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As to the question - every trans woman's relationship with her bits will eb different. Any attempt to explain anything in a general sense will be futile at best and very wrong most often. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I simply feel nothing between my legs. In the best case, it is as erotic as playing with my feet. There are nerves there, so sensation happens and it can feel good. But mostly its just annoying because I'm just not getting much sensation from it. the mental stimulation required for GOOD sex isn't there. Why? Because I never viewed that part of me as sexual. Part of my coping with my dysphoria was to simply disassociate myself from my penis. It is just not important. At worst, for me, touching it triggers an intense panic response. In my past, even pre-transition, topping made me feel disgusted to the point I could not maintain erection. It's like a thousand voices in my head screaming every time I have tried. Coupled with a overwhelming feeling that this is simply wrong on a deeply personal level. Does this mean it's off limits? No. Sometimes I like to use it - but I really have to trust my partner (or be amazingly horney). I don't feel that using a penis is inherently a "male act" and trans women who use it are no more or less women because they do. I also think lots of women who would normally be pretty neutral or even into topping avoid it simply because it's usually the only thing that guys want from us. It gets pretty old pretty fast.
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