Movies you can't stand

[shadows]

Originally Posted by alphanumeric

God lord. We've come this far and yet nobody has mentioned the "Movie" Parody franchise? Those bastards must Die!!!

But singularly I would have to say Uwe Bolls "Alone in the Dark." I rented it on the premise that his work couldn't be as bad as everyone said.

Oh the horror of my mistake!!! It was the first time that a Movie really negatively upset me. The clerk was willing to refund me when he heard my tale of woe, But I told him some lesson's have to painful in order to truly learn something from them

I just IMDB'd Uwe for the title of the movie (I try NOT to remember anything about it!) And have discovered he actually made a fucking sequel!!!

There are people starving and that POS gets enough money together to make a sequel? There truly is no god...

Alpha, if you are talking about the Scary Movie series, I believe it was mentioned a few posts above(John mentioned it, I think).

Uwe Boll deserves to get locked away for the crap that he makes. A good movie premise can be turned to shit whenever he gets his "magic" touch on them. Perhaps he can be tied to a chair and forced to watch his crappy-ass movies for the rest of his life? Fair punishment I would say.

[alphanumeric]

Originally Posted by shadows

Alpha, if you are talking about the Scary Movie series, I believe it was mentioned a few posts above(John mentioned it, I think).

Uwe Boll deserves to get locked away for the crap that he makes. A good movie premise can be turned to shit whenever he gets his "magic" touch on them. Perhaps he can be tied to a chair and forced to watch his crappy-ass movies for the rest of his life? Fair punishment I would say.

No I'm talking about the "superhero", "Date", and "meet the spartans."

Those POS'

The scary movie franchise is actually done by different folks. Who are just a little bit smarter than the other guys. enough so that it's the other guys who earn my wrath.

[shadows]

Originally Posted by alphanumeric

No I'm talking about the "superhero", "Date", and "meet the spartans."

Those POS'

The scary movie franchise is actually done by different folks. Who are just a little bit smarter than the other guys. enough so that it's the other guys who earn my wrath.

I see. Yes, I have had the misfortune to see Date Movie. The spoof on Napoleon Dynamite at the beginning was the only part of the movie I enjoyed. A shame, as I am a big Alyson Hannigan fan.

I don't have any desire to see either the Spartan or Superhero ones either. From what you have said, I am saving myself some heartburn.

[Tbone]

Originally Posted by alphanumeric

No I'm talking about the "superhero", "Date", and "meet the spartans."

Those POS'

The scary movie franchise is actually done by different folks. Who are just a little bit smarter than the other guys. enough so that it's the other guys who earn my wrath.

Meet the Spartans was so bad I tried my hardest to forget I'd ever seen it. But to think someone gave them $20M to make another movie, scary.

[alphanumeric]

Okay folks, I have a new one. It's called "Wrong Turn 2: Wrong Turnier.

Okay, it's not called that but it should have been. I watched the first one and while it was a mostly forgettable piece of tripe starring Eliza Dushku, It was a fucking masterpiece compared to this piece of crap.

Do you want to know how bad this movie is?

One of the stars of the movie actually chose "Texas Battle" As his stage name.

I'm.

Not.

Joking.

It's one of the first things you see in the credits, and for a moment you think the title of the movie is Wrong Turn 2: Dead End: Texas Battle. And just for a second you think that your going to witness the showdown of a group of people VS the next generation of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Family. Sadly that would have been much more interesting than what we actually got.

The premise of the movie is that a sad sack of contestants and producers are trying to successfully stage a survivor rip off reality show called "Apocalypse Survivor" where instead of trying to survive in a beautiful lush tropical paradise, they're supposedly in a post apocalyptic nightmare scenario.

Everybody in this thing (and I mean EVERYBODY) is completely forgettable.

Except for one man. For one man alone you should watch this (But don't EVER pay to see it, what you should do is go over to somebody's house you don't like and make them pay to rent it. I guarantee after the movie they'll ask you why you made them watch it, and you can truthfully reply "Cuz I don't like you.

BURN! But I digress.)

That man is Henry "Muthafuckin" Rollins. Everybody really just showed up for the paycheck and you can tell that with the performances.

Except for Rollins. Rollins chews the scenery with complete and august abandon. He goes all out in this film and is the only thing worth watching.

And I suspect that in Rollins mind, he was in a completely different movie. Everybody else was in "Wrong Turn 2."

Rollins was in the sequel to "The Predator" and "Commando" And I firmly believe that he completely thought that he was the Fucking Star of this movie. (Which in a sense he was, since he was the biggest name in the thing.)

Everything about this film just screams "Filmed on a budget of a buck-ninety-five" It was filmed in Canada, much to my dismay. and it was shot on video. Now there is no way to make a forest look scary in high def video. Video is just too crisp to make a forest scary. And Canadian forests are ALL beautiful. No exceptions. So that's out the window.

Plus this thing was directed by Joe lynch. This was his directorial debut, And boy, can you tell. I mean the only credit he has before this is as a FUCKING GRIP on a 1999 movie called "Terror Firmer"

But you can still have a good time with a bad movie of this genre, if they try to do something original and scary with the kills. But ol' joe just racked em up with no tension. And they are so fake looking as to be horrendously funny. I mean the first one is of a blonde airhead reality show actress who is chopped in half by an axe. and her plastic body and plastic intestines (Funny how no other organs fell out of the bisected body cavity.)Fall to the ground and bounce in that "Hey this is actually a plastic body prop" sorta way. And then the two halves of the oh so funny plastic body is dragged off in full frame.

But Ol' Joe got his moneys worth with the intestines as they are prominently shown four more times.

Hi-fuckin-larious!

But you do get to see some average boobies As is the de regeure for films like these.

There is one shot in the film where you tell that 99% of the budget was spent on. It's a double shot kill, And the CGI house in charge of special effects tried, but there's not much you can do for $1.50.

So basically unless you can trick someone you don't like or perhaps you want to have a "See who breaks first" movie marathon of one film. Just stay away from this piece of tripe.

You have been warned.

[shadows]

Originally Posted by alphanumeric

Okay folks, I have a new one. It's called "Wrong Turn 2: Wrong Turnier.

Alpha, does this mean you are not going to watch Wrong Turn 3? If Wront Turn 2 is as bad as you say, how the heck could they have made a third one?!? Having not seen Wrong Turn 2 myself, I can only hope that Henry Rollins will return in Wrong Turn 3 and kick copious amounts of ass!

[alphanumeric]

Originally Posted by shadows

Alpha, does this mean you are not going to watch Wrong Turn 3? If Wront Turn 2 is as bad as you say, how the heck could they have made a third one?!? Having not seen Wrong Turn 2 myself, I can only hope that Henry Rollins will return in Wrong Turn 3 and kick copious amounts of ass!

Sadly, Rollins Character Died heroically trying to save his fellow cast members. But I have no doubt that if need be, they will somehow find his "twin" brother who will go and take vengeance on this ragged hillbilly clan of cannibals.

[shadows]

Originally Posted by alphanumeric

Sadly, Rollins Character Died heroically trying to save his fellow cast members. But I have no doubt that if need be, they will somehow find his "twin" brother who will go and take vengeance on this ragged hillbilly clan of cannibals.

Dang. The good (characters) always die young(or shortly after the beginning credits).