Loneliness
I do not know how to lead up to this, so I will be blunt: I fear I am in th beginning stages of a suicidal spiral.
I have been hurt recently by a transwoman whom I was head over heels for. I also recently graduated from college and find myself back home, stuck at home, with little hope of leaving these four walls. Even were I to leave my situation is complicated by the fact that the things I want are difficult to find in Puerto Rico, such as: a decent transwoman, or lad, or gg; it would also be difficult to structure the relationship I want...I'm polyamorous.
This has all left me feeling extremely lonely and hopeless and I find my days meaningless and ever so fleeting. There is nothing to them beyond staying in bed. Even when I write, which I do both as training for the profession I want and as a form of therapy, is not helping.
Every morning I wake up and wonder why all this continues. During the day I hope for death. And my nights are empty of any of the sympathy and warmth of a good woman next to me, and therefore spent pondering my loneliness. The only peace I find, if you can even call it that, is during sleep.
I can sense a shadow in me. A pain. A growing desire to harm myself, if not to take me life than at least to drive my mind away from focusing on my loneliness and instead focusing on something less painful like bodily harm.
I am stuck, stagnant. I have no release. I cannot even cry.
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