[hankhavelock]

Hi Bionca

Great points and super that you share your experience and feelings the constructive way you do. Unfortunately fora such as this one are often lacking a sane input from trangender women, and that is of course a shame, since you are what this is all about :-)

In general I agree with your advice, I do, how ever, have some comments to your points based on my life so far with transgender women as my lovers, partners and above all my dearest friends.

But in general it’s simple – be a gentleman! And maybe even more so, a little bit, if you happen to be out on your first date with a transsexual woman !



1) DO: Use correct pronouns. SHE is not a "He" no matter what the doctors said at birth.

Always use She – but be alert. If you’re dating a transvestite (and not a transsexual), you may have to pick up on her/his signals. Listen carefully to how she herself uses pronouns.

2) DON'T: Tell her she looks like a woman. Compliment her on how she looks (if you feel like it), but for goodness sake don't act surprised. That tells her you expected a "man in a dress".

Absolutely!

3) DO: Be punctual, or communicate if you wil be running late. It's polite and lots of TGs get stood up. Being really late with no explanation or warning tells anyone that they aren't really important.

That’s actually true – I have many transsexual friends who get stood up by stupid guys who chicken out in the last minute and don’t have the guts to tell her. Be a MAN! Of course, my suggestion is NEVER to chicken out on a date with a transsexual woman once you’re lucky enough to get a date. Swallow your nervousness (you really don’t have to be nervous at all) and go to her with open mind, heart and arms.

4) DON'T: Ask her what her "Real" name or "boy" name is. This probably brings up an unpleasant time in her life and it is often used by people to keep us in our place as "not really women" or "failed men".

But on the other hand, don’t step away from it – making a transsexual woman understand that you completely accept and even appreciate her male biological gender and past may for some be a reassurance of your acceptance of her as a full person. But thread with care.

5) DON'T ask to see a picture of when she looked like a guy. Same as above but way way more. If you ever do see a picture of her from this time, understand that she is showing you herself when she was probably feeling her worst.

I agree – but again, showing your appreciation of her entire history is also telling her that you accept it all. And remember, not all transsexuals are ashamed of their male biology. Some will actually expect you to show as much appreciation of the ”man behind the woman” in front of you.

6) DO: Try to impress her. You don't have to treat her like a princess, but you should use your best dating manners (ask what she likes to do, pay attention to her, smile alot).

ALWAYS! And remember that transsexual woman are more often than not more feminine than their genetic sisters both in regards to looks and mind-set. I’d say DO treat her like a pincess !!!

And remember that YOU’RE DATING A WOMAN! Her sexuality is not determined by what’s between her legs but what’s between her ears (sorry about this stupid remark) :-)

7) DON'T: Treat her like your buddy. It's like above, but more. Don't leave her alone while you chat up another girl. She won't take that as well as your guy friends would. Walk her to her door, even if you aren't getting sex.

Gentleman, always! As you would a genetic woman.

8) DO: Understand that she is an individual and has her own likes and dislikes. It will help your cause if you don't assume too much about her

Nothing gender-specific about that :-)

9) DON'T: Ask about her genitalia or transgender history in public, or at least do it quietly. Most of us try to live unobserved in our daily lives. Broadcasting that your date has or had a penis is simply not safe for either of you.

Honestly, talking to any one about their genital disposition would be considered rather bad style in any circumstances… but ofcourse, it may come up. Then take it gracefully – and remember, transesexual woman may have very different approaches to this particular topic. Some are totally fine with their (socalled) male genitalia, others are uncomfortable. Again, move with grace.

10) DO: Have fun! Take her to a place you are both comfortable, get to know eachother, laugh and makes jokes, be relaxed and be prepared to have a great night with a woman who will notice and appreciate every little kindness and polite gesture you make.

That’s the whole point – if you’re finally out on a date with a transsexual woman, you are there because you want to be. ENJOY THE MOMENT, MAN! Quickly over come your initial inhibitions, shyness and embarrasment and start enjoying the moment COMPLETELY – she said yes to date you. Now treat her accordingly as you would any other woman you asked for a date. There really is no difference! Except for the fact that this is probably the woman you TRULY want! And now she's sitting here with you! WOW!

Guys, I guess I've had my share of dinners, dates et al with wonderful transgender women and I continuously will, and I PROMISE you that it is neither dangerous nor embarrassing.

Was I nervous on my first date with Fey, my first transsexual girlfriend (and today my best friend)? A bit - but more excited than nervous. But I guess I'm always a bit agitated and full of excitement the first time I go on a date. So cherish the moment! Bask in it! And if you're lucky enough to get that date, then allow yourself to fully enjoy it! It may be your first important step to finding out who you truly are!

And once you hold her, once you kiss her, once you two share your hearts and minds and bodies... then you'll fully know what I mean. Then you finally have come home. Believe it!

Good luck!

Hank