10-04-2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Talvenada
MEL,
Thanks for deciphering my trying to clarify my question, while I was trying not to be unintentionally insultive.
Having something very remotely similar in my past, that is that I'm bisexual, while only acting on the hetero side. I also was turned off and not attracted to men until I was 21.
You traveled down that road. At what point from where you started to CD to where you are now did you become attracted to men? What was your first CD experience--like lipstick only?
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My first experience with a man was nine years old, when I was sexually abused by my babysitter. He would go on to abuse me almost twenty more times. My innocence was taken, and although damaged I found it strangely curious and exciting to be desired by a man, and to feel like a woman.
So my fascination was there right from the start, before my teenage years, and this might explain my bleak outlook. To me,there was always some darker side that could not be seen at a glance. That's heavy stuff for a 10-yr old kid.
While I did have gay encounters and knew I was bi, I didn't fully explore that part till deep in transition. My "CD" period was brief, lasting maybe a year and a half. I quickly shifted to hormones and life as a woman. There are many that choose to stop short of that, but for me it was all or nothing. That's why changing my name and becoming prominent in the community is important. There is nothing left of my former male life, it is an empty vacant building. I transferred it all over, but I understand for many they are heavily invested in their male identity.
It was never sexually-based. I was drawn to how I felt inside, the clothes were meaningless. Therein lies the difference between TS and CD. For TS it's about how we feel internally, and for CDs it's expression of their femininty through clothes and (often) acting out sexually.
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