feel wrong after masturbation

[GRH]

I think there is more to it than just sexual de-escalation. I think that can be part of it. For instance, I LOVE the idea of drinking my cum from a champagne fluke. The problem is, once I've shot off, I immediately lose the desire. That's where I need a dominate person to step in and force me-- this dominate act makes the swallowing erotic again.

But beyond that, I've had very complex issues with sex. Sometimes after an orgasm, I feel really fucked up. Like not heavenly fucked up with bliss. But very sad and dirty. I've even contemplated suicide after sex (though in fairness, suicide is a fairly recurrent thought in my mental repertoire).

Almost always, I feel very negative if I have anything resembling "normal" penetrative sex where I am using my penis in its designed fashion. I need to be a perpetual bottom. But even then I feel bad sometimes-- but then again, I LIKE feeling bad. I get off on being humiliated and degraded and called all sorts of names. So is that the desired result? I don't know. I DO know that it's fairly complex, and if it is really bothersome to you, you might talk to a therapist or something. I know in my mind, there is some degree of shame and guilt for being of queer/deviant sexuality. Even though I intuitively know it's not wrong, it's the baggage of my upbringing.