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#1
10-10-2010
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All the talking in the world would serve at most as the proverbial bandaid. Hides the wound, but doesn't heal. I can't help thinking that there are worse fates than death. I've been thinking a lot about prisons lately and it has become all the more poignant for me one of the reasons why we do that to people: to be cut from the social foundation in which you have always found yourself is a terrible fate. Loneliness, isolation is a truly awful tool.
I am 23 years old and my parents still do not allow me to leave the house because the neighborhood is dangerous: drug dealers and thieves and drug drop points, the occasional murder apparently. Is this living in fear or is it the right thing to do to stay inside? I can't stand the inactivity I find myself in now that college is over. I want to leave this room. That would help all this a little. What I need is a break from the decades long routine I find myself in. What I need is the warm flesh of a good woman next to me to keep me warm at night. 
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#2
10-10-2010
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#3
10-10-2010
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#4
10-10-2010
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#5
10-10-2010
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I would be crazy to refute all that.
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#6
10-10-2010
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Ashes.
Part of me is afraid when I?m around new people. I?m afraid they won?t accept me as a women or that they will tell me why they think I am wrong for feeling that I need to change or even attack me. This happens every time I meet someone new and is especially scary when it?s a group of people. Every job I have had, I quit because the stress became so strong that I lost all concern for life and no longer wanted to function. When that happens it?s like my mind just says no and I can?t move. I?m paralyzed with an overwhelming feeling of sorrow and the only thoughts that come through are how do I get out of this body, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS BODY, how do I make this work. Every time I used to look in a mirror or hear he him his or he?s it made me sad.. Every time I felt my self in such a way that reminded me, I would feel sad. Every time I saw a couple in love or a young girl basking in her beauty it made me sad. There must be a million reminders that are constantly running through my head. It made me terribly sad when I thought about my age and that the older I get the less effective my transition will be. In society there are times where I have had to hide the fact that I was sad as to get along with others and that just made me feel lonely in my thoughts. I felt that most of the time I had no friends, no family, no one that cared enough to really try and understand both sides of this, or to go out of there way to help, or call to see how I am doing and listen. No one wanted to listen when there was a problem. They just tell me to stay positive and to keep trying, try harder, you can?t give up, you can do it! It never helps when I?m feeling hopeless. I?d like to share a story of something that did help though. It wasn?t a cure by any means but it certainty helped and it saved my life. in the summer of 09 I crashed. I lost all hope and I was alone. I drove up to a place called look out mountain with the intentions of jumping or driving off a cliff. I went to a place where I had set and meditated in the past because I knew there was a huge cliff there. I got out and I walked around to the spot where I had been before. A spot that was actually just around and under the top of the cliff. I stood there ready to end it. I thought to myself what would I be missing? And at the time nothing came to mind. Than I herd voices. Someone was throwing an earn full of ashes off the top of the cliff. I could see the ashes falling beside me and the hands throwing the ashes over the edge. I herd there voices as they rejoiced in the passing of those ashes. I was entranced in what I had just witnessed and their love that had transpired. All I could do was curl up into a little ball and cry. I sat there still until they had left. I thought once more about jumping and decided I was to confused over the whole experience to go through with it. I now know that it wasn?t confusion that had saved me that day it was the love that those people showed. I realized that love is just the same whether it be for you or for me. It?s certainly a thing worth sticking around for. That experience really helped me to look at life in a more full perspective. It?s amazing how although I still feel pain, I now see that it?s that pain that make?s love possible and that there is no wrong in the world, never has been and there never will. we just live and die and repeat we do what we feel and over an eternity we get it.
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#7
10-10-2010
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You need something to do, something to fill your time. Do you work? Are you in the field that you went to school for. Free time is part of your problem. Get up, get out of the house and do something, it'll help. Other;s have said you may need some help, i agree. The first step is gettin out and doin it. Not tomorrow, not nest week, but today. Please, for your own good.
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#8
10-11-2010
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I'm not allowed to desire someone? What's so wrong about desire? I am not ashamed of what others would call baser instincts. I call them human and beautiful. For that matter, read some Walt Whitman.
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#9
10-11-2010
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#10
11-21-2010
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MOVE! Just friggin' move. Go live in the capitol city. And go see your doc.  Though moving to a better place and normal social interaction with other people will probably fix you. Next patient!
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Chill
!!!
Hybrid Mode
