funny joke!

[randolph]

RETIRE WHERE? Here are some of your choices:

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park,
but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to
know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida ( The Best ) where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[ladyboyadmirer]

Little Tommy


Tommy got kicked out of class today. His teacher asked him,

"Tommy, if I gave you ?20.00 and you gave ?5.00 to Amy,
?5.00 to Katie and ?5.00 to Mary, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left over for a burger and coke,"
was the wrong answer.

[siamgirl]

This had me in stitches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ4zT...eature=related

Best wishes to all

[ErosArtist]

A man dies and ascends to heaven where's he met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter says "you've lived your life as an example for all Christians. You shared the gospel at every opportunity, you never cheated on your wife, you never drank one drop of alcohol, and you only had sex for the purpose of procreation."

The man beamed.

"However," St. Peter continued, "there's one little problem."

"Oh?" the man replied.

"You were non-denominational," St. Peter said. The man looked confused. "We try to keep the denominations separated. Keeps the fights and name calling to to a minimum," the saint added with a sly wink. "The problem is, we don't know where to put you."

The man paused for a moment. Then he asked "can I choose?"

St. Peter wrinkled his brow in thought. Finally he said, "sure. No harm in that, I suppose."

St. Peter opened the gates and in they walked. They stood in a long hallway, with rows of doors as far as the eye could see.

"This is heaven?" the man thought.

St. Peter opened the first door. Inside, people were rolling on the floor, making guttural sounds and thrashing about.

"Evangelicals" St. Peter said.

The man shook his head. "Thanks, but not my style."

They moved to the next door. When St. Peter opened it, every person in the room was crowded together under the door frame.

The man looked to St. Peter. "Jehovah's Witnesses?" he asked.

"Let's move on" St. Peter said with a smirk.

St. Peter reached for the next door knob, then suddenly jerked his hand back. He shot a quick glance to the man, then placed his finger over his lips.

"Shhh," he said, motioning the man to follow.

The man grabbed the sleeve of St. Peter's robes. "Wait a minute," he said with a head nod back towards the door.

St. Peter leaned in close and whispered.

"Southern Baptists. They think they're the only ones here."

[TracyCoxx]

Anyone read xkcd?

[interal]

An article taken from the Washington Post titled "Best Comeback Line Ever".

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to [Lawrence] and he's just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn ... is it midnight already?'"

[interal]

Not a joke, but it made me laugh. Can't remember where it came from.

Latest International News

Two bored morgue attendants got the shock of their lives in Havana recently.

It seems they were playing chess late into their night shift. A corpse suddenly sat up, reached over and moved a bishop to Queen 7 establishing a checkmate. The brainy corpse then laid back down. Despite the efforts to revive it, it remained quite still.

In a magnanimous gesture the chess player, despite the fact there are no rules concerning a cadaver assisting with your game, decided the match a draw. Said his opponent of the corpse, "Sure he looked ugly, real ugly, but he sure looked like he knew what he was doing".

A candle light vigil was held for the anonymous stiff in honour of his brilliant strategy.