funny joke!
 

1) After my death i wake up in a dark abyss. I see huge flames and demons who run and laugh. I hear groans and moans. Somebody cry for the pain...
The devil shows me an androgynous demon with an huge cock and say to me: "You'll have to suck it eternally". I weep for joy, kneel down and exclaim: "God's mercy is infinite !"

2) A German and an Italian debate about women. The German ask: "What's
the first thing you look in a women ?". The Italian reflect a while and answer: " The cock".

A guy goes to Thailand for the first time.
Meet's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen
Take's her back to his room, and fuck's her really well.
Afterward's she's stroking his cock, on the bed!
He turn's to her and say's "You wanna go again?"
She say's no, I'm just admiring your cock, cos I miss my own!!!! :lol:

its funny cos thats the first thing *I* look for in a woman

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?

All you can eat under a buck!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

lol nice, i have to remember that one

Not mine but makes me laugh for some reason.

How do you fix a broken dish washer?

Kick her in the ass!

How to Save a marriage.

ROFL i laughed so hard at this. asking for marriage advice and he gives her mechanical advice. classic.

I don't know if you get Seinfeld down under, but there was an episode where Jerry had a chance at every guy's dream of getting not only his girlfriend, but his girlfriend's roomate in a threeway. He explained to George that if he had gone through with it he would have had to become "that guy" .....change the kind of clothes he wears, change his whole relationship with his parents, make new friends, get a whole new mindset. It was a joke, but that's my situation with transgenders. I like to dream about it, but it ain't me. If discretion is the better part of valor, then I want to avoid that impulse to rush to the aid of a girl in trouble. You don't know how much trouble some girls can get into.

An Islamist was seated next to an Australian and a Brit on a flight from London to Sydney,
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie and Brit asked for a rum and Coke each, which was brought and placed before them.
The flight attendant then asked the Islamist if he would like a drink.
The Islamist replied in disgust,
'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Aussie and the Brit then handed their drinks back to the attendant and said,

'Hey lady, us too. We didn't know there was a choice.'

Hahaha lmao.

Good one.

The first Gorgeous spring day fell on a friday and I was working the counter by myself because business was so light. A few really nice looking secretaries came in, thiough, and like every one was giving me the eye and that sly smile so hey, I smiled back. After about an hour my co-worker Paul came up to me and said "Hey Jim, you gotta big booger hangin outta your nose"

how is that a joke? that's just an embarrassing situation you've been in

The joke is you never really know anything. You're young. Enjoy.

didnt really get the first joke :P had to read for an exp.

re first joke
 

Oh well, maybe you need glasses too Rchriss lol.
I have heard that joke written a bit differently where the father tells his young son if he constantly wanks, it will cause blindness. The next day the son comes down to breakfast and says...Hey dad, I was thinking...can I wank just a little bit and wear glasses :rolleyes: But I like that version from Hungcowboy just as much.
Rgds

The Iraqi soccer star
 

The manager of Liverpool Football Club sends his talent scouts out around the World looking
for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the Cup Final at Wembley. One of his
scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out
to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and
is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty
minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod
to go on.

The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins
the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first
day in English soccer.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we
were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the
fans, the players and the media, they all love me. Nothing will stop us going to Wembley"

"Great," says his Mum. "Now let me tell you about my day. Our car stereo was stolen and the car set alight. Your father got shot in the street by some British soldiers, your sister and I were mugged whilst shopping and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry?!?" says his Mum. "Is that all you've got to say?"

"It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

Little Johnny
 

On his way to his bedroom Little Johnny hears grunting and groaning coming from his parent's room.
Little Johnny opens the door only to find his mom bent over the dresser with Dad taking her from behind.
Dad looks over at Little Johnny with a big grin and winks.
Little Johnny runs to his room.

The next day Little Johnny's dad hears moaning coming from Johnny's room.
Curious he opens the door only to find little Johnny taking Grandma from behind.
Little Johnny looks up at his dad and says " It's not so funny when it's your mom is it?".

nice one
 

Nice one Ila

3 Comrades at a desert islands, were boring... One said to the others, lets play Golf... One of them asked: "How to you play that? ". "Simple…" the first one replied, "with a bar, a ball and a hole..." and added "I put the bar", the 2nd stated "I put ball", and the one that asked, emphatically stated: "I do not play!!!"

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and
there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to
his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! "

Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another...
--
Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often

That is hilarious!

Talk Son
 

Probably a little late for a talk.;):lol:

Sperm
 

Sorry guys.:lol::confused:

born
 

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis and a brain.

you'll notice i'm not laughing at that. it is derogetory to men and shemales alike. you are saying that just because we are born with a Y chromosone and increased testosterone, we are unable to think rationally and/or are incapable of intelligent thought trails? i pity you. i would tell you to go back to your nazi feminist party, but seeings as you are male you wouldn't fit in too well, though i here satan has a nice spot in hell reserved for people just like you.

Little Sally
 

Johnny's little sister 'Sally' came home from school with a
smile on her face, and told her mother.

'Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,

'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked. 'Really small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No.....salty.'

Mum fainted!

females DNA
 

Interesting discovery :lol:

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure! What about?" replied mother.

"Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I should own one."

"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.

"Could you buy me a push up bra?"

"No."

"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."

"Nope."

"I think it would be just proper at my age..."

"I said no way...!"

"But all of my friends wear.......!"

Johnny! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"

Joke
 

What do you call a sheep on a pogo stick..... A wooly Jumper :P

what cuss words mean...
 

day of thanksgiving, mom and dad have a fight:

the mom calls the husband a "bastard"

and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"

and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"

and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"




and then later billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"


So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"



His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"


and billy said "Dad, whats shit"

And then his dad says
"Well billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "


and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"


and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"

"Well billy fuck is a way cutting the turkey"


and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says


"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey

Confucius said ... "Man who go to bed with problem in hand .. wake up with solution on chest" ...

I'll get me' coat now .. shall I ? ... ;)

Why are all the cars in Liverpool fitted with "Rally" type steering wheels ? ...

So's the "scallies" can still drive 'em while wearing handcuffs ... :eek:

Sorry I dont understand :eek:

Don't worry .. that's my fault .. it was posted for the benefit of someone who liked an earlier "Liverpool" joke ..

Liverpool is a large Port City in NW England .. with a bad (sometimes deserved) reputation for thieving ..

"Scallies" is the nick name given by Liverpuddlians to the local "Ne're do wells" (and is a shortening of "Scallywags") ... the kind of youths who steal cars to "joy ride" & then set fire to them .. they also have a reputation for attempting to escape once they've been arrested .. hence the Handcuffs ...

Rally driving tends to be a European Motorsport, involving timed trials over a variety of terrains .. the steering wheels of Rally cars are about half normal size, making the driver's job easier ..

Just put it down to "Brit" humour .. which sometimes doesn't translate easily .. ;)

try this one orion
 

Nicely explained Orion, I'll let you explain this one too ;)

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the
measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun, who had just moved to the UK, jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent, "My Dad is painting our new house with a two-inch
brush and my Mum says it will take da contagious".

( da cunt-ages )

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." :D

Ooops!! I've probably just isolated 50% of the board now... ;)

Nice one Admirer ..

Would it have been little Sean's Grandad whilst serving with an Anti-Aircraft Unit in WWII told his Sergeant that he had a "Fokker" caught in the beam of his search light ? ...

The Sergeant looked up & then said .. "No, Paddy .. that Fokker's a Messerschmitt"

And before anyone has a "pop" about Racism .. its not, as I'm of Anglo-Irish descent ... ;)

White Horse ..
 

A White Horse walks into a Pub and orders a pint of "Best" ..

The Barman looks at him a bit oddly, then serves him .. after a few moments thought .. the Barman says ... "Here, we sell a Whisky named after you" ...

The Horse looks at him and says .. "Wot .. Eric" ?

Confucius say: Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok!

3 gay guys walk into a bathroom. one of them goes into a stall and notices cum floating on the water and says "ok, who farted". lol!

haha, thanks for sharing :)

A Royal Navy sailor was being quizzed at a Court Martial as he'd been an accidental witness to three other sailors sharing the same bunk ...

The President of the Court Martial asked him .. "Now Signalman Jones .. did you notice any semen on the bunk or bedding" ?

The sailor promptly replied .. "Oh, no Sir .. just three Stokers" ...

re stokers
 

Lol Orion......I heard about the Rear Admiral that got a little behind with his work and that the Rear Admiral is the most sought after job in the Greek navy. Rgds

English language
 

Why it's Important to Understand English


I had some Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window here at the local bank. It was a short line with just one guy in front of me . . an Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars and he was a little irritated .

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat aighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too."

the pianist
 

PIANIST

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man
reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,about one foot high and
sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a
small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag
once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of
the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he
pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub
it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of
smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one
wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is
filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch pianist?"

Sign language ..
 

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of an unfinished building and he needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his mate on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said ... so he started to use sign language so the guy on the ground could understand him ...

First he pointed to his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), then moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw...

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood .. dropped his pants and started to jerk off...

The guy on the 3rd floor got really pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw" ..

The other guy replied, "Yeah .. I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming" ..

Red, white and blue
 

What do you call a T-gurl dressed in red, white and blue?
ans; a mailbox.

Communications Breakdown ..
 

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,

"Well, tonight's the night we have sex" ..

And so they did ..

As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I'd known she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her" ..

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I'd known the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken my tights off" ...

Convict on the run ...
 

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom ..

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightdress and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it ... Our lives may depend on it" ..

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,

"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt" ...

Joke
 

Two guys were sitting at a bar chatting.
One said, "do you know how to give you wife an instant orgasm?"
"No how do you that"
"Take her hand in yours and look into her eyes and say, my dear, I know you are always right";)

duck
 

so a woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and sits down, the guy next to her looks at her and says "where'd you get that pig?"

the woman says to him, "Thats not a pig"

the guy replies, "hell, i was talkin to the duck"

guy and wife
 

A guy and his wife are talking in bed after sex and shes playin with his balls.

The husband looks down at his wife and asks "Honey, why do you play with my balls after we fuck?"

the wife smiles and replies, "Because i miss mine so much"

It sucks to be old
 

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a
sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave
the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked
what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this. "First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

:lol:

mothers and their sons
 

My grandmother told me this joke when I was 13. She said I should know a good "dirty" joke.

Three women in their late 50s (okay, they're Jewish mothers) are lounging around the pool at a Miami Beach resort hotel. They have only just met. They are having afternoon cocktails. Inevitably, the conversation turns to their sons.

"My son," says the first mother, "what a boy. First he went to college, then he went to law school, and then he went to medical school. Now he's a lawyer and a doctor."

"That's nothing," says the second mother. "My son is so successful in business that not only does he own a beautiful condo on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, but he has a home in California and another in France."

"Feh!!" snorts the third mother. "My son is so well endowed that when his penis is fully erect, twelve birds can perch on it side by side without touching each other."

The other two women were most definitely impressed.

The conversation shifts, but the cocktails continue. Now the women are getting a little tipsy. Guilt begins to set in. So, the first one says, "Perhaps I was not quite right about my son. Okay, so maybe he could use a good lawyer, and maybe he's recently been to the doctor."

The second mother says, "I, too, have exaggerated a bit. I feel a bit guilty about it. Okay, so maybe my son lives near the Upper West Side. Maybe he's been to California. Maybe he dreams of visiting France."

Finally, it is the third mother's turn. "I, too, have embellished," she says. "So maybe his penis isn't quite so large. So maybe the twelfth bird has to stand on one leg."

A couple are on the sofa engrossed in some really heavy french kissing,real tonsil tennis.All of a sudden,the girl pulls away."Damn"she says "I've just swallowed your chewing gum","No,it's ok" replies the guy "I just have a heavy cold"

buckshot
 

The Duck Hunter
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.':lol:

OK, here's one that should offend most everybody.

Heaven is Where:
the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

Startling Yourself !
 

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Little Johnny
 

[QUOTE=ila;46934]On his way to his bedroom Little Johnny hears grunting and groaning coming from his parent's room.


LMAO ........... just cracked me up ! Thks :lol::lol::lol:

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in

As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

The boy ob the bench
 

The old man was walking trough the city park when he came upon a small boy sitting on a bench, crying his eyes out.
" What's the matter ?" , the old man asked.
"I can't do what the big boys can do!" cried the boy.
The old man thought about it and then he sat down and started crying too.

if i were the third person i would have surely offered the hole

Little Johnny joke
 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

funny joke
 

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world
and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more
women as our physicians and therapists, etc
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to
a just out of medical school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

The first thing she told me that I must stop masturbating.


I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."

What is wet, round, long, hard, rubber coated and full of semen ?
























- a submarine :p

I' ve heard that joke about three Russian cops :D

nude sunbathing
 

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he had a hat over his dick.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so f**king ugly it would lift itself."

the old cowboy
 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping their coffee's in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

What did Mr. Spock find in the restroom?




















The Captains Log.

lol nice one....I am aware of everything around me when im "busy" how did his mother close his door without him knowing XD

an oldie but goldie
 

What do you call nuts on a wall......walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chest...chestnuts. What do you call nuts on a chin..no not chin nuts...a damn good blow job :innocent:

re joke
 

[QUOTE=simmo;78732]As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world
and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more
women as our physicians and therapists, etc
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

Nice one Simmo

cute
 

Thats cute miss F

best short joke
 

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.



"Mom" , he asked , "Are these my brains?"





"Not yet , " she replied. :lol::lol::lol:

lol, if that was true i would be blind as a bat

lol there are some really funny ones in here

good jokes gone bad...
 

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is turning a bright orange color and I don't know what to do!"
The doctor tries to calm the guy down, and asks him if he has had contact with anything strange, or done anything differently than normal.
The guy says " I don't think so Doc, I got laid off last week, so all I've been doing is staying at home watching porn and eating Cheetos!

:D

good stuff
 

The "Sign Language" joke cracked me up, thanks! :lol:

need a whole lot more to make me laugh :)

Pffft!
 

hey at least we're trying! This isn't exactly a joke forum....:)
Feel free to contribute something you think is really funny.

funny joke
 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' :yes::yes::yes:

I like this one !
 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

A coincidence
 

Ok Amoit, try this one.........

A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for months all of my hens seemed infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

funny joke
 

IRISH SAUSAGES


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky..

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

LMAO I love this one (sorry, the joke is on the attachment of the original post, not sure how to attach it here)

in memory
 

In Memory of all those loved bosses!

A guy phones up his boss, but gets the boss's wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week", she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week",
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing, "Sorry, I just love hearing it..."

the spider
 

Here's something for young and old, unless you suffer from Arachnophobia :eek:



http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/

funny joke
 

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are bloody freezing....'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one...?'

:lol::lol::lol:

Little Maggie Joke
 

Little Maggie is in her backyard

Mr Baxter the next door neighbor leans over the fence.

Mr Baxter, "What are you doing there Little Maggie?"

Little Maggie, "Oh, I was digging a hole, Mr Baxter."

Mr Baxter, "Why were you digging a hole, Little Maggie?"

Little Maggie, "Oh, it was for my parakeet, Mr Baxter; it died."

Mr Baxter, "That's an awful big hole for a little parakeet, how come?"

Lil Maggie, "Cuz it's inside your fuckin' cat!"

The last line made me lol

swine flu
 

Swine Flu .........

The Big Bad Wolf snarled and said:

"I'll huff ...

and I'll puff ...

and I'll blow your house down!"

And the first little pig said:

"F**k off or I'll sneeze on you!"

:lol::lol::lol:

ethnic minorities
 

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...One has a weak tikka and the other one is in a korma.

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

Asylum seekers in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

These three little old ladies and their dogs were
sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation,
when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.




Marilyn immediately had a stroke.



Then Bev also had a stroke.



But Judy, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far.

:lol::lol::lol:

Redhead
 

Here are three shorties dedicated to Fran.

How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it. :yes:

Humor - what is it??
 

The things we laugh at.

I never thought much about it untill I read Heinlein's book Stranger In A Strange Land when I was in high school. In it, Valentine Michael Smith (the protaganist of the story) makes the observation that much of humor is based on the pain of others. Being human, I do laugh at most of it, but I have to admit that most of the hate humor just leaves me cold. I live in Wyoming and you maybe wouldn't believe the homophobic jokes I heard after the murder of Mathew Shepard. Not to mention the aftermath of the Bareback Mountain movie. Sometimes I wonder if we are progressing as a society. I compare the gentle humor of Will Rogers to the Sam Kennison types we see today and I worry some. I mourn the loss of our innocence,

anyway, heres my contribution to the thread.

Sally Was a Good Ole Girl

Smilin' Jimmy picked Sally up at the bar Thursday night and drove out of town about 5 miles to Lover's Lane.

"Fuck or walk" said Smilin' Jimmy.

" I'll walk," said Sally and so she did.

Come Friday night, Smilin' Jimmy picked Sally up again. This time he drove clear out to Makeout Mountain which is about 10 miles from town.

"Fuck or walk," said Smilin Jimmy.

"I'll walk," said Sally and off she went.

Saturday Night, big dance in town. After dancing most of the night with Sally, once again Jim and Sally left together. This time he drove her clear across the county line, a distance of some twenty five miles.

"Fuck or walk," says Smilin' Jimmy.

"Ok, let's fuck," say Sally with an air of resignation. And they did.

Afterwards with a satisfied smile on his face Jimmy asks, "Why did you finally go along, Sally?

"Well," she said, "I was willing to walk 5 miles, and I was willing to walk 10 miles."

"But," she continued, "after dancing all night, and my feet being tired,-----




---I'll be damned if I'll walk 25 miles...just to keep some sunny beach from catching the clap!"

Thats a good one. I had to wait three seconds for the funny detail to sink in. :p stroke as in... stroking the cock!!

All the time she was doing him a favour. :lol:
Clap: A common venereal disease caused by the bacterium Neisseria gonorrhoeae; :eek:

A really cool joke.:respect:

At first I didn't see why you felt the need to define "Clap", then I realized that it is a slang term and maybe not used in many parts of the world. I also realized that in the present day, the clap is not so bad when compared to the possibility of AIDS. I guess that kind of dated me there.:innocent: Ah, the good old days when the worst a fellow had to worry about was catching the clap or syphilis.