funny joke!

[johndowe]

Hi there.

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference.

Don't know, don't care.

JohnDowe.

[randolph]

There was an amazing heist of rare paintings at the Louvre. The robbers made their escape in a van. The police chased the escaping van for several blocks, when it suddenly stopped. The police grabbed the driver and asked him why he stopped.
He said, " I have no Monet for Degas to make de Van Goth"

[simmo]

A Daddy's Phone Call




**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**




**'Hello?'**





**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**






**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**





**After a brief pause,**






**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**





**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**




Brief Pause.








**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**








**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**







**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**







**'I did it, Daddy.'**








**'And what happened, honey?' **









'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**









**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**









**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**









**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**









**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**









**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**









*****Long Pause*****









*****Longer Pause*****









*****Even Longer Pause*****









**Then Daddy says,**









**'Swimming pool? ...........**









**Is this 486-5731?'*










**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

[Jenae LaTorque]

Two men were out golfing. They were having a good day, and were really moving along the course. On the 12th hole, they see they are going to run into a couple of women.

These women were clearly terrible golfers. They were chipping their balls along, maybe 10 - 50 yards per shot. The two men were kind of irritated about having to follow such duffers, so one turns to the other and says, "Mike, why don't you go up there and ask them if we can play through."

Mike says sure, and starts down the fairway to speak to the women. Halfway there, he stops, and turns back.

"Mike! Why didn't you ask them if we could play through?"

"I couldn't. I got partway there, and I realized one was my wife, and the other one was my mistress!"

The other golfer chuckled. "OK, I'll go ask if we can play through."

So he goes down the fairway, gets about halfway to the women, stops, and hurries back.

"All right, why didn't YOU ask them?"

He hems and haws for a minute, turning a bright cherry red, and says sheepishly, "small world, isn't it."

[Jenae LaTorque]

Three tgirl lovers died in a car wreck and all arrived together at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asked the first one, "How many t-girls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl lover 1: "Three."

St Peter: Fine, here are your 3 meter silver wings. You are now an angel.

St. Peter asked the second one, "How many Tgirls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl Lover 2: "At least fifty or more."

St. Peter: "Wonderful! Here are your 3 meter gold wings. You are an angel."

And St Peter asked the third one, "How many T-girls did you fuck in your lifetime?"

Tgirl Lover 3: "Well actually ...... none."

St Peter: "Well, here are your wings of 28 centimeters. You are a stupid chicken."

[randolph]

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ..." said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[smc]

Thanks to Randolph for supplying an increasingly rare pleasure ... a joke (see posting above) where you can't figure out the punch line before getting there.

[tonywaits]

Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque

Three tgirl lovers died in a car wreck and all arrived together at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asked the first one, "How many t-girls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl lover 1: "Three."

St Peter: Fine, here are your 3 meter silver wings. You are now an angel.

St. Peter asked the second one, "How many Tgirls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl Lover 2: "At least fifty or more."

St. Peter: "Wonderful! Here are your 3 meter gold wings. You are an angel."

And St Peter asked the third one, "How many T-girls did you fuck in your lifetime?"

Tgirl Lover 3: "Well actually ...... none."

St Peter: "Well, here are your wings of 28 centimeters. You are a stupid chicken."

That's hilarious. I love it. LMAO

[GCharles]

Here's one, it's from Peter Kay's stand up. Sounds funnier live then typed but oh well:

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ?Guess? on it. I said, Thyroid problem?"