funny joke!

[orion]

A White Horse walks into a Pub and orders a pint of "Best" ..

The Barman looks at him a bit oddly, then serves him .. after a few moments thought .. the Barman says ... "Here, we sell a Whisky named after you" ...

The Horse looks at him and says .. "Wot .. Eric" ?

[The Conquistador]

Confucius say: Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok!

[plymouth]

3 gay guys walk into a bathroom. one of them goes into a stall and notices cum floating on the water and says "ok, who farted". lol!

[slippyslimm]

haha, thanks for sharing

[orion]

A Royal Navy sailor was being quizzed at a Court Martial as he'd been an accidental witness to three other sailors sharing the same bunk ...

The President of the Court Martial asked him .. "Now Signalman Jones .. did you notice any semen on the bunk or bedding" ?

The sailor promptly replied .. "Oh, no Sir .. just three Stokers" ...

[ladyboyadmirer]

Originally Posted by orion

A Royal Navy sailor was being quizzed at a Court Martial as he'd been an accidental witness to three other sailors sharing the same bunk ...

The President of the Court Martial asked him .. "Now Signalman Jones .. did you notice any semen on the bunk or bedding" ?

The sailor promptly replied .. "Oh, no Sir .. just three Stokers" ...

Lol Orion......I heard about the Rear Admiral that got a little behind with his work and that the Rear Admiral is the most sought after job in the Greek navy. Rgds

[ladyboyadmirer]

Why it's Important to Understand English


I had some Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window here at the local bank. It was a short line with just one guy in front of me . . an Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars and he was a little irritated .

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat aighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too."

[ladyboyadmirer]

PIANIST

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man
reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,about one foot high and
sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a
small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag
once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of
the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he
pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub
it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of
smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one
wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is
filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch pianist?"

[simmo]

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world
and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more
women as our physicians and therapists, etc
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to
a just out of medical school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

The first thing she told me that I must stop masturbating.


I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."

[SilverSabre]

What is wet, round, long, hard, rubber coated and full of semen ?
























- a submarine

[ladyboyadmirer]

[QUOTE=simmo;78732]As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world
and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more
women as our physicians and therapists, etc
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

Nice one Simmo

[ladyboyadmirer]

What do you call nuts on a wall......walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chest...chestnuts. What do you call nuts on a chin..no not chin nuts...a damn good blow job

[Amoit]

need a whole lot more to make me laugh

[violet lightning]

hey at least we're trying! This isn't exactly a joke forum....
Feel free to contribute something you think is really funny.

[simmo]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

[simmo]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

[ladyboyadmirer]

Originally Posted by Amoit

need a whole lot more to make me laugh

Ok Amoit, try this one.........

A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for months all of my hens seemed infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[simmo]

IRISH SAUSAGES


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky..

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[johndowe]

Hi there.

Guy at surplus store sees this guy looking and looking but didn't seem to find waht he was looking for, as he is about to go to him to try to help him, he comes to him.

Looking nervously around as if to see if he was being followed, he asked the salesman: where are the explosives?

The salesman anseweres: Oh, em, isle C4.

The nervous guy goes there and looks and looks.

Another salesman comes up to his co worker and sais: I think that he's a terrorist, shouldn't we call the FBI or something?

The 1st salesman ansewers: no need he's a suicide bomber.

the second salesman sais: So if you're sure he's a suicide bomber why NOT call the FBI?

The first salesman ansewers: Because of 2 things first he IS a suicide bomber and we don't have explosives.

The second salesman sais: So, i still think we should call the FBI.

The first salesman anseweres: since he IS a suicide bomber and these guys are so stupid that he'll keep looking for the explosives untill he dies.

JohnDowe.

[simmo]

> > 1. Two blondes walk into a building.........you'd think at least
> one of them would have seen it.
> >
> > 2. Phone answering machine message........"If you want to buy
> marijuana, press the hash key......"
> >
> > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
> shorts. The shrink says, "well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
> >
> > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> couldn't find any.
> >
> > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
> he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks
> are too high".
> >
> > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled
> him in.
> >
> > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
> know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
> >
> > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> >
> > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
> the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it.
> >
> > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
> covered with hundreds and thousands, Police say that he topped himself.
> >
> > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
> head. Doc say "I'll give you some cream to put on it".
> >
> > 12. "Doc I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home".
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".
> > "Is it common?"
> > "It's not unusual".

[johndowe]

Hi there.

A plastic surgeon is at a convention, and is talking to a Russian plastic surgeon, talking about breast implants, the Russian doctor tells him that they insert the breast implants through the a** as to not leave scars, the doctor is not convinced and talks to another Russian plastic surgeon, and asks about breast implant and gets the same ansewer, he asks why the a**, the Russian doctor ansewers, in Russia we do everything through the a**.

JohnDowe.

[randolph]

Mike was sitting at the bar. He ordered a drink and saw this beautiful woman sitting a few seats down. He smiles at her and she smiles back. When she was getting up from her seat to go talk to Mike another man walks up to her. Mike was caught off guard because the man wasn't a very good looking man at all. Suddenly the woman and the ugly man walked out of the bar together giggling.

The bartender brings Mike his drink. Frazzled he asked the bartender "Are those two regulars?"
The bartender looks at him and said "Well the girl is, but I have never seen the man before."
"Do you suppose their dating?"
"I don't think so, they came in at seperate times and didn't notice each other until now."
"Did you hear anything they said?" Mike asked
To which the bartender replies, "I didn't hear anything, but I did see him touch his ear with his tongue."

[DSL]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved.

The parents were at their wits end not knowing what to do about their sons' behavior. Then the mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys. He asked to see them individually.

The 8-year-old went to meet him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD? With that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming his door and hiding himself in his closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet saying, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in B I G trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[ladyboyadmirer]

I guess this is only funny for those familiar with the international alphabet code.


A rookie police officer spots a huge, drunken black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"There's a black bloke, seems pissed out of his brains, dancing on the roof of a car."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator.

"You know you have to use politically correct terminology these days"

"OK," he says. "Zulu?.Whisky?Tango....Sierra"

[DCurious]

A penguin walks into a bar, hops up and asks the Bartender: "Has my dad been in tonight?"
The Bartender scratches his chin and says,"Not sure, what does he look like?"

[Jenae LaTorque]

Oh, I am so sorry. You should have kept one eye closed while you were wacking off. The pics in the magazine weren't in stereo anyway.

[IanC]

Originally Posted by orion

A White Horse walks into a Pub and orders a pint of "Best" ..

The Barman looks at him a bit oddly, then serves him .. after a few moments thought .. the Barman says ... "Here, we sell a Whisky named after you" ...

The Horse looks at him and says .. "Wot .. Eric" ?

Love this joke and hadn't heard/read it in ages.

[ladyboyadmirer]

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok
recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"

[siamgirl]

A mechanic working at a prestigious motor-cycle agency was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I?m finished, it works just like new. So how come I make ?35,000 a year and you make ?1,000,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The renowned cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running!"