funny joke!

[simmo]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I phoned the local builders today,
I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked
if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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[simmo]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence and was in our yard before we knew it.

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck Off', the Rottweiler ate her!