Oh, I am so sorry. You should have kept one eye closed while you were wacking off. The pics in the magazine weren't in stereo anyway.

Clap
 

I've no idea if this is true but I was led to believe that the slang noun 'clap' is from Old French 'clapier' = brothel or whore house, fun house or whatever the local term is. Makes sense, I guess :rolleyes:
Rgds

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Terry.

Poor Terry.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Terry quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.


He bent over to pick it up .....then all the other bells started to ring.

They were all gay except for Terry! Thanks for the biggest laugh I had this week!:lol:

I don't get the joke here!
 

Damn, I have looked at the joke sideways and upside down and...nothing!

Have tried differant meaning of the words tank and drive......nothing.

Anybody got an explanation for this one?

Meanwhile .............................

Mr. Turklebacher is in his back yard and looking over the fence he observes the neighbors little girl Maggie filling in a 3 foot hole.

"Whatcha doing there, little Maggie?" he asked.

With a tear in her eye, Little Maggie sniffed, "Oh, my goldfish died this morning, and I was giving him a proper burial."

Mr Turklebacher said, "Oh, I'm so sorry......... Ummmm............Isn't that an awful big hole for a little goldfish?

"Oh," said little Maggie, "That's because he's inside your f**king cat!!"

I think it has to do with the expression, 'drunk as a fish.'

goldfish joke
 

Perhaps he meant driving a Tank(an armored combat vehicle) as a mild joke? :rolleyes:

It tickles my imagination, but fails to evoke any laughter!
Or if seen from your "son of satan" standpoint, :p

Perhaps the two goldfishes were trying to decide who will fuck whom?

Best Comeback Line Ever!!!
 

An article taken from the Washington Post titled "Best Comeback Line Ever".

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to [Lawrence] and he's just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn ... is it midnight already?'":lol:

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....



2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic
devastates parts of Asia

-------------------------------------------------------------

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza
decimates Australian racing

-------------------------------------------------------------

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic
kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

-------------------------------------------------------------

It gets worse........

------------------------------------------------------------

next year......

-------------------------------------------------------------

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go
wrong? :eek:

Sounds like a doomsday prophecy to me
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

:lol: Depends on if you are a pessamist and believer in trends. Or -- if you are a believer in Armegeddon/end of the world stuff, then this would be just one of a long list of calamities to come. Perhaps we are looking at the mutation of one of the many infections of the penis to where it becomes a world wide epidemic. :eek: :(


Ok so I googled this and found

2008 is the Year of the Rat
2009 is the Year of the Ox
2010 is the Year of the Tiger
2011 is the Year of the Hare (rabbit)
2012 is the Year of the Dragon
2013 is the Year of the Snake
2014 is the Year of the Horse
2015 is the Year of the Ram (sheep, goat)
2016 is the Year of the Monkey
2017 is the Year of the Rooster
2018 is the Year of the Dog
2019 is the Year of the Pig (Boar

Looks to me like you perhaps did a bit of manipulation to fit your data.

Chinese calendar joke
 

That was bloody Brilliant!:respect:

What will he be
 

Subject: What Will He Be?

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them
in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one,
his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut
fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only
pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
proceeded to shove two Fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

Not a joke, but it made me laugh. Can't remember where it came from.

Latest International News

Two bored morgue attendants got the shock of their lives in Havana recently.

It seems they were playing chess late into their night shift. A corpse suddenly sat up, reached over and moved a bishop to Queen 7 establishing a checkmate. The brainy corpse then laid back down. Despite the efforts to revive it, it remained quite still.

In a magnanimous gesture the chess player, despite the fact there are no rules concerning a cadaver assisting with your game, decided the match a draw. Said his opponent of the corpse, "Sure he looked ugly, real ugly, but he sure looked like he knew what he was doing".

A candle light vigil was held for the anonymous stiff in honour of his brilliant strategy.

Hi there.

Guy at surplus store sees this guy looking and looking but didn't seem to find waht he was looking for, as he is about to go to him to try to help him, he comes to him.

Looking nervously around as if to see if he was being followed, he asked the salesman: where are the explosives?

The salesman anseweres: Oh, em, isle C4.

The nervous guy goes there and looks and looks.

Another salesman comes up to his co worker and sais: I think that he's a terrorist, shouldn't we call the FBI or something?

The 1st salesman ansewers: no need he's a suicide bomber.

the second salesman sais: So if you're sure he's a suicide bomber why NOT call the FBI?

The first salesman ansewers: Because of 2 things first he IS a suicide bomber and we don't have explosives.

The second salesman sais: So, i still think we should call the FBI.

The first salesman anseweres: since he IS a suicide bomber and these guys are so stupid that he'll keep looking for the explosives untill he dies.

JohnDowe.

> > 1. Two blondes walk into a building.........you'd think at least
> one of them would have seen it.
> >
> > 2. Phone answering machine message........"If you want to buy
> marijuana, press the hash key......"
> >
> > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
> shorts. The shrink says, "well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
> >
> > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> couldn't find any.
> >
> > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
> he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks
> are too high".
> >
> > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled
> him in.
> >
> > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
> know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
> >
> > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> >
> > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
> the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it.
> >
> > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
> covered with hundreds and thousands, Police say that he topped himself.
> >
> > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
> head. Doc say "I'll give you some cream to put on it".
> >
> > 12. "Doc I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home".
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".
> > "Is it common?"
> > "It's not unusual".

Hi there.

A plastic surgeon is at a convention, and is talking to a Russian plastic surgeon, talking about breast implants, the Russian doctor tells him that they insert the breast implants through the a** as to not leave scars, the doctor is not convinced and talks to another Russian plastic surgeon, and asks about breast implant and gets the same ansewer, he asks why the a**, the Russian doctor ansewers, in Russia we do everything through the a**.

JohnDowe.

Lick
 

Mike was sitting at the bar. He ordered a drink and saw this beautiful woman sitting a few seats down. He smiles at her and she smiles back. When she was getting up from her seat to go talk to Mike another man walks up to her. Mike was caught off guard because the man wasn't a very good looking man at all. Suddenly the woman and the ugly man walked out of the bar together giggling.

The bartender brings Mike his drink. Frazzled he asked the bartender "Are those two regulars?"
The bartender looks at him and said "Well the girl is, but I have never seen the man before."
"Do you suppose their dating?"
"I don't think so, they came in at seperate times and didn't notice each other until now."
"Did you hear anything they said?" Mike asked
To which the bartender replies, "I didn't hear anything, but I did see him touch his ear with his tongue." :p

Hi there.

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference.

Don't know, don't care.

JohnDowe.

heist
 

A Daddy's Phone Call




**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**




**'Hello?'**





**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**






**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**





**After a brief pause,**






**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**





**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**




Brief Pause.








**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**








**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**







**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**







**'I did it, Daddy.'**








**'And what happened, honey?' **









'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**









**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**









**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**









**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**









**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**









**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**









*****Long Pause*****









*****Longer Pause*****









*****Even Longer Pause*****









**Then Daddy says,**









**'Swimming pool? ...........**









**Is this 486-5731?'*










**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

Two men were out golfing. They were having a good day, and were really moving along the course. On the 12th hole, they see they are going to run into a couple of women.

These women were clearly terrible golfers. They were chipping their balls along, maybe 10 - 50 yards per shot. The two men were kind of irritated about having to follow such duffers, so one turns to the other and says, "Mike, why don't you go up there and ask them if we can play through."

Mike says sure, and starts down the fairway to speak to the women. Halfway there, he stops, and turns back.

"Mike! Why didn't you ask them if we could play through?"

"I couldn't. I got partway there, and I realized one was my wife, and the other one was my mistress!"

The other golfer chuckled. "OK, I'll go ask if we can play through."

So he goes down the fairway, gets about halfway to the women, stops, and hurries back.

"All right, why didn't YOU ask them?"

He hems and haws for a minute, turning a bright cherry red, and says sheepishly, "small world, isn't it."

Three Tgirl Lovers
 

Three tgirl lovers died in a car wreck and all arrived together at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asked the first one, "How many t-girls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl lover 1: "Three."

St Peter: Fine, here are your 3 meter silver wings. You are now an angel.

St. Peter asked the second one, "How many Tgirls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl Lover 2: "At least fifty or more."

St. Peter: "Wonderful! Here are your 3 meter gold wings. You are an angel."

And St Peter asked the third one, "How many T-girls did you fuck in your lifetime?"

Tgirl Lover 3: "Well actually ...... none."

St Peter: "Well, here are your wings of 28 centimeters. You are a stupid chicken."

Voodo dick
 

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ..." said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" :lol::coupling:

An increasingly rare pleasure
 

Thanks to Randolph for supplying an increasingly rare pleasure ... a joke (see posting above) where you can't figure out the punch line before getting there.

Hi there.

Ther was this NICE, HEALTHY girl, and she had puppies on her t-shirt.

I couldn't resist and said: Nice puppies.

To this day, i'm still not sure what i meant by that...


JognDowe.

Parrot
 

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch." ;):lol:

Hi there.

Quel fruit est le meilleur a manger quand on est presse? Des peches.

A quel heure les bandits se couchent ils? towe, towe, towe.

(excuse my french, again)

JohnDowe.

Hi there.

Wayne Gretsky just finished his first book.

Next year he'll read another.


JohnDowe.

Hi there.

I had a near death experiance.

I was at heaven's gate and i saw two signs one was written men who's wife was the boss, and it had a looong line.

The other one was written men who were the boss, and there was only one man in line.

I asked the man what he did to be in this line, he said: My wife told me to wait for her here.


JohnDowe.

funny
 

Here is a good one

There is something looming... i came home from work today my wife told me to take her someplace expensive, so i took her to a gas station!.

Hi there.

Guy goes to brain fair.

Sees brains for sale.

Construction worker $2,000.

Electrician $2,500.

Lawyer $3,000.

Computer programmer $4,000.

Computer technician $5,000.

Electronic engineer $7,000.

Microprocessor designer $10,000.

then he goes to the famous people section.

Isaac Newton $100,000.

Mozart $120,000

Albert Einstein $450,000

Then through the last section women.

Housewife (no kids) $100,000

Hi society lady $120,000

Outraged the guy goes to the manager and asks him why women's brains were so much more expensive than men's especilally since housewive's work doesn't require much braon power.

The manager replies: You don't understand, the reason women's brains will alway be more expensive than men's is because they have NEVER been used.


JohnDowe.

Hi there.

A jedi was temporarily suspended from the jedi order for excessive use of the Force.

JohnDowe.

Camel?
 

A man was riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert, so the man turned to his camel.

When he tried to position himself to have sex with his camel, the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused and started running away again. So, he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said, "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you mister."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

Hi there.

Find a date on Twitter.

Hmmm, a date, from Twitter, wouldn't you expect them to be Twits?



Ok, NEVER been to Twitter, may go some day but anyway...

JohnDowe.

Hi there.

Doing business is like going to the bathroom, it ain't finished untill the paperwork's done.


JohnDowe.

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a Catholic couple has a
fatal car accident.

The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate
waiting for St. Peter to admit them. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits waiting for two months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it and all. "What if it doesn't work
out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter finally returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"
he informs the couple. "You can get married in
Heaven."

"Great," says the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take me to find a LAWYER?" :lol:;)

funny jokes
 

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

The teacher asked her class to come up with a sentence that included religion, sex and royalty.
After some time little Johnny raised his hand.
Ok Johnny what have you come up with.
Johnny said;
Oh my god the duchess is pregnant. ;)

where is god!
 

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved.

The parents were at their wits end not knowing what to do about their sons' behavior. Then the mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys. He asked to see them individually.

The 8-year-old went to meet him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD? With that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming his door and hiding himself in his closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet saying, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in B I G trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

Hi there.

I remember when i was in school, i was taught the metric system and the smallest usable units.

The smallest usable unit of weight: The gram.

The smallest usable unit of volume: The Mililiter.

The smallest usable unit of distance: The Milimeter.

The smallest usable unit of intelligence: The Military.

JohnDowe.

Two Nuns
 

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.' The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'
__________________________________________________ ______________

2 gay guys were walking in the park when they saw a dog licking its penis.

The first gay guy says to his buddy,"I bet you wish you could do that huh?"

To which his friend replies,"I don't know. I'm afraid he might bite me!"

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '." :lol::lol::lol:

Wow, Haven't heard that inna must be 30 years.

How are blondes and turtles alike?

When they're on their back, they're fucked.



What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?

All you can eat under a buck.

Why is sex like riding a bike.
 

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes. ;)

Two nuns were taking a bath together to save money in the poor nunnery.

One nun said, "Where's the soap?"

The other nun replied, "Yes, it does."............................................ ...........

............Later the two nuns were riding their bikes down a cobblestone road.

The other nun said, "I've never come this way before."...............................

.............Later, as they passed a graveyard on the way home that night, a vampire appeared.

"Quick," said the first nun, "Show him your cross." The second nun raged, "Look buster, we have had a long day and

we aren't in the mood to take any crap off of you."

Hi there.

A vampire had a night job at the blood bank.

But was fired for drinking on the job.


JohnDowe.

hahahaah:lol:

two dogs
 

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky... :lol:

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"