Waiting for my dream girl

[a9127]

Found on CNN this morning. It must have something to do with that "born before 1985" thing. Now I know what someday I want to do with my life:

https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/02/healt...ntl/index.html

Wow. $9 USD per hour! I’ll try not to spend it all at once. Of course I’ll use the image below as my “profile pic.”

[a9127]

Desperately in need of a new image if I’m ever going to get laid. Something that will make any woman instantly want to go to bed with me. Was searching the Internet for advice and found this.

https://www.eater.com/2014/4/24/6236...es-cargo-pants


First published in 2014, here’s an excerpt:

…attempt to be "to be modern and relevant”… (Me: Yeah, for 1985 maybe.)

…includes yellow cargo pants and a vest "accompanied by a red-and-white striped rugby shirt." He will also be sporting a "whimsical new red blazer" and a special bowtie for special events…

…using the hashtag #RonaldMcDonald" the release quotes him as saying, "Selfies …here I come!"

Damn! What’s next? The cover of “GQ”? His own “Bachelor” reality show?

I can’t imagine the beautiful, successful, millennial woman who would not “swipe right” on this. If I had only known I would have worn this outfit to the Paramore concert last month. Hayley I’m sure would have invited me back to her dressing room. After seeing this, Dove Cameron walked off the set of “Descendants 3” and headed to Zionsville. Miley, just this week said she and Liam have “no plans to get married anytime soon.” My beautiful 6’4” volleyball player, Manon, jumped on a plane in Amsterdam and flew to Indianapolis. And Nicole Ferri asked me to come live with her in Argentina on a private beach where we can have sex every day for the rest of our lives.

(It’s gotta be the shoes. You know what they say about people with “big feet”? Disclaimer: I don’t ever go to McDonalds. Since reading this yesterday, I learned he “retired” in 2017. So I guess it didn't work. )

[a9127]

I may have judged Ronald's new "threads" prematurely. Now where can I get bright yellow cargo pants and a vest?

Just being one of the guys...

"But officer she looked 18."

(Yep. After the "evil clown" sightings in 2016, McDonald's scaled back his "brand representation." FYI both of my nieces think he's "creepy" with or without the makeover. )

[a9127]

The first step in on-line dating they say is to write a good description of yourself. So here goes...

Actually, I was a poor student (had to repeat first grade twice) and then was cut from my 5th grade flag football team. Was born in 1949. Drive a beat up ’84 Buick. Still a virgin. Live in a rusted out trailer near Zionsville. 5’7” 300 pound “musclehead.” Smoke weed, do meth and coke regularly. Favorite album is Pat Boone “In a Metal Mood.” Favorite song is “Afternoon Delight.” Favorite movie is “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.” Got fired from my job delivering for Pizza Hut. The only exercise I get is going out to my mailbox to collect my welfare check. Other than that I sit around all day jacking off to t-girl porn off my neighbor’s unsecured Wi-Fi connection. Into autoerotic asphyxiation and CBT. Once I tried picking up prostitutes down on Washington street but even they wouldn’t have anything to do with me. There was this one that was really hot but she turned out to be a cop.

Sound better?

[a9127]

Another one of those “Fake Ads” from CNN. This one’s called “Things Flight Attendants Notice About Passengers In 3 Seconds.”

I noticed several things too:

She’s really cute.

The way she’s looking at me as I get on the plane. I didn’t realize it was that obvious. Better cover it with my carry on baggage…

Her very short uniform and the way she’s sitting. Also the position of her right hand… Maybe she's been playing with her cock?

Why do I get the feeling we’re gonna end up joining the “mile high” club sometime during this flight?

(I hate flying. Maybe she was just trying to make me feel relaxed? It must have worked. About an hour into the flight she joined me in the rest room. I took her from behind while jacking her off. It was great. We thought we had gotten away with it until all the passengers applauded... )

[a9127]

From Esquire:

This week in "Everything Is Dumb, Humanity Is Broken," a 69-year-old man is petitioning to legally have his age lowered to 49 because it fits his body better, claiming that age is fluid, like gender or my faith in humanity. The Dutch man, Emile Ratelband, was born in 1949 and works as a pensioner in his hometown of Arnhem.

The whole thing kicked off after Ratelband, who literally described himself as a "young god," felt he was being discriminated against on dating apps. Regarding the 20-year-shed reported in The Guardian, Ratelband goes on to say, "When I’m on Tinder and it says I’m 69, I don’t get an answer. When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position." Pretty presumptive to think that it's the 69 (nice) that's deterring potential partners and not, say, the penchant to call yourself a "young god."

Unfortunately, I believe Ratelband weakens his already shaky argument by comparing his proposed “age adjustment” to changing one’s gender legally. Not only is that offensive to many (to me it sure as hell is) but it’s the wrong comparison and shows his ignorance.

However he has given me a great idea! I’ve decided to petition a judge to make me “18” again. The same age as Hayley Williams in the picture I’ve posted below.

As for our misguided friend. I couldn’t help but run the “age test” on him. Check it out. A “young god” he is not. He might want to think about having more than 20 years deducted. Maybe see a plastic surgeon while he's at it? I have a feeling his reasons for not getting a “date” on Tinder are many… age is the least of his worries.

[a9127]

Recently another one of those “fake ads” has been circulating. You know, the ones like the “Born Before 1985” ads featuring 80 year old men. They are commonly referred to as “clickbait.” This one instead features a gorgeous model wearing a red hoodie. The caption reads:

“An Apple Engineer Designed a Sweatshirt That’s Disrupting American Manufacturing.”

Below is a review of the ad featuring my “future wife.” My comments are in parentheses. As always they should be taken with a “grain of salt.” Fuck, just use the entire shaker!

“This ad is good.” (No Shit. )

“A photo of a realistic looking woman looking directly at you.” (Yeah, sure, I run into women who look just like her at least 1000 times a day or more… )

“Piggybacking on a brand like Apple and incorporating a power word like “Disrupting.” (Damn, I though SHE worked for Apple! Was planning to move to California. The thing she’s most likely to “disrupt” is my current marriage... )

“Once again, doesn’t get anymore basic and boring than American Manufacturing.” (Gee Thanks. Now I know what’s wrong with our economy. Never would have guessed... )

“And yet this ad manages to somehow leap off the page.” (Yeah, it does. My first thought was “Who IS she?” then “How can I ask her out?” Never really thought about the “hoodie” except that she looked cute in it. )

“Thanks in large part to emphasizing what’s interesting or unique.” (Hint: Definitely NOT the sweatshirt. Sorry... Now if you can just tell me her name.)

[a9127]

There's so much competition out there. Wanted to write a good profile so I could get dates.

Originally Posted by a9127

Actually, I was a poor student (had to repeat first grade twice) and then was cut from my 5th grade flag football team. Was born in 1949. Drive a beat up ’84 Buick. Still a virgin. Live in a rusted out trailer near Zionsville. 5’7” 300 pound “musclehead.” Smoke weed, do meth and coke regularly. Favorite album is Pat Boone “In a Metal Mood.” Favorite song is “Afternoon Delight.” Favorite movie is “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.” Got fired from my job delivering for Pizza Hut. The only exercise I get is going out to my mailbox to collect my welfare check. Other than that I sit around all day jacking off to t-girl porn off my neighbor’s unsecured Wi-Fi connection. Into autoerotic asphyxiation and CBT. Once I tried picking up prostitutes down on Washington street but even they wouldn’t have anything to do with me. There was this one that was really hot but she turned out to be a cop.

But I did just get hired at Domino's. They even gave me a new car!

[ila]

Originally Posted by a9127

But I did just get hired at Domino's. They even gave me a new car!

I finally found out what happened to my car. It still has the same licence plate.

[a9127]

Age. Does it matter? Many of the women we post on this site are much younger or sometimes older that most of us. So if you had a chance to date or be in a relationship with one would you go for it? I think its fine so as long as both partners are “over 18” and the relationship is consensual and not "arranged" or "coerced." I’ve seen plenty of “formulas,” “charts,” and “rules” regarding what is the “right” age. To me it’s all irrelevant. What matters only is how the two people involved feel about each other.

Many 20+ year age gaps (sometimes 30, 40, or more) can be found among celebrity couples. And often in real life. Typically in our society, it is the man who is older—but not always. More women appear to be dating “younger men” than ever before although I don’t have any data on it at the moment.

This is Hugh Hefner and his wife Crystal. Hefner passed away in 2017. He was approximately 60 years older than his spouse. To put it in perspective, my wife is three months younger than Crystal, or to look at it another way, when Hefner was my age Crystal wouldn’t be born for another 24 years! So it looks like I’m just gonna have to stick around a while to meet my “future wife.”

(Does this mean that Dove Cameron is too old for me then? )

[a9127]

Originally Posted by ila

I finally found out what happened to my car. It still has the same licence plate.

Thanks for letting me borrow it. Last night I drove it down to Tennessee and took Hayley out in it. She said she had "never been in a car like that before" and was glad I didn't bring the Corvette instead.