Movies you can't stand

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Okay folks, I have a new one. It's called "Wrong Turn 2: Wrong Turnier.

Okay, it's not called that but it should have been. I watched the first one and while it was a mostly forgettable piece of tripe starring Eliza Dushku, It was a fucking masterpiece compared to this piece of crap.

Do you want to know how bad this movie is?

One of the stars of the movie actually chose "Texas Battle" As his stage name.

I'm.

Not.

Joking.

It's one of the first things you see in the credits, and for a moment you think the title of the movie is Wrong Turn 2: Dead End: Texas Battle. And just for a second you think that your going to witness the showdown of a group of people VS the next generation of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Family. Sadly that would have been much more interesting than what we actually got.

The premise of the movie is that a sad sack of contestants and producers are trying to successfully stage a survivor rip off reality show called "Apocalypse Survivor" where instead of trying to survive in a beautiful lush tropical paradise, they're supposedly in a post apocalyptic nightmare scenario.

Everybody in this thing (and I mean EVERYBODY) is completely forgettable.

Except for one man. For one man alone you should watch this (But don't EVER pay to see it, what you should do is go over to somebody's house you don't like and make them pay to rent it. I guarantee after the movie they'll ask you why you made them watch it, and you can truthfully reply "Cuz I don't like you.

BURN! But I digress.)

That man is Henry "Muthafuckin" Rollins. Everybody really just showed up for the paycheck and you can tell that with the performances.

Except for Rollins. Rollins chews the scenery with complete and august abandon. He goes all out in this film and is the only thing worth watching.

And I suspect that in Rollins mind, he was in a completely different movie. Everybody else was in "Wrong Turn 2."

Rollins was in the sequel to "The Predator" and "Commando" And I firmly believe that he completely thought that he was the Fucking Star of this movie. (Which in a sense he was, since he was the biggest name in the thing.)

Everything about this film just screams "Filmed on a budget of a buck-ninety-five" It was filmed in Canada, much to my dismay. and it was shot on video. Now there is no way to make a forest look scary in high def video. Video is just too crisp to make a forest scary. And Canadian forests are ALL beautiful. No exceptions. So that's out the window.

Plus this thing was directed by Joe lynch. This was his directorial debut, And boy, can you tell. I mean the only credit he has before this is as a FUCKING GRIP on a 1999 movie called "Terror Firmer"

But you can still have a good time with a bad movie of this genre, if they try to do something original and scary with the kills. But ol' joe just racked em up with no tension. And they are so fake looking as to be horrendously funny. I mean the first one is of a blonde airhead reality show actress who is chopped in half by an axe. and her plastic body and plastic intestines (Funny how no other organs fell out of the bisected body cavity.)Fall to the ground and bounce in that "Hey this is actually a plastic body prop" sorta way. And then the two halves of the oh so funny plastic body is dragged off in full frame.

But Ol' Joe got his moneys worth with the intestines as they are prominently shown four more times.

Hi-fuckin-larious!

But you do get to see some average boobies As is the de regeure for films like these.

There is one shot in the film where you tell that 99% of the budget was spent on. It's a double shot kill, And the CGI house in charge of special effects tried, but there's not much you can do for $1.50.

So basically unless you can trick someone you don't like or perhaps you want to have a "See who breaks first" movie marathon of one film. Just stay away from this piece of tripe.

You have been warned.