advice on coming out

[Bionca]

I'm pretty openly trans.. I say "pretty" because I don't exactly announce it at the market or anything. OTOH, I don't deny it either and I'm fairly politically active. I'm living with my eldest brother, and he's quite used to correctly gendering me and using my name... but he slips and I can't fault him for that. I AM still his "baby brother" in the context of our past. I've taken by guy around to family functions (weddings and the like) and I get called my birth name - rarely "he" or "him", but by the name they knew me as. They love and support me mostly, but it's a thing.

One of my biggest problems is that guys who like trans women are pretty cowardly when faced with similar situations that I/we had to face. I didn't exactly have the option NOT to tell... well, I could have faked a death or cut all contact. But, realistically, no option to keep it a dirty little secret from the family. While I don't want my guy to tell my business to everyone he knows, I also want him to be prepared and supportive if I feel that I need to tell.

For my ex, that was a HUGE problem, and to maintain that relationship, I went fully stealth (I was young and he was pretty great until the end). It chapped me because there WAS pressure on me to be 110% feminine - any deviation in public or with his friends/family from socially perceived notions of womanhood got me a stern talking to and guilt trip. God forbid, I have a cold and cough in public... or sneeze... or mention that I used to wrestle in school and play in mud with trucks.

In short, I felt I had to lie by omission and live up to standards that non-trans women aren't held to. Just to protect my guy's ego, perceived heterosexuality (he was closeted bi), and family/friend relationships. All this happening while I was dealing with the fact that my own parents wanted nothing to do with me.

My advice is: Tell her you will take her lead on this. Tell her there is no shame in loving her. Tell her that you want her to feel safe, and won't disclose her status for her. Tell her you want her to feel comfortable, so you won't insist she keep her status a secret.

As far as the sex and relationship part... yeah... welcome to the reality that is NOT tranny porn.

I want to add that you even bringing this up and considering what is happening to her body and how it changes her social relationships in really complicated ways is a fantastic thing. Most guys have a vague idea that dating a trans woman is different than dating a cis woman... but the don't think beyond the bedroom how different, and frighteningly similar it really is.