To Hell with all of It

ocinteeni · #1 02-02-2009

I have never heard of the Trans Day of Remembrance. But Bionca, I say that the guys here on the forum are on your side with this, I definitely can't speak for all the users here, but for the many who have meaningful dialogue about real trans issues, this is definitely important to us. I guess what I'm asking is to encourage us instead of lecturing us (I always finish reading your posts feeling like I have a hand in the all the bad things that are directed towards trans people). Because for many users on this forum we truly are trying to improve the world for trans people by speaking and acting tolerance.

And I also would like to ask you for you opinion, if I never had attended any sort of day of remembrance or some sort of peaceful protest about human injustice would you say I am the active cause of the the hate or injustice directed towards some specific group of people? For example if an organized protest took place to bring awareness for spousal abuse and I didn't attend but I also do not abuse my spouse, would you consider me to be a part of why spousal abuse still occurs?

And Bionca I truly am sorry for the terrible situation your friend is in, if the authority won't help her at least she has you as a really strong friend to count on.

Bionca · #2 02-06-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by ocinteeni

I have never heard of the Trans Day of Remembrance. But Bionca, I say that the guys here on the forum are on your side with this, I definitely can't speak for all the users here, but for the many who have meaningful dialogue about real trans issues, this is definitely important to us. I guess what I'm asking is to encourage us instead of lecturing us (I always finish reading your posts feeling like I have a hand in the all the bad things that are directed towards trans people). Because for many users on this forum we truly are trying to improve the world for trans people by speaking and acting tolerance.

And I also would like to ask you for you opinion, if I never had attended any sort of day of remembrance or some sort of peaceful protest about human injustice would you say I am the active cause of the the hate or injustice directed towards some specific group of people? For example if an organized protest took place to bring awareness for spousal abuse and I didn't attend but I also do not abuse my spouse, would you consider me to be a part of why spousal abuse still occurs?

And Bionca I truly am sorry for the terrible situation your friend is in, if the authority won't help her at least she has you as a really strong friend to count on.

Good points. First, I surely don't intend to imply that any single person here has a direct hand in any bad (or good) thing that has happened. Those events belong to the people who participated in them.

As to your example, given the information provided, no I wouldn't say you would be a part to why spousal abuse happens. But, what if your friend was talking about how they abused their spouce the other night? Or you saw someone abusing their spouce? Doing nothing in that situation is (probably for you) the safe thing to do, and many people would feel odd confronting a friend or stepping into a situation. But, it wouldn't be a helpful thing to do.

It is clear that there is a stigma attached to being with Trans*women - like there is a stigma to being a trans*woman. I know of plenty of t-gals who are active in various ways to change society's perceptions of us. The interesting thing is off the top of my head I can't think of one of them who is dating anyone. I can't think of one "admirer" who runs anything other than an erotic website (if their sites have anything at all to do with Trans* stuff). I know plenty of gals who won't "come out" simply to protect their fellas. Fellas who have no problem "ewwwing" at the big reveal in the Crying Game or making jokes about trannys with their buddies.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of decent guys. Guys who are happy to be with their t-girlfriends. But I run into way more guys who want a "dirty little secret". Nothing will change for you or us unless we make it one side of this equation isn't going to get much good done.

Bionca · #3 02-17-2009

Monica Roberts (who I think rocks) on her blog (transgriot) addresses this issue for Valentine's Day. One thing that she mentions that has me thinking is how Trans*women contribute to the generally crap dating environment. Lots of us (myself included) have taken some serious blows to our self-esteem, lost friends and family in the process of transition that we are willing to accept as partners guys who are pretty pathetic.

I dated a guy for 6-7 years. He saw me through my transition and was all I could have dreamed of. We had an open relationship with a couple rules because he traveled for work and he figured I should experiment sexually. Anyway, when he got his coworker pregnant and decided he wanted to be a dad we ended it. For the past 6 months I have gotten emails from him wanting me back to be essentially his mistress. His last email bluntly stated "Well you know this what you girls dream about. You get to pretend to have a man and don't need to fool anyone into thinking you are a GG." He followed up with essentially a statement that not only should I want this, I should be grateful since it's the best offer I'll have.

Why bring this up? Well I showed this to some friends I know online and they agreed with him. They would jump at the chance. They know him and think he's a catch and I'm being too demanding and unrealistic. So, in no small part we gals set this up for ourselves.

TheSkronkDonkey · #4 02-17-2009

That guy is a complete TOOL.

Lots of people set themselves up to be abused, one way or another. Don't think you're alone there -- though everything you've said still applies. The uniqueness of your situation merely adds a billion and one EXTRA ways people like you can be screwed over.

Sad. Very sad.

smc · #5 02-17-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bionca

He followed up with essentially a statement that not only should I want this, I should be grateful since it's the best offer I'll have.

For what it's worth, it is difficult to imagine that anyone who would suggest such a thing to someone about whom they purport to care is worth caring about back. This is a man who is counting on diminishing your self-esteem.

franalexes · #6 02-18-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bionca

. Well I showed this to some friends I know online and they agreed with him. They would jump at the chance. They know him and think he's a catch and I'm being too demanding and unrealistic. So, in no small part we gals set this up for ourselves.

"These people" aren't your friends.

Even I know of people that think more of you than this.
You know it too. And you know that I know.

You've got the world by the ass and you want to settle for an asshole?
Good luck with that plan.

CreativeMind · #7 02-19-2009

Well, for what it's worth, here's my two cents -- and, Bionca, I'm sorry if I overstep any lines since we are discussing your ex (so you obviously must have your own emotions regarding him). But sad to say, this guy really IS a Tool, as SkronkDonkey dubbed him above. In fact, I can think of a lot of worse names I'd like to call him right now. If he really cared for you there's just no way that he should be throwing such a proposition in your face -- in fact, I hate to sound like the old-fashioned guy here, but it speaks volumes to me that he's a married man looking to secure a mistress on the side. And frankly this is all the more lame since he's trying to nudge you along by tugging on certain emotional strings that he's privy to (being your ex).

But what really pisses me off is what he wrote. You said: His last email bluntly stated "Well you know this what you girls dream about. You get to pretend to have a man and don't need to fool anyone into thinking you are a GG."

Where do I start? How about his choice of words and using "You girls" which right off the bat pegs you as an oddity and less than a thinking, feeling woman which you are? Or the arrogance of his sentence "This is what you girls dream about." Gee, maybe I'm wrong, but I thought you dreamed the same thing everyone else dreams -- namely meeting someone who will love you for who you are, who will want to be in a warm and caring relationship. You know, where you can go out and BE a couple...as opposed to being a hidden mistress on the side, all so HE can live the double life HE wants to have, so that HE can have all the sexual freedom and exploration that HE is itching for.

And in the most jaw-dropping moment of all, this guy then has the balls to tell you this is the best offer you'll ever get. It's literally him or nothing, so you should be thankful he's even extending the offer to be a side mistress. On top of which, how exactly is being his side mistress the "best offer you'll ever get" considering you've mentioned to us in other posts that you are already dating another guy right now? Or that at your office, you've had other guys checking you out or showing interest in you? Seems to me you're out and about...you have a job you like...you have your own life now...you're dating someone who is into you...and yet your Ex feels that being his hidden side mistress is an offer you couldn't possibly turn down.

Well, the next time you hear from him, please tell the King from all of your friends here that we're so grateful he's willing to step down from this mighty throne to grant you some of his attention, when he gets an itch in his pants. Seriously, what a douche bag!

Then again, I guess what shocks me as much is that some of your friends would not only accept this... they somehow refuse to see how badly your Ex is actually treating you, in such a debasing way... but that they'd actually consider him a "catch" and YOU are the one being too demanding! Seriously, WTF? So I'm sorry to rag on your friends as well, but based on what you wrote it seems they need to seriously work on their own self-esteem issues too.

In short, you're too good to be treated this way, Bionca.

So I hope you told your Ex to go play in traffic.

franalexes · #8 02-19-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by CreativeMind

, I hate to sound like the old-fashioned guy

Oh really? You ever get back into my neighborhood, look me up.:D

randolph · #9 02-19-2009

Dear Bionca,
There seems to be a long line of guys that would like to love you. You are intelligent and beautiful yet there is this continuing line of sad events in your life. What gives?

smc · #10 02-19-2009

Bionca, no one ever achieves happiness by putting their dreams on hold or settling for what someone else tells them is the best they can achieve. You come across as a thoughtful, caring, and strong woman who is facing adversity. Please don't let yourself down by settling for anything less than you deserve.

Bionca · #11 02-19-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by randolph

Dear Bionca,
There seems to be a long line of guys that would like to love you. You are intelligent and beautiful yet there is this continuing line of sad events in your life. What gives?

Well... there is a line of guys who THINK they MIGHT want to love a gal like me. Once the novelty wears off and the idea that dating a Trans*woman is a little complicated and tends to mess with one's sexual identity, not to mention the social issues with family and friends when/if they find out.

Then there are guys who aren't exactly honest and make promises they don't intend to keep, or are married or in a relationship and forget to mention that. While not exclusive to Trans*gals, it appears to happen more often to my Trans friends than my bio-girl friends.

randolph · #12 02-19-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bionca

Well... there is a line of guys who THINK they MIGHT want to love a gal like me. Once the novelty wears off and the idea that dating a Trans*woman is a little complicated and tends to mess with one's sexual identity, not to mention the social issues with family and friends when/if they find out.

Then there are guys who aren't exactly honest and make promises they don't intend to keep, or are married or in a relationship and forget to mention that. While not exclusive to Trans*gals, it appears to happen more often to my Trans friends than my bio-girl friends.

Dear girl, you seem to be caught between a rock and a hard place, I guess that's the fate of transsexuals. Jen took the extreme way out and I sincerely hope it works for her. Otherwise is there some solution to being trapped in the wrong body? Biology has dwelt a cruel blow to you and society makes it worse. Gays and lesbians seem to have a better chance of having a life. We all support and love you on this forum but I know you need more than that. Please love yourself, eat lots of blueberries and wear sexy clothes.