funny joke!

[smc]

My grandmother, who was probably not like the grandmothers of 99 percent of Forum members, told me this joke when I was 13 or 14 years old:

Working late one night, a mortician whose job it was to examine the dead bodies before they are sent off to be buried or cremated was examining Morty Adelman's body. Morty was scheduled to be cremated the next day. To his amazement, the mortician discovered that Morty had the biggest cock he'd ever seen. (My grandmother said pupik, the Yiddish word.)

The mortician thought to himself, "I can't send a specimen like this to be cremated. A cock like that must be saved for posterity." And so he used his tools to remove it carefully, stuffed it into his bag, and brought it home.

Later that night, he said to his wife, "Sweetheart, I have something to show you that you just won't believe." And he opened the bag.

"Oh my god!" screamed his wife. "Morty Adelman is dead!"

[smc]

This one's for Fran:

One day, President Obama, bored with Michelle, was looking for a call girl. Disguising himself, he headed to a local lounge, where he found three: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, "$200."

He asked the brunette the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead. She replied, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way the public is being screwed, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

[randolph]

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences.
I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."