Is there a sequence of events that you believe lead to your current sexual desires

[kitty cox]

One such event was in forth grade all the students were treated to a movie in the cafeteria; the lights were turned down low and the film began the boy that was beside me to my right asked me if I wanted to play a game I said yes he said that we would both try and see who could be first to get the other guys penis out of his zipped pants with one hand; I remember that I never even hesitated for a second, with my enthusiastic response, he did not hesitate either and said look I will show you. He slid his left hand over to my tiny bulge and started unzipping my pants, my bulge was now growing larger as he tugged at the zipper, as soon as he had my zipper down he slipped his hand in the opening and fondled me through my BVD's , this went on much longer then it would take any boy to find the fly-front of another boys underwear. After a minute or two he went in for the real deal and passed his hand through the fly and started fondling around for a minute and then, I believe he reluctantly pulled my, now hard, penis out of my pants for anyone that was near to us could see. It was so exciting, the whole thing, the fact that we were in the middle of the rest of our classmates, even if the room was dark, there I was sitting, just fresh from agreeing to have another boy play with me and now I am sitting there with my hardon sticking out of my pants and all I could think about was that I wanted more. Before I could say anything, he said now zip up and we can start the game. It was like a dream had come true I was hopping that someone else liked this sort of thing other then just me. I left out that this was a Catholic school and I was raised by all of the guilt-ridden adults that this kind of thing was dirty. Naturally we played different variations of that game all through the movie.
Afterward we agreed to met in the boys lavatory after school; we stood in one of the deserted lavatory stalls and unzipped our pants and rubbed our penises together from the first moment I never questioned it I simply loved it. I still loved girl's bodies and there clothing but I turned my attention to boys and their dicks it felt much more comfortable soon I met many boys that liked exposing their selves and being touched. When I would see a boy's penis all I wanted to do was kiss it and lick his balls but that was only a unfulfilled all consuming desire for several years before it would completely come true.
I will continue in my very next post.

[kitty cox]

The family and I moved to another state and I found a new friend that had a curiosity about such things. This new friend of mine told me how when his parents would have some of their friends over he would go to his room close the door and lay under his bed, pull his zipper down pull his hard penis out and just lay there. He said it felt so good to be hard and exposing himself, even if no one were likely to catch him it excited him to know that there was a room full of people, just on the other side of the door. I told him that I had been doing that kind of thing for years and I quickly encouraged him that it would be fun if we were to slide under his bed an do it right now. He willingly agreed. As soon as I caught sight of his cute little hairless boy package, I knew I had to have it. I asked him did he know what a blow job was, I told him that I had seen a picture in a book that my father had in his nightstand and that there was a picture of a lady with a mans penis in her mouth, I remember when I did see that picture I remember thinking to my self that here again the girl in the picture was having all the fun and her panty covered bottom was so pretty, any way back to that afternoon with my new friend. He agreed to let me do it to him and that was really all I needed. like I said when I laid eyes on what he had between his legs I had to find a way to kiss it, lick it and just to even taste that cute little thing, as soon as he agreed to let me try..... yes try I did and that was the first taste of lady boy cock that I had in my young life and that along with my fondness for the female body have bonded the desires that remain to this very day for ladyboys. He said he enjoyed it but soon enough I was to realize that I was the one always asking him if I could take his pants down. I wanted more I had waited for a long time to find another friend that had a interest in such things I had longing desires but it was something that I was not going to talk about. I thought I was a freak of nature desiring both boys and girls but wanting to wear girls panties and other pretty girl things, I had been convinced that most people don't feel or think that way. If another were to talk about it I would give them safe haven immediately with my own admission but not until. So I kept pushing my new friend for more every time I would see him I would ask him if I could play with his penis and balls I really enjoyed licking his balls. And it got to the point that every time I would get him in a secluded place I would ask him if I could pull his pants down and play with him.
He must of got caught by his mother or father doing something because he asked me if I thought we might be doing something wrong we were to young for these kinds of moral questions about ten and eleven years old but he would not answer the door any more and his parents said he was away somewhere but I never laid eyes on him again. I suspect that his parents sent him to stay with a relative so he and I would not be playing together any more. That realization of that fact, about his parents sending him to stay with relatives was not mine at that age but when I reflect back, on the sequence of events, I am sure that is exactly what occurred. please come back the story goes on.

[kitty cox]

There is another thing worth mentioning there was a pretty blond girl that lived in the apartment up stairs to better explain I should add that we grew up poor and my mother was always trying to do things to scrape-by. One of her favorite things to do was to tell neighbors that there was a clothing drive for some good cause, and she would go through the items and ask me to try on anything I liked; I remember on this particular occasion, I picked out three shirts that I liked (now remember I chose these items) now let me finish the story about the cute blond girl upstairs. A group of our neighborhood boys and girls were introduced to the game spin the bottle, and we played the game for about a week and that was the first time I kissed the cute blond from upstairs; I wanted to look good for the game, and so I put on one of the shirts that I had picked out from the donations and wore a different one every night in the hope of winning the cute blond girls' heart. The shirts were a pull-over your head type and had a pastel checker pattern with very short sleeves with a white trim; there were three buttons at the neck that you could button after you got your head through. The following weekend me and the little blond girl tried a little heaver kissing on the front porch I think we both enjoyed this, and we would talk with each other in-between kissing and hugging each other that is when she told me that I had been wearing one or another of her blouses just about every night for the past week, and that I was wearing one at that very moment. I told her she was crazy, she told me that it was true, and she would prove it, she showed me how a girl's blouse buttoned the opposite way and how the one I was wearing had darts sewed into the front of the blouse. I just acted like I did not know how that happened, she sweetly assured me not to be concerned, she thought I looked cute in them, and that they fit me just right. We continued Kissing. I wore one of the blouses again every time I saw her come out to play, because she told me she liked me in them. We never had a chance to make out again apparently the reason that her mother, had given my mother, all the cloths for the clothing drive, was because her family was in the process of moving.
Take a breath with me and lets look at what was going threw my early sexual development, because I had this whole confusing thing going on about being punished by being put in a pair of panties (Note: Please see my first post) and this girl acting all accepting and reaffirming about how I looked in her blouses. On the one hand, I had been punished in girls panties that was both exciting and embarrassing and little pretty Mary Ann, saying panties were only for girls, and years later another pretty girl telling me I looked cute in her girls cloths, her blouses, this was both exciting and embarrassing and this was the same time that I was experimenting with the eleven year old boy that I told you about in my last post. If I put all these things to gather and shake them up' can you guess wear I am going with this?
(Early childhood development). I know this is a scary subject and many will shy away from sharing the early and sometimes embarrassing things that lead to their current sexual desires but all are welcome here and true freedom is knowing that your path was not completely of your own choosing and all that you have to do is to use reason and do your own thing and if any one questions your choices you can reply to them with these questions. Have you ever taken an in-depth look at the things that happened or did not happen to you? Do you want to share everything with me and tell me why you are the way you are? Are you so self assured that you, do not, think that you have any character flaws? And the final question. If you are sure that you have no flaws can you see that is because you did not live a life like mine?

[kitty cox]

Please share any experience you had in your early years that took you down the path of loving or wanting to be a TGirl, Ladyboy, Pantyboy, Crossdresser, Femboy

[barry]

first off i want to thank you for putting yourself out there. as you stated - it can be difficult to talk about

of my many situations one stands out the most would be when i was around 10. not old enough to know better. this older kid (probably around 17 or 18) down the street would come up and hang out with my brother and i. well eventually he cornered me and i dont know how but we got to talking about penises and errections and that it was normal. he asked if i had seen another errection before and i told him no. so he pulls out his dick witch i recall being quick thick and large. it was semi errect and he started to touch himself. he told me it was ok that i touched it and so i did. i grabbed it like it was a summer sausage wrapping my fingers around the girth of his cock. he seemed to like this.

most times it took place in our play house. we had a club house out behind the fence and we would go out there and play together. i was a very horny child and it was reciprocated so i didnt realize the seriousness of my actions. he said to pretend i was his girlfriend and i would play with his dick and suck on his balls and give him blowjobs (even though i didnt know thats what i was doing) and as i said he would return the favor to my tiny little dick and it felt nice. this continued for quite some time until one day it was too hot of a summer day to "play" in the clubhouse.

so we wandered inside to the basement where our pants eventually came off. the sound of the door handle turning brought me back to reality as i knew perhaps i would be in trouble but not exactly what for. my mom opens the door to find her son and this young man with their pants over their crotches sitting on the floor in the dark of the basement. she told him to go home immediately and i was sent upstairs to talk to her about what had happened.

i told her how it had been ongoing and that i was just pretending to be his girlfriend. it came out of my mouth like i was justifying it. my mother then explained to me that this sort of behavior was not right and that it must stop. i was pretty confused. so i went back to humping my bed until i found someone else as sexually charged as i.

to this day i dont know why she didnt persue criminal charges. perhaps to save me from the horror that would follow, i suppose i will never know.

[kitty cox]

Berry I cannot thank you enough for sharing this most intimate part of your life with all of us. By sharing with each other (in a safe place) Pretty much in trusted secret, in this open form, these early events, that occurred in our lives, that had to of influenced our sexual orientation, we can draw a better collective understanding of ourselves, each time someone is brave enough to share a story of a pivotal moment in their early sexual development, we have another piece of the puzzle. I see you put the word ashamed; ashamed is a very powerful emotion, Berry, do you know that for either good or for bad emotions are the energy that is the primary driving force for change. Think about it for a minute if you get robed and beaten on a walk to the store one night, you will experience fear, from that fear, you will alter your life, to prevent that from ever happening to you again and the driving forced behind the altering of your life is the emotion fear, emotions are one of the most powerful forces in our life. Your experience with the older boy had an impact on your sexual development; can you share what you think that was? Furthermore, did this have a domino effect or a branching out effect in one direction or another? Thank you again for being so open about your experience. May I tell you about a true story one night a friend of mine asked me to drive him to his Alcohols anonymous meeting, and I did , I had some errands to run and I told him I would pick him up after the meeting, when he got in the car he started telling me about this man that told this story about how he was all trying to get sober an everything and when he returned hone early last night, he found a trusted friend screwing his ten year old son in the ass. Furthermore, this trusted friend had been watching his son on and off for a long time. then he said we have to get him checked out for STD's Then he kept saying and they expect me to stay sober, I don't need this shit. I trust he used that excuse to go out and drink that night all that I kept thinking was that the poor child was being outed to probably every body his father knew, and I know that along with the sex act itself the outing by his father, changed that Childs life from that point onwards. and it branched out from there I know we seek out repeating our strongest and earliest sexual experiences. My first experiences were with girls and boys, but we were within months of each other in terms of age that's why I believe that I am trying to put all of them together my key elements are, firstly, they are both male and female , thus I like TGirls but secondly there was the very early experience of being punished by being forced to wear girls panties this early experience introduced humiliation, forced transvestitism by females, and a fetish for panty punishment, there will be new posts that will explain why I have a bent more towards femmboys with small breasts so please come back and see that I have traced back all of my proclivities. Now I would like to extend a warm thank you to sissyneha Let me just say I am very grateful to you as well for sharing the reason that I have not replied to you yet is because you talked about your little breast buds and I needed to do two or maybe three more posts before I told my story about my experience with breast buds and my research into the commonality of the phenomenon .

Don't you think you should earn your panty privileges ?

[kitty cox]

Your vivid account of your child hood and the bond that you had with your sisters reminds me of the connectedness I had with the three little playmates that I had up until the age of ten we played with dolls and played house and the girls let me wear their things when we played dress up, truth is I cannot remember if it was after I was punished by being made to ware Ann Marries panties or after, that I started asking the three girls if I could see their panties and then asked if I could wear their panties all I remember was that I wanted to be like them, I loved their cute bottoms and soft skin. I would ask them to slide under the bed and pull down their pants, so I could see their pretty bottom, they would always want me to pull my pants down to, and they would say that I had a cute but to. issyneha you spoke about breast buds and what most people do not know is that this is more common than generally know, but if you factor in that both of us had girls to play with when we were young and we played dress up in their clothes (and remember how accommodating they were with the whole acting like a girl with them and wearing their clothes, there was no condemnation) the only time I remember Ann Marie protesting me wearing her panties was when her mother was punishing me, but this must have been for her mothers benefit because she never protested when it was just me and one ,two or all three of the other girls were around : but like you, I got side tract back to the breast buds with our history and add to that actually beginning the process of the breast development. How could we of turned out any differently? Anyway here are my memories of my breast buds.
When I turned fourteen three things happened to me that I am sure had a part in forming my desires the first was that while going through adolescents I started forming breast buds (for you who are unaware of what breast buds are) it is what happens when a young female begins the process of developing and forming her breast. They are little buds or bumps that form in a circular pattern under the nipple; first one then another and another until the nipple becomes tender and starts to swell and her breast's begin to form and protrude away from the chest wall. At some point my mothered noticed what was happening and asked me what is this? She started her digital probing to confirming her suspicions.
I forget all that happened but I know that I herd my mother say that I was forming female breast buds. She sent me to see our Doctor and I went through the humiliation of his digital probing and confirming that I was indeed forming breast buds. He told me not to worry that it would go away in time. I did not believe him so I asked my mother what was happening to me and she just repeated what the Doctor said I thought both of them were lying to me and what they really meant was they hoped it would go away. Many years later I learned that it's not all that uncommon for some boys to go through this and that most of the time the process stops before the process developes anything more then puffy nipples, but there are varying degrees of this and only in rare circumstances that enough of the hormones are present to form a true female breast. But that did not help me back then I was struggling with my sexual identity and this did not help I had strong heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual desires along with racing adolescent hormones.

Please see my last post of October 4th 09 Where I explain where I believe their were many thing that reinforced my strong desire for a very feminine looking boygirl with little developing breast with puffy nipples that turns my fire up like nothing else. please post the things that you remember from an early age that feed your desire for these beauties and please keep the pictures coming they are so cute you have made my panties wet again! I was thinking of starting a new post asking members if they love tranny pantied cock as much as I do. I simply lone seeing a laydyboy's bulging panty covered cock then followed with pictures of their little hard candy sneaking out the waistband

[barry]

Originally Posted by kitty cox

Your experience with the older boy had an impact on your sexual development; can you share what you think that was? Furthermore, did this have a domino effect or a branching out effect in one direction or another?

i cant really think of anything other than a fascination with sex in general. particularly the male since i didnt know right or wrong (as society deems). so like you with racing hormones i simply endulged in what felt good.

for some reason....and i hope you guys can back me up on this, but it seems like people like us seem to portray an aura - perhaps a sent or something that others like us pick up on. did it have a domino effect? yes, there were incidents during school (reading time under the table with another boy) and in camping with another boy in scouts. its not that i desired boys but they seemed to understand me better and they wanted what i wanted. it was just easier. and it seemed like they were able to find me pretty easilly.

it sort of came to an end when one of my playmates told me he wasnt gay but that he was just really horny and since neither of us had girlfriends we would just help each other out. i felt like it was more than that. at times i still think about him and the playing we did.

i suppose this is where my fascination with tgirls comes from. they are boys but they are girls. so its the best of both worlds. i suppose there is a bunch of fucked up shit going on inside my head. truth is i have tried to forget these memories and pretend they didnt happen for so many years i thought i was almost over them and now and then they come rushing back to me. i suppose i still dont know who or what i want. i dont understand my fascination with panties either. i just like weird stuff i suppose. i know its deeper than that and thats the point of this thread. as i said, i just burried a lot of these emotions for many many years.

great thread by the way - thank you