Quote:
Originally Posted by crossingoceans
I don't know how to explain it. It's just that, everytime I see things related to transgenderism, or crossdressing. I just feel guilty with myself and, I wish I was 6 feet under.
I really like everything related to this world, but it's like I felt bad for liking this.
I used to crossdress, and I was also planning to undergo a sex change therapy. But a lot of difficult situations got in my way, including things with my family, who found out my plans. It caused me a lot problems. Things have changed, So do I, or at least that's what they think, to not hurt the ones surrounding me. I though that, by leaving all those things behind, I could make a change in my life for better, because I felt that I was betraying my parents and friends but, now, I think it was just stupid.
Everyday I wake up, I ask to myself "What if you would have decided to forget about those persons and pursue your dream?" To be honest I'm not happy, I can't even understand my purpose to stay alive, I just live for the heck of it, and for the hope of a better tomorrow.
I can't get it. Why I can't stay firm to my decision? Why I feel that I'm just under a smokescreen that I have made for myself to hide my truth?
I just think I'm betraying to myself but, I also feel that if I do it, that if I retake that way of life, I'll be betraying a lot of people, as well as a part of me.
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The most important thing in life is to be happy and it is clear you aren't going to be happy until you are free to express your true self. I'm sure you feel you are betraying people but if you spend your life doing what other people expect you are betraying yourself and that is much worse.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your needs and desires it is simply that society is by nature conformist and people will always take what appears to be the majority vote.
Wherever you are remember you are completely free to live your life as you want to. You may lose the respect of others but if they can't respect you for who you really are then they are not worth knowing.