I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I phoned the local builders today,
I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked
if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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