Of course, guiltydreamer, I don’t know anything about your situation except what you’re telling us, and I myself would never judge without knowing. But are you certain it is too late for yourself? I think what I’ve said to deanthemachine goes for everyone: communication is the most important element of any relationship. You can open up gradually to your wife if you still have time. And if you don’t, if everything seems doomed, consequences will always be favoured by communication anyway. Sometimes we don’t give enough credit to people we share love with: when we express ourselves completely, they very often surprise us by how much they can accept. And almost paradoxically, it applies more and more as we get older. I don’t know how things are for you, but if need be, open the valves gradually too, involve her in your life, guiltydreamer. If you do it gradually, there always will be time to back track to status quo if things gets to be uglier…
ThidEyeGirl is right: human sexuality is much more complex than we like to admit. I refer to the Kinsey’s study in a thread entitled “Does liking shemales make you gay?” (from post #695), which revealed at the end of the 40s how notions of homosexuality and heterosexuality are in fact vague and imprecise considering the extraordinary variety of sexual behaviour in humans. Americans were shocked when the study came out, and it certainly had something to do with the beginning of what came to be called the sexual revolution, during the next decade. They made a film about Kinsey, with Leam Neeson; maybe you can watch it with your spouse to start a dialogue, I don’t know (maybe this suggestion is ridiculous considering the length at which your situation endure, in which case I’d be sorry, of course). But check it out. The variety and complexity of our desire, all of us, goes much beyond what society superficially accepts as being normal. This is a good start to any discussion on the matter. Express your love, and express your desire; do it slowly or do it faster, but just open up and share if there is anything to be saved. Any authentic relationship really is worth it.
In any case I wish you the best of luck with what you have to deal with, guiltydreamer.