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#1
10-10-2010
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Loneliness
I do not know how to lead up to this, so I will be blunt: I fear I am in th beginning stages of a suicidal spiral.
I have been hurt recently by a transwoman whom I was head over heels for. I also recently graduated from college and find myself back home, stuck at home, with little hope of leaving these four walls. Even were I to leave my situation is complicated by the fact that the things I want are difficult to find in Puerto Rico, such as: a decent transwoman, or lad, or gg; it would also be difficult to structure the relationship I want...I'm polyamorous. This has all left me feeling extremely lonely and hopeless and I find my days meaningless and ever so fleeting. There is nothing to them beyond staying in bed. Even when I write, which I do both as training for the profession I want and as a form of therapy, is not helping. Every morning I wake up and wonder why all this continues. During the day I hope for death. And my nights are empty of any of the sympathy and warmth of a good woman next to me, and therefore spent pondering my loneliness. The only peace I find, if you can even call it that, is during sleep. I can sense a shadow in me. A pain. A growing desire to harm myself, if not to take me life than at least to drive my mind away from focusing on my loneliness and instead focusing on something less painful like bodily harm. I am stuck, stagnant. I have no release. I cannot even cry. 
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#2
10-10-2010
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been there, done that
Been there, done that.
quickest way out,,,,,, go to church and get involved. everything will come into place.
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#3
10-10-2010
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Church? Not so good for me. There is nothing to do here. It is the typical suburb: static, soulless, boring. There is no sense of community. For reference listen to Rush's "Subdivisions."
This is all strange to me, being driven to this point emotionally. Its been there for a long time, just never quite like this. Frankly, I feel silly that feel the way I feel, but I am also terrified of the obvious possibilities in the future.
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#4
10-10-2010
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wrong start again, right from the "get-go".
It might not be what is good for you, maybe it's good for THEM. Time spent serving others is more rewarding than sitting on your ass waiting for the world to come to you.
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#5
10-10-2010
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You need more help than this site can provide. Fran has one possible solution for you. You need to talk to someone that can really listen to you and help to guide you. Regardless of what you think of churches a priest will listen to you and his service is free.
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#6
10-10-2010
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It feels as if there are sentences missing from your posts. I'm not really sure what you're trying to tell me.
Am I under attack here?
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#7
10-10-2010
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I'm just looking for a bit of support.
Should I just delete the thread? Can I even do that?
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#8
10-10-2010
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My main point though is that the members here are not qualified to give you professional help. Many members will gladly contribute to your thread and try to help you. Your best help though will come from someone who has the training and background in psychology and that person is best able to help on a face-to-face basis.
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#9
10-10-2010
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Fran's tone seemed a bit dismissive. Maybe I'm reading them wrong. If I'm wrong: sorry.
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#10
10-10-2010
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I wish you all the best and please don't do anything to harm yourself.
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#11
10-10-2010
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There is this tug in me, one which I am not a stranger to. A rising compulsion to cause at least a little bodily harm that would take my mind away from everything else. I imagine this is what cutters experience.
It feels like the only form of release available to me. All my friends are either in college or working all the time, so I have no one on whom to depend. And I always internalize my pain for prolonged periods. This is new: my speaking about it in such depth.
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#12
10-10-2010
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The greatest enemy of yours in trying to get through this is isolation. You MUST talk to someone else, if not face to face then at least on the phone (for example, the Good Samaritans who offer telephone assistance for these types of crises). Try this link and find someone with whom to talk:
http://www.masspreventssuicide.org/resources/ch11.html Although it is a Massachusetts-based site, there are many national services offered. And don't fret about Fran. She is a loving, caring woman who means only the best for you. She can be brusque, but she is sincere. Don't worry about Fran; tend to yourself.
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#13
10-10-2010
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Part of the problem with all this is that it makes me feel like an attention whore. Then again, a big part of the reason of where I am is precisely the fact that I am not particularly important to people and therefore live in isolation. Hell, it took me 4 years while in college to find anything like like-minded individuals whom I really got along with. How does one live in a culture that is so different from oneself--a culture that would burn you if it could?
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#14
10-10-2010
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Not to sound too mean; you need to get some help, professional help, soon. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself or others.
__________________
Just because I'm telling you this story doesn't mean that I'm alive at the end of it. If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so. DEO VINDICE
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#15
10-10-2010
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All the talking in the world would serve at most as the proverbial bandaid. Hides the wound, but doesn't heal. I can't help thinking that there are worse fates than death. I've been thinking a lot about prisons lately and it has become all the more poignant for me one of the reasons why we do that to people: to be cut from the social foundation in which you have always found yourself is a terrible fate. Loneliness, isolation is a truly awful tool.
I am 23 years old and my parents still do not allow me to leave the house because the neighborhood is dangerous: drug dealers and thieves and drug drop points, the occasional murder apparently. Is this living in fear or is it the right thing to do to stay inside? I can't stand the inactivity I find myself in now that college is over. I want to leave this room. That would help all this a little. What I need is a break from the decades long routine I find myself in. What I need is the warm flesh of a good woman next to me to keep me warm at night.
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#16
10-10-2010
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#17
10-10-2010
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#18
10-10-2010
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#19
10-10-2010
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I would be crazy to refute all that.
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#20
10-10-2010
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Ashes.
Part of me is afraid when I?m around new people. I?m afraid they won?t accept me as a women or that they will tell me why they think I am wrong for feeling that I need to change or even attack me. This happens every time I meet someone new and is especially scary when it?s a group of people. Every job I have had, I quit because the stress became so strong that I lost all concern for life and no longer wanted to function. When that happens it?s like my mind just says no and I can?t move. I?m paralyzed with an overwhelming feeling of sorrow and the only thoughts that come through are how do I get out of this body, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS BODY, how do I make this work. Every time I used to look in a mirror or hear he him his or he?s it made me sad.. Every time I felt my self in such a way that reminded me, I would feel sad. Every time I saw a couple in love or a young girl basking in her beauty it made me sad. There must be a million reminders that are constantly running through my head. It made me terribly sad when I thought about my age and that the older I get the less effective my transition will be. In society there are times where I have had to hide the fact that I was sad as to get along with others and that just made me feel lonely in my thoughts. I felt that most of the time I had no friends, no family, no one that cared enough to really try and understand both sides of this, or to go out of there way to help, or call to see how I am doing and listen. No one wanted to listen when there was a problem. They just tell me to stay positive and to keep trying, try harder, you can?t give up, you can do it! It never helps when I?m feeling hopeless. I?d like to share a story of something that did help though. It wasn?t a cure by any means but it certainty helped and it saved my life. in the summer of 09 I crashed. I lost all hope and I was alone. I drove up to a place called look out mountain with the intentions of jumping or driving off a cliff. I went to a place where I had set and meditated in the past because I knew there was a huge cliff there. I got out and I walked around to the spot where I had been before. A spot that was actually just around and under the top of the cliff. I stood there ready to end it. I thought to myself what would I be missing? And at the time nothing came to mind. Than I herd voices. Someone was throwing an earn full of ashes off the top of the cliff. I could see the ashes falling beside me and the hands throwing the ashes over the edge. I herd there voices as they rejoiced in the passing of those ashes. I was entranced in what I had just witnessed and their love that had transpired. All I could do was curl up into a little ball and cry. I sat there still until they had left. I thought once more about jumping and decided I was to confused over the whole experience to go through with it. I now know that it wasn?t confusion that had saved me that day it was the love that those people showed. I realized that love is just the same whether it be for you or for me. It?s certainly a thing worth sticking around for. That experience really helped me to look at life in a more full perspective. It?s amazing how although I still feel pain, I now see that it?s that pain that make?s love possible and that there is no wrong in the world, never has been and there never will. we just live and die and repeat we do what we feel and over an eternity we get it.
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#21
10-10-2010
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You need something to do, something to fill your time. Do you work? Are you in the field that you went to school for. Free time is part of your problem. Get up, get out of the house and do something, it'll help. Other;s have said you may need some help, i agree. The first step is gettin out and doin it. Not tomorrow, not nest week, but today. Please, for your own good.
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#22
10-11-2010
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I'm not allowed to desire someone? What's so wrong about desire? I am not ashamed of what others would call baser instincts. I call them human and beautiful. For that matter, read some Walt Whitman.
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#23
10-11-2010
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#24
10-11-2010
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just my 2 cents, Enoch...
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**You didn't mention what music does for you; if it's just there to fill the silence or if it doesn't "play" with your emotions at all, then maybe disregard this post**
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#25
10-11-2010
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the mind
I would suggest that you don't need advice, what you need is understanding how your mind is deceiving you. The book titled "Now" by Eckhard Tolle is an excellent place to start. It is a compilation of much of the wisdom humans have compiled over the ages. It has worked for many people. Tolle is also on youtube but the book provides the insite that you need. Let the good person within you come forward and take control of your mind.
__________________
"Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." R.N.
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#26
10-11-2010
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#27
10-11-2010
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And I just saw he's New Age, so yeah...  How does that Menken quote go: "For every complex problem there is a simple, easy and wrong solution?" Last edited by Enoch Root; 10-11-2010 at 07:28 PM.
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#28
10-11-2010
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__________________
"Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." R.N.
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#29
10-11-2010
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__________________
"Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." R.N.
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#30
10-11-2010
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#31
10-12-2010
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hmmm. Interesting book to read. But i heard this book to my friend and she said it really nice to read it.
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#32
10-12-2010
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I think it's very easy to be cynical about any kind of 'New Age' stuff - especially stuff that's endorsed by Oprah. The trouble is that cynicism is most people's default position nowadays when confronted with just about anything, which doesn't really help at all.
Somebody gave me a copy of A New Earth a while back and, although I was hardly bowled over by it, there were some interesting bits and pieces in there. I was certainly a bit less cynical about it after I'd actually read it. Personally, I'd rather people were reading 'Self-Help' books than relying on prescription drugs to solve their problems - although both are 'quick-fixes', I'd think that drugs would do more harm in the long-term.
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#33
10-12-2010
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Add to the Digital Age a near complete lack of a sense of community everywhere in the Western world (or maybe those places touched by the hand of the US) and you have yourself the recipe for something awful. Two examples to illustrate both those things: 1)I have lived in the same godforsaken suburb my entire life, but have yet to experience anything like the community coming together for celebrations or bringing many to the fold; as is often the case, no one knows their neighbor and no one cares, it may as well be New York; 2)My mother has recently discovered Facebook and now scours the site incessantly, but to what purpose? She is so lacking in self-assessment, or she doesn’t care, that she can’t see how meaningless her actions are, how they add nothing to her days and her life.
Yes, it is a terrible loneliness that resides in me. I am not obsessed with transsexual woman. I met one whom I thought was lovely and I fell hopelessly in love, hopeless Romantic that I am. It all went awry and now I am left with nothing but mornings and nights cursing myself for what I didn’t do. This is a situation exacerbated by the fact that I really do want a transsexual girlfriend, yet could not begin to tell you where to find one where I live. I may as well give up on that front. I have no need, and no love, for the teachings of spirits or modern gurus. I do not want the silly and ultimately empty promises of crystals, balms, benedictions, transubstantiation, and the feel good teachings that are everywhere, from the pulpits of megachurches like those of Osteen, to those of unorganized believers of mashups like Tolle. What I need is something much more earthly and much more beautiful, and absolutely vital to the continuing health of an individual. I now question the wisdom of ever having created a thread here. When I created it I did so because of the circumstances behind my depression, that is to say, it involved a transsexual woman; which is a topic I have not even discussed with my best friend. On all my island there is only one soul who knows of my attraction to this girl, and I am not even sure he has taken the logical leap to assuming I am attracted to transsexual women. I posted here because it seemed pretty clear to me I wouldn’t be judged for my sexual proclivities. But now it feels like griping is beginning to hold sway in the thread. Last edited by Enoch Root; 10-12-2010 at 08:08 AM.
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#34
10-12-2010
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"Unorganized believers of mashups" ... absolutely brilliant, in four simple words.
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#35
10-12-2010
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Wtf
SMC "By pushing this agenda, Randolph, you not only hijack the thread from Enoch Root, but you do so in a very insidious way."
Your accusations are insulting outrageous and untrue. Agenda? Hijack? Insidious? Nobody else on this forum has accused me of these things. I am simply sharing some information that is interesting to me. I hope this is a forum for the free exchange of ideas, if not then I am out of here.
__________________
"Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." R.N.
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#36
10-12-2010
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?Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.? Henry David Thoreau
Many older men have been quoted as saying that they regret not so much the things they did as they do the things they didn't do. So, you can stay there in your "nest" and grow old and bitter over life, or -------- you can go out to sing, and see what life has to offer.
__________________
Ask Jenae anything, just click on this link: http://forum.transladyboy.com/showthread.php?t=6056
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#37
10-12-2010
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And the lit geek in me sings at the Thoreau quote, so thank you. Or as Pink Floyd put it: "Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way." Last edited by Enoch Root; 10-12-2010 at 08:59 AM.
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#38
10-12-2010
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Yasmin
Get out of your room and look up Yasmin Lee, if anybody can make you happy, its her. She is the nicest most beautiful, sexy tgirl in the world.
__________________
"Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." R.N.
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#39
10-12-2010
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And how many oceans, how many worlds away is she?
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#40
10-12-2010
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__________________
"Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." R.N.
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#41
10-12-2010
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This is a forum for the free exchange of ideas. My freedom is no less than yours.
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#42
10-12-2010
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Quote:
__________________
"Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." R.N.
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#43
10-12-2010
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I think Enoch Root has expressed the problem quite well, quite articulately. How that can be inferred as obsession is beyond me, but it does support my point about your post.
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#44
10-12-2010
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Quote:
__________________
"Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible; but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." R.N.
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#45
10-12-2010
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Enoch Root, you list your location as Puerto Rico. I would think then that you probably speak Spanish. In addition you speak, read, and write English. You have said that you recently finished journalism in college. May I suggest that you emigrate to the US, Argentina, Brazil (yes, I know the language of Brazil is Portuguese), or even perhaps to Spain or Italy. From what I've heard and read there are many transwomen in these countries and therefore your chances of meeting one will increase whereas if you stay where you are your chances are almost zero. I think that the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained" applies to your situation.
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#46
10-13-2010
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Ah, yes, Spain: where one third of my progenitors come from. Land of the folk who arrived to the shores of Boriquen (one of several names for the island before the arrival of the Spanish) and then proceeded to enslave the native population of Tainos. And rape. Don?t forget about rape. Add a little imported African blood, courtesy of the extinction of the Tainos?but not before Spanish and Taino blood mingled?and you have me. But that was hundreds of years ago. Still, I hear the food is amazing, the architecture superb and the inevitable pretty Spanish ladies speaking with accents that make your pants drop. I had no idea Spain was known for the transsexual ladies. I?ll keep that in mind. Lately, as I think of my circumstances I have been thinking about moving to Spain. At the very least they speak my language and cook some of my food. It is somewhere far away from all the dreary I have lived for many years. A new beginning as it were. I went to college in the United States by the way. There it was that, during the last three months of my stay in college, I met her. I had been attracted to transwomen before that, but almost completely forgotten about it except for the occasional viewing of pornography. I?m always drowning in straight people, so I tend to forget those things that set me apart. And now I cannot forget how different I am and how difficult it would be for me to live the way I want to in my home. Now everything is different about me but the world around me refuses to change as quickly as it should. I am in contact with another forum member who is a fellow Puertorican. I keep planning on asking more in depth about possible places to meet transsexual women, but I always forget. She has told me she has seen trans sex workers in the town of Santurce, but my interest in sex workers floats somewhere above zero. I want a meaningful relationship.
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#47
11-21-2010
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Puerto Rico...
yahoo answers Are there any transsexual hangouts in Puerto Rico? Best Answer - Chosen by Voters No... There are Gayclubs... explore gay-puerto-rico san-juan/entertainment-and-events/nightlife/gay-and-lesbian Hum.... Ok that gets you out of your room.
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#48
11-21-2010
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How do you actually get to meet a transsexual woman?
Most Transsexual women meet partners who know our history. Maybe they knew us before we transitioned. Maybe they ?read? us Maybe through work, where gossip outed us. Though we mostly meet though trans friendly spaces: be it a tg forum /chat room, trans club/bar, or from a group of friends and friends of friends...where the suitor had the heads-up on our past, or they used to date a friend of ours who is also a Transsexual woman... And so on. My man said the easiest way to date a Transsexual woman, is to interact with us on trans boards. Post on areas of common interest. Avoid sex topics. See if you click. Assess which Transsexual women are slightly deranged and which are very deranged (Accept that to a degree we are all bonkers) And private message anyone you find interesting. Later, suggest phone / social contact. If later, things move on to friendship and then romance,cool. My man wooed me for six months after our first meeting before I relented. Oh, be prepared to put lots of time and ? or $: Think flights, hotels, food, car rental Because of our rarity, you will probably have to put a lot of effort into travel and resulting costs. My man lives 1400 miles from me, Yep, he had to go that far just to meet for an afternoon, to see if we would be friends. He combined the trip with some work stuff.
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#49
11-21-2010
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Which is all very interesting
but of no use to you at all. Firstly, a person chasing us coz we are trans is not very positive for us. We generally like to forget about all that stuff. Also, most partners leave us after we have SRS. That makes us ultra cautious both for casual social stuff through to potential full blown dating. ok, stay with me... Assuming that you meet one of more trans women, and get on for more than the fact they have a penis {fuck, don't mention that!} and maybe wanna hang out. WHAT CAN YOU BRING TO THE PARTY? Most trans women would run a mile from you based on your current state of mind. Many of us have had deep psychological problems and a very high % of attempted suicides. {The successful suicides don't date any more} Your self description would have us all totally avoiding you as to interact may well take us back to bad places. We don't want to hang out with someone who may be suicidal; it might trigger us as well! Stop obsessing about trans. If trans is the only fact applicable to you dating, then you are obsessing. And that is scary. Sort yourself out first Talk to your doctor, talk this through. Ask to be referred to a psychiatrist. Fix whatever needs fixing. Dating anyone at all will not fix you. Your doc can help. There you go, not bad for constructive stuff on a trans sex forum. Ok now, back on track... Do you want to see a photo of my big erect penis? 
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#50
11-21-2010
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MOVE! Just friggin' move. Go live in the capitol city. And go see your doc.  Though moving to a better place and normal social interaction with other people will probably fix you. Next patient!
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Linear Mode
