That was then, this is now. Aside from Sarkozy and their recent actions fighting the Somali pirates, they still kinda suck.

Well, I certainly won't argue that one. I just think it's important that people remember their history. Without it, there's no real context for understanding the present.

a Blonde joke
 

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.
"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

:lol::lol::lol:

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Your Duck is Dead
 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

These really work!!

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

eyesight
 

What do you call the useless skin that surrounds the vagina?







































































The woman.

TOP TEN AL GORE PICKUP LINES

10. ?I created the internet, and now I?m going to create making love to you.?

9. ?We?ll make sweet love until the compact fluorescent light bulb burns out? which is a long long time because they?re very efficient.?

8. ?The science is settled: I?m dead sexy.?

7. ?It would reduce your carbon footprint if you shared a room with me tonight.?

6. ?If you just watch this slideshow presentation, I think it makes it pretty clear and indisputable that we should totally do it.?

5. ?Lucky for you my lovemaking is a renewable resource.?

4. ?It?s not only my personality and mannerisms that are stiff.?

3. ?Carefully study your love making option, because I don?t want you to accidentally have sex with Pat Buchanan.?

2. ?The rumors are true: I am a robot ? The Sex Machine.?

And the number one Al Gore pickup line?


?Here?s an inconvenient truth: There?s only one of me to go around.?

In my opinion, that's not even remotely funny.

A hooker in Las Vegas...
 

Fine then! How about this one?

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides t o put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would ... if I had a pussy."

^ Now that one is funny -- very funny!

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice
up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite
her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband
says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

:lol::lol::lol:

bumper sticker
 

Saw this in on a market stall

Love this joke and hadn't heard/read it in ages.

check up
 

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok
recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"

Mechanic v's cardiologist
 

A mechanic working at a prestigious motor-cycle agency was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I?m finished, it works just like new. So how come I make ?35,000 a year and you make ?1,000,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The renowned cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running!"

No, but you know what is funny? Telling it to a room full of feminists then running away. It's like Benny Hill in reverse...

Personally I prefer "Why has there never been a woman on the moon? Cos it never needed cleaning"

Hi there.

A guy asks his new g/f whom he had sex only a few times with;

So what do you want tonight?

She ansewers: I want you to fuck my brains out!

He ansewered: So, it's skull fucking then...



JohnDowe.

cock measure and "counter measure".
 

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want.

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.



The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man. "



And has she helped you make a decision?"



"Yes" says the man.



"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite countertops."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a weekand I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Hi there.

A guy walks in a bar and anounces to the bar tender:

It's been proved scoentifacally that beer makes you smarter.

Unconvinced the bar tender ansewers "Right" sarcasticly.

The guy sais; "Well it made budwiser"




JohnDowe.

The Old Sailor
 

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

And she says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and your not getting your money back."

Grammar?
 

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.


His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Hi there.

I wanted to take a trip to spain, but chucked that idea when i learned that,

The rain in spain stays mainly in the plaine.


JohnDowe.

politically correct
 

I guess this is only funny for those familiar with the international alphabet code.


A rookie police officer spots a huge, drunken black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"There's a black bloke, seems pissed out of his brains, dancing on the roof of a car."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator.

"You know you have to use politically correct terminology these days"

"OK," he says. "Zulu?.Whisky?Tango....Sierra"

A penguin walks into a bar, hops up and asks the Bartender: "Has my dad been in tonight?"
The Bartender scratches his chin and says,"Not sure, what does he look like?"

I decided to go to France when I heard that the ants in France stay mainly on the plants.

Hi there.

There once was a sorceress that lived in a small castle, and it was rumored that she was evil and had done some evil deeds.

So a small army went to her castle and demanded her surrender or suffer the consequences.

She repied to their threat; YOU MEN ARE CHICKENS...

They laughed, until they started to change into chickens...

And for the nex few months she had chicken soup, roasted chicken, making the best of the situation.


When she was about to run out of chickens, another small army was pounding at her door,

threatening to ram down the door and to take her by force.

Tired of eating chicken, she replied; YOU GUYS ARE LAMBS...

As she expected they laughed for a little while until they started to become lambs.

And as before the sorceress had a lot to eat for the next few months, lamb chops, lamb burgers and many other lamb dishes.


She had run out of lambs and was a bit anoyed that she now only had vegetables that she grew in her garden to eat when a

third small army came a knocking to her door demanding her surrender, by now she knew the drill, and tought about what

to turn the men into, thinking about what she would like to eat, and ham and pork chops came to her and her mouth watered

at the tought, so she went to her tower and said: YOU MEN ARE ALL PIGS...

She felt the magic exude from her body and the men booed her and then started to make fun of her, BUT they did not transform,

and they rammed the door down and captured easily the magically drainned sorceress and brought her to town where she was

tried convicted and burned her at the stake.


The morale of this story is two folds, the sorceress was secluded from the world and was ignorant of it's workings and

subequently she didn't know what every (other) woman knows; MEN ARE PIGS.


I told the joke to a few women, thinking they would agree wholehartedly, but to my surprize they defended men.


JohnDowe.

I can understand why. This is an inane sexist joke. Society no longer tolerates sexist jokes about women so why should sexist jokes about men be tolerated?

the dog lover
 

I love this section and have giggled so much, thanks to all that have contributed. Here is my latest......

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat'', agreed to look after her neighbour?s male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."


"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me lady" he replied.

Hunting season
 

It is hunting season in Maine. A hunter got into the deep woods and got lost. After many hours he came to asmall clearing. A small cottage and outside was a witch stirring a large kettle with a long spoon. This wasn't your ordinary witch for this one was absolutly gorgeous!
The hunter approached her and asked what she was doing.
"I'm making a baby", sshe eplied.
"That's not how to make a baby . Let's go inside and I'll show you."
After the hunter was finished and "unloaded".;)
the witch asked," where's the baby?"
"Oh, the baby will be here in 9 months."
"NINE MONTHS ! What did you stop stirring for!"

Insanely sexist?

What are you talking about?

It is a bit sexist, yes, but i have seen (heard) MANY jokes that were WAY MORE SEXIST, and i WAS quoting (many) women.

You say society, but in effect it is women and their inability to take any criticism that do not tolerate any sexist jokes about women but sexist jokes against men are fine in their book.

I don't know about you, but I have delt with alot of women in many types of relationships and encounters and they have always shown themselves to be mean, petty, vindictive and take themselves way too seriously, and if there is a way to take a simple positive statement in a negative way they will find it.

In conclusion, it is a joke, it IS funny, and that should be the end of that.


Oh, Yeah, Why should sexist jokes against men be tolerated?

Because we aren't women, and we don't take everything in a tragic context.


JohnDowe.

fitting more or less
 

.mostly less

"All generalizations are dangerous, even this one." -- Alexandre Dumas

"All generalizations are false, including this one." -- Mark Twain

Where they that way when you first met them, or did it happen over time in these "relationship and encounters"? The answer will speak volumes.

Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

gas
 

The lady tells her doctor that she has a serious gas problem. Strange thing is, when it comes out it makes no sound and they don't smell.
Is that so, says the doctor. Well, let's complete the physical and check your ears. And he takes a cotton swab and cleans her ears, finds ear wax build up.
Now that I've fixed your hearing let's fix your sinuses...:rolleyes:

I typed INANE, not insane. If you don't know what it means then look up the definition.

In your opinion it is a joke and it?s funny. In my opinion it is not funny. Also if you go back and look at my reply you will see I was agreeing with the women you told the joke to that defended men.

Sexist jokes should not be tolerated regardless of who the intended target is.

Shipwrecked
 

A sheep farmer was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only one sheep and the sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was supermodel Naomi Campbell.

That evening, the man brought Naomi to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Naomi and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Naomi batted her eyelashes, and blushing asked if there was anything she could do for him.



"Yes," he said, 'Could you please take that f****** dog for a walk?

The Cat
 

The Cat
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year?s Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from biting and scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab became deafening.

the lecture
 

Nice one siamgirl :lol:


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, ?I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body?.
The officer then asks, ?Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night??

The man replies, ?My wife.

One of my students told me this joke earlier this week:

A girl named Mary went to a Christian school. It was pretty progressive; there was even a sex education class. One day, Mary was in the sex education class dozing off, because the hadn't gotten much sleep the night before.

The teacher called on her to answer the question, "What did Eve say after her and Adam had sex the first time?"

Mary didn't respond, and Jimmy -- the boy behind her -- poked her with a pencil.

OUCH!!!" Mary blurted out.

"Correct," said the teacher.

After a few minutes, Mary was nearly asleep again. The teacher called on her again.

"What did Eve say to Adam when she had her fifth child?"

Jimmy came to the rescue again, poking half-asleep Mary again with a pencil. Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you poke me one more time I'm going to break that thing in half."

"Correct," said the teacher.

free drinks
 

An Englishman, Scot and an Irishman were talking about bars with free drinks.
Englishman:" We have a bar where after six drinks, you get one free."
Scotsman:" That's nothing great. We have a bar that serves a freed rink after evry 4th drink."
Irishman: " We got you all beat. At our bars you get free drinks right after walking in and after they decide you have had enough, they take you upstairs and you get laid."
Englishman:" Now did that ever really happen to you personally?"
Irishman: "Well, no. But it happened nine times to my sister."

Well, since we're posting jokes involving Irishmen and sisters:

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.

So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".

Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".

To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

And since we're posting jokes about the Irish and drinking:

Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.

"I'd like to buy a bottle of Jameson", she tells O 'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle of Jameson into a bag.

Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

And one more, to cover all three nationalities of Fran's inspiring post:

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walked into a pub. Each ordered a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.

The Scot took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.

The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Dirty Laundry

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." :blush:

Your Favorite Shemale fantasy
 

Im really sure lots of you are like jokes.

Why not share here your favorite jokes so others can know about it

Below is my favorite joke which is Needles Are Not Nice

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test"

Bob was very stupid, thinking his vital will be cut for a urine test
Thanks mate

Not a joke, this is a silly news story...
 

Daily Telegraph 17th Jan 2011:

Quote:

A cat has been summoned to do jury service, even after his owners told the court he was "unable to speak and understand English". Anna Esposito (the cat's owner), wrote to Suffolk Superior Crown Court in Boston, US, to explain that a mistake had been made, but a jury commissioner replied saying the cat, named Tabby Sal, "must attend" on March 23. Mrs Esposito had included a letter from her vet confirming that the cat was "a domestic short-haired neutered feline". Tabby Sal had been entered by Mrs Esposito under the 'pets' section of the last census. "When they ask him guilty or not guilty? What's he supposed to say - miaow?" She said, "Sal is a member of the family so I listed him on the last Census form under pets but there has clearly been a mix-up." A website for the US judicial system states that jurors are "not expected to speak perfect English". Attachment 187915

^ Having myself been called to jury duty in Massachusetts, I can assure you that Sal will be no less qualified to sit in judgment of humans than some of the people I observed at the courthouse.

Of course, that probably goes for anywhere. :yes:

Our local media has had a f(el)ine time with this story. One lawyer said:

"I?m thinking he?ll probably get picked for a jury since jurors are often picked for their lack of opinion on anything. Then again, most cats are pretty opinionated."

box
 

Have you seen "Lars and the real girl", very funny. :yes:

Don't you think "tragi-comic" is a more apt descriptor? It seems to call for some empathy.

True enough, the communities support for him was indeed heartwarming and having her elected to the school board was very funny. Also, it turned out not to be a tragedy after all. The love of the community brought him back to reality. A surprisingly good film.

The virgins
 

Surprise surprise!

Once upon a time, a guy struggling to decide what to wear to a costume party. Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

On demand, shit happens
 

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, ?I?m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.?

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

?I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It?s a very special watch.

It?s been in my family for six generations.? He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ?Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...?


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist?s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

? SHIT!? said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ..

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

My grandmother, who was probably not like the grandmothers of 99 percent of Forum members, told me this joke when I was 13 or 14 years old:

Working late one night, a mortician whose job it was to examine the dead bodies before they are sent off to be buried or cremated was examining Morty Adelman's body. Morty was scheduled to be cremated the next day. To his amazement, the mortician discovered that Morty had the biggest cock he'd ever seen. (My grandmother said pupik, the Yiddish word.)

The mortician thought to himself, "I can't send a specimen like this to be cremated. A cock like that must be saved for posterity." And so he used his tools to remove it carefully, stuffed it into his bag, and brought it home.

Later that night, he said to his wife, "Sweetheart, I have something to show you that you just won't believe." And he opened the bag.

"Oh my god!" screamed his wife. "Morty Adelman is dead!"

This one's for Fran:

One day, President Obama, bored with Michelle, was looking for a call girl. Disguising himself, he headed to a local lounge, where he found three: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, "$200."

He asked the brunette the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead. She replied, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way the public is being screwed, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences.
I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

re feline jury
 

[QUOTE=dauls;172443]Daily Telegraph 17th Jan 2011:

It?s always very comforting to hear that all the ?civilised? and developed nations have their loonies in suchlike institutions.

A few years ago the BBC attempted to take the dwellers of the artificial ?Royston Cave,? Hertfordshire, England to court for not possessing a radio/television licence. The last inhabitants, according to local folklore, were in fact a group of 14th century Knight Templars, who were a religious and military group, often described as warrior monks, originally formed in around 1118 to to protect pilgrims to Jerusalem and the Holy Land.

Lots of red faces at the Beeb no doubt. Amen!

The infamous 'Little Tommy'
 

Little Tommy


Tommy got kicked out of class today. His teacher asked him,

"Tommy, if I gave you ?20.00 and you gave ?5.00 to Amy,
?5.00 to Katie and ?5.00 to Mary, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left over for a burger and coke,"
was the wrong answer.

A man calls his wife from the office and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada for a fishing trip with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a long weekend and this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I?ll swing by the house to pick my things up."

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..?

Being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks. Following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him and asks if he caught many fish.

?Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. ...By the way, you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.?

The wife replies, "No I didn?t, they're in your tackle box".




Never, never, NEVER try to outsmart a woman!!!

It's funny because he's queer.

Either you don't get the joke, or your comment is the most inexplicable -- and thus intriguing -- thing I've read this evening.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
 

50? Fahrenheit (10? C)
? Californians shiver uncontrollably.
? Canadians plant gardens.

35? Fahrenheit (1.6? C)
? Italian Cars won't start
? Canadians drive with the windows down

32? Fahrenheit (0? C)
? American water freezes
? Canadian water gets thicker.

0? Fahrenheit (-17.9? C)
? New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
? Canadians have the last barbecue of the season.

-60? Fahrenheit (-51? C)
? Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
? Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9? Fahrenheit (-78.5? C)
? Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
? Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173? Fahrenheit (-114? C)
? Ethyl alcohol freezes.
? Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67? Fahrenheit (-273.15? C)
? Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
? Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

(And this last one is for shadows)
-500? Fahrenheit (-295? C)
? Hell freezes over.
? The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

I scrolled down slowly, thinking that I would find exactly that!

I wonder, if one is a Leafs fan but also Jewish, does the fact that Jews don't believe in hell help or hurt the cause?

Would this be a religious or philosophical question? I've never been good at answering either topic.

32? Fahrenheit (0? C)
? American water freezes
? Canadian water gets thicker.

Californians stop moving. :eek:

Damned if I know.

But get a load of this, viz. your joke. It's the opening line of hockey column by Kevin Paul Dupont in today's Boston Globe:

"On a night cold enough for hell to freeze over, Phil Kessel scored twice."

That's Phil Kessel, ex-Bruin and member of the Toronto Maple Leafs, for those other than ila who don't know.

There's got to be some kind of joke in there using Phil Kessel's last name, hell, and fire.

I guess the Jewish fan could say (win a few/lose a few).

Kessel's last name in its German meaning, my fellow deutschsprechend friend? ;)

Yes, most definitely.

I'm guessing you don't mean "sinkhole," since that would only describe the way Bruins fans see what our team has been put in by trading him and his 51 points (without the kind of front line you'd expect for someone that productive) away. ;)

Shouldn't this now move to the hockey thread? :blush:

Actually sinkhole works better than any joke that I can think of.

futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan
 

Japanese Hotel Service . . .

A oversea's salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan . . .

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.


'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled
out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best
haircut of his life.


Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.


'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a
Service for Men, When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'


The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into
the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it
shut off.


With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender manhood........
which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

:lol::lol::lol:

A professor at The University of Maine was giving a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions.

His students weren?t paying attention and so to make his lecture more memorable he decided to get the students to think a bit.

Looking at an especially attractive young woman he said to her ?Mary, do you know what your asshole is doing when you?re having an orgasm??

Without missing a beat Mary replied ?yes, he?s usually out moose hunting with his buddies.?

It took the remainder of the day for the laughter to subside.

Dentures
 

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to
Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend
remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200
mph when it hit me square in the nuts."

"What does that have to do with your teeth?" asked the first.

"Well" he explained, "That was the first time in two years my
teeth didn't hurt."

Japanese comedians
 

This had me in stitches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ4zT...eature=related

Best wishes to all

A man dies and ascends to heaven where's he met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter says "you've lived your life as an example for all Christians. You shared the gospel at every opportunity, you never cheated on your wife, you never drank one drop of alcohol, and you only had sex for the purpose of procreation."

The man beamed.

"However," St. Peter continued, "there's one little problem."

"Oh?" the man replied.

"You were non-denominational," St. Peter said. The man looked confused. "We try to keep the denominations separated. Keeps the fights and name calling to to a minimum," the saint added with a sly wink. "The problem is, we don't know where to put you."

The man paused for a moment. Then he asked "can I choose?"

St. Peter wrinkled his brow in thought. Finally he said, "sure. No harm in that, I suppose."

St. Peter opened the gates and in they walked. They stood in a long hallway, with rows of doors as far as the eye could see.

"This is heaven?" the man thought.

St. Peter opened the first door. Inside, people were rolling on the floor, making guttural sounds and thrashing about.

"Evangelicals" St. Peter said.

The man shook his head. "Thanks, but not my style."

They moved to the next door. When St. Peter opened it, every person in the room was crowded together under the door frame.

The man looked to St. Peter. "Jehovah's Witnesses?" he asked.

"Let's move on" St. Peter said with a smirk.

St. Peter reached for the next door knob, then suddenly jerked his hand back. He shot a quick glance to the man, then placed his finger over his lips.

"Shhh," he said, motioning the man to follow.

The man grabbed the sleeve of St. Peter's robes. "Wait a minute," he said with a head nod back towards the door.

St. Peter leaned in close and whispered.

"Southern Baptists. They think they're the only ones here."

:lol:

Anyone read xkcd?

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection, you should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some slimming pills

Politically correct
 

Here is a corny joke to upset either everyone or nobody.
Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so I thought I would try this very old, but definitely Po.Co. one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a German, a North American, a South American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, an Ethiopian , a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Frenchman, a Dutchman, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Jew, a white man, a black man and an Asian went to a night club.....
When the bouncer said...
V
v

"Sorry, I can?t let you in without a Thai."

Another bad one
 

:lol: A tracker salesman is having a beer with a farmer on the porch when a three legged pig cuddels up next to the farmer.

"What's up with that pig?" The salesman asked. "And the missing leg?"

"This pig is a hero." The farmer says proudly. "Just last month a beam fell on me in the barn and he pulled me out."

"Did he losse his leg doing that?"

"Oh no." The farmer replied. "Last week while plowing a field I passed out from the heat and the pig brought me some water."

"But what about the missing leg?" The salesman demanded.

"Hey Mister you don't eat a hero all at once!" The farmer said.

The doctor told the patient that he had a very bad dose of clap.

"But", said the man "I only masturbate."

"Yes", said the doctor "It is hand clap!" :lol: