dream came true - now what

[Bionca]

Generosity perhaps.

I know I have dated guys who I knew were cowards, not worth my time, or obviously leading some double life where I'd become an embarassment to them. Not saying you are any of these things. Why did I go wih them?

1) I liked them for some reason
2) They needed something in their lives
3) I was feeling particularly nice not in a place where I wanted a relationship.

It is a good thing you are not leading this girl on and you are very lucky that the girl you date is braver than her guys.

[Bionca]

OK I read the last post over again and it's way bitchier sounding than I intended. Without knowing her, the potential that she just likes spending time with you can't be ruled out. Maybe since she's in school she doesn't really have time for something serious. Maybe she does want something serious and thinks that maybe you could eventually like her to the point that you can be serious.

What I feel could become a real problem is all of the omission happening in your life. Your girl doesn't know much about your life, your friends and family don't know much about this part of your life. I've see this happen alot with guys I've seen and mostly with guys my friends see. The end result is often much angst.

Here is a little story - A friend was dating a guy. She knew he was married, was a professional in a high profile position, that there was no chance of them becomming anything other than a part-time discrete affair. She didn't like it, but liked him enough that she was willing to do it. HE fell madly in love with her, he loved everything about her, he couldn't stop thinking about her.

The factors in his life got to the point where he had an emotional breakdown. He went from thinking of my friend as a little something on the side (with a bt extra) - a diversion and temporary at that, to wanting to spend every moment wih her. Because he couldn't reconcile these two parts he snapped.

So be careful with your feelings as well as hers.

[horizontal]

apart from the married bit - divorced but a family to wory about - what you describe is scarily close to where i am.

but if there is a difference, it is that i am telling her that she must in the end find a nice guy (she deserves nothing less) who can let her into his life without reservation- well i am hinting at this strongly.

angst - you said it

[Bionca]

I can easily sympathize with your situation, but it is very difficult to empathize. I am after all coming from the opposite side of this equation. I don;t think you know just how rare is it to find a nice guy who can et us into their lives. Lots of guys say they can, until it happens.

I think it will become important to keep a check of your feelings. Also, keep her feelings in mind as well. I know that the past 2(ish) years being single has lowered my expectations of guys to the point I'm surprised when I get treated with something like respect, and downright dismissive when shown something close to genuine attraction. I simply assume it's a ploy and will be revoked as soon as it becomes too hard or whatever. My fear is that I will become so jaded that I can't allow myself anything. I have seen it in other gals and I really hate it.

So keep your emotions clear - keep your gal in mind and be very clear with your intentions. If you can't be Prince Charming, at least be fair and honest.

[horizontal]

thanks bionca.

have now done exactly that. laid it out face to face, what was possible what was not, why it would be unfair in the long run etc etc.

cleared the air. offered to be fairy godfather as long as she wants, shoulder to cry on, adviser etc - agreed. promised not to pursue her or to be nosy but to be an uncritical sounding board when and if she wants

made it clear how much i liked her and respected her and above all didnt want her to get hurt and perhaps the longer the situation went unresolved, the more hurt she might be, so best to get it straight before it hurts too much, but boy did it hurt me doing it

but now its done. we had a great evening, me free of the double header - you know, the 'wow this girl is great, dont let it stop', contrasting the 'i am being unfair if she doesnt have the whole picture'.

so what now - well.....whatever! still talking, but without forked tongue, meeting up tomorrow - best thing i have ever done. i dont feel duplicitous, i dont feel i am using her, and i know she knows that.

wieght off my mind

[Talvenada]

Originally Posted by horizontal

apart from the married bit - divorced but a family to wory about - what you describe is scarily close to where i am.

but if there is a difference, it is that i am telling her that she must in the end find a nice guy (she deserves nothing less) who can let her into his life without reservation- well i am hinting at this strongly.

angst - you said it

HORIZ and BIONCA:

She knows and understands what you say, but she knows you're crazy about her. Sorry, there is no happy medium for either of you.

The battered spouse doesn't leave that relationship, the woman w/ a man who doesn't want the child/children she does doesn't leave, and a trans girl w/ a steady boyfriend doesn't leave.

BIONCA says one thing about her marine guy, but the advice she gravitated to was the have-a-talk-with-your-guy variety.

Point: she doesn't have a better offer, and those offers are few and far between. How many so-called bi-and-straight guys go completely open w/ having a trans gf?

There's what she wants, what she'll settle for, and what she hopes will happen w/ what she can do to get it.

Now that you can relax, because all of YOUR cards are on the table. I doubt that all of hers are. I've seen relationships that end badly where the guy puts all of HIS cards on the table.

Your situation in her eyes is that your friends, relatives and acquaintances are important to you, which you don't want to lose. That said, you are absolutely and totally gaga over her, and LOVE will happen by continuing to see each other, which she knows.

One little step here, one little step there.


Good luck,


TAL

[horizontal]

thanks...every opinion is helpful

gaga - no - too old and wise, well not completely gaga - gaga under control is probably the best way to put it!

she has put a lot of cards on the table but of course while i think i have the truth and nothing but the truth, i probably dont have the whole truth...yet

as you say, little by little, step by step!