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#1
10-10-2010
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I wish you all the best and please don't do anything to harm yourself. 
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#2
10-10-2010
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There is this tug in me, one which I am not a stranger to. A rising compulsion to cause at least a little bodily harm that would take my mind away from everything else. I imagine this is what cutters experience.
It feels like the only form of release available to me. All my friends are either in college or working all the time, so I have no one on whom to depend. And I always internalize my pain for prolonged periods. This is new: my speaking about it in such depth.
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#3
10-10-2010
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The greatest enemy of yours in trying to get through this is isolation. You MUST talk to someone else, if not face to face then at least on the phone (for example, the Good Samaritans who offer telephone assistance for these types of crises). Try this link and find someone with whom to talk:
http://www.masspreventssuicide.org/resources/ch11.html Although it is a Massachusetts-based site, there are many national services offered. And don't fret about Fran. She is a loving, caring woman who means only the best for you. She can be brusque, but she is sincere. Don't worry about Fran; tend to yourself.
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#4
10-10-2010
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Part of the problem with all this is that it makes me feel like an attention whore. Then again, a big part of the reason of where I am is precisely the fact that I am not particularly important to people and therefore live in isolation. Hell, it took me 4 years while in college to find anything like like-minded individuals whom I really got along with. How does one live in a culture that is so different from oneself--a culture that would burn you if it could?
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#5
10-10-2010
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Not to sound too mean; you need to get some help, professional help, soon. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself or others.
__________________
Just because I'm telling you this story doesn't mean that I'm alive at the end of it. If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so. DEO VINDICE
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#6
10-10-2010
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All the talking in the world would serve at most as the proverbial bandaid. Hides the wound, but doesn't heal. I can't help thinking that there are worse fates than death. I've been thinking a lot about prisons lately and it has become all the more poignant for me one of the reasons why we do that to people: to be cut from the social foundation in which you have always found yourself is a terrible fate. Loneliness, isolation is a truly awful tool.
I am 23 years old and my parents still do not allow me to leave the house because the neighborhood is dangerous: drug dealers and thieves and drug drop points, the occasional murder apparently. Is this living in fear or is it the right thing to do to stay inside? I can't stand the inactivity I find myself in now that college is over. I want to leave this room. That would help all this a little. What I need is a break from the decades long routine I find myself in. What I need is the warm flesh of a good woman next to me to keep me warm at night.
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#7
10-10-2010
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#8
10-11-2010
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I'm not allowed to desire someone? What's so wrong about desire? I am not ashamed of what others would call baser instincts. I call them human and beautiful. For that matter, read some Walt Whitman.
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#9
11-21-2010
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MOVE! Just friggin' move. Go live in the capitol city. And go see your doc.  Though moving to a better place and normal social interaction with other people will probably fix you. Next patient!
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