[hankhavelock]

Hi Raistlin

Let me be the first to welcome you here, and rest assured that this truly is a very good, understanding and also diverse forum regarding trans*matters.

I guess it's fair to say that your history is far from unique in the sense that so many trans*people choose to remain closetted due to societal ignorance and lack of empathy toward transsexuality.

But I don't think it's too late at all for you. Let me tell you that I have a good chat-friend on a Danish trans*forum. She's a 70 year old trans*woman who transformed in her fifties after a long marriage. She is today politically active and, indeed, a joyful and pleasant soul.

I'm not myself transsexual but many of my friends are, so I do honestly think I to some degree can relate to your frustrations. I think I can also guarantee you that your urge to live according to your gender identification will never go away.

No need for any regrets - the choices you have made until now have for sure been made from you reasoning that coming out of the proverbial closet would be more painful than staying stealth.

But maybe a need for change! You may be able to fool the world but in the end you cannot fool yourself.

I do sympathize with your "passability" regrets. However, life is not merely a beauty-contest. As I view it this is about you living as the gender you truly are (aside from chromosomes, genitalia and minor details like that - in the end they matter very little compared to what's going on in your heart and mind) and then accepting the ups as well as the undisputable downs that a trans*hostile world imposes on us all.

Obviously, it is way above my pay grade to advice you in any direction. But I do hope that you can come to terms with your transsexuality as a full-timer or just sometimes as a crossdresser to get some relief that you so desperately and rightfully need.

So best of Danish luck to you and thanks for your deeply honest and touching introduction.

Peace!

Hank