Loneliness

Enoch Root · #1 10-10-2010

I do not know how to lead up to this, so I will be blunt: I fear I am in th beginning stages of a suicidal spiral.

I have been hurt recently by a transwoman whom I was head over heels for. I also recently graduated from college and find myself back home, stuck at home, with little hope of leaving these four walls. Even were I to leave my situation is complicated by the fact that the things I want are difficult to find in Puerto Rico, such as: a decent transwoman, or lad, or gg; it would also be difficult to structure the relationship I want...I'm polyamorous.

This has all left me feeling extremely lonely and hopeless and I find my days meaningless and ever so fleeting. There is nothing to them beyond staying in bed. Even when I write, which I do both as training for the profession I want and as a form of therapy, is not helping.

Every morning I wake up and wonder why all this continues. During the day I hope for death. And my nights are empty of any of the sympathy and warmth of a good woman next to me, and therefore spent pondering my loneliness. The only peace I find, if you can even call it that, is during sleep.

I can sense a shadow in me. A pain. A growing desire to harm myself, if not to take me life than at least to drive my mind away from focusing on my loneliness and instead focusing on something less painful like bodily harm.

I am stuck, stagnant. I have no release. I cannot even cry.

franalexes · #2 10-10-2010

Been there, done that.
quickest way out,,,,,,
go to church and get involved.
everything will come into place.

Enoch Root · #3 10-10-2010

Church? Not so good for me. There is nothing to do here. It is the typical suburb: static, soulless, boring. There is no sense of community. For reference listen to Rush's "Subdivisions."

This is all strange to me, being driven to this point emotionally. Its been there for a long time, just never quite like this. Frankly, I feel silly that feel the way I feel, but I am also terrified of the obvious possibilities in the future.

franalexes · #4 10-10-2010

wrong start again, right from the "get-go".
It might not be what is good for you, maybe it's good for THEM.
Time spent serving others is more rewarding than sitting on your ass waiting for the world to come to you.

ila · #5 10-10-2010

You need more help than this site can provide. Fran has one possible solution for you. You need to talk to someone that can really listen to you and help to guide you. Regardless of what you think of churches a priest will listen to you and his service is free.

Enoch Root · #6 10-10-2010

It feels as if there are sentences missing from your posts. I'm not really sure what you're trying to tell me.

Am I under attack here?

Enoch Root · #7 10-10-2010

I'm just looking for a bit of support.

Should I just delete the thread? Can I even do that?

mabedzaqueen · #8 10-11-2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enoch Root

For reference listen to Rush's "Subdivisions."

In my early twenties, long before I realized how much Freedom was important to me, music helped me a lot; not just listening to it, but also playing some of it... (Had the big chance of living in a house where there was a piano). I've never been talented, but relied on my "ears" and would spend evenings practicing until I was able to reproduce myself the beautiful melodies of my then-heroes (the Stones, the Who, the Beatles, the Kinks...) The thing is, it kept me busy and helped me appreciate this gift that life is, even though I was the skeleton-type no one wanted to be seen with...

**You didn't mention what music does for you; if it's just there to fill the silence or if it doesn't "play" with your emotions at all, then maybe disregard this post**

randolph · #9 10-11-2010

I would suggest that you don't need advice, what you need is understanding how your mind is deceiving you. The book titled "Now" by Eckhard Tolle is an excellent place to start. It is a compilation of much of the wisdom humans have compiled over the ages. It has worked for many people. Tolle is also on youtube but the book provides the insite that you need. Let the good person within you come forward and take control of your mind.

smc · #10 10-11-2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by randolph

I would suggest that you don't need advice, what you need is understanding how your mind is deceiving you. The book titled "Now" by Eckhard Tolle is an excellent place to start. It is a compilation of much of the wisdom humans have compiled over the ages. It has worked for many people. Tolle is also on youtube but the book provides the insite that you need. Let the good person within you come forward and take control of your mind.

Enoch Root, I would advise you to tread very lightly with any "self-help" guru such as Eckhart (the correct spelling) Tolle, especially one endorsed by the Queen of the Facile, Oprah Winfrey. You don't need to enrich Tolle further to figure out what to do.

JodieTs · #11 11-21-2010

How do you actually get to meet a transsexual woman?

Most Transsexual women meet partners who know our history.
Maybe they knew us before we transitioned.
Maybe they ?read? us
Maybe through work, where gossip outed us.
Though we mostly meet though trans friendly spaces:
be it a tg forum /chat room,
trans club/bar,
or from a group of friends and friends of friends...where the suitor had the heads-up on our past,
or they used to date a friend of ours who is also a Transsexual woman...
And so on.

My man said the easiest way to date a Transsexual woman, is to interact with us on trans boards.
Post on areas of common interest. Avoid sex topics.
See if you click.
Assess which Transsexual women are slightly deranged
and which are very deranged
(Accept that to a degree we are all bonkers)
And private message anyone you find interesting.
Later, suggest phone / social contact.
If later, things move on to friendship and then romance,cool.
My man wooed me for six months after our first meeting before I relented.

Oh, be prepared to put lots of time and ? or $:
Think flights, hotels, food, car rental
Because of our rarity, you will probably have to put a lot of effort into travel and resulting costs.
My man lives 1400 miles from me,
Yep, he had to go that far just to meet for an afternoon, to see if we would be friends. He combined the trip with some work stuff.

JodieTs · #12 11-21-2010

Which is all very interesting
but of no use to you at all.

Firstly, a person chasing us coz we are trans is not very positive for us.
We generally like to forget about all that stuff.

Also, most partners leave us after we have SRS.
That makes us ultra cautious both for casual social stuff through to potential full blown dating.

ok, stay with me...
Assuming that you meet one of more trans women,
and get on for more than the fact they have a penis
{fuck, don't mention that!}
and maybe wanna hang out.
WHAT CAN YOU BRING TO THE PARTY?
Most trans women would run a mile from you
based on your current state of mind.
Many of us have had deep psychological problems and a very high % of attempted suicides.
{The successful suicides don't date any more}

Your self description would have us all totally avoiding you
as to interact may well take us back to bad places.
We don't want to hang out with someone who may be suicidal;
it might trigger us as well!

Stop obsessing about trans.
If trans is the only fact applicable to you dating,
then you are obsessing.
And that is scary.
Sort yourself out first

Talk to your doctor, talk this through.
Ask to be referred to a psychiatrist.
Fix whatever needs fixing.

Dating anyone at all will not fix you.
Your doc can help.

There you go, not bad for constructive stuff on a trans sex forum.
Ok now, back on track...
Do you want to see a photo of my big erect penis?