Why?

[slipper]

If I'm understanding correctly, you seem to be talking about YOUR feelings??? If so, PLEASE, consider getting professional help, pronto! There are those who CAN help. Often one wants to escape pain, worry, or fear... but, if they make it through they are glad they didn't "escape."

Please, ask for help from someone who can legitimately and genuinely give it!!!

And, all the best. I hope to see you here again and feeling better.