what am I?

[urza]

I can never figure out exactly what or who I am. For as long as I can remember I've been fascinated with the idea of having the experience of being a girl. Even when I was very young this idea was extremely appealing from a curiosity perspective. When I started masturbating at age 10/11 it was first to the idea of becoming a woman. I have no idea where it was implanted in my mind to masturbate to this idea, it was just innate in some way. The idea of being a woman was a turn on to me.

Years later, I'm very much an admirer of t-girls but always imagine myself in the roll of being a woman. I'm very into transformation fiction, etc. I can get off to straight porn but always imagining myself as taking on the roll of the woman. I've never been attracted to a man in real life, but am often attracted to females and have had girlfriends though I must admit I've never really enjoyed sex with women and have a hard time ejaculating when having straight sex despite the fact that I physically and mentally am stimulated.

So where does that leave me? In some ways, I feel I have some transgendered qualities-- for a long time the idea of being a girl has attracted and fascinated me in some way, although it became more of a sexual fascination when I was older. At the same time, I never dressed and doubt I ever will and I'm very comfortable and ok with being a man. While I'm attracted to the idea of being a trans girl, I'm not particularly attracted to actual transgirls or to guys, just women.

I've never revealed my feelings to anyone ever.