funny joke!

[orion]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,

"Well, tonight's the night we have sex" ..

And so they did ..

As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I'd known she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her" ..

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I'd known the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken my tights off" ...

[orion]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom ..

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightdress and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it ... Our lives may depend on it" ..

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,

"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt" ...

[randolph]

Two guys were sitting at a bar chatting.
One said, "do you know how to give you wife an instant orgasm?"
"No how do you that"
"Take her hand in yours and look into her eyes and say, my dear, I know you are always right"

[hungcowboy]

so a woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and sits down, the guy next to her looks at her and says "where'd you get that pig?"

the woman says to him, "Thats not a pig"

the guy replies, "hell, i was talkin to the duck"

[hungcowboy]

A guy and his wife are talking in bed after sex and shes playin with his balls.

The husband looks down at his wife and asks "Honey, why do you play with my balls after we fuck?"

the wife smiles and replies, "Because i miss mine so much"

[franalexes]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a
sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave
the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked
what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this. "First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

[smc]

My grandmother told me this joke when I was 13. She said I should know a good "dirty" joke.

Three women in their late 50s (okay, they're Jewish mothers) are lounging around the pool at a Miami Beach resort hotel. They have only just met. They are having afternoon cocktails. Inevitably, the conversation turns to their sons.

"My son," says the first mother, "what a boy. First he went to college, then he went to law school, and then he went to medical school. Now he's a lawyer and a doctor."

"That's nothing," says the second mother. "My son is so successful in business that not only does he own a beautiful condo on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, but he has a home in California and another in France."

"Feh!!" snorts the third mother. "My son is so well endowed that when his penis is fully erect, twelve birds can perch on it side by side without touching each other."

The other two women were most definitely impressed.

The conversation shifts, but the cocktails continue. Now the women are getting a little tipsy. Guilt begins to set in. So, the first one says, "Perhaps I was not quite right about my son. Okay, so maybe he could use a good lawyer, and maybe he's recently been to the doctor."

The second mother says, "I, too, have exaggerated a bit. I feel a bit guilty about it. Okay, so maybe my son lives near the Upper West Side. Maybe he's been to California. Maybe he dreams of visiting France."

Finally, it is the third mother's turn. "I, too, have embellished," she says. "So maybe his penis isn't quite so large. So maybe the twelfth bird has to stand on one leg."

[fatbloke]

A couple are on the sofa engrossed in some really heavy french kissing,real tonsil tennis.All of a sudden,the girl pulls away."Damn"she says "I've just swallowed your chewing gum","No,it's ok" replies the guy "I just have a heavy cold"

[randolph]

The Duck Hunter
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

[not2old]

OK, here's one that should offend most everybody.

Heaven is Where:
the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

[simmo]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[simmo]

[QUOTE=ila;46934]On his way to his bedroom Little Johnny hears grunting and groaning coming from his parent's room.


LMAO ........... just cracked me up ! Thks

[simmo]

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in

As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[franalexes]

The old man was walking trough the city park when he came upon a small boy sitting on a bench, crying his eyes out.
" What's the matter ?" , the old man asked.
"I can't do what the big boys can do!" cried the boy.
The old man thought about it and then he sat down and started crying too.

[Naked Freedom]

Originally Posted by lemari_dela_tfemme

3 Comrades at a desert islands, were boring... One said to the others, lets play Golf... One of them asked: "How to you play that? ". "Simple…" the first one replied, "with a bar, a ball and a hole..." and added "I put the bar", the 2nd stated "I put ball", and the one that asked, emphatically stated: "I do not play!!!"

if i were the third person i would have surely offered the hole

[simmo]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

[simmo]

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world
and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more
women as our physicians and therapists, etc
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to
a just out of medical school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

The first thing she told me that I must stop masturbating.


I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."

[SilverSabre]

What is wet, round, long, hard, rubber coated and full of semen ?
























- a submarine

[SilverSabre]

Originally Posted by lemari_dela_tfemme

3 Comrades at a desert islands, were boring... One said to the others, lets play Golf... One of them asked: "How to you play that? ". "Simple..." the first one replied, "with a bar, a ball and a hole..." and added "I put the bar", the 2nd stated "I put ball", and the one that asked, emphatically stated: "I do not play!!!"

I' ve heard that joke about three Russian cops :D

[simmo]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he had a hat over his dick.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so f**king ugly it would lift itself."

[simmo]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping their coffee's in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[The Conquistador]

What did Mr. Spock find in the restroom?




















The Captains Log.

[amapornfreak]

lol nice one....I am aware of everything around me when im "busy" how did his mother close his door without him knowing XD

[ladyboyadmirer]

What do you call nuts on a wall......walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chest...chestnuts. What do you call nuts on a chin..no not chin nuts...a damn good blow job

[ladyboyadmirer]

[QUOTE=simmo;78732]As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world
and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more
women as our physicians and therapists, etc
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

Nice one Simmo

[ladyboyadmirer]

Originally Posted by franalexes

The old man was walking trough the city park when he came upon a small boy sitting on a bench, crying his eyes out.
" What's the matter ?" , the old man asked.
"I can't do what the big boys can do!" cried the boy.
The old man thought about it and then he sat down and started crying too.

Thats cute miss F

[simmo]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.



"Mom" , he asked , "Are these my brains?"





"Not yet , " she replied.

[uberandrew]

lol, if that was true i would be blind as a bat

[prodigy32]

lol there are some really funny ones in here

[violet lightning]

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is turning a bright orange color and I don't know what to do!"
The doctor tries to calm the guy down, and asks him if he has had contact with anything strange, or done anything differently than normal.
The guy says " I don't think so Doc, I got laid off last week, so all I've been doing is staying at home watching porn and eating Cheetos!

:D

[violet lightning]

The "Sign Language" joke cracked me up, thanks!

[Amoit]

need a whole lot more to make me laugh

[violet lightning]

hey at least we're trying! This isn't exactly a joke forum....
Feel free to contribute something you think is really funny.

[simmo]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

[simmo]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

[ladyboyadmirer]

Originally Posted by Amoit

need a whole lot more to make me laugh

Ok Amoit, try this one.........

A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for months all of my hens seemed infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[simmo]

IRISH SAUSAGES


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky..

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[aa2239]

Originally Posted by jimnaseum

How to Save a marriage.

LMAO I love this one (sorry, the joke is on the attachment of the original post, not sure how to attach it here)

[ladyboyadmirer]

In Memory of all those loved bosses!

A guy phones up his boss, but gets the boss's wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week", she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week",
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing, "Sorry, I just love hearing it..."

[ladyboyadmirer]

Here's something for young and old, unless you suffer from Arachnophobia



http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/

[simmo]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are bloody freezing....'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one...?'

[Jenae LaTorque]

Little Maggie is in her backyard

Mr Baxter the next door neighbor leans over the fence.

Mr Baxter, "What are you doing there Little Maggie?"

Little Maggie, "Oh, I was digging a hole, Mr Baxter."

Mr Baxter, "Why were you digging a hole, Little Maggie?"

Little Maggie, "Oh, it was for my parakeet, Mr Baxter; it died."

Mr Baxter, "That's an awful big hole for a little parakeet, how come?"

Lil Maggie, "Cuz it's inside your fuckin' cat!"

[MonkermanFTW]

The last line made me lol

[simmo]

Swine Flu .........

The Big Bad Wolf snarled and said:

"I'll huff ...

and I'll puff ...

and I'll blow your house down!"

And the first little pig said:

"F**k off or I'll sneeze on you!"

[ladyboyadmirer]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...One has a weak tikka and the other one is in a korma.

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

Asylum seekers in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

[simmo]

These three little old ladies and their dogs were
sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation,
when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.




Marilyn immediately had a stroke.



Then Bev also had a stroke.



But Judy, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far.

[randolph]

Here are three shorties dedicated to Fran.

How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it.

[Jenae LaTorque]

The things we laugh at.

I never thought much about it untill I read Heinlein's book Stranger In A Strange Land when I was in high school. In it, Valentine Michael Smith (the protaganist of the story) makes the observation that much of humor is based on the pain of others. Being human, I do laugh at most of it, but I have to admit that most of the hate humor just leaves me cold. I live in Wyoming and you maybe wouldn't believe the homophobic jokes I heard after the murder of Mathew Shepard. Not to mention the aftermath of the Bareback Mountain movie. Sometimes I wonder if we are progressing as a society. I compare the gentle humor of Will Rogers to the Sam Kennison types we see today and I worry some. I mourn the loss of our innocence,

anyway, heres my contribution to the thread.

Sally Was a Good Ole Girl

Smilin' Jimmy picked Sally up at the bar Thursday night and drove out of town about 5 miles to Lover's Lane.

"Fuck or walk" said Smilin' Jimmy.

" I'll walk," said Sally and so she did.

Come Friday night, Smilin' Jimmy picked Sally up again. This time he drove clear out to Makeout Mountain which is about 10 miles from town.

"Fuck or walk," said Smilin Jimmy.

"I'll walk," said Sally and off she went.

Saturday Night, big dance in town. After dancing most of the night with Sally, once again Jim and Sally left together. This time he drove her clear across the county line, a distance of some twenty five miles.

"Fuck or walk," says Smilin' Jimmy.

"Ok, let's fuck," say Sally with an air of resignation. And they did.

Afterwards with a satisfied smile on his face Jimmy asks, "Why did you finally go along, Sally?

"Well," she said, "I was willing to walk 5 miles, and I was willing to walk 10 miles."

"But," she continued, "after dancing all night, and my feet being tired,-----




---I'll be damned if I'll walk 25 miles...just to keep some sunny beach from catching the clap!"

[sesame]

Originally Posted by simmo

...
The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Marilyn immediately had a stroke.
Then Bev also had a stroke.
But Judy, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far.

Thats a good one. I had to wait three seconds for the funny detail to sink in. stroke as in... stroking the cock!!

Originally Posted by Jenae

"Fuck or walk," says Smilin' Jimmy.

"Ok, let's fuck," say Sally with an air of resignation. And they did.

Afterwards with a satisfied smile on his face Jimmy asks, "Why did you finally go along, Sally?
"Well," she said, "I was willing to walk 5 miles, and I was willing to walk 10 miles."
"But," she continued, "after dancing all night, and my feet being tired,-----I'll be damned if I'll walk 25 miles...just to keep some sunny beach from catching the clap!"

All the time she was doing him a favour.
Clap: A common venereal disease caused by the bacterium Neisseria gonorrhoeae;

A really cool joke.

[Jenae LaTorque]

At first I didn't see why you felt the need to define "Clap", then I realized that it is a slang term and maybe not used in many parts of the world. I also realized that in the present day, the clap is not so bad when compared to the possibility of AIDS. I guess that kind of dated me there. Ah, the good old days when the worst a fellow had to worry about was catching the clap or syphilis.