I understand what you are going through. I went through something similar with Anna Alexandre. She was one of the first transsexuals that I had a “crush” on and it was only after a few years that I learned she had been killed in a car accident. Like you, I had often fantasized about Anna and also like you, felt some guilt after I learned she had passed away. But mostly I felt overwhelming sadness over her death and the loss of a beautiful human being. Eventually I decided that the best way to deal with my feelings was to learn as much as I could about Anna and be glad that this wonderful person had touched my life as she did, I’m sure, for many others. When I think about Anna now I celebrate her life not her death.
You might also want to learn about ways to become more involved in the LGBT community. Specifically, activities that promote public awareness of the particularly malicious forms of discrimination and violence transgender people are subjected to. Next November, if there is a Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony near you, take the opportunity to go—in the meantime use the Internet or ask questions of members of this forum to learn more about some of the issues facing the LGBT community and ways you could help. Unfortunately, many of the members who you would learn the most from are no longer active here but you might search some of the threads.
I like your idea about travelling to Brazil. Maybe you would meet some of Kelly’s friends and it would allow you to “connect” and also learn more about her as a person.
Best of luck my friend.
