advice on coming out

[JodieTs]

Originally Posted by aussiepride

other things i struggle with are that, i am attracted to girls only, or at least ones that look and act like girls (ts).
i have to out myself as gay to be with a person that only a straight person would be with anyway.....

Ok Aussiepride.
You have a huge perception issue with both yourself and the way you view attractive "women with a transsexual history"

Firstly, your underlined comment says to me that you see "women with a transsexual history", as basically men who mimic women but are not women and can never fully be women.
I've obviously got a huge issue with your inferred perception.

Next, your comment in italics says that being attracted to a "women with a transsexual history" means that you are a gay man. Well, that confirms my statement about your perception of us.........
Especially as those perceptions in some quarters of society,
result in "women with a transsexual history" being looked on, as out to trick men into {in your view} -gay male sex.
Which results in us getting assaulted and at times murdered.
and the guilty ones using that line as a plea bargain or defence and so avoid the responsibility of their actions.

I won't offer any further thoughts on your relationship dilemma;
we are too far apart in perception, to have any meaningful dialogue.

[Bionca]

I'm pretty openly trans.. I say "pretty" because I don't exactly announce it at the market or anything. OTOH, I don't deny it either and I'm fairly politically active. I'm living with my eldest brother, and he's quite used to correctly gendering me and using my name... but he slips and I can't fault him for that. I AM still his "baby brother" in the context of our past. I've taken by guy around to family functions (weddings and the like) and I get called my birth name - rarely "he" or "him", but by the name they knew me as. They love and support me mostly, but it's a thing.

One of my biggest problems is that guys who like trans women are pretty cowardly when faced with similar situations that I/we had to face. I didn't exactly have the option NOT to tell... well, I could have faked a death or cut all contact. But, realistically, no option to keep it a dirty little secret from the family. While I don't want my guy to tell my business to everyone he knows, I also want him to be prepared and supportive if I feel that I need to tell.

For my ex, that was a HUGE problem, and to maintain that relationship, I went fully stealth (I was young and he was pretty great until the end). It chapped me because there WAS pressure on me to be 110% feminine - any deviation in public or with his friends/family from socially perceived notions of womanhood got me a stern talking to and guilt trip. God forbid, I have a cold and cough in public... or sneeze... or mention that I used to wrestle in school and play in mud with trucks.

In short, I felt I had to lie by omission and live up to standards that non-trans women aren't held to. Just to protect my guy's ego, perceived heterosexuality (he was closeted bi), and family/friend relationships. All this happening while I was dealing with the fact that my own parents wanted nothing to do with me.

My advice is: Tell her you will take her lead on this. Tell her there is no shame in loving her. Tell her that you want her to feel safe, and won't disclose her status for her. Tell her you want her to feel comfortable, so you won't insist she keep her status a secret.

As far as the sex and relationship part... yeah... welcome to the reality that is NOT tranny porn.

I want to add that you even bringing this up and considering what is happening to her body and how it changes her social relationships in really complicated ways is a fantastic thing. Most guys have a vague idea that dating a trans woman is different than dating a cis woman... but the don't think beyond the bedroom how different, and frighteningly similar it really is.

[aussiepride]

Originally Posted by Bionca

I'm pretty openly trans.. I say "pretty" because I don't exactly announce it at the market or anything. OTOH, I don't deny it either and I'm fairly politically active. I'm living with my eldest brother, and he's quite used to correctly gendering me and using my name... but he slips and I can't fault him for that. I AM still his "baby brother" in the context of our past. I've taken by guy around to family functions (weddings and the like) and I get called my birth name - rarely "he" or "him", but by the name they knew me as. They love and support me mostly, but it's a thing.

One of my biggest problems is that guys who like trans women are pretty cowardly when faced with similar situations that I/we had to face. I didn't exactly have the option NOT to tell... well, I could have faked a death or cut all contact. But, realistically, no option to keep it a dirty little secret from the family. While I don't want my guy to tell my business to everyone he knows, I also want him to be prepared and supportive if I feel that I need to tell.

For my ex, that was a HUGE problem, and to maintain that relationship, I went fully stealth (I was young and he was pretty great until the end). It chapped me because there WAS pressure on me to be 110% feminine - any deviation in public or with his friends/family from socially perceived notions of womanhood got me a stern talking to and guilt trip. God forbid, I have a cold and cough in public... or sneeze... or mention that I used to wrestle in school and play in mud with trucks.

In short, I felt I had to lie by omission and live up to standards that non-trans women aren't held to. Just to protect my guy's ego, perceived heterosexuality (he was closeted bi), and family/friend relationships. All this happening while I was dealing with the fact that my own parents wanted nothing to do with me.

My advice is: Tell her you will take her lead on this. Tell her there is no shame in loving her. Tell her that you want her to feel safe, and won't disclose her status for her. Tell her you want her to feel comfortable, so you won't insist she keep her status a secret.

As far as the sex and relationship part... yeah... welcome to the reality that is NOT tranny porn.

I want to add that you even bringing this up and considering what is happening to her body and how it changes her social relationships in really complicated ways is a fantastic thing. Most guys have a vague idea that dating a trans woman is different than dating a cis woman... but the don't think beyond the bedroom how different, and frighteningly similar it really is.

thnx heaps for that bionca.
sometimes i wish i wasnt so in love with her so that i could think more clearly about things. I knew from the start that this was a big issue. unfortunately we never spoke about it or made rules until we got way too emotionally involved with each other. im 32, and i have only been attracted to and looked at ts as people i wanted to be with for the past 2 years. and until i met her i was only really interested in just dating or casually seeing a ts. She was different, i wanted to be with her forever. So in a sence, i have only had less than 12mnths of my 32 years to think about this issue of wanting to be with someone that society considers "taboo". Shes has always know she was a girl at heart and is rightly proud of the fact. I only hope that by the time i come to terms with things i have not lost her forever.

[aussiepride]

i told my brother today.

will soon tell the rest of my family.

i wasnt really nervous or anything