Waiting for my dream girl

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What began as a rant against Segway’s and electric scooters has turned out to be a good day for locating “future wives.” You never know where you might meet “the one.”

Her name is Teravena Sugimoto.

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There was stiff competition on CNN today between, “assisted living facilities near Zionsville,” “coronavirus masks,” and “Saharan Dust,” but the “fake ad” that grabbed my attention today was this one. The caption read: “She Was A Legendary Actress, Today She Works 9 To 5.”

It didn’t take me very long to recognize Cameron Diaz one of my major “celebrity crushes.” I like most guys, fell in love with her way back in 1994 when she appeared in “The Mask.”

Interestingly after my divorce in 2009, I took a “who is your celebrity match” quiz just for fun on a dating site I had joined.

Guess who turned out to be my match?

Of course anyone could have told you she doesn’t need to work “9 to 5” but here’s what Wikipedia had to say about her success:

“Her accolades include four Golden Globe Award nominations, three Screen Actors Guild Award nominations, and a New York Film Critics Award. In 2013, she was named the highest-paid actress over 40 in Hollywood. As of 2018, the U.S. domestic box office grosses of Diaz's films total over $3 billion USD, with worldwide grosses surpassing $7 billion, making her the fifth highest-grossing U.S. domestic box office actress.”

The last three pics are from “There’s Something About Mary” (wonder what’s up with the hair? ), “Bad Teacher,” and “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.”

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This was a couple years ago. My birthday is August 18. I remember my wife and her friends wanted to “surprise” me. Never realized they’d post it.

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Today’s best “clickbait” ad was for a clothing company and featured a very pretty model. I guess they finally figured out what works on me.

Funny, I haven’t been falling for that 87 year old man “Born Before 1985” the “Assisted Living in Zionsville” ads, the “Millennial's Are Learning a New Language” ads, or anything featuring “30 Year Old Boomers.”

Anyway this led to meeting my latest “future wife.” Is this better than Tinder or what?

Her name is Irene Linares.

She said “So Andy, your wife has to work all weekend?”

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"We want to take Dr. Andy's class. 'Business Analytics' sounds like fun (giggle) and we don't give a fuck that he's married..."

(Most of you know I teach at a university in Indianapolis. We don't even know what to expect this Fall. Plans were to open for "normal" classes but the Coronavirus situation in the United States has gotten worse. Our last "faculty meeting" in late June was a mess. No one seems to know what they are doing. Wearing masks, size of classes, social distancing, attendance, etc. My wife (a nurse) is very concerned especially after listening in on the conference call. So I have opted to teach 100% online. I was also named "Executive in Residence" effective 8/1. An endowed (He said, "endowed" huh huh huh...) position (like a Chair) that will require me to interact with the local business community. As part of this deal I will teach two "upper level" Business Analytics classes. I can do this from home and meet with students in small groups on campus. Will use Webex a lot. This will make me the highest paid faculty member and puts me "salary wise" on the level of a VP (in this case like a "CIO"). The "bad news" is that technically I had to "resign" in order to accept this. So right now, I'm unemployed... )

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Today's "fake ad" ended up taking me to an article on “celebrity heights” which in turn led me to Reddit and a discussion on “height and dating.” Still don’t know who they are (think it’s wrestling) but at least one of them could have her way with me anytime. You know which one… So it's a date?

Of course if it’s on “Reddit” you know it’s true. Their members all know so much! This post however, is the one that really got my attention:

Guys,
30M here, 5’6, bald, eastern US. I’ve been trying my luck on online dating sites, such as hinge and okcupid. I put my height down, and I still get a decent amount of likes every day. I’m in good shape, definitely muscular but not roided. I think I’m average in terms of looks. Have a good job.
I’m starting to match with really great women that say I’m a catch as well. They follow up in text and appear to be genuinely interested. They’re mostly in their mid 30’s, but I don’t mind. Also I’m getting the most interest from asian women(I love asian women so win win), although the one that called me a catch is about an inch taller than me. I’ve also gotten likes from 5’8 women.
I’m beginning to think my height isn’t a huge deal. I think my pictures are shitty and if improved could yield even more success.
I feel like I’m slowly losing my height insecurities.
I think my goal is not only to find the love of my life, but serve as an inspiration on here that a 168cm guy can find love and an amazing career(already checked that one off). I think it’ll take a little more time, but I want the next update to this post to be that I’ve found my gf and future wife.

Sounds fake to me. Like something from a “clickbait” ad. Christ, thought he was selling CBD oil or “penis enlargement” at first. Maybe he’s actually that 87 year old guy in the “Born Before 1985” ads?

Lots of things wrong with this. For example: “asian” women? With a small “a”? and “Eastern US”? (what’s so bad about being from New Jersey or New York or Boston? ).

He gets “likes” because of all the bots and spammers. I used the “YUNo” guy’s picture once, said I was “60” and 4’11” and still got hundreds of “likes.” Right below this post you can see some of my “future wives.” Maybe I should be the one giving “dating advice”?

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Golf…

Two guys were playing golf. They get to the first tee and see two women playing ahead of them.

One of them says "That's my wife and my girlfriend!"

The second man says “You took the words right out of my mouth…”