funny joke!

[Jenae LaTorque]

Oh gross! Reminds me of biker "red wings"

Got a laugh out of DSL's "snow story". It could of been set in Wyoming except that here the wind blows, and fills your driveway in with a snowdrift 12 feet high.

[DSL]

There was a young man in the Army who was so well- endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Army doctors and one Armey nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it."
They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems. The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

[randolph]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

[Jenae LaTorque]

Many years ago when my Uncle Emory was a boy, he worked on a timber crew. After work, they often took a skinny dip in the lake to cool off. One day after their swim, while they were standing around waiting to dry off before putting on their clothes, they were surprised. A group of ladies from the Baptist Church Ladies Auxiliary had come upon them and all the guys quickly covered their privates as they run into the trees for cover. All...... except Emory who covered his face. Once they were in the woods, they all thought it was funny that he did so, and asked him why.

"Well," he said, "If I was to encounter one of these ladies in town, she wouldn't recognize me with my pants on while she is sure to recognize any of you."

But then as it turned out, one of the more adventurous ladies did recognize him later. But that is another story.....

[Jenae LaTorque]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when little Maggie stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

[johndowe]

Hi there.

Not too long ago i was walkng on a commercial street nearby to where i live and saw all those cop cars and vans in front of this restaurant, there had to be at least 20, i was sure there was a massacre and maby even some dead cops, but when i got there i saw why the cops were there; free donuts.

Based on true events.


JohnDowe.

[DSL]

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you find out your pregnant, and your mom is too.

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you go into the post office, come back out, get into your convertible and realize, hey I’ve never had a convertible.

You know you’ve had a bad when the cops pull you over for looking like a suspect on America’s most wanted.

You know you’ve had a bad day when you go to pick up your pay check from work and they hand you a bill.

You know you’ve had a bad when you go to church and the priest hands you a list of ins that God will forgive you for and ones he won’t.


You know you’ve had a bad day when you come home to a burning bag of shit on your front porch.

You know you've had a bad day when you find yourself standing
more then 10 minutes in an express checkout line.

You know you've had a bad day when you think your bra is on backwards
and come to find out its not.

[simmo]

The Duck Hunter



A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your
groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to
remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Chicago Symphony.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
piss in your eye."

[dauls]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

[johndowe]

Hi there.

A young man was looking for an appartemrnt in NY, and had limited funds to allocate to the rental of the said appartement, so he looked and looked and when he found one that was good and not too pricey, to get an even lower price he told the landlord that there were mice in the area.

The landlord ansewered; there are no mice in the area the rats ate them all, with a knowing smile.


JohnDowe.

[dauls]

After Guy Fawkes Night

A teacher in class on Nov 6th asks "I hope you all enjoyed the fireworks last night, what part of the evening did you like best Jane?" Jane replied "The Catherine Wheels and the sprinklers were my favourites." Susan butted in and said, "I liked the big bonfire and when the Guy Fawkes doll was thrown onto it." "Great" the teacher replied, "who else had fun last night?" Little Johnny put up his hand and the teacher pointed to Johnny. "Well Miss I liked it best when we stuck fireworks up a dog's arse and lit them." "Rectum, Johnny, rectum." "Rectum Miss? Fuckin' blew him to pieces!"

[DSL]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTits will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

[simmo]

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The married man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The married man left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The married man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[suebone]

New joke for you all;

Q. What is the best thing about a blow job ?

A. The five minutes of silence.

sue b
(short&sweet)

[Tbone]

There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 20km a day. One morning, he looked in the mirror to admire his body. He noticed that his body was sun-tanned all over, with the exception of his penis, which he decided to do something about.

That afternoon, he went to the beach, got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand - except for his old chap. Two old ladies came striding along the beach. Upon seeing the man's old fella sticking out of the sand, one of them began to move it around with her cane.

She remarked to the other "There really is no justice in the world".

The other lady said "What do you mean?"

The first old lady said "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I pleaded for it. When I was 50, I even paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was70, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild and my knees hurt too much to squat."

[randolph]

After the Honeymoon...

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''

[DSL]

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

[DSL]

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN


6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass!! blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I couldn't cook.

[Jenae LaTorque]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty

[The Conquistador]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

[dauls]

A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"OK," the 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year old what cereal he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' ass it won't be Coco Pops."

[suebone]

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours ?
SCROLL DOWN,----->












<----- SCROLL UP.







sue b

(short&sweet)

[randolph]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than a buffalo . It means someone stole the tent.'

[DSL]

just hangin around

[DSL]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb NFBSK!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car

[simmo]

A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won the Lotto?"
He says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," she replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now F** off!"

[ila]

Angrypostman push your keyboard aside before you read this so that you don't ruin another one.


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on hertrips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife receivedthe following letter from the local Target

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[DSL]

101 Things to do at Walmart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him &quotI need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible &quotsex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, &quotI think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to &quot10&quot.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, &quotHi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, &quotWho BUYS this shit, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, &quotWow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move &quotCaution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly &quottest" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, &quot...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell &quothello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, &quotWhy won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, &quotRed Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from &quotMission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a &quotValet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: &quotMarco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. &quotRe-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your &quotMadonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like &quotthe fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying &quotHow could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, &quotNo, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying &quotGood girl, good bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can &quotcatch" from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. &quothi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. &quothi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, &quotWould you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., &quotDo you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a &quottest drive."

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window &quotthe British are coming"

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing &quotI'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying &quotCan I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeadeately say &quotThe clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say &quotradioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.

[simmo]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times..

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[DSL]

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the lderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.


Sincerely, yours
Little Johnny

[Jenae LaTorque]

Dear Johnny,
Welcome to the real world you snot nosed brat. The reason the kid across the street got so many toys is because his old man feels guilty for molesting him everytime he comes home drunk. Meanwhile, there are many other kids around the world who don't even have a safe place to sleep, let alone enough food to eat or decent clothes to cover their sick disease-wracked bodies.
Now that you are a year older, it's about time that you realized that there really isn't no ME(Santa Claus); there ain't no Easter Bunny, tooth fairy, or pie-in-the-sky-when-you-die! What you see is what you get. You live, you die-that ain't no lie; what you do in the meanwhile is all that counts. So if you want to be an asshole, go ahead. Join the line of losers. Or you can learn to think for yourself, and figure out for yourself what it will take to make yourself a "good life". There are many "Truths" out there and some critical thinking will show you which are real and which are bullshit. So quit your bitchin' about imaginary shit and get with the program.

Stupid Actually Not There Asshole

P.S. Quit pickin on your sister. Instead of writing whiney letters, she signed up for some martial arts classes.

[simmo]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known......
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[noble1337]

simmo changed my view on christmas forever :P.,,,

[ladyboyadmirer]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are bloody freezing....'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of just fuckin one...?'

[DSL]

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!!!!...."

[simmo]

This seems a little daunting to start with but if you apply yourself you may find that it's not as difficult as you think.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack.

[Jenae LaTorque]

My uncle Emory has been known to have a drink now and then but he certainly isn't no drunk! One afternoon he was at the bar when him and another fella started discussing a possible sale of a tractor. After a time they decided to run out to the fella's farm to look at the tractor Uncle Emory was considering buying. Was no point in taking both outfits, so they hopped in the other guy's truck and off they went. After looking at the tractor and coming to an understanding, the old boy mentioned he was going catfishing that evening and bragged about what a sweet spot the hole was he had found. So off they went and had a hell of a good time as the fishin' was every bit as good as the guy said. The upshot of it was that Uncle Emory didn't get back to his 1947 Willys pickup until after midnight.

The next morning down in the coffee shop, where my Uncle always goes for breakfast, he bacame aware of some glares and frowns from a nearby table where the widow Brownston and several women church buddies were hashing over the latest gossip. Things were made clear when the Widow B made a rather loud comment about "some people being at the bar all night when it was stripper night" Once a month, the local bar would have some out of town strippers in for a night and the previous night was the night.

Uncle Emory didn't say a thing, but that evening he took his Willy's truck over and parked it in front of Widow Brownston's house where he left it all night until he picked it up around seven the next morning.

[sesame]

Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque

but that evening he took his Willy's truck over and parked it in front of Widow Brownston's house where he left it all night

That was a good one, Jenna!!

Simmo, excellent! "After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack"

[simmo]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching '

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[simmo]

he; let's make this a great weekend
she: that's a fantastic idea

he: good, we'll see each other on monday then

[Tbone]

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.

Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

[simmo]

Wedding Fairy:

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity
like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years
younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So, the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

[simmo]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[simmo]

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife
But after several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.
I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
though rare, my condition ' Donkey Doodle ', it could be fixed
through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[mkkhopnao]

Im really sure lots of you are like jokes.

Why not share here your favorite jokes so others can know about it

Below is my favorite joke which is Needles Are Not Nice

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test"

Bob was very stupid, thinking his vital will be cut for a urine test
Thanks mate

[dauls]

Daily Telegraph 17th Jan 2011:

A cat has been summoned to do jury service, even after his owners told the court he was "unable to speak and understand English".

Anna Esposito (the cat's owner), wrote to Suffolk Superior Crown Court in Boston, US, to explain that a mistake had been made, but a jury commissioner replied saying the cat, named Tabby Sal, "must attend" on March 23.

Mrs Esposito had included a letter from her vet confirming that the cat was "a domestic short-haired neutered feline".

Tabby Sal had been entered by Mrs Esposito under the 'pets' section of the last census. "When they ask him guilty or not guilty? What's he supposed to say - miaow?"

She said, "Sal is a member of the family so I listed him on the last Census form under pets but there has clearly been a mix-up."

A website for the US judicial system states that jurors are "not expected to speak perfect English".

Tabby_Sal_1805344c.jpg

[smc]

^ Having myself been called to jury duty in Massachusetts, I can assure you that Sal will be no less qualified to sit in judgment of humans than some of the people I observed at the courthouse.

Of course, that probably goes for anywhere.

Our local media has had a f(el)ine time with this story. One lawyer said:

"I?m thinking he?ll probably get picked for a jury since jurors are often picked for their lack of opinion on anything. Then again, most cats are pretty opinionated."

[franalexes]

What's more unlucky than dating a girl with paper tits?
Finding she also has a cardboard box.

[randolph]

Originally Posted by franalexes

What's more unlucky than dating a girl with paper tits?
Finding she also has a cardboard box.

Have you seen "Lars and the real girl", very funny.

[ladyboyadmirer]

[QUOTE=dauls;172443]Daily Telegraph 17th Jan 2011:

It?s always very comforting to hear that all the ?civilised? and developed nations have their loonies in suchlike institutions.

A few years ago the BBC attempted to take the dwellers of the artificial ?Royston Cave,? Hertfordshire, England to court for not possessing a radio/television licence. The last inhabitants, according to local folklore, were in fact a group of 14th century Knight Templars, who were a religious and military group, often described as warrior monks, originally formed in around 1118 to to protect pilgrims to Jerusalem and the Holy Land.

Lots of red faces at the Beeb no doubt. Amen!