[crossingoceans]

I don't know how to explain it. It's just that, everytime I see things related to transgenderism, or crossdressing. I just feel guilty with myself and, I wish I was 6 feet under.

I really like everything related to this world, but it's like I felt bad for liking this.

I used to crossdress, and I was also planning to undergo a sex change therapy. But a lot of difficult situations got in my way, including things with my family, who found out my plans. It caused me a lot problems. Things have changed, So do I, or at least that's what they think, to not hurt the ones surrounding me. I though that, by leaving all those things behind, I could make a change in my life for better, because I felt that I was betraying my parents and friends but, now, I think it was just stupid.

Everyday I wake up, I ask to myself "What if you would have decided to forget about those persons and pursue your dream?" To be honest I'm not happy, I can't even understand my purpose to stay alive, I just live for the heck of it, and for the hope of a better tomorrow.

I can't get it. Why I can't stay firm to my decision? Why I feel that I'm just under a smokescreen that I have made for myself to hide my truth?

I just think I'm betraying to myself but, I also feel that if I do it, that if I retake that way of life, I'll be betraying a lot of people, as well as a part of me.