The letter Fran shares is like my own story. I happened upon the forum of "Freebies," not even realizing there was anything else or even a general website called Transladyboy. I found some pictures and I shared some pictures. It was the same old thing, made interesting only by the fact that there were pictures I hadn't seen. I kept sharing some of my own because I thought that's what you do if you're going to be in an online community.
Then I took my eyes off the pictures for a moment and discovered that there was chat and some other parts to the forum. I began to read, and I found several posts where people were telling long stories about their own circumstances, confusion, etc. I consistently found Bionca's replies, and I began to realize that I had come to this place for a different reason. I began to compose my own tale of circumstances and confusion, trying to make it something that in sharing would both encourage people to answer with serious posts and also help anyone else who might read it and shared some of my same questions. The fact that I write for a living makes writing this take longer than it should, I suppose, and that is why I haven't yet posted it. I want it to be perfect, but I realize I must abandon that perspective.
Meanwhile, I wrote a note to Bionca to thank her for her posts. And I found myself, while continuing to look at picture and post them (especially in one thread I started), turning to the "exchanges and banter." What I had found was a community of people with whom I could be myself, even if I wasn't sure what "myself" was. Since then, I have ventured to interject my own thoughts into some of the discussions, especially about "real girls." I have taken the test Fran suggested, and (keeping all of Bionca's caveats firmly in mind), begun to learn some more about what drives me to want to be in this community and also to look at those pictures. Being here has also helped me understand why I had such a difficult time a few years ago when circumstances put me in a working group with several transgendered people, where I worked (over)hard to make it clear to them that I accepted them fully and where they mostly shunned me -- probably because in the way that I "accepted" them I actually did what they did not want to have done, which is make them "exceptions" in some way. If any of them are on this forum and can figure out who I am, I apologize for any discomfort I may have caused, unintentional as it was.
So, Fran, although I did not write this in a personal message to you, I hope you will revise your number to 18,998.
01-21-2009
The answer is within yourself.
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