View Full Version : funny joke!
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb NFBSK!"
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car
simmo
12-06-2009, 01:54 PM
A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won the Lotto?"
He says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," she replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now F** off!"
:lol::lol::lol:
Angrypostman push your keyboard aside before you read this so that you don't ruin another one.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on hertrips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife receivedthe following letter from the local Target
Dear Mrs. Smith,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
101 Things to do at Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
43. Two words: "Marco Polo."
44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.
55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."
59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.
71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag
72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"
73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes
74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices
75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane
76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)
77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight
79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.
80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.
81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section
82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.
83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.
84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.
85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.
86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"
87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.
88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught
89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.
90. Repeadeately say "The clowns are not eating me."
91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.
92. Rearrange items as you see fit.
93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.
94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs
95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)
96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)
97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.
98. Follow someone until they notice
99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial
100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.
101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.
simmo
12-11-2009, 07:19 AM
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times..
When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
:lol::lol::lol:
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the lderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely, yours
Little Johnny
Jenae LaTorque
12-11-2009, 11:32 PM
Dear Johnny,
Welcome to the real world you snot nosed brat. The reason the kid across the street got so many toys is because his old man feels guilty for molesting him everytime he comes home drunk. Meanwhile, there are many other kids around the world who don't even have a safe place to sleep, let alone enough food to eat or decent clothes to cover their sick disease-wracked bodies.
Now that you are a year older, it's about time that you realized that there really isn't no ME(Santa Claus); there ain't no Easter Bunny, tooth fairy, or pie-in-the-sky-when-you-die! What you see is what you get. You live, you die-that ain't no lie; what you do in the meanwhile is all that counts. So if you want to be an asshole, go ahead. Join the line of losers. Or you can learn to think for yourself, and figure out for yourself what it will take to make yourself a "good life". There are many "Truths" out there and some critical thinking will show you which are real and which are bullshit. So quit your bitchin' about imaginary shit and get with the program.
Stupid Actually Not There Asshole
P.S. Quit pickin on your sister. Instead of writing whiney letters, she signed up for some martial arts classes.
simmo
12-14-2009, 06:33 AM
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known......
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
:lol::lol::lol:
noble1337
12-14-2009, 06:49 AM
simmo changed my view on christmas forever :P.,,,
ladyboyadmirer
12-20-2009, 12:28 PM
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says 'how you doin?'
Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are bloody freezing....'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.
He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.
They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of just fuckin one...?'
randolph
12-20-2009, 04:14 PM
Early Dismissal
A "Little Johnny" story involving - guess who?
It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!!!!...."
simmo
01-01-2010, 05:47 AM
This seems a little daunting to start with but if you apply yourself you may find that it's not as difficult as you think.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.
Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack.
:lol::lol::lol:
Jenae LaTorque
01-02-2010, 11:56 AM
My uncle Emory has been known to have a drink now and then but he certainly isn't no drunk! One afternoon he was at the bar when him and another fella started discussing a possible sale of a tractor. After a time they decided to run out to the fella's farm to look at the tractor Uncle Emory was considering buying. Was no point in taking both outfits, so they hopped in the other guy's truck and off they went. After looking at the tractor and coming to an understanding, the old boy mentioned he was going catfishing that evening and bragged about what a sweet spot the hole was he had found. So off they went and had a hell of a good time as the fishin' was every bit as good as the guy said. The upshot of it was that Uncle Emory didn't get back to his 1947 Willys pickup until after midnight.
The next morning down in the coffee shop, where my Uncle always goes for breakfast, he bacame aware of some glares and frowns from a nearby table where the widow Brownston and several women church buddies were hashing over the latest gossip. Things were made clear when the Widow B made a rather loud comment about "some people being at the bar all night when it was stripper night" Once a month, the local bar would have some out of town strippers in for a night and the previous night was the night.
Uncle Emory didn't say a thing, but that evening he took his Willy's truck over and parked it in front of Widow Brownston's house where he left it all night until he picked it up around seven the next morning.
sesame
01-02-2010, 02:14 PM
but that evening he took his Willy's truck over and parked it in front of Widow Brownston's house where he left it all nightThat was a good one, Jenna!!:p
Simmo, excellent! "After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack"
simmo
01-10-2010, 08:32 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching '
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
:lol::lol::lol:
dauls
01-16-2010, 12:14 AM
Fondling In Bed
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
night, when the wife became aware that her husband was
touching her in a way he hadn?t in quite some time.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts,
touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his
hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her
stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first
one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His
gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped
abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
She whispered, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
He replied, "I found the remote."
simmo
01-17-2010, 07:48 AM
An Unhappy Husband is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.
Husband: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* *BANG*
Husband: ''Okay, done that. What next?''
:lol::lol::lol:
simmo
01-22-2010, 05:27 AM
A teacher at a TAFE College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
:lol::lol::lol:
rockabilly
01-26-2010, 04:47 PM
Why did the blonde put crackers down her panties ?
Because everything tastes better on a Ritz.
ladyboyadmirer
01-29-2010, 02:50 AM
A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND ?
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you ?'
'Nah', Jock replied, 'I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
The Conquistador
01-30-2010, 06:21 PM
What did Spock find when he went to the bathroom?
The Captain's Log
simmo
02-01-2010, 02:26 AM
A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again it manifests in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this bloke has no idea what he's talking about.
Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'
:lol::lol::lol:
randolph
02-06-2010, 01:33 PM
My Frog Doesn`t Work
on January 16th, 2001A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: `Oral Sex` frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee!! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody`s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, `I`ll take one.`
The man packaged the frog and said, `Just follow the instructions carefully.`
The girl nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.
Take a shower
Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
Slip into a very sexy teddy.
Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the from down `there`. She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, `If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.` So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, `I had some complaints earlier today. I`ll be right over. Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, `See, I`ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.` The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: `Listen to me! I`m only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!!
simmo
02-11-2010, 08:14 PM
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
-------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I phoned the local builders today,
I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there.
--------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked
if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
:lol::lol::lol:
simmo
02-23-2010, 06:43 AM
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence and was in our yard before we knew it.
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck Off', the Rottweiler ate her!
:lol::lol::lol:
simmo
03-01-2010, 05:50 AM
he; let's make this a great weekend
she: that's a fantastic idea
he: good, we'll see each other on monday then
:lol::lol::lol:
Tbone
03-25-2010, 08:06 PM
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.
Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
simmo
04-07-2010, 09:08 AM
Wedding Fairy:
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...
Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity
like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years
younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So, the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
:lol::lol::lol:
simmo
04-20-2010, 11:42 AM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
:lol::lol::lol:
simmo
05-20-2010, 11:32 AM
When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife
But after several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.
I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
though rare, my condition ' Donkey Doodle ', it could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
:lol::lol::lol:
ladyboyadmirer
05-29-2010, 02:46 PM
Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
************************************************** ********
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
************************************************** ********
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?' He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 'So, where were you all these years?' 'In prison,' he says. 'Why did they put you in prison?' He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.' 'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single?
************************************************** ********
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes.. Yes, I will!' The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?' He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty pm.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'haemorrhoids
tonywaits
05-30-2010, 09:07 AM
Three tgirl lovers died in a car wreck and all arrived together at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter asked the first one, "How many t-girls did you fuck in your life?"
Tgirl lover 1: "Three."
St Peter: Fine, here are your 3 meter silver wings. You are now an angel.
St. Peter asked the second one, "How many Tgirls did you fuck in your life?"
Tgirl Lover 2: "At least fifty or more."
St. Peter: "Wonderful! Here are your 3 meter gold wings. You are an angel."
And St Peter asked the third one, "How many T-girls did you fuck in your lifetime?"
Tgirl Lover 3: "Well actually ...... none."
St Peter: "Well, here are your wings of 28 centimeters. You are a stupid chicken."
That's hilarious. I love it. LMAO
GCharles
05-30-2010, 07:47 PM
Here's one, it's from Peter Kay's stand up. Sounds funnier live then typed but oh well:
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ?Guess? on it. I said, Thyroid problem?"
The Conquistador
06-09-2010, 04:06 PM
Did you hear about Germany's new strategy for the European economic crisis?
Invade France.
Did you hear about Germany's new strategy for the European economic crisis?
Invade France.
That reminds me of a great Top 10 list David Letterman had back in the days when his show was consistently funny. It was something like "Top 10 Things the French are Doing to Prepare for German Reunification." One thing on the list was this:
Printing up 50 million t-shirts that read, "Don't shoot. I'm a collaborator."
The Conquistador
06-09-2010, 04:32 PM
That reminds me of a great Top 10 list David Letterman had back in the days when his show was consistently funny. It was something like "Top 10 Things the French are Doing to Prepare for German Reunification." One thing on the list was this:
Printing up 50 million t-shirts that read, "Don't shoot. I'm a collaborator."
Hahahahaha!
randolph
06-09-2010, 04:43 PM
In a French quiz show, a contestant was asked what went around the Earth, Sun, Moon, Venus or Saturn. He didn't seem to know so the host asked the audience for a vote. The audience voted about evenly between the Sun and the Moon. Whew and I thought a lot of people in this country are stupid. I think the French probably outdid us on that one. :(
The Conquistador
06-09-2010, 04:47 PM
It's hard to believe that the french, of all people, have one of the most hardcore, awesome military groups ever; The French Foreign Legion. It just boggles the mind.
Natalie_J
06-09-2010, 04:53 PM
It's hard to believe that the french, of all people, have one of the most hardcore, awesome military groups ever; The French Foreign Legion. It just boggles the mind.
Although most of them aren't actually French - there's a hint in the name... :)
The Conquistador
06-09-2010, 04:56 PM
Although most of them aren't actually French - there's a hint in the name... :)
I know that. Only the officers are frogs.
It's hard to believe that the french, of all people, have one of the most hardcore, awesome military groups ever; The French Foreign Legion. It just boggles the mind.
Although most of them aren't actually French - there's a hint in the name... :)
I know that. Only the officers are frogs.
You would be amazed at how many French nationals have joined the FFL.
The Conquistador
06-09-2010, 05:04 PM
You would be amazed at how many French nationals have joined the FFL.
My bad. Perhaps I should have said only French nationals can rise to the ranks of officer.
Still, it is amazing that the french have a badass fighting force.
You would be amazed at how many French nationals have joined the FFL.
What's surprising about that? You would expect that people who think Jerry Lewis is so funny would also want to wear the FFL's ridiculous hats. :)
The Conquistador
06-09-2010, 05:09 PM
What's surprising about that? You would expect that people who think Jerry Lewis is so funny would also want to wear the FFL's ridiculous hats. :)
Kepi's are awesome, so are fez's and pith helmets and the picklehaube. Your dislike of kepi's I find rather odd but the whole Jerry Lewis thing? Totally on board with that.
What's surprising about that? You would expect that people who think Jerry Lewis is so funny would also want to wear the FFL's ridiculous hats. :)
Their berets are rather ridiculous looking.:innocent: The flap hangs down on the left side instead of the right. The colour is pretty decent though.
A rather obvious French Foreign Legion joke, since this is the joke thread:
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."
The Conquistador
06-10-2010, 12:48 PM
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks
'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks
'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
That is a truly great joke! :respect:
Titivilus
06-10-2010, 02:39 PM
Apologies if you've heard this one:
- What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
- The wheelchair.
Oh, and FYI, let's not forget that, prior to WWII, the French had THE greatest fighting force the world had ever seen. It was the period between the great wars that saw the destruction of said army, due to bean-counters. Oh, and Rommel/Guderian and Patton studied modern tank tactics written by, you guessed it, a French general.
The Conquistador
06-10-2010, 02:48 PM
Apologies if you've heard this one:
- What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
- The wheelchair.
Oh, and FYI, let's not forget that, prior to WWII, the French had THE greatest fighting force the world had ever seen. It was the period between the great wars that saw the destruction of said army, due to bean-counters. Oh, and Rommel/Guderian and Patton studied modern tank tactics written by, you guessed it, a French general.
That was then, this is now. Aside from Sarkozy and their recent actions fighting the Somali pirates, they still kinda suck.
Titivilus
06-10-2010, 04:01 PM
That was then, this is now. Aside from Sarkozy and their recent actions fighting the Somali pirates, they still kinda suck.
Well, I certainly won't argue that one. I just think it's important that people remember their history. Without it, there's no real context for understanding the present.
simmo
06-14-2010, 06:41 PM
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.
"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
:lol::lol::lol:
randolph
06-14-2010, 09:08 PM
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
These really work!!
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
franalexes
07-04-2010, 10:07 AM
How's your eyesight?
If you wear glasses, then you must have a problem with your vision. I'm curious how bad it might be. Is it so bad that you are legally blind?
If "NO" then you must be ILLEGALLY BLIND. :cool:
The Conquistador
07-06-2010, 12:38 PM
What do you call the useless skin that surrounds the vagina?
The woman.
The Conquistador
07-06-2010, 02:17 PM
TOP TEN AL GORE PICKUP LINES
10. ?I created the internet, and now I?m going to create making love to you.?
9. ?We?ll make sweet love until the compact fluorescent light bulb burns out? which is a long long time because they?re very efficient.?
8. ?The science is settled: I?m dead sexy.?
7. ?It would reduce your carbon footprint if you shared a room with me tonight.?
6. ?If you just watch this slideshow presentation, I think it makes it pretty clear and indisputable that we should totally do it.?
5. ?Lucky for you my lovemaking is a renewable resource.?
4. ?It?s not only my personality and mannerisms that are stiff.?
3. ?Carefully study your love making option, because I don?t want you to accidentally have sex with Pat Buchanan.?
2. ?The rumors are true: I am a robot ? The Sex Machine.?
And the number one Al Gore pickup line?
?Here?s an inconvenient truth: There?s only one of me to go around.?
What do you call the useless skin that surrounds the vagina?
The woman.
In my opinion, that's not even remotely funny.
The Conquistador
07-06-2010, 04:25 PM
In my opinion, that's not even remotely funny.
Fine then! How about this one?
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides t o put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would ... if I had a pussy."
^ Now that one is funny -- very funny!
simmo
07-29-2010, 09:31 AM
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice
up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite
her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband
says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.
:lol::lol::lol:
siamgirl
08-10-2010, 04:49 PM
Saw this in on a market stall
A White Horse walks into a Pub and orders a pint of "Best" ..
The Barman looks at him a bit oddly, then serves him .. after a few moments thought .. the Barman says ... "Here, we sell a Whisky named after you" ...
The Horse looks at him and says .. "Wot .. Eric" ?
Love this joke and hadn't heard/read it in ages.
ladyboyadmirer
08-18-2010, 11:08 AM
I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok
recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"
siamgirl
08-20-2010, 01:23 AM
A mechanic working at a prestigious motor-cycle agency was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I?m finished, it works just like new. So how come I make ?35,000 a year and you make ?1,000,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The renowned cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running!"
SluttyShemaleAnna
08-20-2010, 04:48 AM
What do you call the useless skin that surrounds the vagina?
The woman.
In my opinion, that's not even remotely funny.
No, but you know what is funny? Telling it to a room full of feminists then running away. It's like Benny Hill in reverse...
Personally I prefer "Why has there never been a woman on the moon? Cos it never needed cleaning"
johndowe
09-09-2010, 11:33 AM
Hi there.
A guy asks his new g/f whom he had sex only a few times with;
So what do you want tonight?
She ansewers: I want you to fuck my brains out!
He ansewered: So, it's skull fucking then...
JohnDowe.
franalexes
10-06-2010, 06:57 PM
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man. "
And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
The Conquistador
10-06-2010, 07:47 PM
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a weekand I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
johndowe
10-23-2010, 09:25 AM
Hi there.
A guy walks in a bar and anounces to the bar tender:
It's been proved scoentifacally that beer makes you smarter.
Unconvinced the bar tender ansewers "Right" sarcasticly.
The guy sais; "Well it made budwiser"
JohnDowe.
Tbone
10-23-2010, 03:05 PM
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
And she says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and your not getting your money back."
randolph
10-25-2010, 12:33 PM
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
johndowe
11-03-2010, 04:22 PM
Hi there.
I wanted to take a trip to spain, but chucked that idea when i learned that,
The rain in spain stays mainly in the plaine.
JohnDowe.
ladyboyadmirer
11-05-2010, 02:10 PM
I guess this is only funny for those familiar with the international alphabet code.
A rookie police officer spots a huge, drunken black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"There's a black bloke, seems pissed out of his brains, dancing on the roof of a car."
"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator.
"You know you have to use politically correct terminology these days"
"OK," he says. "Zulu?.Whisky?Tango....Sierra"
DCurious
11-06-2010, 06:36 AM
A penguin walks into a bar, hops up and asks the Bartender: "Has my dad been in tonight?"
The Bartender scratches his chin and says,"Not sure, what does he look like?"
randolph
11-07-2010, 10:38 AM
Hi there.
I wanted to take a trip to spain, but chucked that idea when i learned that,
The rain in spain stays mainly in the plaine.
JohnDowe.
I decided to go to France when I heard that the ants in France stay mainly on the plants.
johndowe
11-20-2010, 06:46 AM
Hi there.
There once was a sorceress that lived in a small castle, and it was rumored that she was evil and had done some evil deeds.
So a small army went to her castle and demanded her surrender or suffer the consequences.
She repied to their threat; YOU MEN ARE CHICKENS...
They laughed, until they started to change into chickens...
And for the nex few months she had chicken soup, roasted chicken, making the best of the situation.
When she was about to run out of chickens, another small army was pounding at her door,
threatening to ram down the door and to take her by force.
Tired of eating chicken, she replied; YOU GUYS ARE LAMBS...
As she expected they laughed for a little while until they started to become lambs.
And as before the sorceress had a lot to eat for the next few months, lamb chops, lamb burgers and many other lamb dishes.
She had run out of lambs and was a bit anoyed that she now only had vegetables that she grew in her garden to eat when a
third small army came a knocking to her door demanding her surrender, by now she knew the drill, and tought about what
to turn the men into, thinking about what she would like to eat, and ham and pork chops came to her and her mouth watered
at the tought, so she went to her tower and said: YOU MEN ARE ALL PIGS...
She felt the magic exude from her body and the men booed her and then started to make fun of her, BUT they did not transform,
and they rammed the door down and captured easily the magically drainned sorceress and brought her to town where she was
tried convicted and burned her at the stake.
The morale of this story is two folds, the sorceress was secluded from the world and was ignorant of it's workings and
subequently she didn't know what every (other) woman knows; MEN ARE PIGS.
I told the joke to a few women, thinking they would agree wholehartedly, but to my surprize they defended men.
JohnDowe.
......I told the joke to a few women, thinking they would agree wholehartedly, but to my surprize they defended men.
JohnDowe.
I can understand why. This is an inane sexist joke. Society no longer tolerates sexist jokes about women so why should sexist jokes about men be tolerated?
siamgirl
11-20-2010, 07:46 PM
I love this section and have giggled so much, thanks to all that have contributed. Here is my latest......
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat'', agreed to look after her neighbour?s male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me lady" he replied.
franalexes
11-27-2010, 10:27 AM
It is hunting season in Maine. A hunter got into the deep woods and got lost. After many hours he came to asmall clearing. A small cottage and outside was a witch stirring a large kettle with a long spoon. This wasn't your ordinary witch for this one was absolutly gorgeous!
The hunter approached her and asked what she was doing.
"I'm making a baby", sshe eplied.
"That's not how to make a baby . Let's go inside and I'll show you."
After the hunter was finished and "unloaded".;)
the witch asked," where's the baby?"
"Oh, the baby will be here in 9 months."
"NINE MONTHS ! What did you stop stirring for!"
johndowe
11-28-2010, 09:49 PM
I can understand why. This is an inane sexist joke. Society no longer tolerates sexist jokes about women so why should sexist jokes about men be tolerated?
Insanely sexist?
What are you talking about?
It is a bit sexist, yes, but i have seen (heard) MANY jokes that were WAY MORE SEXIST, and i WAS quoting (many) women.
You say society, but in effect it is women and their inability to take any criticism that do not tolerate any sexist jokes about women but sexist jokes against men are fine in their book.
I don't know about you, but I have delt with alot of women in many types of relationships and encounters and they have always shown themselves to be mean, petty, vindictive and take themselves way too seriously, and if there is a way to take a simple positive statement in a negative way they will find it.
In conclusion, it is a joke, it IS funny, and that should be the end of that.
Oh, Yeah, Why should sexist jokes against men be tolerated?
Because we aren't women, and we don't take everything in a tragic context.
JohnDowe.
franalexes
11-29-2010, 06:34 AM
.mostly less
... You say society, but in effect it is women and their inability to take any criticism that do not tolerate any sexist jokes about women but sexist jokes against men are fine in their book.
"All generalizations are dangerous, even this one." -- Alexandre Dumas
"All generalizations are false, including this one." -- Mark Twain
I don't know about you, but I have delt with alot of women in many types of relationships and encounters and they have always shown themselves to be mean, petty, vindictive and take themselves way too seriously, and if there is a way to take a simple positive statement in a negative way they will find it.
Where they that way when you first met them, or did it happen over time in these "relationship and encounters"? The answer will speak volumes.
randolph
11-29-2010, 10:40 AM
Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
franalexes
11-29-2010, 09:00 PM
The lady tells her doctor that she has a serious gas problem. Strange thing is, when it comes out it makes no sound and they don't smell.
Is that so, says the doctor. Well, let's complete the physical and check your ears. And he takes a cotton swab and cleans her ears, finds ear wax build up.
Now that I've fixed your hearing let's fix your sinuses...:rolleyes:
Insanely sexist?
What are you talking about?
I typed INANE, not insane. If you don't know what it means then look up the definition.
It is a bit sexist, yes, but i have seen (heard) MANY jokes that were WAY MORE SEXIST, and i WAS quoting (many) women.
You say society, but in effect it is women and their inability to take any criticism that do not tolerate any sexist jokes about women but sexist jokes against men are fine in their book.
I don't know about you, but I have delt with alot of women in many types of relationships and encounters and they have always shown themselves to be mean, petty, vindictive and take themselves way too seriously, and if there is a way to take a simple positive statement in a negative way they will find it.
In conclusion, it is a joke, it IS funny, and that should be the end of that.
In your opinion it is a joke and it?s funny. In my opinion it is not funny. Also if you go back and look at my reply you will see I was agreeing with the women you told the joke to that defended men.
Oh, Yeah, Why should sexist jokes against men be tolerated?
Because we aren't women, and we don't take everything in a tragic context.
JohnDowe.
Sexist jokes should not be tolerated regardless of who the intended target is.
ladyboyadmirer
12-08-2010, 09:33 AM
A sheep farmer was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only one sheep and the sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was supermodel Naomi Campbell.
That evening, the man brought Naomi to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Naomi and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Naomi batted her eyelashes, and blushing asked if there was anything she could do for him.
"Yes," he said, 'Could you please take that f****** dog for a walk?
siamgirl
12-30-2010, 12:49 PM
The Cat
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year?s Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from biting and scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab became deafening.
ladyboyadmirer
01-05-2011, 12:03 PM
The Cat
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from biting and scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
Nice one siamgirl :lol:
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, ?I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body?.
The officer then asks, ?Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night??
The man replies, ?My wife.
One of my students told me this joke earlier this week:
A girl named Mary went to a Christian school. It was pretty progressive; there was even a sex education class. One day, Mary was in the sex education class dozing off, because the hadn't gotten much sleep the night before.
The teacher called on her to answer the question, "What did Eve say after her and Adam had sex the first time?"
Mary didn't respond, and Jimmy -- the boy behind her -- poked her with a pencil.
OUCH!!!" Mary blurted out.
"Correct," said the teacher.
After a few minutes, Mary was nearly asleep again. The teacher called on her again.
"What did Eve say to Adam when she had her fifth child?"
Jimmy came to the rescue again, poking half-asleep Mary again with a pencil. Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you poke me one more time I'm going to break that thing in half."
"Correct," said the teacher.
franalexes
01-15-2011, 12:46 PM
An Englishman, Scot and an Irishman were talking about bars with free drinks.
Englishman:" We have a bar where after six drinks, you get one free."
Scotsman:" That's nothing great. We have a bar that serves a freed rink after evry 4th drink."
Irishman: " We got you all beat. At our bars you get free drinks right after walking in and after they decide you have had enough, they take you upstairs and you get laid."
Englishman:" Now did that ever really happen to you personally?"
Irishman: "Well, no. But it happened nine times to my sister."
... Irishman: "Well, no. But it happened nine times to my sister."
Well, since we're posting jokes involving Irishmen and sisters:
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.
So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
An Englishman, Scot and an Irishman were talking about bars with free drinks. ...
And since we're posting jokes about the Irish and drinking:
Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.
"I'd like to buy a bottle of Jameson", she tells O 'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."
"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle of Jameson into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"
An Englishman, Scot and an Irishman were talking about bars with free drinks. ...
And one more, to cover all three nationalities of Fran's inspiring post:
An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walked into a pub. Each ordered a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.
The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.
The Scot took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.
The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
randolph
01-15-2011, 03:56 PM
Dirty Laundry
A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." :blush:
mkkhopnao
01-21-2011, 11:21 AM
Im really sure lots of you are like jokes.
Why not share here your favorite jokes so others can know about it
Below is my favorite joke which is Needles Are Not Nice
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test"
Bob was very stupid, thinking his vital will be cut for a urine test
Thanks mate
dauls
01-21-2011, 10:16 PM
Daily Telegraph 17th Jan 2011:
A cat has been summoned to do jury service, even after his owners told the court he was "unable to speak and understand English".
Anna Esposito (the cat's owner), wrote to Suffolk Superior Crown Court in Boston, US, to explain that a mistake had been made, but a jury commissioner replied saying the cat, named Tabby Sal, "must attend" on March 23.
Mrs Esposito had included a letter from her vet confirming that the cat was "a domestic short-haired neutered feline".
Tabby Sal had been entered by Mrs Esposito under the 'pets' section of the last census. "When they ask him guilty or not guilty? What's he supposed to say - miaow?"
She said, "Sal is a member of the family so I listed him on the last Census form under pets but there has clearly been a mix-up."
A website for the US judicial system states that jurors are "not expected to speak perfect English".
187915
:lol:
^ Having myself been called to jury duty in Massachusetts, I can assure you that Sal will be no less qualified to sit in judgment of humans than some of the people I observed at the courthouse.
Of course, that probably goes for anywhere. :yes:
Our local media has had a f(el)ine time with this story. One lawyer said:
"I?m thinking he?ll probably get picked for a jury since jurors are often picked for their lack of opinion on anything. Then again, most cats are pretty opinionated."
franalexes
01-22-2011, 08:37 AM
What's more unlucky than dating a girl with paper tits?
Finding she also has a cardboard box.:rolleyes:
randolph
01-22-2011, 09:12 AM
What's more unlucky than dating a girl with paper tits?
Finding she also has a cardboard box.:rolleyes:
Have you seen "Lars and the real girl", very funny. :yes:
Have you seen "Lars and the real girl", very funny. :yes:
Don't you think "tragi-comic" is a more apt descriptor? It seems to call for some empathy.
randolph
01-22-2011, 09:45 AM
Don't you think "tragi-comic" is a more apt descriptor? It seems to call for some empathy.
True enough, the communities support for him was indeed heartwarming and having her elected to the school board was very funny. Also, it turned out not to be a tragedy after all. The love of the community brought him back to reality. A surprisingly good film.
ladyboyadmirer
01-22-2011, 10:07 AM
Surprise surprise!
Once upon a time, a guy struggling to decide what to wear to a costume party. Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
franalexes
01-23-2011, 07:33 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, ?I?m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.?
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
?I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It?s a very special watch.
It?s been in my family for six generations.? He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ?Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...?
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist?s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
? SHIT!? said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ..
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
My grandmother, who was probably not like the grandmothers of 99 percent of Forum members, told me this joke when I was 13 or 14 years old:
Working late one night, a mortician whose job it was to examine the dead bodies before they are sent off to be buried or cremated was examining Morty Adelman's body. Morty was scheduled to be cremated the next day. To his amazement, the mortician discovered that Morty had the biggest cock he'd ever seen. (My grandmother said pupik, the Yiddish word.)
The mortician thought to himself, "I can't send a specimen like this to be cremated. A cock like that must be saved for posterity." And so he used his tools to remove it carefully, stuffed it into his bag, and brought it home.
Later that night, he said to his wife, "Sweetheart, I have something to show you that you just won't believe." And he opened the bag.
"Oh my god!" screamed his wife. "Morty Adelman is dead!"
This one's for Fran:
One day, President Obama, bored with Michelle, was looking for a call girl. Disguising himself, he headed to a local lounge, where he found three: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
She replied, "$200."
He asked the brunette the same question. Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead. She replied, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way the public is being screwed, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."
randolph
01-23-2011, 11:57 PM
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences.
I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
ladyboyadmirer
01-25-2011, 09:37 AM
[QUOTE=dauls;172443]Daily Telegraph 17th Jan 2011:
It?s always very comforting to hear that all the ?civilised? and developed nations have their loonies in suchlike institutions.
A few years ago the BBC attempted to take the dwellers of the artificial ?Royston Cave,? Hertfordshire, England to court for not possessing a radio/television licence. The last inhabitants, according to local folklore, were in fact a group of 14th century Knight Templars, who were a religious and military group, often described as warrior monks, originally formed in around 1118 to to protect pilgrims to Jerusalem and the Holy Land.
Lots of red faces at the Beeb no doubt. Amen!
randolph
02-02-2011, 08:21 PM
RETIRE WHERE? Here are some of your choices:
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park,
but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to
know the difference, too.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida ( The Best ) where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
ladyboyadmirer
02-10-2011, 08:24 AM
Little Tommy
Tommy got kicked out of class today. His teacher asked him,
"Tommy, if I gave you ?20.00 and you gave ?5.00 to Amy,
?5.00 to Katie and ?5.00 to Mary, what would you have?"
Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left over for a burger and coke,"
was the wrong answer.
randolph
02-16-2011, 06:05 PM
A man calls his wife from the office and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada for a fishing trip with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a long weekend and this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I?ll swing by the house to pick my things up."
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..?
Being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks. Following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him and asks if he caught many fish.
?Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. ...By the way, you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.?
The wife replies, "No I didn?t, they're in your tackle box".
Never, never, NEVER try to outsmart a woman!!!
Enoch Root
02-16-2011, 06:34 PM
A man calls his wife from the office and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada for a fishing trip with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a long weekend and this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I’ll swing by the house to pick my things up."
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..”
Being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks. Following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him and asks if he caught many fish.
“Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. ...By the way, you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
The wife replies, "No I didn’t, they're in your tackle box".
Never, never, NEVER try to outsmart a woman!!!
It's funny because he's queer.
It's funny because he's queer.
Either you don't get the joke, or your comment is the most inexplicable -- and thus intriguing -- thing I've read this evening.
50? Fahrenheit (10? C)
? Californians shiver uncontrollably.
? Canadians plant gardens.
35? Fahrenheit (1.6? C)
? Italian Cars won't start
? Canadians drive with the windows down
32? Fahrenheit (0? C)
? American water freezes
? Canadian water gets thicker.
0? Fahrenheit (-17.9? C)
? New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
? Canadians have the last barbecue of the season.
-60? Fahrenheit (-51? C)
? Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
? Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9? Fahrenheit (-78.5? C)
? Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
? Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173? Fahrenheit (-114? C)
? Ethyl alcohol freezes.
? Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67? Fahrenheit (-273.15? C)
? Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
? Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
(And this last one is for shadows)
-500? Fahrenheit (-295? C)
? Hell freezes over.
? The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
...
(And this last one is for shadows)
-500? Fahrenheit (-295? C)
? Hell freezes over.
? The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
I scrolled down slowly, thinking that I would find exactly that!
I wonder, if one is a Leafs fan but also Jewish, does the fact that Jews don't believe in hell help or hurt the cause?
I scrolled down slowly, thinking that I would find exactly that!
I wonder, if one is a Leafs fan but also Jewish, does the fact that Jews don't believe in hell help or hurt the cause?
Would this be a religious or philosophical question? I've never been good at answering either topic.
randolph
02-16-2011, 08:34 PM
32? Fahrenheit (0? C)
? American water freezes
? Canadian water gets thicker.
Californians stop moving. :eek:
Would this be a religious or philosophical question? I've never been good at answering either topic.
Damned if I know.
But get a load of this, viz. your joke. It's the opening line of hockey column by Kevin Paul Dupont in today's Boston Globe:
"On a night cold enough for hell to freeze over, Phil Kessel scored twice."
That's Phil Kessel, ex-Bruin and member of the Toronto Maple Leafs, for those other than ila who don't know.
Damned if I know.
But get a load of this, viz. your joke. It's the opening line of hockey column by Kevin Paul Dupont in today's Boston Globe:
"On a night cold enough for hell to freeze over, Phil Kessel scored twice."
That's Phil Kessel, ex-Bruin and member of the Toronto Maple Leafs, for those other than ila who don't know.
There's got to be some kind of joke in there using Phil Kessel's last name, hell, and fire.
randolph
02-16-2011, 08:44 PM
I scrolled down slowly, thinking that I would find exactly that!
I wonder, if one is a Leafs fan but also Jewish, does the fact that Jews don't believe in hell help or hurt the cause?
I guess the Jewish fan could say (win a few/lose a few).
There's got to be some kind of joke in there using Phil Kessel's last name, hell, and fire.
Kessel's last name in its German meaning, my fellow deutschsprechend friend? ;)
Kessel's last name in its German meaning, my fellow deutschsprechend friend? ;)
Yes, most definitely.
Yes, most definitely.
I'm guessing you don't mean "sinkhole," since that would only describe the way Bruins fans see what our team has been put in by trading him and his 51 points (without the kind of front line you'd expect for someone that productive) away. ;)
Shouldn't this now move to the hockey thread? :blush:
I'm guessing you don't mean "sinkhole," since that would only describe the way Bruins fans see what our team has been put in by trading him and his 51 points (without the kind of front line you'd expect for someone that productive) away. ;)
Shouldn't this now move to the hockey thread? :blush:
Actually sinkhole works better than any joke that I can think of.
randolph
02-19-2011, 06:53 PM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car andwas pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through herpurse and was getting progressively more agitated.'What does it look like?' she finally asked.The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...
simmo
02-27-2011, 03:38 PM
Japanese Hotel Service . . .
A oversea's salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan . . .
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled
out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best
haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a
Service for Men, When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into
the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it
shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender manhood........
which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
:lol::lol::lol:
A professor at The University of Maine was giving a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions.
His students weren?t paying attention and so to make his lecture more memorable he decided to get the students to think a bit.
Looking at an especially attractive young woman he said to her ?Mary, do you know what your asshole is doing when you?re having an orgasm??
Without missing a beat Mary replied ?yes, he?s usually out moose hunting with his buddies.?
It took the remainder of the day for the laughter to subside.
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to
Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend
remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200
mph when it hit me square in the nuts."
"What does that have to do with your teeth?" asked the first.
"Well" he explained, "That was the first time in two years my
teeth didn't hurt."
siamgirl
06-20-2011, 04:44 PM
This had me in stitches
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ4zT7h8AiU&feature=related
Best wishes to all
ErosArtist
08-13-2011, 07:13 AM
A man dies and ascends to heaven where's he met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter says "you've lived your life as an example for all Christians. You shared the gospel at every opportunity, you never cheated on your wife, you never drank one drop of alcohol, and you only had sex for the purpose of procreation."
The man beamed.
"However," St. Peter continued, "there's one little problem."
"Oh?" the man replied.
"You were non-denominational," St. Peter said. The man looked confused. "We try to keep the denominations separated. Keeps the fights and name calling to to a minimum," the saint added with a sly wink. "The problem is, we don't know where to put you."
The man paused for a moment. Then he asked "can I choose?"
St. Peter wrinkled his brow in thought. Finally he said, "sure. No harm in that, I suppose."
St. Peter opened the gates and in they walked. They stood in a long hallway, with rows of doors as far as the eye could see.
"This is heaven?" the man thought.
St. Peter opened the first door. Inside, people were rolling on the floor, making guttural sounds and thrashing about.
"Evangelicals" St. Peter said.
The man shook his head. "Thanks, but not my style."
They moved to the next door. When St. Peter opened it, every person in the room was crowded together under the door frame.
The man looked to St. Peter. "Jehovah's Witnesses?" he asked.
"Let's move on" St. Peter said with a smirk.
St. Peter reached for the next door knob, then suddenly jerked his hand back. He shot a quick glance to the man, then placed his finger over his lips.
"Shhh," he said, motioning the man to follow.
The man grabbed the sleeve of St. Peter's robes. "Wait a minute," he said with a head nod back towards the door.
St. Peter leaned in close and whispered.
"Southern Baptists. They think they're the only ones here."
:lol:
TracyCoxx
08-21-2011, 11:45 AM
Anyone read xkcd?
Izegrim
11-28-2011, 12:40 PM
The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection, you should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some slimming pills
siamgirl
12-02-2011, 05:34 AM
Here is a corny joke to upset either everyone or nobody.
Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so I thought I would try this very old, but definitely Po.Co. one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a German, a North American, a South American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, an Ethiopian , a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Frenchman, a Dutchman, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Jew, a white man, a black man and an Asian went to a night club.....
When the bouncer said...
V
v
"Sorry, I can?t let you in without a Thai."
spandexm
11-13-2012, 08:50 AM
:lol: A tracker salesman is having a beer with a farmer on the porch when a three legged pig cuddels up next to the farmer.
"What's up with that pig?" The salesman asked. "And the missing leg?"
"This pig is a hero." The farmer says proudly. "Just last month a beam fell on me in the barn and he pulled me out."
"Did he losse his leg doing that?"
"Oh no." The farmer replied. "Last week while plowing a field I passed out from the heat and the pig brought me some water."
"But what about the missing leg?" The salesman demanded.
"Hey Mister you don't eat a hero all at once!" The farmer said.
Dhobi
11-14-2012, 06:52 AM
The doctor told the patient that he had a very bad dose of clap.
"But", said the man "I only masturbate."
"Yes", said the doctor "It is hand clap!" :lol:
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