funny joke! [Archive] - Trans Ladyboy Forum

jimnaseum

10-18-2008, 10:46 AM

I don't know if you get Seinfeld down under, but there was an episode where Jerry had a chance at every guy's dream of getting not only his girlfriend, but his girlfriend's roomate in a threeway. He explained to George that if he had gone through with it he would have had to become "that guy" .....change the kind of clothes he wears, change his whole relationship with his parents, make new friends, get a whole new mindset. It was a joke, but that's my situation with transgenders. I like to dream about it, but it ain't me. If discretion is the better part of valor, then I want to avoid that impulse to rush to the aid of a girl in trouble. You don't know how much trouble some girls can get into.

ladyboyadmirer

10-21-2008, 02:19 PM

An Islamist was seated next to an Australian and a Brit on a flight from London to Sydney,
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie and Brit asked for a rum and Coke each, which was brought and placed before them.
The flight attendant then asked the Islamist if he would like a drink.
The Islamist replied in disgust,
'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Aussie and the Brit then handed their drinks back to the attendant and said,

'Hey lady, us too. We didn't know there was a choice.'

ThatOneGuy

10-21-2008, 04:40 PM

jimnaseum

10-23-2008, 10:31 PM

The first Gorgeous spring day fell on a friday and I was working the counter by myself because business was so light. A few really nice looking secretaries came in, thiough, and like every one was giving me the eye and that sly smile so hey, I smiled back. After about an hour my co-worker Paul came up to me and said "Hey Jim, you gotta big booger hangin outta your nose"

BlueRaven88

10-24-2008, 03:45 AM

jimnaseum

10-24-2008, 12:57 PM

The joke is you never really know anything. You're young. Enjoy.

rchriss69

10-26-2008, 03:45 AM

didnt really get the first joke :P had to read for an exp.

ladyboyadmirer

10-26-2008, 11:50 AM

didnt really get the first joke :P had to read for an exp.

Oh well, maybe you need glasses too Rchriss lol.
I have heard that joke written a bit differently where the father tells his young son if he constantly wanks, it will cause blindness. The next day the son comes down to breakfast and says...Hey dad, I was thinking...can I wank just a little bit and wear glasses :rolleyes: But I like that version from Hungcowboy just as much.
Rgds

ladyboyadmirer

10-26-2008, 12:08 PM

The manager of Liverpool Football Club sends his talent scouts out around the World looking
for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the Cup Final at Wembley. One of his
scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out
to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and
is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty
minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod
to go on.

The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins
the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first
day in English soccer.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we
were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the
fans, the players and the media, they all love me. Nothing will stop us going to Wembley"

"Great," says his Mum. "Now let me tell you about my day. Our car stereo was stolen and the car set alight. Your father got shot in the street by some British soldiers, your sister and I were mugged whilst shopping and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry?!?" says his Mum. "Is that all you've got to say?"

"It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

ila

10-26-2008, 12:49 PM

On his way to his bedroom Little Johnny hears grunting and groaning coming from his parent's room.
Little Johnny opens the door only to find his mom bent over the dresser with Dad taking her from behind.
Dad looks over at Little Johnny with a big grin and winks.
Little Johnny runs to his room.

The next day Little Johnny's dad hears moaning coming from Johnny's room.
Curious he opens the door only to find little Johnny taking Grandma from behind.
Little Johnny looks up at his dad and says " It's not so funny when it's your mom is it?".

ladyboyadmirer

10-26-2008, 04:33 PM

lemari_dela_tfemme

10-26-2008, 06:51 PM

3 Comrades at a desert islands, were boring... One said to the others, lets play Golf... One of them asked: "How to you play that? ". "Simple…" the first one replied, "with a bar, a ball and a hole..." and added "I put the bar", the 2nd stated "I put ball", and the one that asked, emphatically stated: "I do not play!!!"

throb50

11-05-2008, 11:55 PM

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and
there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to
his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! "

Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another...
--
Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often

smolderingtemptress

11-06-2008, 05:55 AM

A guy goes to Thailand for the first time.
Meet's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen
Take's her back to his room, and fuck's her really well.
Afterward's she's stroking his cock, on the bed!
He turn's to her and say's "You wanna go again?"
She say's no, I'm just admiring your cock, cos I miss my own!!!! :lol:

That is hilarious!

randolph

11-06-2008, 07:30 PM

Probably a little late for a talk.;):lol:

randolph

11-06-2008, 07:46 PM

Sorry guys.:lol::confused:

randolph

11-08-2008, 02:27 PM

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis and a brain.

BlueRaven88

11-10-2008, 03:12 AM

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis and a brain.

you'll notice i'm not laughing at that. it is derogetory to men and shemales alike. you are saying that just because we are born with a Y chromosone and increased testosterone, we are unable to think rationally and/or are incapable of intelligent thought trails? i pity you. i would tell you to go back to your nazi feminist party, but seeings as you are male you wouldn't fit in too well, though i here satan has a nice spot in hell reserved for people just like you.

ladyboyadmirer

11-16-2008, 08:05 AM

Johnny's little sister 'Sally' came home from school with a
smile on her face, and told her mother.

'Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,

'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked. 'Really small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No.....salty.'

Mum fainted!

ladyboyadmirer

12-04-2008, 02:23 AM

Interesting discovery :lol:

Dethklok

12-17-2008, 12:51 PM

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure! What about?" replied mother.

"Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I should own one."

"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.

"Could you buy me a push up bra?"

"No."

"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."

"Nope."

"I think it would be just proper at my age..."

"I said no way...!"

"But all of my friends wear.......!"

Johnny! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"

SusanMichelle

01-03-2009, 03:49 AM

What do you call a sheep on a pogo stick..... A wooly Jumper :P

hungcowboy

01-04-2009, 12:49 AM

day of thanksgiving, mom and dad have a fight:

the mom calls the husband a "bastard"

and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"

and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"

and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"

and then later billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"

So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"

His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"

and billy said "Dad, whats shit"

And then his dad says
"Well billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "

and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"

and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"

"Well billy fuck is a way cutting the turkey"

and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says

"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey

orion

01-12-2009, 12:19 PM

Confucius said ... "Man who go to bed with problem in hand .. wake up with solution on chest" ...

I'll get me' coat now .. shall I ? ... ;)

orion

01-12-2009, 12:23 PM

Why are all the cars in Liverpool fitted with "Rally" type steering wheels ? ...

So's the "scallies" can still drive 'em while wearing handcuffs ... :eek:

cambiadito

01-13-2009, 12:52 PM

Sorry I dont understand :eek:

orion

01-13-2009, 02:08 PM

Don't worry .. that's my fault .. it was posted for the benefit of someone who liked an earlier "Liverpool" joke ..

Liverpool is a large Port City in NW England .. with a bad (sometimes deserved) reputation for thieving ..

"Scallies" is the nick name given by Liverpuddlians to the local "Ne're do wells" (and is a shortening of "Scallywags") ... the kind of youths who steal cars to "joy ride" & then set fire to them .. they also have a reputation for attempting to escape once they've been arrested .. hence the Handcuffs ...

Rally driving tends to be a European Motorsport, involving timed trials over a variety of terrains .. the steering wheels of Rally cars are about half normal size, making the driver's job easier ..

Just put it down to "Brit" humour .. which sometimes doesn't translate easily .. ;)

ladyboyadmirer

01-14-2009, 09:37 AM

Don't worry .. that's my fault .. it was posted for the benefit of someone who liked an earlier "Liverpool" joke ..
Just put it down to "Brit" humour .. which sometimes doesn't translate easily .. ;)

Nicely explained Orion, I'll let you explain this one too ;)

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the
measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun, who had just moved to the UK, jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent, "My Dad is painting our new house with a two-inch
brush and my Mum says it will take da contagious".

( da cunt-ages )

triumph65

01-14-2009, 10:59 AM

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." :D

Ooops!! I've probably just isolated 50% of the board now... ;)

orion

01-14-2009, 12:17 PM

Nice one Admirer ..

Would it have been little Sean's Grandad whilst serving with an Anti-Aircraft Unit in WWII told his Sergeant that he had a "Fokker" caught in the beam of his search light ? ...

The Sergeant looked up & then said .. "No, Paddy .. that Fokker's a Messerschmitt"

And before anyone has a "pop" about Racism .. its not, as I'm of Anglo-Irish descent ... ;)

orion

01-14-2009, 12:20 PM

A White Horse walks into a Pub and orders a pint of "Best" ..

The Barman looks at him a bit oddly, then serves him .. after a few moments thought .. the Barman says ... "Here, we sell a Whisky named after you" ...

The Horse looks at him and says .. "Wot .. Eric" ?

The Conquistador

01-14-2009, 03:53 PM

Confucius say: Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok!

plymouth

01-14-2009, 07:01 PM

3 gay guys walk into a bathroom. one of them goes into a stall and notices cum floating on the water and says "ok, who farted". lol!

slippyslimm

01-16-2009, 06:49 AM

haha, thanks for sharing :)

orion

01-17-2009, 01:44 PM

ladyboyadmirer

01-18-2009, 12:03 AM

A Royal Navy sailor was being quizzed at a Court Martial as he'd been an accidental witness to three other sailors sharing the same bunk ...

The President of the Court Martial asked him .. "Now Signalman Jones .. did you notice any semen on the bunk or bedding" ?

The sailor promptly replied .. "Oh, no Sir .. just three Stokers" ...

Lol Orion......I heard about the Rear Admiral that got a little behind with his work and that the Rear Admiral is the most sought after job in the Greek navy. Rgds

ladyboyadmirer

01-18-2009, 12:07 AM

Why it's Important to Understand English

I had some Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window here at the local bank. It was a short line with just one guy in front of me . . an Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars and he was a little irritated .

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat aighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too."

ladyboyadmirer

01-18-2009, 12:12 AM

PIANIST

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man
reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,about one foot high and
sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a
small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag
once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of
the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he
pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub
it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of
smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one
wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is
filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch pianist?"

orion

01-18-2009, 05:36 AM

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of an unfinished building and he needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his mate on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said ... so he started to use sign language so the guy on the ground could understand him ...

First he pointed to his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), then moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw...

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood .. dropped his pants and started to jerk off...

The guy on the 3rd floor got really pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw" ..

The other guy replied, "Yeah .. I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming" ..

franalexes

01-19-2009, 07:07 AM

What do you call a T-gurl dressed in red, white and blue?
ans; a mailbox.

orion

01-19-2009, 11:40 AM

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,

"Well, tonight's the night we have sex" ..

And so they did ..

As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I'd known she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her" ..

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I'd known the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken my tights off" ...

orion

01-20-2009, 01:20 PM

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom ..

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightdress and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it ... Our lives may depend on it" ..

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,

"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt" ...

randolph

01-21-2009, 10:11 PM

Two guys were sitting at a bar chatting.
One said, "do you know how to give you wife an instant orgasm?"
"No how do you that"
"Take her hand in yours and look into her eyes and say, my dear, I know you are always right";)

hungcowboy

01-27-2009, 10:48 PM

so a woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and sits down, the guy next to her looks at her and says "where'd you get that pig?"

the woman says to him, "Thats not a pig"

the guy replies, "hell, i was talkin to the duck"

hungcowboy

01-27-2009, 10:52 PM

A guy and his wife are talking in bed after sex and shes playin with his balls.

The husband looks down at his wife and asks "Honey, why do you play with my balls after we fuck?"

the wife smiles and replies, "Because i miss mine so much"

franalexes

01-30-2009, 07:35 AM

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a
sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave
the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked
what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this. "First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

:lol:

smc

01-30-2009, 08:34 AM

My grandmother told me this joke when I was 13. She said I should know a good "dirty" joke.

Three women in their late 50s (okay, they're Jewish mothers) are lounging around the pool at a Miami Beach resort hotel. They have only just met. They are having afternoon cocktails. Inevitably, the conversation turns to their sons.

"My son," says the first mother, "what a boy. First he went to college, then he went to law school, and then he went to medical school. Now he's a lawyer and a doctor."

"That's nothing," says the second mother. "My son is so successful in business that not only does he own a beautiful condo on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, but he has a home in California and another in France."

"Feh!!" snorts the third mother. "My son is so well endowed that when his penis is fully erect, twelve birds can perch on it side by side without touching each other."

The other two women were most definitely impressed.

The conversation shifts, but the cocktails continue. Now the women are getting a little tipsy. Guilt begins to set in. So, the first one says, "Perhaps I was not quite right about my son. Okay, so maybe he could use a good lawyer, and maybe he's recently been to the doctor."

The second mother says, "I, too, have exaggerated a bit. I feel a bit guilty about it. Okay, so maybe my son lives near the Upper West Side. Maybe he's been to California. Maybe he dreams of visiting France."

Finally, it is the third mother's turn. "I, too, have embellished," she says. "So maybe his penis isn't quite so large. So maybe the twelfth bird has to stand on one leg."

fatbloke

01-30-2009, 08:37 AM

A couple are on the sofa engrossed in some really heavy french kissing,real tonsil tennis.All of a sudden,the girl pulls away."Damn"she says "I've just swallowed your chewing gum","No,it's ok" replies the guy "I just have a heavy cold"

randolph

02-27-2009, 02:05 PM

The Duck Hunter
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.':lol:

not2old

03-16-2009, 07:48 PM

OK, here's one that should offend most everybody.

Heaven is Where:
the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

simmo

03-17-2009, 12:34 AM

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

simmo

03-17-2009, 12:44 AM

[QUOTE=ila;46934]On his way to his bedroom Little Johnny hears grunting and groaning coming from his parent's room.

LMAO ........... just cracked me up ! Thks :lol::lol::lol:

simmo

03-17-2009, 05:19 PM

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in

As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

franalexes

03-17-2009, 06:23 PM

The old man was walking trough the city park when he came upon a small boy sitting on a bench, crying his eyes out.
" What's the matter ?" , the old man asked.
"I can't do what the big boys can do!" cried the boy.
The old man thought about it and then he sat down and started crying too.

Naked Freedom

04-03-2009, 06:15 PM

simmo

04-08-2009, 10:47 AM

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

simmo

04-23-2009, 02:44 AM

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world
and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more
women as our physicians and therapists, etc
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to
a just out of medical school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

The first thing she told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."

SilverSabre

04-23-2009, 06:49 AM

What is wet, round, long, hard, rubber coated and full of semen ?

- a submarine :p

SilverSabre

04-23-2009, 06:53 AM

3 Comrades at a desert islands, were boring... One said to the others, lets play Golf... One of them asked: "How to you play that? ". "Simple..." the first one replied, "with a bar, a ball and a hole..." and added "I put the bar", the 2nd stated "I put ball", and the one that asked, emphatically stated: "I do not play!!!" I' ve heard that joke about three Russian cops :D

simmo

04-28-2009, 11:16 PM

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he had a hat over his dick.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so f**king ugly it would lift itself."

simmo

04-28-2009, 11:22 PM

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping their coffee's in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

The Conquistador

04-29-2009, 02:18 AM

What did Mr. Spock find in the restroom?

The Captains Log.

amapornfreak

04-29-2009, 10:52 PM

lol nice one....I am aware of everything around me when im "busy" how did his mother close his door without him knowing XD

ladyboyadmirer

04-30-2009, 12:01 AM

What do you call nuts on a wall......walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chest...chestnuts. What do you call nuts on a chin..no not chin nuts...a damn good blow job :innocent:

ladyboyadmirer

04-30-2009, 12:03 AM

[QUOTE=simmo;78732]As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world
and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more
women as our physicians and therapists, etc
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

Nice one Simmo

ladyboyadmirer

04-30-2009, 12:05 AM

simmo

05-15-2009, 08:47 AM

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom" , he asked , "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet , " she replied. :lol::lol::lol:

uberandrew

05-15-2009, 02:25 PM

lol, if that was true i would be blind as a bat

prodigy32

05-15-2009, 08:20 PM

lol there are some really funny ones in here

violet lightning

05-16-2009, 11:33 PM

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is turning a bright orange color and I don't know what to do!"
The doctor tries to calm the guy down, and asks him if he has had contact with anything strange, or done anything differently than normal.
The guy says " I don't think so Doc, I got laid off last week, so all I've been doing is staying at home watching porn and eating Cheetos!

:D

violet lightning

05-16-2009, 11:47 PM

The "Sign Language" joke cracked me up, thanks! :lol:

Amoit

05-17-2009, 03:31 AM

need a whole lot more to make me laugh :)

violet lightning

05-17-2009, 10:29 AM

hey at least we're trying! This isn't exactly a joke forum....:)
Feel free to contribute something you think is really funny.

simmo

05-21-2009, 03:00 PM

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' :yes::yes::yes:

simmo

05-23-2009, 05:16 AM

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

ladyboyadmirer

05-26-2009, 09:15 AM

need a whole lot more to make me laugh :)

Ok Amoit, try this one.........

A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for months all of my hens seemed infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

simmo

06-03-2009, 07:12 AM

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky..

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

aa2239

06-03-2009, 11:48 AM

How to Save a marriage.

LMAO I love this one (sorry, the joke is on the attachment of the original post, not sure how to attach it here)

ladyboyadmirer

06-08-2009, 07:12 PM

In Memory of all those loved bosses!

A guy phones up his boss, but gets the boss's wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week", she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week",
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing, "Sorry, I just love hearing it..."

ladyboyadmirer

06-21-2009, 11:38 AM

Here's something for young and old, unless you suffer from Arachnophobia :eek:

http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/

simmo

06-25-2009, 11:59 AM

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are bloody freezing....'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one...?'

:lol::lol::lol:

Jenae LaTorque

07-18-2009, 07:36 PM

Little Maggie is in her backyard

Mr Baxter the next door neighbor leans over the fence.

Mr Baxter, "What are you doing there Little Maggie?"

Little Maggie, "Oh, I was digging a hole, Mr Baxter."

Mr Baxter, "Why were you digging a hole, Little Maggie?"

Little Maggie, "Oh, it was for my parakeet, Mr Baxter; it died."

Mr Baxter, "That's an awful big hole for a little parakeet, how come?"

Lil Maggie, "Cuz it's inside your fuckin' cat!"

MonkermanFTW

07-18-2009, 09:13 PM

The last line made me lol

simmo

07-20-2009, 05:04 AM

Swine Flu .........

The Big Bad Wolf snarled and said:

"I'll huff ...

and I'll puff ...

and I'll blow your house down!"

And the first little pig said:

"F**k off or I'll sneeze on you!"

:lol::lol::lol:

ladyboyadmirer

07-25-2009, 09:30 AM

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...One has a weak tikka and the other one is in a korma.

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

Asylum seekers in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

simmo

07-27-2009, 06:07 PM

These three little old ladies and their dogs were
sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation,
when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Marilyn immediately had a stroke.

Then Bev also had a stroke.

But Judy, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far.

:lol::lol::lol:

randolph

08-04-2009, 03:10 PM

Here are three shorties dedicated to Fran.

How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it. :yes:

Jenae LaTorque

08-06-2009, 01:34 AM

The things we laugh at.

I never thought much about it untill I read Heinlein's book Stranger In A Strange Land when I was in high school. In it, Valentine Michael Smith (the protaganist of the story) makes the observation that much of humor is based on the pain of others. Being human, I do laugh at most of it, but I have to admit that most of the hate humor just leaves me cold. I live in Wyoming and you maybe wouldn't believe the homophobic jokes I heard after the murder of Mathew Shepard. Not to mention the aftermath of the Bareback Mountain movie. Sometimes I wonder if we are progressing as a society. I compare the gentle humor of Will Rogers to the Sam Kennison types we see today and I worry some. I mourn the loss of our innocence,

anyway, heres my contribution to the thread.

Sally Was a Good Ole Girl

Smilin' Jimmy picked Sally up at the bar Thursday night and drove out of town about 5 miles to Lover's Lane.

"Fuck or walk" said Smilin' Jimmy.

" I'll walk," said Sally and so she did.

Come Friday night, Smilin' Jimmy picked Sally up again. This time he drove clear out to Makeout Mountain which is about 10 miles from town.

"Fuck or walk," said Smilin Jimmy.

"I'll walk," said Sally and off she went.

Saturday Night, big dance in town. After dancing most of the night with Sally, once again Jim and Sally left together. This time he drove her clear across the county line, a distance of some twenty five miles.

"Fuck or walk," says Smilin' Jimmy.

"Ok, let's fuck," say Sally with an air of resignation. And they did.

Afterwards with a satisfied smile on his face Jimmy asks, "Why did you finally go along, Sally?

"Well," she said, "I was willing to walk 5 miles, and I was willing to walk 10 miles."

"But," she continued, "after dancing all night, and my feet being tired,-----

---I'll be damned if I'll walk 25 miles...just to keep some sunny beach from catching the clap!"

sesame

08-06-2009, 09:33 AM

...
The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Marilyn immediately had a stroke.
Then Bev also had a stroke.
But Judy, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far.
Thats a good one. I had to wait three seconds for the funny detail to sink in. :p stroke as in... stroking the cock!!

"Fuck or walk," says Smilin' Jimmy.

"Ok, let's fuck," say Sally with an air of resignation. And they did.

Afterwards with a satisfied smile on his face Jimmy asks, "Why did you finally go along, Sally?
"Well," she said, "I was willing to walk 5 miles, and I was willing to walk 10 miles."
"But," she continued, "after dancing all night, and my feet being tired,-----I'll be damned if I'll walk 25 miles...just to keep some sunny beach from catching the clap!"All the time she was doing him a favour. :lol:
Clap: A common venereal disease caused by the bacterium Neisseria gonorrhoeae; :eek:

A really cool joke.:respect:

Jenae LaTorque

08-06-2009, 02:28 PM

Jenae LaTorque

08-07-2009, 02:21 AM

Oh, I am so sorry. You should have kept one eye closed while you were wacking off. The pics in the magazine weren't in stereo anyway.

ladyboyadmirer

08-07-2009, 04:23 AM

At first I didn't see why you felt the need to define "Clap", then I realized that it is a slang term and maybe not used in many parts of the world. I also realized that in the present day, the clap is not so bad when compared to the possibility of AIDS. I guess that kind of dated me there.:innocent: Ah, the good old days when the worst a fellow had to worry about was catching the clap or syphilis.

I've no idea if this is true but I was led to believe that the slang noun 'clap' is from Old French 'clapier' = brothel or whore house, fun house or whatever the local term is. Makes sense, I guess :rolleyes:
Rgds

simmo

08-07-2009, 05:57 AM

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Terry.

Poor Terry.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Terry quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up .....then all the other bells started to ring.

sesame

08-07-2009, 08:13 AM

*********
He bent over to pick it up .....then all the other bells started to ring.They were all gay except for Terry! Thanks for the biggest laugh I had this week!:lol:

Jenae LaTorque

08-07-2009, 10:20 AM

Two goldfish in a tank,one says to the other "Will you drive or will i"

Damn, I have looked at the joke sideways and upside down and...nothing!

Have tried differant meaning of the words tank and drive......nothing.

Anybody got an explanation for this one?

Meanwhile .............................

Mr. Turklebacher is in his back yard and looking over the fence he observes the neighbors little girl Maggie filling in a 3 foot hole.

"Whatcha doing there, little Maggie?" he asked.

With a tear in her eye, Little Maggie sniffed, "Oh, my goldfish died this morning, and I was giving him a proper burial."

Mr Turklebacher said, "Oh, I'm so sorry......... Ummmm............Isn't that an awful big hole for a little goldfish?

"Oh," said little Maggie, "That's because he's inside your f**king cat!!"

Maine Man

08-07-2009, 01:50 PM

Damn, I have looked at the joke sideways and upside down and...nothing!

Have tried differant meaning of the words tank and drive......nothing.

Anybody got an explanation for this one?

I think it has to do with the expression, 'drunk as a fish.'

sesame

08-07-2009, 04:29 PM

Two goldfish in a tank,one says to the other "Will you drive or will i"Perhaps he meant driving a Tank(an armored combat vehicle) as a mild joke? :rolleyes:

It tickles my imagination, but fails to evoke any laughter!
Or if seen from your "son of satan" standpoint, :p

Perhaps the two goldfishes were trying to decide who will fuck whom?

interal

08-07-2009, 04:33 PM

An article taken from the Washington Post titled "Best Comeback Line Ever".

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to [Lawrence] and he's just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn ... is it midnight already?'":lol:

ladyboyadmirer

08-10-2009, 12:38 PM

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic
devastates parts of Asia

-------------------------------------------------------------

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza
decimates Australian racing

-------------------------------------------------------------

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic
kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

-------------------------------------------------------------

It gets worse........

------------------------------------------------------------

next year......

-------------------------------------------------------------

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go
wrong? :eek:

Jenae LaTorque

08-10-2009, 02:13 PM

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
/////-------------\\\\\\

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go
wrong? :eek:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

:lol: Depends on if you are a pessamist and believer in trends. Or -- if you are a believer in Armegeddon/end of the world stuff, then this would be just one of a long list of calamities to come. Perhaps we are looking at the mutation of one of the many infections of the penis to where it becomes a world wide epidemic. :eek: :(

Ok so I googled this and found

2008 is the Year of the Rat
2009 is the Year of the Ox
2010 is the Year of the Tiger
2011 is the Year of the Hare (rabbit)
2012 is the Year of the Dragon
2013 is the Year of the Snake
2014 is the Year of the Horse
2015 is the Year of the Ram (sheep, goat)
2016 is the Year of the Monkey
2017 is the Year of the Rooster
2018 is the Year of the Dog
2019 is the Year of the Pig (Boar

Looks to me like you perhaps did a bit of manipulation to fit your data.

sesame

08-10-2009, 04:59 PM

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic
devastates parts of Asia

.....

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic
kills hundreds of pigs around the globe....

-------------------------------------------------------------

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go
wrong? :eek:That was bloody Brilliant!:respect:

ladyboyadmirer

08-11-2009, 09:59 AM

Subject: What Will He Be?

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them
in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one,
his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut
fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only
pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
proceeded to shove two Fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

interal

08-18-2009, 11:09 PM

Not a joke, but it made me laugh. Can't remember where it came from.

Latest International News

Two bored morgue attendants got the shock of their lives in Havana recently.

It seems they were playing chess late into their night shift. A corpse suddenly sat up, reached over and moved a bishop to Queen 7 establishing a checkmate. The brainy corpse then laid back down. Despite the efforts to revive it, it remained quite still.

In a magnanimous gesture the chess player, despite the fact there are no rules concerning a cadaver assisting with your game, decided the match a draw. Said his opponent of the corpse, "Sure he looked ugly, real ugly, but he sure looked like he knew what he was doing".

A candle light vigil was held for the anonymous stiff in honour of his brilliant strategy.
:)

johndowe

08-24-2009, 10:24 AM

Hi there.

Guy at surplus store sees this guy looking and looking but didn't seem to find waht he was looking for, as he is about to go to him to try to help him, he comes to him.

Looking nervously around as if to see if he was being followed, he asked the salesman: where are the explosives?

The salesman anseweres: Oh, em, isle C4.

The nervous guy goes there and looks and looks.

Another salesman comes up to his co worker and sais: I think that he's a terrorist, shouldn't we call the FBI or something?

The 1st salesman ansewers: no need he's a suicide bomber.

the second salesman sais: So if you're sure he's a suicide bomber why NOT call the FBI?

The first salesman ansewers: Because of 2 things first he IS a suicide bomber and we don't have explosives.

The second salesman sais: So, i still think we should call the FBI.

The first salesman anseweres: since he IS a suicide bomber and these guys are so stupid that he'll keep looking for the explosives untill he dies.

JohnDowe.

simmo

08-27-2009, 10:22 PM

> > 1. Two blondes walk into a building.........you'd think at least
> one of them would have seen it.
> >
> > 2. Phone answering machine message........"If you want to buy
> marijuana, press the hash key......"
> >
> > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
> shorts. The shrink says, "well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
> >
> > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> couldn't find any.
> >
> > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
> he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks
> are too high".
> >
> > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled
> him in.
> >
> > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
> know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
> >
> > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> >
> > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
> the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it.
> >
> > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
> covered with hundreds and thousands, Police say that he topped himself.
> >
> > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
> head. Doc say "I'll give you some cream to put on it".
> >
> > 12. "Doc I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home".
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".
> > "Is it common?"
> > "It's not unusual".

johndowe

08-28-2009, 11:55 AM

Hi there.

A plastic surgeon is at a convention, and is talking to a Russian plastic surgeon, talking about breast implants, the Russian doctor tells him that they insert the breast implants through the a** as to not leave scars, the doctor is not convinced and talks to another Russian plastic surgeon, and asks about breast implant and gets the same ansewer, he asks why the a**, the Russian doctor ansewers, in Russia we do everything through the a**.

JohnDowe.

randolph

08-28-2009, 01:56 PM

Mike was sitting at the bar. He ordered a drink and saw this beautiful woman sitting a few seats down. He smiles at her and she smiles back. When she was getting up from her seat to go talk to Mike another man walks up to her. Mike was caught off guard because the man wasn't a very good looking man at all. Suddenly the woman and the ugly man walked out of the bar together giggling.

The bartender brings Mike his drink. Frazzled he asked the bartender "Are those two regulars?"
The bartender looks at him and said "Well the girl is, but I have never seen the man before."
"Do you suppose their dating?"
"I don't think so, they came in at seperate times and didn't notice each other until now."
"Did you hear anything they said?" Mike asked
To which the bartender replies, "I didn't hear anything, but I did see him touch his ear with his tongue." :p

johndowe

08-30-2009, 03:55 PM

Hi there.

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference.

Don't know, don't care.

JohnDowe.

randolph

08-30-2009, 05:27 PM

There was an amazing heist of rare paintings at the Louvre. The robbers made their escape in a van. The police chased the escaping van for several blocks, when it suddenly stopped. The police grabbed the driver and asked him why he stopped.
He said, " I have no Monet for Degas to make de Van Goth"

simmo

08-31-2009, 02:31 PM

A Daddy's Phone Call

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

Jenae LaTorque

09-01-2009, 01:51 PM

Two men were out golfing. They were having a good day, and were really moving along the course. On the 12th hole, they see they are going to run into a couple of women.

These women were clearly terrible golfers. They were chipping their balls along, maybe 10 - 50 yards per shot. The two men were kind of irritated about having to follow such duffers, so one turns to the other and says, "Mike, why don't you go up there and ask them if we can play through."

Mike says sure, and starts down the fairway to speak to the women. Halfway there, he stops, and turns back.

"Mike! Why didn't you ask them if we could play through?"

"I couldn't. I got partway there, and I realized one was my wife, and the other one was my mistress!"

The other golfer chuckled. "OK, I'll go ask if we can play through."

So he goes down the fairway, gets about halfway to the women, stops, and hurries back.

"All right, why didn't YOU ask them?"

He hems and haws for a minute, turning a bright cherry red, and says sheepishly, "small world, isn't it."

Jenae LaTorque

09-01-2009, 02:05 PM

Three tgirl lovers died in a car wreck and all arrived together at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asked the first one, "How many t-girls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl lover 1: "Three."

St Peter: Fine, here are your 3 meter silver wings. You are now an angel.

St. Peter asked the second one, "How many Tgirls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl Lover 2: "At least fifty or more."

St. Peter: "Wonderful! Here are your 3 meter gold wings. You are an angel."

And St Peter asked the third one, "How many T-girls did you fuck in your lifetime?"

Tgirl Lover 3: "Well actually ...... none."

St Peter: "Well, here are your wings of 28 centimeters. You are a stupid chicken."

randolph

09-01-2009, 02:21 PM

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ..." said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" :lol::coupling:

smc

09-01-2009, 02:26 PM

Thanks to Randolph for supplying an increasingly rare pleasure ... a joke (see posting above) where you can't figure out the punch line before getting there.

johndowe

09-02-2009, 08:57 AM

Hi there.

Ther was this NICE, HEALTHY girl, and she had puppies on her t-shirt.

I couldn't resist and said: Nice puppies.

To this day, i'm still not sure what i meant by that...

JognDowe.

randolph

09-02-2009, 09:35 AM

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch." ;):lol:

johndowe

09-05-2009, 01:41 PM

Hi there.

Quel fruit est le meilleur a manger quand on est presse? Des peches.

A quel heure les bandits se couchent ils? towe, towe, towe.

(excuse my french, again)

JohnDowe.

johndowe

09-05-2009, 01:51 PM

Hi there.

Wayne Gretsky just finished his first book.

Next year he'll read another.

JohnDowe.

johndowe

09-06-2009, 02:13 AM

Hi there.

I had a near death experiance.

I was at heaven's gate and i saw two signs one was written men who's wife was the boss, and it had a looong line.

The other one was written men who were the boss, and there was only one man in line.

I asked the man what he did to be in this line, he said: My wife told me to wait for her here.

JohnDowe.

DSL

09-06-2009, 05:20 PM

Here is a good one

There is something looming... i came home from work today my wife told me to take her someplace expensive, so i took her to a gas station!.

johndowe

09-08-2009, 02:29 PM

Hi there.

Guy goes to brain fair.

Sees brains for sale.

Construction worker $2,000.

Electrician $2,500.

Lawyer $3,000.

Computer programmer $4,000.

Computer technician $5,000.

Electronic engineer $7,000.

Microprocessor designer $10,000.

then he goes to the famous people section.

Isaac Newton $100,000.

Mozart $120,000

Albert Einstein $450,000

Then through the last section women.

Housewife (no kids) $100,000

Hi society lady $120,000

Outraged the guy goes to the manager and asks him why women's brains were so much more expensive than men's especilally since housewive's work doesn't require much braon power.

The manager replies: You don't understand, the reason women's brains will alway be more expensive than men's is because they have NEVER been used.

JohnDowe.

johndowe

09-10-2009, 01:53 PM

Hi there.

A jedi was temporarily suspended from the jedi order for excessive use of the Force.

JohnDowe.

randolph

09-10-2009, 03:04 PM

A man was riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert, so the man turned to his camel.

When he tried to position himself to have sex with his camel, the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused and started running away again. So, he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said, "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you mister."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

johndowe

09-10-2009, 03:37 PM

Hi there.

Find a date on Twitter.

Hmmm, a date, from Twitter, wouldn't you expect them to be Twits?

Ok, NEVER been to Twitter, may go some day but anyway...

JohnDowe.

johndowe

09-10-2009, 11:38 PM

Hi there.

Doing business is like going to the bathroom, it ain't finished untill the paperwork's done.

JohnDowe.

randolph

09-11-2009, 10:32 AM

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a Catholic couple has a
fatal car accident.

The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate
waiting for St. Peter to admit them. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits waiting for two months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it and all. "What if it doesn't work
out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter finally returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"
he informs the couple. "You can get married in
Heaven."

"Great," says the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take me to find a LAWYER?" :lol:;)

DSL

09-12-2009, 06:26 PM

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

randolph

09-12-2009, 07:08 PM

The teacher asked her class to come up with a sentence that included religion, sex and royalty.
After some time little Johnny raised his hand.
Ok Johnny what have you come up with.
Johnny said;
Oh my god the duchess is pregnant. ;)

DSL

09-12-2009, 08:11 PM

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved.

The parents were at their wits end not knowing what to do about their sons' behavior. Then the mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys. He asked to see them individually.

The 8-year-old went to meet him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD? With that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming his door and hiding himself in his closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet saying, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in B I G trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

johndowe

09-13-2009, 12:09 AM

Hi there.

I remember when i was in school, i was taught the metric system and the smallest usable units.

The smallest usable unit of weight: The gram.

The smallest usable unit of volume: The Mililiter.

The smallest usable unit of distance: The Milimeter.

The smallest usable unit of intelligence: The Military.

JohnDowe.

Jenae LaTorque

09-13-2009, 01:04 AM

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.' The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'
__________________________________________________ ______________

The Conquistador

09-13-2009, 05:40 AM

2 gay guys were walking in the park when they saw a dog licking its penis.

The first gay guy says to his buddy,"I bet you wish you could do that huh?"

To which his friend replies,"I don't know. I'm afraid he might bite me!"

simmo

09-13-2009, 07:12 AM

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '." :lol::lol::lol:

Jenae LaTorque

09-13-2009, 08:46 AM

Wow, Haven't heard that inna must be 30 years.

The Conquistador

09-13-2009, 12:18 PM

How are blondes and turtles alike?

When they're on their back, they're fucked.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?

All you can eat under a buck.

randolph

09-13-2009, 12:27 PM

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes. ;)

Jenae LaTorque

09-13-2009, 01:32 PM

Two nuns were taking a bath together to save money in the poor nunnery.

One nun said, "Where's the soap?"

The other nun replied, "Yes, it does.".................................................. .....

............Later the two nuns were riding their bikes down a cobblestone road.

The other nun said, "I've never come this way before."...............................

.............Later, as they passed a graveyard on the way home that night, a vampire appeared.

"Quick," said the first nun, "Show him your cross." The second nun raged, "Look buster, we have had a long day and

we aren't in the mood to take any crap off of you."

johndowe

09-14-2009, 04:41 PM

Hi there.

A vampire had a night job at the blood bank.

But was fired for drinking on the job.

JohnDowe.

Bkinch

09-15-2009, 06:49 AM

a mom walks in a her son and sees him jacking off, so she closes the door without him knowing and sends her husband up.

he opens the door and says "Son if you dont stop doing that your gonna go blind!"

the son replies "Dad, im over here"

hahahaah:lol:

DSL

09-16-2009, 05:50 PM

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky... :lol:

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

DSL

09-16-2009, 05:57 PM

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Massachusetts is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Massachusetts!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??

Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 38" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Massachusetts!!!!

The Conquistador

09-16-2009, 06:15 PM

Two vampires are in a bar when the waiter asks them what they'd like to drink. The first vampire says, "I'll have some blood mixed with vodka." The second vampire says, "I'll just have some hot water please." Puzzled, his friend says, "Dude, we're vampires. We don't drink water." The second vampire pulls out a bloody tampon, dabs it in the water and replies with a grin, "I know. I'm making tea."

Jenae LaTorque

09-16-2009, 06:30 PM

Oh gross! Reminds me of biker "red wings"

Got a laugh out of DSL's "snow story". It could of been set in Wyoming except that here the wind blows, and fills your driveway in with a snowdrift 12 feet high.

The Conquistador

09-16-2009, 06:35 PM

Oh gross! Reminds me of biker "red wings"

What is that? I take it that it is not some kind of spicy chicken recipie...:(

The Conquistador

09-16-2009, 06:40 PM

Walking into the pub, Mike O'Malley said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

aw9725

09-16-2009, 11:33 PM

While not a "joke" per se, I thought many here would get a laugh or two out of this text entitled "Plain Facts for Old and Young" by John Harvey Kellogg, MD. Yes, that is the "Kellogg" of "Kellogg's Cereal." It was written in 1881 and while we may find it amusing today--people back then, sadly, took its advice quite seriously.

I was browsing through it and found sections on "Electricity" and "Sounding." So Kellogg was into "electrical play"! Who knew! I'll bet you won't think about "Corn Flakes" the same way ever again! :p

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/19924/19924-h/19924-h.htm

johndowe

09-17-2009, 06:13 PM

Hi there.

What are the 3 most popular GAY ISLAMIC organisations?

Alkeida, Hesbola & the Talliban. (Not sure about the spelling)

I wrote it as a JOKE, but i have never seen any of the leaders with a woman, they are alone in the desert for months and months without women, the ISLAMIC RELIGION says that anything not hetero sexual is evil and sick, so they hate themselves, and transpose that hate to all others and voila terrorists that want to save the world from sence, intelligence and tolerance, also when suicide bombers attack they usually kill a few of the ones they want to kill, but they also kill a lot of their own people, and i noticed that there are almost always a few women, but never children, so i believe that they also hate women, and do their best to also kill women, but no kids when they blow themselves up.

I cannot say for sure that they are gay, but it does explain pretty much everything, additionally, since the begining of terrorism, it (terrorism) has never accomplish any of their goals ever, the only thing that it does is kill people, a few of their enemies and a lot of their own people, NOTHING ELSE.

REMEMBER 9/11?

JohnDowe.

The Conquistador

09-17-2009, 06:50 PM

I remember reading a study somewhere that said that men who masturbate more often have healthier sperm because the sperm spends alot less time in the body and doesn't degrade as much compared to people who store up their loads.

The Conquistador

09-17-2009, 07:06 PM

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . . look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

johndowe

09-18-2009, 06:11 AM

Hi there.

Why did the banker always brought his dates into the vault?

He wanted to practice safe sex.

JohnDowe.

Jenae LaTorque

09-18-2009, 01:30 PM

My old Uncle Emory, who lives down in East Texas, has a nice little grapefruit farm near a collage. One day he heard a lot of giggling coming from the pond he has over by one of his orchards. He grabbed a bucket and headed over there. When he got over near there, he discovered a group of young ladies skinny-dipping in his pond. Upon seeing him, they all swam to the far end and remained mostly submerged. My uncle moseyed over to the pond and sat his bucket down and just stood there with a look of surprise.

One called out to him, "We are not coming out till you leave!"

He replied, "Oh. I am just an old fart, and not interested in that sort of thing!"

He continued, "........I am just here to feed the alligators."

That's my Uncle Em for ya.

aw9725

09-18-2009, 06:45 PM

If you are not a "Boilermaker," simply change the name to your "favorite" alma mater! Enjoy! :cool:

Q: Do you know why the Purdue University football team should change its name to the "Possums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do you call a Purdue player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: How many Purdue students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Two Purdue University fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking his penis like dogs do.
The first Purdue fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The second Purdue fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."
The first Purdue fan asks, "Why not?"
The second Purdue fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Purdue Boilermakers?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Purdue joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Purdue grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Purdue grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Purdue grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Purdue University library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q. What did the Purdue graduate say his first day on the job?
A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

johndowe

09-18-2009, 10:18 PM

Hi there.

127844

A little something from Bill Ward.

JohnDowe.

Jenae LaTorque

09-18-2009, 10:23 PM

Uncle Emory had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

When Uncle Emory got there he went up to the Sign in desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. Mr Emory Katz. And it says you want to want to see the doctor about impotence, right?" The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the my very embarrassed uncle.

Uncle Emory recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... But... I don't want the same doctor that botched yours!"

Jenae LaTorque

09-19-2009, 12:30 AM

Years ago my Uncle Emory was in the Army. The squad was on their first training exercises and were all sleeping out in pup tents with two men in each tent.
After the first night out, the squad was called into formation for muster the next morning. One soldier looked like hell; his eyes were bloodshot and he could hardly keep them open. It turned out that his tent mate snored so loudly that the man couldn't get any sleep.

After several remedies had been tried and all failed, the sergant decided that all the members of the squad would take turns sharing a tent with Bob, the awful snorer. And every day Bob's tent mate would look like hell from not getting any sleep.

The day after Uncle Emory's turn, he appeared at the morning muster looking bright eyed and rarin' to go, while it was Bob who looked like hell.

The segent asked him how this came to be. Uncle Emory explained that when they hit the sack the night before, he tucked Bob into his bedroll, patted his butt, and kissed him goodnight. Bob never closed his eyes for a second the whole night.

And of course Uncle Emory was promoted to corporal and squad leader right away.

Jenae LaTorque

09-19-2009, 12:50 AM

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by my Uncle Emory. Uncle Emory's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. Uncle Emory claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the Uncle Emory showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and although Uncle Emory was hesitant the whole way, finally Uncle Emory agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After Uncle Emory had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling Uncle Emory, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

Uncle Emory replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

DSL

09-20-2009, 06:40 PM

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.

randolph

09-21-2009, 03:32 PM

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie says:
'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!' :eek:;):lol:

Jenae LaTorque

09-21-2009, 08:59 PM

Well, heard a version of the newfie joke before but had never heard the term "newfie." So off to Google I goes and now I knows what de newfie iz. And who sez jokes izn't eddycational.

johndowe

09-22-2009, 12:51 AM

Hi there.

A Newfie, is a Newfoundleander, and some of them speak with a thick accent which is sometimes hard to understand, and people started to make fun of their accents, and then they went to say they were "less evolved" and hence the Newfie jokes, it is similar to blonde jokes.

JohnDowe.

Jenae LaTorque

09-22-2009, 03:01 AM

My Uncle Emory went golfing one day with his regular foursome except Dr. Mufflemire didn't show up. So it was just Uncle Em, Rabbi Hinkleman, and Bubba Brown, a local oilman. Just before the rabbi is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game".
The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.
She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget."
The guys think, "what a deal!'
The rabbi walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
Bubba walks up and says, "Don't listen to the rabbi: aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
Uncle Emory looks at both of them in disgust, walks over and picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."

Jenae LaTorque

09-22-2009, 03:33 AM

Now you remember my Uncle Emory Katz who has the grapefruit farm with the alligator pond on it? Well, every once in a while Emory gets an urge to go catfishing down in the Delta Country of Lousianna.
One Friday he loaded up his jon boat and hitched the trailer to his 1963 Studebaker truck and off he went to spend the weekend fishing.
After a successful week, he headed back only to be pulled over by a small town cop at the end of the bridge by Waterston. Now this big old boy informed my Uncle that he had clocked him doing 63 in a 55 mph zone. When Uncle Em asked him if he could pay the fine by check, the cop looked over the beat up old truck and boat and asked Emory if he had a job and if his check was any good.

Uncle Emory answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Uncle Em's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied my uncle.
"What did you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!", repeated Uncle Em.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Uncle Emory explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
My Uncle Emory Katz nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Jenae LaTorque

09-22-2009, 03:49 AM

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago as a young man, my Uncle Emory was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise Uncle Emory got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could Emory leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried.
'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for Uncle Emory, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
My Uncle Emory looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!'

johndowe

09-22-2009, 05:49 AM

Hi there.

Very good one.

Your uncle Em is quite the character, isn't he.

JohnDowe.

Jenae LaTorque

09-23-2009, 01:20 PM

Hi there.

Very good one.
Your uncle Em is quite the character, isn't he.
JohnDowe.

Yup! He sure is!

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Galveston, Texas. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried.

"No, I live on my Grapefruit Farm up in East Texas. I am down here visiting my daughter," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, Uncle Em dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life. After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

Uncle Emory replied...... "How did you know my name was Katz?"

The Conquistador

09-23-2009, 03:58 PM

A Jewish kid goes up to his dad and asks him,"Dad! Can I have 20 bucks?" The dad exclaims "20 bucks! I don't have 15 bucks! Where am I gonna 10 bucks??"

ila

09-23-2009, 10:28 PM

A polar bear walks into a bar and sits down. He says to the bartender "I'll have a scotch and..........soda."

The bartender says, "Why the long pause?"

The polar bear answers, "I don't know. I was born with them."

randolph

09-24-2009, 05:24 PM

Coyote Population

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the
tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta
Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta
Government and the Alberta Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you
understand our problem.

Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep.....they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter! :lol:

johndowe

09-25-2009, 07:29 AM

randolph

09-25-2009, 08:44 AM

Hi there.

About the castration of the wolfs, in the wolf pack only the alpha male mates, not the others, nature's way of enduring that only the strongest survive, so if they castrated all the wolves in the pack exept the alpha male, the problem would NOT be solved, great idea, don't you think?

JohnDowe.

Interesting point, your probably right. If the alpha male was castrated then a weaker male would take over. If this was done over time the pack may become extinct.

randolph

09-25-2009, 11:52 AM

Subject: apple

> Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
> store and play music.
>
>
>
> The iTiT will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker
> size. This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because
> women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and
> not listening to them.

:lol:;)

randolph

09-25-2009, 12:48 PM

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

DSL

09-26-2009, 08:02 PM

There was a young man in the Army who was so well- endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Army doctors and one Armey nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it."
They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems. The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

randolph

09-26-2009, 09:43 PM

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds. :lol:

Jenae LaTorque

09-27-2009, 03:55 PM

Many years ago when my Uncle Emory was a boy, he worked on a timber crew. After work, they often took a skinny dip in the lake to cool off. One day after their swim, while they were standing around waiting to dry off before putting on their clothes, they were surprised. A group of ladies from the Baptist Church Ladies Auxiliary had come upon them and all the guys quickly covered their privates as they run into the trees for cover. All...... except Emory who covered his face. Once they were in the woods, they all thought it was funny that he did so, and asked him why.

"Well," he said, "If I was to encounter one of these ladies in town, she wouldn't recognize me with my pants on while she is sure to recognize any of you."

But then as it turned out, one of the more adventurous ladies did recognize him later. But that is another story.....

Jenae LaTorque

09-27-2009, 04:06 PM

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when little Maggie stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

johndowe

10-01-2009, 12:07 PM

Hi there.

Not too long ago i was walkng on a commercial street nearby to where i live and saw all those cop cars and vans in front of this restaurant, there had to be at least 20, i was sure there was a massacre and maby even some dead cops, but when i got there i saw why the cops were there; free donuts.

Based on true events.

JohnDowe.

johndowe

10-05-2009, 01:08 PM

Hi there.

132211

132212

132213

132214

Yes i know, the third one is Stewie from family guy.

JohnDowe.

ladyboyadmirer

10-06-2009, 12:39 PM

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The sales clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou t twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'

She then asks: ' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ssunoooffabbitch offffff??

simmo

10-17-2009, 07:55 AM

Itchy bits

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the Groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.

A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

'How's that?'

'Well, it's a lot better actually, but... it's still there.'

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

'How's that?' he asks again more confident.

'That's wonderful! What did you do?'

'I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.'

Jenae LaTorque

10-17-2009, 07:45 PM

You need to show where your affections lie and go dressed as a streetwalker. Dare ya!

randolph

10-17-2009, 07:47 PM

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob". ;)

randolph

10-17-2009, 07:52 PM

You need to show where your affections lie and go dressed as a streetwalker. Dare ya!

How about this one? :lol:

suebone

10-18-2009, 10:48 AM

The Blonde on the shore

One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake she spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.
She cupped her hands together and shouted "how do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "You are on the other side!":lol:
sue b
(short& sweet):kiss:

randolph

10-18-2009, 12:24 PM

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to getmarried".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

DSL

10-18-2009, 04:01 PM

Q: Why couldn't the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl?
A: There was a restraining order.

suebone

10-18-2009, 07:03 PM

A brunette goes to the doctor,and says,"doctor I'm hurting all over my body."
"That's odd ",replied the doctor, " show me what you mean."
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain.
She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says "you're not a natural brunette are you?
"no I'm ablonde" she replies.
I thought so ...your finger is broken,replies the doctor.:lol:
sue b
(short&sweet)

randolph

10-18-2009, 07:23 PM

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Jenae LaTorque

10-18-2009, 10:07 PM

Funny joke there, Randolph! Been a few real situations around here like that, and you know how the story gets around in small towns. lol

randolph

10-19-2009, 08:06 PM

A successful litigation lawyer parked his brand-new Llamborghini in front of his office to show his colleagues. As he was getting out, a passing truck tore off the door! He grabbed his cellphone, dialed 911, and a cop was there in 3 minutes. When the cop arrived to ask questions, he couldn't get a word in as the lawyer was yelling wildly.

"I just picked up this Llamborghini an hour ago! No matter how good a repair job, the car will never be the same!"

When the legal beagle finally ran out of steam, the cop shook his head. "Man, you lawyers are materialistic bozos!", he said, "you're so focused on your car you didn't notice anything else?"

The lawyer jumped all around the car, frantically checking it."What?! There's even more damage to the car?! Where?! Where?!", he yelled.

The officer replied, "Notice anything missing?"

"What?! What?! Robbery too?!"

'Your left arm!"

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex?!" :lol:

aw9725

10-19-2009, 11:12 PM

At Indiana University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to drive to Indianapolis and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Bloomington until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Indianapolis to do some research at the library over the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?

Jenae LaTorque

10-20-2009, 04:37 AM

My uncle used to go to a deer hunting camp every fall over in East Texas. The guys would usually pair up and go out for the day. One evening Uncle Emory came in alone with a nice buck across his shoulders. While admiring the buck, one of the other hunters asked "Where's Cletus?" which was the fella who had went out with Emory.

"Oh, Cletus done had a heart attack and is laying up there dead as a doornail along the trail about 3 miles back" replied my Uncle.

"What!! You mean you left him there?" asked the man all excited.

"Well, it was kinda of a close call,"" replied Uncle Emory, "but I figured nobody would bother to steal his carcass."

Jenae LaTorque

10-20-2009, 04:42 AM

Legal terminology

A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove This to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"

randolph

10-20-2009, 07:47 AM

When a man marries, he gets sixteen wives-four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. :eek:

Alert! Microsoft computer program continues its reign of error.:frown:

johndowe

10-20-2009, 09:09 AM

Hi there.

Two hydrogen atoms were talking, one sais to the other:

I lost my electron.

Alarmed, the other asks:

Are you sure?

The first atom ansewers:

I'm positive.

JohnDowe.

johndowe

10-20-2009, 09:11 AM

When a man marries, he gets sixteen wives-four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. :eek:

Alert! Microsoft computer program continues its reign of error.:frown:

That's 17 by my count...

JohnDowe.

randolph

10-20-2009, 09:41 AM

A customer visiting a house of ill repute in Bangkok referred to the girl who trussed him up as "the Thai that binds"

"Two young women were strolling along Stuart street late one evening. They noticed two young men following them. One said, 'aren't you afraid those men are out after hours?' The other replied, 'I certainly hope so'"

Jenae LaTorque

10-20-2009, 11:39 AM

That's 17 by my count...

JohnDowe.

OMG You know what 17 wives means dontcha?

Seventeen Mother - In - Laws:frown::frown:

ila

10-20-2009, 04:55 PM

OMG You know what 17 wives means dontcha?
Seventeen Mother - In - Laws:frown::frown:

No, that would mean seventeen mothers-in-law.

randolph

10-20-2009, 05:08 PM

Posted: 28-JAN-09
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL?

A: Sir, we were able to save her!

Posted: 7-NOV-08
Q: What is the ideal weight for a MIL?

A: About 2.3lbs, including the urn.

Posted: 14-MAY-08
The clock fell off the wall. If it was a minute sooner, it would have hit my MIL. That clock was always slow!

Posted: 22-JUL-06
My MIL is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder!

Posted: 13-JUL-06
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my MIL." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Posted: 27-JAN-06
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".

Posted: 19-JUL-05
Q: What do you do if you miss your MIL??

A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: 24-MAR-05
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Posted: 11-FEB-05
Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered in concrete up to her shoulders?

A: Too little concrete!

Posted: 21-OCT-04
My FIL was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to my FIL's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back." My FIL replied, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Posted: 12-OCT-04
I wouldn't say that my MIL was ugly, but every time she puts on lipstick, it tries to crawl back into the tube.

Posted: 7-MAR-04
Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?

A: Take your foot off her head.

Posted: 1-NOV-03
Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?

A: Shoot her again.;)

Jenae LaTorque

10-20-2009, 09:46 PM

Yah, okie dokie, but one place I checked said the correct plural was DRAGONS !!

ila

10-20-2009, 09:59 PM

Yah, okie dokie, but one place I checked said the correct plural was DRAGONS !!

In that you would be correct. :)

randolph

10-20-2009, 10:07 PM

Barnes & Noble debuts Nook e-reader device.
Humm, I wonder what it looks like and how it works.;):lol:

suebone

10-20-2009, 10:20 PM

A Brunette,A Redhead and A Dumb Blonde.

An evil genie captured a brunette,a redhead and a dumb blonde and banished them all to the desert for a week. The genie allowed them each to bring one thing.
The brunette brought a canteen so she wouldn't die of thirst.
The redhead brought an umbrella so she could keep the sun off.
The dumb blonde brought a car door, so if it got too hot out, she could just roll down the window.:confused:
sue b
(short&sweet)

simmo

10-25-2009, 07:19 AM

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time
we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then
you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'

johndowe

10-25-2009, 12:54 PM

Hi there.

Ever forgot a good joke and it kills you that you can't remember, well that's what has been gnawing at me for the last few weeks and...

135753 135754 135755

135756 135757 135758

135759 135760 135761

135762 135763 135764

135765 135766 135767

JohnDowe.

johndowe

10-25-2009, 12:57 PM

Hi there.

135768 135769

This one is:

135770

What Seanchai wishes for.

JohnDowe.

suebone

10-26-2009, 02:33 PM

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster ?
A rooster says in the morning-cockll-doodlle-doooooo , while a blonde shouts,any-cock'll-dooooooo
sue b
(short&sweet:kiss:

suebone

10-29-2009, 05:48 PM

HI
my new joke;;;
Why was the blonde upset when she got her drivers license ?
Because she got a F in sex.:confused:
O by the way I have the F on my license and I'm not upset.:no:
sue b
(short&sweet)

randolph

10-29-2009, 06:01 PM

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.:yes:

simmo

10-29-2009, 10:27 PM

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle. I'm still a virgin'..

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ... God! I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed.'

Jenae LaTorque

10-30-2009, 11:13 AM

IRS agent, no doubt!

johndowe

10-30-2009, 01:13 PM

HI
my new joke;;;
Why was the blonde upset when she got her drivers license ?
Because she got a F in sex.:confused:
O by the way I have the F on my license and I'm not upset.:no:
sue b
(short&sweet)

Hi there.

Good for you!

JohnDowe.

randolph

10-31-2009, 03:37 PM

Subject: Halloween Costume Party.
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator.":rolleyes:

DSL

11-01-2009, 02:35 PM

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you find out your pregnant, and your mom is too.

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you go into the post office, come back out, get into your convertible and realize, hey I’ve never had a convertible.

You know you’ve had a bad when the cops pull you over for looking like a suspect on America’s most wanted.

You know you’ve had a bad day when you go to pick up your pay check from work and they hand you a bill.

You know you’ve had a bad when you go to church and the priest hands you a list of ins that God will forgive you for and ones he won’t.

You know you’ve had a bad day when you come home to a burning bag of shit on your front porch.

You know you've had a bad day when you find yourself standing
more then 10 minutes in an express checkout line. :lol:

You know you've had a bad day when you think your bra is on backwards
and come to find out its not.

simmo

11-02-2009, 02:31 AM

The Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your
groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to
remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Chicago Symphony.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
piss in your eye."

:lol::lol::lol:

dauls

11-05-2009, 01:06 AM

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

johndowe

11-05-2009, 03:16 AM

Hi there.

A young man was looking for an appartemrnt in NY, and had limited funds to allocate to the rental of the said appartement, so he looked and looked and when he found one that was good and not too pricey, to get an even lower price he told the landlord that there were mice in the area.

The landlord ansewered; there are no mice in the area the rats ate them all, with a knowing smile.

JohnDowe.

dauls

11-06-2009, 12:52 AM

After Guy Fawkes Night

A teacher in class on Nov 6th asks "I hope you all enjoyed the fireworks last night, what part of the evening did you like best Jane?" Jane replied "The Catherine Wheels and the sprinklers were my favourites." Susan butted in and said, "I liked the big bonfire and when the Guy Fawkes doll was thrown onto it." "Great" the teacher replied, "who else had fun last night?" Little Johnny put up his hand and the teacher pointed to Johnny. "Well Miss I liked it best when we stuck fireworks up a dog's arse and lit them." "Rectum, Johnny, rectum." "Rectum Miss? Fuckin' blew him to pieces!"

dauls

11-10-2009, 12:50 PM

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

In attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

To which Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
:lol:

simmo

11-12-2009, 05:12 AM

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

:lol::lol::lol:

randolph

11-12-2009, 10:50 AM

The Conquistador

11-12-2009, 09:52 PM

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
bear hunting.

He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and
shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned
around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was
my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul
you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered
and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the
black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another
tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was
my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to
death or we have "rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the
grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had
his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a
tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar
bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you
don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

DSL

11-13-2009, 03:26 AM

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTits will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

DSL

11-14-2009, 05:12 AM

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

simmo

11-14-2009, 05:20 AM

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The married man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The married man left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The married man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

:lol::lol::lol:

suebone

11-14-2009, 03:55 PM

New joke for you all;

Q. What is the best thing about a blow job ?:drool:

A. The five minutes of silence.

sue b :kiss:
(short&sweet)

Tbone

11-14-2009, 09:14 PM

There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 20km a day. One morning, he looked in the mirror to admire his body. He noticed that his body was sun-tanned all over, with the exception of his penis, which he decided to do something about.

That afternoon, he went to the beach, got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand - except for his old chap. Two old ladies came striding along the beach. Upon seeing the man's old fella sticking out of the sand, one of them began to move it around with her cane.

She remarked to the other "There really is no justice in the world".

The other lady said "What do you mean?"

The first old lady said "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I pleaded for it. When I was 50, I even paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was70, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild and my knees hurt too much to squat."
:lol:

randolph

11-18-2009, 09:44 PM

After the Honeymoon...

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''
:lol:

DSL

11-19-2009, 06:42 PM

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass!! blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I couldn't cook. :)

Jenae LaTorque

11-19-2009, 10:29 PM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty

The Conquistador

11-19-2009, 11:05 PM

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

dauls

11-19-2009, 11:26 PM

A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"OK," the 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year old what cereal he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' ass it won't be Coco Pops."

:lol:

suebone

11-20-2009, 12:53 PM

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours ?
SCROLL DOWN,----->

<----- SCROLL UP.

sue b:cool:

(short&sweet):kiss:

randolph

11-28-2009, 03:10 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than a buffalo . It means someone stole the tent.'

transjen

11-29-2009, 07:55 PM

A 17 yr old boy walks up to his dad who happens to be a minaster and says,
Dad u just got my drivers lic and i'd like to borrow the family car.
His dad replies
Well son i think you should improve on a few things like your grades and you haven't been reading the bible and your hair is to long
So his son walks away and comes back a few months later and says
I've been studing real hard and have brought up my grades and i've been reading my bible everynight so can i borrow the car?
His dad looks at him and says
Yes your grades have improved and i see you everynight reading the bible but your hair is still too long.
The son just smiles and says
Well dad in the bible Mosses had long hair as did King David and so did Jesus
The dad just looks at him and says
True but you are forgotting one thing, They all walked
:lol: Jerseygirl Jen

randolph

11-29-2009, 08:36 PM

Subject: 4 marriages

An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go" :lol:

suebone

12-01-2009, 08:59 PM

Q. How do you make holy water ?
A.Boil the hell out of it .:rolleyes:

sue b
(short$sweet):kiss:

randolph

12-03-2009, 09:19 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the cat and farted."
:lol: