Straight dude with a t-girl friend needs advice

[GravityGrave]

There is already some great advice in this thread, but to reiterate, you sound like a normal guy to me and I'm sure your feelings are justified. I understand how it can be a tough thing to cope with, and I've seen many similar stories along the lines of families dealing with siblings or children who are MTF or FTM transsexuals. I think the fact that you have stood by your friend despite any discomfort you have experienced is a testament to the fact that you are a good person.

It's obviously not easy to just erase your past perceptions of your friend and completely see her as a woman. Just keep reminding yourself that one's sex is in the mind, not necessarily the body. If her joke flirting makes you uncomfortable, then just let her know. I know it's tough but you should try to find other close people to talk with - it just might not be a good idea to let your friend know that you're having a hard time accepting the transition because it's likely really hard on her too.

Just remember that you have one life to live, and whatever other people think of you, your sexuality, or your friend's is of absolutely no importance.

[rawr1313]

I'm really not bothered that she now looks like a woman and in no way do I think she's insane. She's actually very pretty. She's going through a hell of a time right now, only recently came out to her parents, and after going through the physical transition, most of the men including her father have pretty much cut all contact with her.

I really don't care what other people think. We currently live together and a few neighbors know who she is because their children went to school with us, and I've had words with them a few times about being respectful towards others. Girlfriends I've had that have an issue with my best friend being a t-girl get dumped pretty fast because she's my best friend and I don't intend for that to change and I don't intend to hide her either.

I guess to chalk it all down is there's been a recent tension in our friendship because I still act like she's one of the guys when we hang out. On weekends I usually have a bunch of people over, we have a few drinks and watch some movies, and shoot the shit. I have a ridiculously large couch that turns into a giant bed and we usually all crash on it and hang out for the weekend.

Now as a Massage Therapist most of my work friends are female, and so aren't almost all my best friends. Really the only guys who show up are her boyfriend who sometimes is too busy to come, or some of her guy friends. When we were all hanging out a couple weeks ago she cuddled up next to me like some of the other girls do and well it kinda went like this.

Brain - Hey... thats a guy man. Akward...
Heart - Who gives a crap, that's your best friend. You'd take a bullet for her just give her some comfort you jackass.

Basically I just dealt with being uncomfortable because I honestly would have felt worse offending her by pushing her away. Especially with the emotional time shes been through and her boyfriend wasn't there for her that night.

Then the event that eventually brought me here. Was eating some cheerios the other morning and she came up and asked me if she should keep her cock or not. Now we've always been open with each other growin up, and very little is kept from either of us. But when she asked me this I looked at her with a "Dur?" like expression because I honestly did not know how to respond and I do believe she was disappointed that her best friend couldn't give her any advice.

I've looked through these boards and I see there's quite a few frequent posters around that actually do know, or are M2F women, and I guess I'm just wondering how to proceed. I don't want a great friendship to end over something like this, but I'm afraid if I tell her about me being uncomfortable with my inability to cope she might feel like the only guy in her life who's stuck by her through it all is leaving or something. I don't intend to though, but as you can see I'm a simple guy and not much thought process goes on between my 2 ears. Expressing myself is not my strong suit.

TYVM for the advice so far it really helps.

[ila]

Your best friend needs you to be there for her right now as her best friend. Don't let her down now and keep on supporting her in the way you have been. SRS is going to be something that you won't be able to give advice on. That is something that your friend is going to have to figure out for herself. Talk to her about it when she does want to talk about it. She may be just asking your opinion and not for advice. There are so many possibilities for why she broached the subject with you. I really think that your friend should talk to other women that have had SRS. I'm sure that she will get a better perspective from them. She should also talk to other women that do not want to get SRS to get another viewpoint.

[noble1337]

you can always be a best friend to her, but the fact that she's not guy anymore will change the chemistry. dont avoid that fact, accept it. Hang outs are gonna be a lot different from here on out. not worse, just different.
but you know more about this subject than i do though haha...

[racquel]

It sounds like you're being about as good a friend as you possibly can. Feel free to be honest that she's making you uncomfortable. If one of your other female friends was just a good friend to you and you didn't see any possibility of a relationship with her, you would be a little uncomfortable with her flirting with you and trying to cuddle up with you. And no matter what your relationship status, it's pretty inappropriate for a woman to come to a man and start asking his opinion about her crotch.

I think she's more confused by your relationship than you are. You're friends, and she's going to ruin that friendship if she behaves in some bizarre sexual manner around you.

If she's only recently started taking hormones, though, she's going to be a little flaky. It's like all your emotions are amplified and you can experience levels of attachment, loneliness and resentment that you never had before. It can be overwhelming.

Like Ila said, it would help her to find other trans women to talk to about stuff and not harrass her best friend with uncomfortable questions about her cock. I mean, OMFG.

[rawr1313]

Ila is right, I used the wrong word. She isn't asking my advice but my opinion. I'm just not prepared for this type of thing. I know diddly squat about what it's like to be a "woman trapped in a mans body" or what it's like to go through a physical change like this. I've seen some crazy stuff in my life, and I'm not grossed out about questions about genitalia, but a question like that caught me totally off guard and I have no experience to even try to give an opinion based on anything.

I've spent a couple months reading a lot of the boards before I decided to post, in an attempt to get an idea of what my friend is going through and how to help her settle into her life. I knew it would be difficult for her explaining to her family and then going through with a fair amount of surgery and hormone therapy, I was just not expecting the friendship and the chemistry to change.

When we were just 2 kids I always knew what he was thinkin. As we got older I realized pretty quick he was very feminine and was like a girl, but our friendship was always the same as any 2 guys. Now after it all, she wants to be a girl and just a girl. Not someone who went M2F, just a girl. I think sometimes she wants to just pretend everything before the surgery and the hormones never happened and if that's the case I can understand that.

I try my best but sometimes I slip when I'm just hangin out and not thinkin. She gets angry when I call her by her birth name for example. I don't mean to, but it's difficult when you call someone by a name for 14 years and then they have a different name. It's like come january 1st and you accidentally write 2009 on the check book. Force of habit.

She wants to be treated like a girl, because she feels that she is and has always been one and I feel like since I'm the person who's in her life the most, it's my job to secure that. I feel like I'm failing at it. Moments like the ones mentioned, happen a lot and I hide my discomfort in the hopes I'll just get over it.

I don't plan on bailing on her though, and I'll do whatever I can to not let her down because I know she needs me. I was just looking for some insight to others who may have been in my position, or have been in her position making a transition and seeing how the people around them respond to it.

I just wanted an outside opinion from others like her or myself on whether or not I am being a bad friend or not. It bothers me a lot when I feel uncomfortable around the one person on the planet I trust and care for more than anyone else.

Thank you for the insight and awesome feedback, and here is to me figuring this all out...

[WudLuv2try]

Your friend... she's lucky to have a friend like you.

Do you feel sexually attracted to her?

[JodieTs]

Originally Posted by rawr1313

She gets angry when I call her by her birth name for example. I don't mean to, but it's difficult when you call someone by a name for 14 years and then they have a different name. It's like come january 1st and you accidentally write 2009 on the check book. Force of habit.

Insecurity. So don't sweat it.
We are all like that at the start
Just a quiet "sorry" should do, till she is comfortable,
at which point she will smirk when you do that
& insist you address her, with her birth name for the rest of the day! ....if she is anything like me...

Oh, you are being a brill friend; keep doing what you are doing.

Misha. xxx