Late for an exam
 

At Indiana University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to drive to Indianapolis and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Bloomington until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Indianapolis to do some research at the library over the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?

Uncle Emory - Deer Hunting Camp Story
 

My uncle used to go to a deer hunting camp every fall over in East Texas. The guys would usually pair up and go out for the day. One evening Uncle Emory came in alone with a nice buck across his shoulders. While admiring the buck, one of the other hunters asked "Where's Cletus?" which was the fella who had went out with Emory.

"Oh, Cletus done had a heart attack and is laying up there dead as a doornail along the trail about 3 miles back" replied my Uncle.

"What!! You mean you left him there?" asked the man all excited.

"Well, it was kinda of a close call,"" replied Uncle Emory, "but I figured nobody would bother to steal his carcass."

Another lawyer bashing story - literally LOL
 

Legal terminology

A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove This to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"

Marriage
 

When a man marries, he gets sixteen wives-four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. :eek:

Alert! Microsoft computer program continues its reign of error.:frown:

Hi there.

Two hydrogen atoms were talking, one sais to the other:

I lost my electron.

Alarmed, the other asks:

Are you sure?

The first atom ansewers:

I'm positive.


JohnDowe.

That's 17 by my count...


JohnDowe.

Punish
 

A customer visiting a house of ill repute in Bangkok referred to the girl who trussed him up as "the Thai that binds"

"Two young women were strolling along Stuart street late one evening. They noticed two young men following them. One said, 'aren't you afraid those men are out after hours?' The other replied, 'I certainly hope so'"

OMG You know what 17 wives means dontcha?














Seventeen Mother - In - Laws:frown::frown:

No, that would mean seventeen mothers-in-law.

MILs
 

Posted: 28-JAN-09
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL?

A: Sir, we were able to save her!

Posted: 7-NOV-08
Q: What is the ideal weight for a MIL?

A: About 2.3lbs, including the urn.

Posted: 14-MAY-08
The clock fell off the wall. If it was a minute sooner, it would have hit my MIL. That clock was always slow!

Posted: 22-JUL-06
My MIL is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder!

Posted: 13-JUL-06
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my MIL." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Posted: 27-JAN-06
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".

Posted: 19-JUL-05
Q: What do you do if you miss your MIL??

A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: 24-MAR-05
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Posted: 11-FEB-05
Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered in concrete up to her shoulders?

A: Too little concrete!

Posted: 21-OCT-04
My FIL was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to my FIL's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back." My FIL replied, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Posted: 12-OCT-04
I wouldn't say that my MIL was ugly, but every time she puts on lipstick, it tries to crawl back into the tube.

Posted: 7-MAR-04
Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?

A: Take your foot off her head.

Posted: 1-NOV-03
Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?

A: Shoot her again.;)

Yah, okie dokie, but one place I checked said the correct plural was DRAGONS !!

In that you would be correct. :)

Nook e?
 

Barnes & Noble debuts Nook e-reader device.
Humm, I wonder what it looks like and how it works.;):lol:

jokes
 

A Brunette,A Redhead and A Dumb Blonde.

An evil genie captured a brunette,a redhead and a dumb blonde and banished them all to the desert for a week. The genie allowed them each to bring one thing.
The brunette brought a canteen so she wouldn't die of thirst.
The redhead brought an umbrella so she could keep the sun off.
The dumb blonde brought a car door, so if it got too hot out, she could just roll down the window.:confused:
sue b
(short&sweet)

Swearing.
 

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.


'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time
we started swearing.'


The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then
you swear after me, ok?'


'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.


'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.


She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'


'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'

Hi there.

Ever forgot a good joke and it kills you that you can't remember, well that's what has been gnawing at me for the last few weeks and...

Attachment 135753 Attachment 135754 Attachment 135755

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JohnDowe.

Hi there.

Attachment 135768 Attachment 135769



This one is:

Attachment 135770

What Seanchai wishes for.


JohnDowe.

jokes
 

HI
my new joke;;;
Why was the blonde upset when she got her drivers license ?
Because she got a F in sex.:confused:
O by the way I have the F on my license and I'm not upset.:no:
sue b
(short&sweet)

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.:yes:

The 11th husband
 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle. I'm still a virgin'..

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ... God! I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed.'

IRS agent, no doubt!

Hi there.

Good for you!


JohnDowe.

Groan
 

Subject: Halloween Costume Party.
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator.":rolleyes:

Bad Day!
 

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you find out your pregnant, and your mom is too.

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you go into the post office, come back out, get into your convertible and realize, hey I’ve never had a convertible.

You know you’ve had a bad when the cops pull you over for looking like a suspect on America’s most wanted.

You know you’ve had a bad day when you go to pick up your pay check from work and they hand you a bill.

You know you’ve had a bad when you go to church and the priest hands you a list of ins that God will forgive you for and ones he won’t.


You know you’ve had a bad day when you come home to a burning bag of shit on your front porch.

You know you've had a bad day when you find yourself standing
more then 10 minutes in an express checkout line. :lol:

You know you've had a bad day when you think your bra is on backwards
and come to find out its not.

The Duck Hunter



A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your
groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to
remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Chicago Symphony.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
piss in your eye."


:lol::lol::lol:

Little Johnny again...
 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Hi there.

A young man was looking for an appartemrnt in NY, and had limited funds to allocate to the rental of the said appartement, so he looked and looked and when he found one that was good and not too pricey, to get an even lower price he told the landlord that there were mice in the area.

The landlord ansewered; there are no mice in the area the rats ate them all, with a knowing smile.


JohnDowe.

Little Johnny after Guy Fawkes Night (5th November)
 

After Guy Fawkes Night

A teacher in class on Nov 6th asks "I hope you all enjoyed the fireworks last night, what part of the evening did you like best Jane?" Jane replied "The Catherine Wheels and the sprinklers were my favourites." Susan butted in and said, "I liked the big bonfire and when the Guy Fawkes doll was thrown onto it." "Great" the teacher replied, "who else had fun last night?" Little Johnny put up his hand and the teacher pointed to Johnny. "Well Miss I liked it best when we stuck fireworks up a dog's arse and lit them." "Rectum, Johnny, rectum." "Rectum Miss? Fuckin' blew him to pieces!"

More Johnny (sorry)
 

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

In attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

To which Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
:lol:

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

:lol::lol::lol:

Very funny! :lol:

A joke for our resident Polar Bear
 

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
bear hunting.

He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and
shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned
around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was
my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul
you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered
and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the
black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another
tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was
my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to
death or we have "rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the
grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had
his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a
tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar
bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you
don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Box Donation
 

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The married man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The married man left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The married man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

:lol::lol::lol:

new joke
 

New joke for you all;

Q. What is the best thing about a blow job ?:drool:

A. The five minutes of silence.

sue b :kiss:
(short&sweet)

There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 20km a day. One morning, he looked in the mirror to admire his body. He noticed that his body was sun-tanned all over, with the exception of his penis, which he decided to do something about.

That afternoon, he went to the beach, got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand - except for his old chap. Two old ladies came striding along the beach. Upon seeing the man's old fella sticking out of the sand, one of them began to move it around with her cane.

She remarked to the other "There really is no justice in the world".

The other lady said "What do you mean?"

The first old lady said "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I pleaded for it. When I was 50, I even paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was70, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild and my knees hurt too much to squat."
:lol:

Oops
 

After the Honeymoon...

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''
:lol:

Baked Stuffed Chicken Yum!!! Read Carfully
 

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN


6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass!! blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I couldn't cook. :)

From out of the mouth of babes......
 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"OK," the 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year old what cereal he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' ass it won't be Coco Pops."

:lol:

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours ?
SCROLL DOWN,----->












<----- SCROLL UP.







sue b:cool:

(short&sweet):kiss:

Camping
 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than a buffalo . It means someone stole the tent.'

A 17 yr old boy walks up to his dad who happens to be a minaster and says,
Dad u just got my drivers lic and i'd like to borrow the family car.
His dad replies
Well son i think you should improve on a few things like your grades and you haven't been reading the bible and your hair is to long
So his son walks away and comes back a few months later and says
I've been studing real hard and have brought up my grades and i've been reading my bible everynight so can i borrow the car?
His dad looks at him and says
Yes your grades have improved and i see you everynight reading the bible but your hair is still too long.
The son just smiles and says
Well dad in the bible Mosses had long hair as did King David and so did Jesus
The dad just looks at him and says
True but you are forgotting one thing, They all walked
:lol: Jerseygirl Jen

Marriages
 

Subject: 4 marriages



An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go" :lol:

Q. How do you make holy water ?
A.Boil the hell out of it .:rolleyes:

sue b
(short$sweet):kiss:

I love this one
 

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the cat and farted."
:lol:

waiting for op
 

just hangin around

Adult Nursery Rhymes
 

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb NFBSK!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car

A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won the Lotto?"
He says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," she replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now F** off!"
:lol::lol::lol:

Why women shouldn't take men shopping
 

Angrypostman push your keyboard aside before you read this so that you don't ruin another one.


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on hertrips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife receivedthe following letter from the local Target

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

101 Things to do at Walmart
 

101 Things to do at Walmart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him &quotI need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible &quotsex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, &quotI think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to &quot10&quot.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, &quotHi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, &quotWho BUYS this shit, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, &quotWow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move &quotCaution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly &quottest" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, &quot...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell &quothello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, &quotWhy won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, &quotRed Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from &quotMission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a &quotValet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: &quotMarco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. &quotRe-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your &quotMadonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like &quotthe fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying &quotHow could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, &quotNo, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying &quotGood girl, good bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can &quotcatch" from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. &quothi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. &quothi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, &quotWould you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., &quotDo you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a &quottest drive."

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window &quotthe British are coming"

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing &quotI'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying &quotCan I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeadeately say &quotThe clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say &quotradioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times..

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

:lol::lol::lol:

Little Johnny
 

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the lderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.


Sincerely, yours
Little Johnny

Dear Johnny,
Welcome to the real world you snot nosed brat. The reason the kid across the street got so many toys is because his old man feels guilty for molesting him everytime he comes home drunk. Meanwhile, there are many other kids around the world who don't even have a safe place to sleep, let alone enough food to eat or decent clothes to cover their sick disease-wracked bodies.
Now that you are a year older, it's about time that you realized that there really isn't no ME(Santa Claus); there ain't no Easter Bunny, tooth fairy, or pie-in-the-sky-when-you-die! What you see is what you get. You live, you die-that ain't no lie; what you do in the meanwhile is all that counts. So if you want to be an asshole, go ahead. Join the line of losers. Or you can learn to think for yourself, and figure out for yourself what it will take to make yourself a "good life". There are many "Truths" out there and some critical thinking will show you which are real and which are bullshit. So quit your bitchin' about imaginary shit and get with the program.

Stupid Actually Not There Asshole

P.S. Quit pickin on your sister. Instead of writing whiney letters, she signed up for some martial arts classes.

Christmas Time
 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known......
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

:lol::lol::lol:

simmo changed my view on christmas forever :P.,,,

a joke from the emerald isle
 

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are bloody freezing....'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of just fuckin one...?'

Early Dismissal


A "Little Johnny" story involving - guess who?



It is near the Christmas break of the school year.

The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Little Johnny
 

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!!!!...."

Exercise For People Over 50
 

This seems a little daunting to start with but if you apply yourself you may find that it's not as difficult as you think.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack.

:lol::lol::lol:

Uncle Emory strikes again
 

My uncle Emory has been known to have a drink now and then but he certainly isn't no drunk! One afternoon he was at the bar when him and another fella started discussing a possible sale of a tractor. After a time they decided to run out to the fella's farm to look at the tractor Uncle Emory was considering buying. Was no point in taking both outfits, so they hopped in the other guy's truck and off they went. After looking at the tractor and coming to an understanding, the old boy mentioned he was going catfishing that evening and bragged about what a sweet spot the hole was he had found. So off they went and had a hell of a good time as the fishin' was every bit as good as the guy said. The upshot of it was that Uncle Emory didn't get back to his 1947 Willys pickup until after midnight.

The next morning down in the coffee shop, where my Uncle always goes for breakfast, he bacame aware of some glares and frowns from a nearby table where the widow Brownston and several women church buddies were hashing over the latest gossip. Things were made clear when the Widow B made a rather loud comment about "some people being at the bar all night when it was stripper night" Once a month, the local bar would have some out of town strippers in for a night and the previous night was the night.

Uncle Emory didn't say a thing, but that evening he took his Willy's truck over and parked it in front of Widow Brownston's house where he left it all night until he picked it up around seven the next morning.

That was a good one, Jenna!!:p

Simmo, excellent! "After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack"

I Think You Are The Father Of One Of My Kids
 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching '

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

:lol::lol::lol:

Fondling In Bed
 

Fondling In Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
night, when the wife became aware that her husband was
touching her in a way he hadn?t in quite some time.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts,
touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his
hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her
stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first
one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His
gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped
abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

She whispered, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He replied, "I found the remote."

An Unhappy Husband is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.

Husband: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Husband: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

:lol::lol::lol:

another joke
 

A teacher at a TAFE College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.


:lol::lol::lol:

Why did the blonde put crackers down her panties ?

Because everything tastes better on a Ritz.

A joke from bonny Scotland
 

A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND ?
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you ?'
'Nah', Jock replied, 'I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

What did Spock find when he went to the bathroom?









The Captain's Log

A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again it manifests in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this bloke has no idea what he's talking about.
Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'

:lol::lol::lol:

My Frog Doesn`t Work
on January 16th, 2001A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: `Oral Sex` frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee!! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody`s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, `I`ll take one.`
The man packaged the frog and said, `Just follow the instructions carefully.`
The girl nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the from down `there`.

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, `If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.` So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, `I had some complaints earlier today. I`ll be right over. Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, `See, I`ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.` The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: `Listen to me! I`m only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!!

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
-------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I phoned the local builders today,
I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there.
--------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked
if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
:lol::lol::lol:

The Stuttering Cat
 

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence and was in our yard before we knew it.

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck Off', the Rottweiler ate her!

:lol::lol::lol:

short and sweet
 

he; let's make this a great weekend
she: that's a fantastic idea

he: good, we'll see each other on monday then

:lol::lol::lol:

Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
 

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.

Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Wedding Fairy:

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity
like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years
younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So, the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

:lol::lol::lol:

20 Zen Teachings
 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

:lol::lol::lol:

My Surgery
 

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife
But after several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.
I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
though rare, my condition ' Donkey Doodle ', it could be fixed
through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

:lol::lol::lol:

Florida jewels
 

Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
************************************************** ********
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
************************************************** ********
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?' He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 'So, where were you all these years?' 'In prison,' he says. 'Why did they put you in prison?' He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.' 'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single?
************************************************** ********
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes.. Yes, I will!' The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?' He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty pm.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'haemorrhoids

Here's one, it's from Peter Kay's stand up. Sounds funnier live then typed but oh well:

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ?Guess? on it. I said, Thyroid problem?"

Did you hear about Germany's new strategy for the European economic crisis?





Invade France.

That reminds me of a great Top 10 list David Letterman had back in the days when his show was consistently funny. It was something like "Top 10 Things the French are Doing to Prepare for German Reunification." One thing on the list was this:

Printing up 50 million t-shirts that read, "Don't shoot. I'm a collaborator."

Hahahahaha!

Moon
 

In a French quiz show, a contestant was asked what went around the Earth, Sun, Moon, Venus or Saturn. He didn't seem to know so the host asked the audience for a vote. The audience voted about evenly between the Sun and the Moon. Whew and I thought a lot of people in this country are stupid. I think the French probably outdid us on that one. :(

It's hard to believe that the french, of all people, have one of the most hardcore, awesome military groups ever; The French Foreign Legion. It just boggles the mind.

Although most of them aren't actually French - there's a hint in the name... :)

I know that. Only the officers are frogs.

You would be amazed at how many French nationals have joined the FFL.

My bad. Perhaps I should have said only French nationals can rise to the ranks of officer.

Still, it is amazing that the french have a badass fighting force.

What's surprising about that? You would expect that people who think Jerry Lewis is so funny would also want to wear the FFL's ridiculous hats. :)

Kepi's are awesome, so are fez's and pith helmets and the picklehaube. Your dislike of kepi's I find rather odd but the whole Jerry Lewis thing? Totally on board with that.

Their berets are rather ridiculous looking.:innocent: The flap hangs down on the left side instead of the right. The colour is pretty decent though.

A rather obvious French Foreign Legion joke, since this is the joke thread:

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

Don't fuck with old people!
 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks
'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

That is a truly great joke! :respect:

Apologies if you've heard this one:

- What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

- The wheelchair.

Oh, and FYI, let's not forget that, prior to WWII, the French had THE greatest fighting force the world had ever seen. It was the period between the great wars that saw the destruction of said army, due to bean-counters. Oh, and Rommel/Guderian and Patton studied modern tank tactics written by, you guessed it, a French general.