Oh, I am so sorry. You should have kept one eye closed while you were wacking off. The pics in the magazine weren't in stereo anyway.

Clap
 

I've no idea if this is true but I was led to believe that the slang noun 'clap' is from Old French 'clapier' = brothel or whore house, fun house or whatever the local term is. Makes sense, I guess :rolleyes:
Rgds

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Terry.

Poor Terry.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Terry quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.


He bent over to pick it up .....then all the other bells started to ring.

They were all gay except for Terry! Thanks for the biggest laugh I had this week!:lol:

I don't get the joke here!
 

Damn, I have looked at the joke sideways and upside down and...nothing!

Have tried differant meaning of the words tank and drive......nothing.

Anybody got an explanation for this one?

Meanwhile .............................

Mr. Turklebacher is in his back yard and looking over the fence he observes the neighbors little girl Maggie filling in a 3 foot hole.

"Whatcha doing there, little Maggie?" he asked.

With a tear in her eye, Little Maggie sniffed, "Oh, my goldfish died this morning, and I was giving him a proper burial."

Mr Turklebacher said, "Oh, I'm so sorry......... Ummmm............Isn't that an awful big hole for a little goldfish?

"Oh," said little Maggie, "That's because he's inside your f**king cat!!"

I think it has to do with the expression, 'drunk as a fish.'

goldfish joke
 

Perhaps he meant driving a Tank(an armored combat vehicle) as a mild joke? :rolleyes:

It tickles my imagination, but fails to evoke any laughter!
Or if seen from your "son of satan" standpoint, :p

Perhaps the two goldfishes were trying to decide who will fuck whom?

Best Comeback Line Ever!!!
 

An article taken from the Washington Post titled "Best Comeback Line Ever".

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to [Lawrence] and he's just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn ... is it midnight already?'":lol:

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....



2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic
devastates parts of Asia

-------------------------------------------------------------

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza
decimates Australian racing

-------------------------------------------------------------

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic
kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

-------------------------------------------------------------

It gets worse........

------------------------------------------------------------

next year......

-------------------------------------------------------------

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go
wrong? :eek:

Sounds like a doomsday prophecy to me
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

:lol: Depends on if you are a pessamist and believer in trends. Or -- if you are a believer in Armegeddon/end of the world stuff, then this would be just one of a long list of calamities to come. Perhaps we are looking at the mutation of one of the many infections of the penis to where it becomes a world wide epidemic. :eek: :(


Ok so I googled this and found

2008 is the Year of the Rat
2009 is the Year of the Ox
2010 is the Year of the Tiger
2011 is the Year of the Hare (rabbit)
2012 is the Year of the Dragon
2013 is the Year of the Snake
2014 is the Year of the Horse
2015 is the Year of the Ram (sheep, goat)
2016 is the Year of the Monkey
2017 is the Year of the Rooster
2018 is the Year of the Dog
2019 is the Year of the Pig (Boar

Looks to me like you perhaps did a bit of manipulation to fit your data.

Chinese calendar joke
 

That was bloody Brilliant!:respect:

What will he be
 

Subject: What Will He Be?

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them
in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one,
his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut
fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only
pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
proceeded to shove two Fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

Not a joke, but it made me laugh. Can't remember where it came from.

Latest International News

Two bored morgue attendants got the shock of their lives in Havana recently.

It seems they were playing chess late into their night shift. A corpse suddenly sat up, reached over and moved a bishop to Queen 7 establishing a checkmate. The brainy corpse then laid back down. Despite the efforts to revive it, it remained quite still.

In a magnanimous gesture the chess player, despite the fact there are no rules concerning a cadaver assisting with your game, decided the match a draw. Said his opponent of the corpse, "Sure he looked ugly, real ugly, but he sure looked like he knew what he was doing".

A candle light vigil was held for the anonymous stiff in honour of his brilliant strategy.

Hi there.

Guy at surplus store sees this guy looking and looking but didn't seem to find waht he was looking for, as he is about to go to him to try to help him, he comes to him.

Looking nervously around as if to see if he was being followed, he asked the salesman: where are the explosives?

The salesman anseweres: Oh, em, isle C4.

The nervous guy goes there and looks and looks.

Another salesman comes up to his co worker and sais: I think that he's a terrorist, shouldn't we call the FBI or something?

The 1st salesman ansewers: no need he's a suicide bomber.

the second salesman sais: So if you're sure he's a suicide bomber why NOT call the FBI?

The first salesman ansewers: Because of 2 things first he IS a suicide bomber and we don't have explosives.

The second salesman sais: So, i still think we should call the FBI.

The first salesman anseweres: since he IS a suicide bomber and these guys are so stupid that he'll keep looking for the explosives untill he dies.

JohnDowe.

> > 1. Two blondes walk into a building.........you'd think at least
> one of them would have seen it.
> >
> > 2. Phone answering machine message........"If you want to buy
> marijuana, press the hash key......"
> >
> > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
> shorts. The shrink says, "well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
> >
> > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> couldn't find any.
> >
> > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
> he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks
> are too high".
> >
> > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled
> him in.
> >
> > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
> know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
> >
> > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> >
> > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
> the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it.
> >
> > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
> covered with hundreds and thousands, Police say that he topped himself.
> >
> > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
> head. Doc say "I'll give you some cream to put on it".
> >
> > 12. "Doc I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home".
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".
> > "Is it common?"
> > "It's not unusual".

Hi there.

A plastic surgeon is at a convention, and is talking to a Russian plastic surgeon, talking about breast implants, the Russian doctor tells him that they insert the breast implants through the a** as to not leave scars, the doctor is not convinced and talks to another Russian plastic surgeon, and asks about breast implant and gets the same ansewer, he asks why the a**, the Russian doctor ansewers, in Russia we do everything through the a**.

JohnDowe.

Lick
 

Mike was sitting at the bar. He ordered a drink and saw this beautiful woman sitting a few seats down. He smiles at her and she smiles back. When she was getting up from her seat to go talk to Mike another man walks up to her. Mike was caught off guard because the man wasn't a very good looking man at all. Suddenly the woman and the ugly man walked out of the bar together giggling.

The bartender brings Mike his drink. Frazzled he asked the bartender "Are those two regulars?"
The bartender looks at him and said "Well the girl is, but I have never seen the man before."
"Do you suppose their dating?"
"I don't think so, they came in at seperate times and didn't notice each other until now."
"Did you hear anything they said?" Mike asked
To which the bartender replies, "I didn't hear anything, but I did see him touch his ear with his tongue." :p

Hi there.

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference.

Don't know, don't care.

JohnDowe.

heist
 

A Daddy's Phone Call




**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**




**'Hello?'**





**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**






**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**





**After a brief pause,**






**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**





**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**




Brief Pause.








**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**








**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**







**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**







**'I did it, Daddy.'**








**'And what happened, honey?' **









'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**









**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**









**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**









**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**









**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**









**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**









*****Long Pause*****









*****Longer Pause*****









*****Even Longer Pause*****









**Then Daddy says,**









**'Swimming pool? ...........**









**Is this 486-5731?'*










**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

Two men were out golfing. They were having a good day, and were really moving along the course. On the 12th hole, they see they are going to run into a couple of women.

These women were clearly terrible golfers. They were chipping their balls along, maybe 10 - 50 yards per shot. The two men were kind of irritated about having to follow such duffers, so one turns to the other and says, "Mike, why don't you go up there and ask them if we can play through."

Mike says sure, and starts down the fairway to speak to the women. Halfway there, he stops, and turns back.

"Mike! Why didn't you ask them if we could play through?"

"I couldn't. I got partway there, and I realized one was my wife, and the other one was my mistress!"

The other golfer chuckled. "OK, I'll go ask if we can play through."

So he goes down the fairway, gets about halfway to the women, stops, and hurries back.

"All right, why didn't YOU ask them?"

He hems and haws for a minute, turning a bright cherry red, and says sheepishly, "small world, isn't it."

Three Tgirl Lovers
 

Three tgirl lovers died in a car wreck and all arrived together at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asked the first one, "How many t-girls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl lover 1: "Three."

St Peter: Fine, here are your 3 meter silver wings. You are now an angel.

St. Peter asked the second one, "How many Tgirls did you fuck in your life?"

Tgirl Lover 2: "At least fifty or more."

St. Peter: "Wonderful! Here are your 3 meter gold wings. You are an angel."

And St Peter asked the third one, "How many T-girls did you fuck in your lifetime?"

Tgirl Lover 3: "Well actually ...... none."

St Peter: "Well, here are your wings of 28 centimeters. You are a stupid chicken."

Voodo dick
 

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ..." said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" :lol::coupling:

An increasingly rare pleasure
 

Thanks to Randolph for supplying an increasingly rare pleasure ... a joke (see posting above) where you can't figure out the punch line before getting there.

Hi there.

Ther was this NICE, HEALTHY girl, and she had puppies on her t-shirt.

I couldn't resist and said: Nice puppies.

To this day, i'm still not sure what i meant by that...


JognDowe.

Parrot
 

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch." ;):lol:

Hi there.

Quel fruit est le meilleur a manger quand on est presse? Des peches.

A quel heure les bandits se couchent ils? towe, towe, towe.

(excuse my french, again)

JohnDowe.

Hi there.

Wayne Gretsky just finished his first book.

Next year he'll read another.


JohnDowe.

Hi there.

I had a near death experiance.

I was at heaven's gate and i saw two signs one was written men who's wife was the boss, and it had a looong line.

The other one was written men who were the boss, and there was only one man in line.

I asked the man what he did to be in this line, he said: My wife told me to wait for her here.


JohnDowe.

funny
 

Here is a good one

There is something looming... i came home from work today my wife told me to take her someplace expensive, so i took her to a gas station!.

Hi there.

Guy goes to brain fair.

Sees brains for sale.

Construction worker $2,000.

Electrician $2,500.

Lawyer $3,000.

Computer programmer $4,000.

Computer technician $5,000.

Electronic engineer $7,000.

Microprocessor designer $10,000.

then he goes to the famous people section.

Isaac Newton $100,000.

Mozart $120,000

Albert Einstein $450,000

Then through the last section women.

Housewife (no kids) $100,000

Hi society lady $120,000

Outraged the guy goes to the manager and asks him why women's brains were so much more expensive than men's especilally since housewive's work doesn't require much braon power.

The manager replies: You don't understand, the reason women's brains will alway be more expensive than men's is because they have NEVER been used.


JohnDowe.

Hi there.

A jedi was temporarily suspended from the jedi order for excessive use of the Force.

JohnDowe.

Camel?
 

A man was riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert, so the man turned to his camel.

When he tried to position himself to have sex with his camel, the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused and started running away again. So, he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said, "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you mister."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

Hi there.

Find a date on Twitter.

Hmmm, a date, from Twitter, wouldn't you expect them to be Twits?



Ok, NEVER been to Twitter, may go some day but anyway...

JohnDowe.

Hi there.

Doing business is like going to the bathroom, it ain't finished untill the paperwork's done.


JohnDowe.

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a Catholic couple has a
fatal car accident.

The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate
waiting for St. Peter to admit them. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits waiting for two months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it and all. "What if it doesn't work
out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter finally returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"
he informs the couple. "You can get married in
Heaven."

"Great," says the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take me to find a LAWYER?" :lol:;)

funny jokes
 

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

The teacher asked her class to come up with a sentence that included religion, sex and royalty.
After some time little Johnny raised his hand.
Ok Johnny what have you come up with.
Johnny said;
Oh my god the duchess is pregnant. ;)

where is god!
 

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved.

The parents were at their wits end not knowing what to do about their sons' behavior. Then the mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys. He asked to see them individually.

The 8-year-old went to meet him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD? With that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming his door and hiding himself in his closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet saying, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in B I G trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

Hi there.

I remember when i was in school, i was taught the metric system and the smallest usable units.

The smallest usable unit of weight: The gram.

The smallest usable unit of volume: The Mililiter.

The smallest usable unit of distance: The Milimeter.

The smallest usable unit of intelligence: The Military.

JohnDowe.

Two Nuns
 

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.' The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'
__________________________________________________ ______________

2 gay guys were walking in the park when they saw a dog licking its penis.

The first gay guy says to his buddy,"I bet you wish you could do that huh?"

To which his friend replies,"I don't know. I'm afraid he might bite me!"

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '." :lol::lol::lol:

Wow, Haven't heard that inna must be 30 years.

How are blondes and turtles alike?

When they're on their back, they're fucked.



What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?

All you can eat under a buck.

Why is sex like riding a bike.
 

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes. ;)

Two nuns were taking a bath together to save money in the poor nunnery.

One nun said, "Where's the soap?"

The other nun replied, "Yes, it does."............................................ ...........

............Later the two nuns were riding their bikes down a cobblestone road.

The other nun said, "I've never come this way before."...............................

.............Later, as they passed a graveyard on the way home that night, a vampire appeared.

"Quick," said the first nun, "Show him your cross." The second nun raged, "Look buster, we have had a long day and

we aren't in the mood to take any crap off of you."

Hi there.

A vampire had a night job at the blood bank.

But was fired for drinking on the job.


JohnDowe.

hahahaah:lol:

two dogs
 

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky... :lol:

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

snow plows!
 

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Massachusetts is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Massachusetts!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??

Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 38" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Massachusetts!!!!

Two vampires are in a bar when the waiter asks them what they'd like to drink. The first vampire says, "I'll have some blood mixed with vodka." The second vampire says, "I'll just have some hot water please." Puzzled, his friend says, "Dude, we're vampires. We don't drink water." The second vampire pulls out a bloody tampon, dabs it in the water and replies with a grin, "I know. I'm making tea."

Oh gross! Reminds me of biker "red wings"

Got a laugh out of DSL's "snow story". It could of been set in Wyoming except that here the wind blows, and fills your driveway in with a snowdrift 12 feet high.

What is that? I take it that it is not some kind of spicy chicken recipie...:(

The Irish have the best jokes!
 

Walking into the pub, Mike O'Malley said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

Kellogg's "Plain Facts"
 

While not a "joke" per se, I thought many here would get a laugh or two out of this text entitled "Plain Facts for Old and Young" by John Harvey Kellogg, MD. Yes, that is the "Kellogg" of "Kellogg's Cereal." It was written in 1881 and while we may find it amusing today--people back then, sadly, took its advice quite seriously.

I was browsing through it and found sections on "Electricity" and "Sounding." So Kellogg was into "electrical play"! Who knew! I'll bet you won't think about "Corn Flakes" the same way ever again! :p

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/19924...-h/19924-h.htm

Hi there.

What are the 3 most popular GAY ISLAMIC organisations?


Alkeida, Hesbola & the Talliban. (Not sure about the spelling)


I wrote it as a JOKE, but i have never seen any of the leaders with a woman, they are alone in the desert for months and months without women, the ISLAMIC RELIGION says that anything not hetero sexual is evil and sick, so they hate themselves, and transpose that hate to all others and voila terrorists that want to save the world from sence, intelligence and tolerance, also when suicide bombers attack they usually kill a few of the ones they want to kill, but they also kill a lot of their own people, and i noticed that there are almost always a few women, but never children, so i believe that they also hate women, and do their best to also kill women, but no kids when they blow themselves up.

I cannot say for sure that they are gay, but it does explain pretty much everything, additionally, since the begining of terrorism, it (terrorism) has never accomplish any of their goals ever, the only thing that it does is kill people, a few of their enemies and a lot of their own people, NOTHING ELSE.

REMEMBER 9/11?


JohnDowe.

I remember reading a study somewhere that said that men who masturbate more often have healthier sperm because the sperm spends alot less time in the body and doesn't degrade as much compared to people who store up their loads.

New Stud Rooster
 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . . look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Hi there.

Why did the banker always brought his dates into the vault?


He wanted to practice safe sex.

JohnDowe.

My old Uncle Emory, who lives down in East Texas, has a nice little grapefruit farm near a collage. One day he heard a lot of giggling coming from the pond he has over by one of his orchards. He grabbed a bucket and headed over there. When he got over near there, he discovered a group of young ladies skinny-dipping in his pond. Upon seeing him, they all swam to the far end and remained mostly submerged. My uncle moseyed over to the pond and sat his bucket down and just stood there with a look of surprise.

One called out to him, "We are not coming out till you leave!"

He replied, "Oh. I am just an old fart, and not interested in that sort of thing!"

He continued, "........I am just here to feed the alligators."

That's my Uncle Em for ya.

Purdue Jokes
 

If you are not a "Boilermaker," simply change the name to your "favorite" alma mater! Enjoy! :cool:

Q: Do you know why the Purdue University football team should change its name to the "Possums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do you call a Purdue player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: How many Purdue students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Two Purdue University fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking his penis like dogs do.
The first Purdue fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The second Purdue fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."
The first Purdue fan asks, "Why not?"
The second Purdue fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Purdue Boilermakers?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Purdue joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Purdue grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Purdue grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Purdue grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Purdue University library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q. What did the Purdue graduate say his first day on the job?
A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Hi there.

Attachment 127844

A little something from Bill Ward.

JohnDowe.

Uncle Emory again
 

Uncle Emory had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

When Uncle Emory got there he went up to the Sign in desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. Mr Emory Katz. And it says you want to want to see the doctor about impotence, right?" The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the my very embarrassed uncle.

Uncle Emory recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... But... I don't want the same doctor that botched yours!"

Uncle Emory in the Army
 

Years ago my Uncle Emory was in the Army. The squad was on their first training exercises and were all sleeping out in pup tents with two men in each tent.
After the first night out, the squad was called into formation for muster the next morning. One soldier looked like hell; his eyes were bloodshot and he could hardly keep them open. It turned out that his tent mate snored so loudly that the man couldn't get any sleep.

After several remedies had been tried and all failed, the sergant decided that all the members of the squad would take turns sharing a tent with Bob, the awful snorer. And every day Bob's tent mate would look like hell from not getting any sleep.

The day after Uncle Emory's turn, he appeared at the morning muster looking bright eyed and rarin' to go, while it was Bob who looked like hell.

The segent asked him how this came to be. Uncle Emory explained that when they hit the sack the night before, he tucked Bob into his bedroll, patted his butt, and kissed him goodnight. Bob never closed his eyes for a second the whole night.

And of course Uncle Emory was promoted to corporal and squad leader right away.

Uncle Emory and the lawyer
 

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by my Uncle Emory. Uncle Emory's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. Uncle Emory claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the Uncle Emory showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and although Uncle Emory was hesitant the whole way, finally Uncle Emory agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After Uncle Emory had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling Uncle Emory, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

Uncle Emory replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie says:
'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!' :eek:;):lol:

Well, heard a version of the newfie joke before but had never heard the term "newfie." So off to Google I goes and now I knows what de newfie iz. And who sez jokes izn't eddycational.

Hi there.

A Newfie, is a Newfoundleander, and some of them speak with a thick accent which is sometimes hard to understand, and people started to make fun of their accents, and then they went to say they were "less evolved" and hence the Newfie jokes, it is similar to blonde jokes.

JohnDowe.

Uncle Emory goes golfing
 

Uncle Emory goes fishing
 

Now you remember my Uncle Emory Katz who has the grapefruit farm with the alligator pond on it? Well, every once in a while Emory gets an urge to go catfishing down in the Delta Country of Lousianna.
One Friday he loaded up his jon boat and hitched the trailer to his 1963 Studebaker truck and off he went to spend the weekend fishing.
After a successful week, he headed back only to be pulled over by a small town cop at the end of the bridge by Waterston. Now this big old boy informed my Uncle that he had clocked him doing 63 in a 55 mph zone. When Uncle Em asked him if he could pay the fine by check, the cop looked over the beat up old truck and boat and asked Emory if he had a job and if his check was any good.

Uncle Emory answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Uncle Em's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied my uncle.
"What did you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!", repeated Uncle Em.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Uncle Emory explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
My Uncle Emory Katz nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

When Uncle Em was a young man.......
 

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago as a young man, my Uncle Emory was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise Uncle Emory got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could Emory leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried.
'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for Uncle Emory, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
My Uncle Emory looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!'

Hi there.

Very good one.


Your uncle Em is quite the character, isn't he.


JohnDowe.

Horny old dawg
 

Yup! He sure is!

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Galveston, Texas. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried.

"No, I live on my Grapefruit Farm up in East Texas. I am down here visiting my daughter," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, Uncle Em dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life. After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

Uncle Emory replied...... "How did you know my name was Katz?"

A Jewish kid goes up to his dad and asks him,"Dad! Can I have 20 bucks?" The dad exclaims "20 bucks! I don't have 15 bucks! Where am I gonna 10 bucks??"

A polar bear walks into a bar and sits down. He says to the bartender "I'll have a scotch and..........soda."

The bartender says, "Why the long pause?"

The polar bear answers, "I don't know. I was born with them."

Coyote Population

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the
tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.


What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta
Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta
Government and the Alberta Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you
understand our problem.

Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep.....they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter! :lol:

Hi there.

About the castration of the wolfs, in the wolf pack only the alpha male mates, not the others, nature's way of enduring that only the strongest survive, so if they castrated all the wolves in the pack exept the alpha male, the problem would NOT be solved, great idea, don't you think?

JohnDowe.

Interesting point, your probably right. If the alpha male was castrated then a weaker male would take over. If this was done over time the pack may become extinct.

Subject: apple



> Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
> store and play music.
>
>
>
> The iTiT will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker
> size. This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because
> women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and
> not listening to them.

:lol:;)

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Well hung
 

There was a young man in the Army who was so well- endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Army doctors and one Armey nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it."
They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems. The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds. :lol:

Uncle Emory as a boy
 

Many years ago when my Uncle Emory was a boy, he worked on a timber crew. After work, they often took a skinny dip in the lake to cool off. One day after their swim, while they were standing around waiting to dry off before putting on their clothes, they were surprised. A group of ladies from the Baptist Church Ladies Auxiliary had come upon them and all the guys quickly covered their privates as they run into the trees for cover. All...... except Emory who covered his face. Once they were in the woods, they all thought it was funny that he did so, and asked him why.

"Well," he said, "If I was to encounter one of these ladies in town, she wouldn't recognize me with my pants on while she is sure to recognize any of you."

But then as it turned out, one of the more adventurous ladies did recognize him later. But that is another story.....

Little Maggie Revisited
 

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when little Maggie stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

Hi there.

Not too long ago i was walkng on a commercial street nearby to where i live and saw all those cop cars and vans in front of this restaurant, there had to be at least 20, i was sure there was a massacre and maby even some dead cops, but when i got there i saw why the cops were there; free donuts.

Based on true events.


JohnDowe.

Hi there.

Attachment 132211

Attachment 132212

Attachment 132213

Attachment 132214


Yes i know, the third one is Stewie from family guy.

JohnDowe.

old lady and the dildo
 

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The sales clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou t twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'

She then asks: ' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ssunoooffabbitch offffff??

Itchy bits


A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the Groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.

A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

'How's that?'

'Well, it's a lot better actually, but... it's still there.'

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

'How's that?' he asks again more confident.

'That's wonderful! What did you do?'

'I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.'

You need to show where your affections lie and go dressed as a streetwalker. Dare ya!

Here's Little Johnny
 

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob". ;)

How about this one? :lol:

Blonde joke
 

The Blonde on the shore

One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake she spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.
She cupped her hands together and shouted "how do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "You are on the other side!":lol:
sue b
(short& sweet):kiss:

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to getmarried".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

Q: Why couldn't the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl?
A: There was a restraining order.

Blonde Hurts
 

A brunette goes to the doctor,and says,"doctor I'm hurting all over my body."
"That's odd ",replied the doctor, " show me what you mean."
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain.
She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says "you're not a natural brunette are you?
"no I'm ablonde" she replies.
I thought so ...your finger is broken,replies the doctor.:lol:
sue b
(short&sweet)

Oops
 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Funny joke there, Randolph! Been a few real situations around here like that, and you know how the story gets around in small towns. lol

Lawyers
 

A successful litigation lawyer parked his brand-new Llamborghini in front of his office to show his colleagues. As he was getting out, a passing truck tore off the door! He grabbed his cellphone, dialed 911, and a cop was there in 3 minutes. When the cop arrived to ask questions, he couldn't get a word in as the lawyer was yelling wildly.

"I just picked up this Llamborghini an hour ago! No matter how good a repair job, the car will never be the same!"

When the legal beagle finally ran out of steam, the cop shook his head. "Man, you lawyers are materialistic bozos!", he said, "you're so focused on your car you didn't notice anything else?"

The lawyer jumped all around the car, frantically checking it."What?! There's even more damage to the car?! Where?! Where?!", he yelled.

The officer replied, "Notice anything missing?"

"What?! What?! Robbery too?!"

'Your left arm!"

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex?!" :lol: