funny joke!

[simmo]

A teacher at a TAFE College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[rockabilly]

Why did the blonde put crackers down her panties ?

Because everything tastes better on a Ritz.

[ladyboyadmirer]

A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND ?
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you ?'
'Nah', Jock replied, 'I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

[The Conquistador]

What did Spock find when he went to the bathroom?









The Captain's Log

[simmo]

A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again it manifests in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this bloke has no idea what he's talking about.
Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'

[randolph]

My Frog Doesn`t Work
on January 16th, 2001A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: `Oral Sex` frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee!! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody`s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, `I`ll take one.`
The man packaged the frog and said, `Just follow the instructions carefully.`
The girl nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the from down `there`.

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, `If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.` So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, `I had some complaints earlier today. I`ll be right over. Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, `See, I`ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.` The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: `Listen to me! I`m only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!!

[simmo]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I phoned the local builders today,
I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked
if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------

[simmo]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence and was in our yard before we knew it.

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck Off', the Rottweiler ate her!