funny joke!

[randolph]

RETIRE WHERE? Here are some of your choices:

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park,
but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to
know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida ( The Best ) where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[ladyboyadmirer]

Little Tommy


Tommy got kicked out of class today. His teacher asked him,

"Tommy, if I gave you ?20.00 and you gave ?5.00 to Amy,
?5.00 to Katie and ?5.00 to Mary, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left over for a burger and coke,"
was the wrong answer.

[randolph]

A man calls his wife from the office and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada for a fishing trip with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a long weekend and this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I?ll swing by the house to pick my things up."

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..?

Being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks. Following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him and asks if he caught many fish.

?Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. ...By the way, you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.?

The wife replies, "No I didn?t, they're in your tackle box".




Never, never, NEVER try to outsmart a woman!!!

[Enoch Root]

Originally Posted by randolph

A man calls his wife from the office and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada for a fishing trip with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a long weekend and this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I’ll swing by the house to pick my things up."

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..”

Being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks. Following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him and asks if he caught many fish.

“Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. ...By the way, you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

The wife replies, "No I didn’t, they're in your tackle box".




Never, never, NEVER try to outsmart a woman!!!

It's funny because he's queer.

[smc]

Originally Posted by Enoch Root

It's funny because he's queer.

Either you don't get the joke, or your comment is the most inexplicable -- and thus intriguing -- thing I've read this evening.

[ila]

50? Fahrenheit (10? C)
? Californians shiver uncontrollably.
? Canadians plant gardens.

35? Fahrenheit (1.6? C)
? Italian Cars won't start
? Canadians drive with the windows down

32? Fahrenheit (0? C)
? American water freezes
? Canadian water gets thicker.

0? Fahrenheit (-17.9? C)
? New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
? Canadians have the last barbecue of the season.

-60? Fahrenheit (-51? C)
? Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
? Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9? Fahrenheit (-78.5? C)
? Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
? Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173? Fahrenheit (-114? C)
? Ethyl alcohol freezes.
? Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67? Fahrenheit (-273.15? C)
? Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
? Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

(And this last one is for shadows)
-500? Fahrenheit (-295? C)
? Hell freezes over.
? The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

[smc]

Originally Posted by ila

...
(And this last one is for shadows)
-500? Fahrenheit (-295? C)
? Hell freezes over.
? The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

I scrolled down slowly, thinking that I would find exactly that!

I wonder, if one is a Leafs fan but also Jewish, does the fact that Jews don't believe in hell help or hurt the cause?