Quote:
Originally Posted by aw9725
When I first became aware of my feelings I asked myself if I was somehow “turning gay.” I had been married for about 10 years at the time and I never had been attracted to another man. If you read my profile and other posts you’ll see I played football all through college. Been around guys my whole life--never had sex with one or been attracted to what could be called “male characteristics.” Over the last two years or so I have done a lot of reflection on whether or not there had ever been any guy I could say I had been attracted to. I actually did think of a friend from my dorm that was somewhat “feminine” in his behavior (he was from California--not “feminine” of itself but unusual at a mid-west school like Purdue, had very long blond hair, blue eyes, shaved his body and legs, wore shorts and tight t-shirts a lot, fan of the RHPS, very smart too--God I’m getting hot thinking about him…   ). What I remember is that most everyone in the dorm thought he was gay. I was probably his best friend and actually saved him from being thrown in the Wabash River by a few guys in our dorm that had it in for him. When you are a 6’4” defensive lineman that can bench over 500 for reps you can stop people from doing shit like that. Nuff said… 
Anyway, I have always been accepting of gays and lesbians and naturally wondered that about myself. I currently have many friends who are gay and going back to when I was in high-school I had friends who were bodybuilders who were gay. But no, I’ve never had “those” kind of feelings for another man. Not that I would think it was bad or wrong--as I’ve said, if the right person came along...
…An interview from years ago with Kelly Shore is one of the things that really helped me to put it all together and accept myself for who I am. The thoughtful posts of people like ila, Fran, smc, Bionca, Jodie, Hank H., and many others helped too. I think it’s entirely natural to wonder about these things--I hope we can continue to talk about them here and support each other.  |
I wrote that a couple of years ago as “aw9725.” My only sexual experiences have been with ciswomen but I am (obviously) attracted to transwomen as well and if I weren’t married I would be actively looking for a relationship. There have been many questions posted on this site about whether this attraction “makes you gay” or not (I personally don’t believe so—it’s not that simple—but all of us
do share an attraction to women with cocks) but I occasionally like to reflect on my own experiences growing up to see if there were ever any signs that I might have been attracted to another guy.
Anyway, I thought of another experience from the summer that I turned 12. There was a younger boy who lived down the street who used to really look up to me. He was 10 and now that I think about it, quite feminine although I didn’t really think about it a lot at the time. He was cute with long hair and freckles and much smaller than me. In fact the other kids used to call him a “f**” and a “girl” and stuff like that. Although not when I was around.
By 12 I was already over 6’ tall and had been lifting weights since I was around 8 or 9. I was always good at sports and had a dirt bike. Most people thought I was much older. What I remember is that this kid used to follow me around and somehow we became friends. I guess I felt “protective” of him and looking back realized I probably was attracted to him. Unlike me, he was not into contact sports or hard rock, or motorcycles but liked things like video games, pop music, shopping, and gardening. His mom drove us to the mall one time (the Somerset Collection in Troy, MI for those who are from around there). I never thought about much it until now but it seemed more like a “date” than hanging out with my guy friends. And he was very smart. Very “studious.” I always got good grades but couldn’t have cared less about studying or doing homework. (That would change when I got into graduate school however. LOL)
I taught him how to throw a baseball and shoot a basketball. And some basic stuff on how to defend himself. And I used to take him for rides on my dirt bike. He would sit on the back with his arms wrapped tight around me. His family was wealthy and his dad was always away on business. As was my dad much of the time. He used to come over to our house a lot. I remember one time that he came over to play videogames and my mom made us lunch. It was summer and he was wearing very short shorts. We were alone sitting close together on the couch and I remember getting a hard on. I had never had those kinds of feelings for another guy before and wasn’t sure what to do. At that time I had never even masturbated to orgasm let alone done anything else although I knew from Playboy, Penthouse, and my older guy friends about “sex.” But not much else. So nothing happened. But being around him I felt the way I did around girls. Also I wasn’t exactly sure how he felt. Maybe I was more like a “big brother” to him? I never told anyone about it. Besides we were only like 10 and 12!
After that summer we drifted apart. We remained friends through high-school where I became the “football star” while he found a place on the cross-country team (and set a school record). Both sports compete in the Fall and once during practice my senior year I remember seeing him wearing shorts and a cropped t-shirt and thinking he looked really “hot.” I know he came to some of my games and I always hoped he was watching when I scored a touchdown or made a tackle. But by then we were totally in different circles (high-school is like that sadly) and I had a girlfriend. We moved down here (Indiana) after I graduated from high-school and my friend and I lost contact. Like my dorm mate from college, I often think about him and wonder what might have been.
Incidentally these two friends were among the inspirations for the story "How I Met My Wife." A lot could have happened between college and now... what if somehow we were to run into each other?
Although my "future wife" in that story is almost 10 years younger!