funny joke!

[ladyboyadmirer]

Surprise surprise!

[smc]

Once upon a time, a guy struggling to decide what to wear to a costume party. Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[franalexes]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, ?I?m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.?

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

?I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It?s a very special watch.

It?s been in my family for six generations.? He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ?Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...?


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist?s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

? SHIT!? said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ..

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[smc]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[smc]

My grandmother, who was probably not like the grandmothers of 99 percent of Forum members, told me this joke when I was 13 or 14 years old:

Working late one night, a mortician whose job it was to examine the dead bodies before they are sent off to be buried or cremated was examining Morty Adelman's body. Morty was scheduled to be cremated the next day. To his amazement, the mortician discovered that Morty had the biggest cock he'd ever seen. (My grandmother said pupik, the Yiddish word.)

The mortician thought to himself, "I can't send a specimen like this to be cremated. A cock like that must be saved for posterity." And so he used his tools to remove it carefully, stuffed it into his bag, and brought it home.

Later that night, he said to his wife, "Sweetheart, I have something to show you that you just won't believe." And he opened the bag.

"Oh my god!" screamed his wife. "Morty Adelman is dead!"

[smc]

This one's for Fran:

One day, President Obama, bored with Michelle, was looking for a call girl. Disguising himself, he headed to a local lounge, where he found three: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, "$200."

He asked the brunette the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead. She replied, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way the public is being screwed, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

[randolph]

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences.
I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."