To Hell with all of It

[Bionca]

This thought has been rumbling around in my mind since November. The observation of the TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance) was covered, obviously, by the online Trans* communities. The Feminist and Gay/Lesbian bloggers were also very active, and also with reporting the stories memorialized on that day. Namely the Trans* women last year who were killed by anti-trans violence.

Where were the "Admirers"? Where were the guys who oggle bodies like mine? Where were the guys who make money off of bodies like mine? Where were the guys who love/date/fuck/lust after gals like me? To the best of my knowledge, they were silent - quiet while they "hunted" or cashed their checks.

Men are willing to go online to cry about how gawd awful it would be if their friends found out, they take great pains to point out their heterosexuality, they are willing to make "Shemale" porn quite profitable, they are more than happy to reduce me and mine to the sum total of our parts. But when one of us is harmed, we can't count on them - they evaporate like fog by mid-day.

Once again a friend of mine was sexually assulted by a man she thought was "swell". Once again someone I know is afraid of how the authorities will react, so she is silent and ashamed. Once again, the first reaction from people who know is to ask if the guy knew her status (because we all know that Trans*women love to pull that surprise *rolleyes*). Maybe men have too much invested in keeping us a dirty secret.

[The Conquistador]

A certain amount of ignorance on some peoples part; Until now, I didn't know there was a TDOR. Just my 2 cents.

[transjen]

I hear you and know where you are coming from, But sadly from my experience that most of our so called admirers are closet admirers and will turn on a dime when there friends who think picking on a Tgirl is fair game they will join in on the jears just so there macho friends won't think less of them. Why do you think so many of them post threads asking if they are gay Jennifer

[liesjeversteven]

If I read about such atrocities I'm ashamed to be a part of the human race. Our current society claims to be openminded, and then something like this happens (quite often apparently) and nobody even blinks an eyelid. One wonders if evolution leads to anything. Why can't people just live and let live?
My heart goes out to you, your friend and everybody who's had to experience such a thing. I still hope better times will come.

Love

Liesje

Well, if I'm honest, I didnt know about this 'day'. It wasnt particuarly well broadcasted by the media in the UK and wasnt really mentioned on here (although maybe I was away on that day?)

That said, why should TG/TV/TS girls need just one day? To give these girls a 'day' would be to objectify them. I dont mean this in a deragotry term, but said girls are no more special than the rest of us. We're all human.

If only everyone in the world could agree...

[randolph]

Dear Bionca,
If I had one wish for the human race, it would be to make everyone a hermaphrodite.
Maybe that would resolve this whole identity mess.

[Bionca]

Originally Posted by CuriousJim

Well, if I'm honest, I didnt know about this 'day'. It wasnt particuarly well broadcasted by the media in the UK and wasnt really mentioned on here (although maybe I was away on that day?)

That said, why should TG/TV/TS girls need just one day? To give these girls a 'day' would be to objectify them. I dont mean this in a deragotry term, but said girls are no more special than the rest of us. We're all human.

If only everyone in the world could agree...

It is a day to remember the gals over the past year who died because there wre Trans. They died at the hands of intimate partners, cruel strangers, and even by neglect from medical staff. The guys who murder these women get absurdly light sentences. Last year on average 2 Trans*women were murdered each month.

Funny that the second a new photoshoot on LB69 comes out there is a post about it. But the guys who make a living promoting sex with gals like me can't be bothered to take 5 minutes to let their subscribers know. The guys who blog about Shemele sex videos can't be bothered to shut down their sites for 24 hours in memory, can't be bothered to even know that the day exists.

The TDOR isn't some sort of "happy to be a tranny day" - it's a memorial that gets overlooked by the ones most likely to be able to do something about it.

[Bionca]

Originally Posted by transjen

I hear you and know where you are coming from, But sadly from my experience that most of our so called admirers are closet admirers and will turn on a dime when there friends who think picking on a Tgirl is fair game they will join in on the jears just so there macho friends won't think less of them. Why do you think so many of them post threads asking if they are gay Jennifer

100% exactly correct.

[smc]

I had never heard of TDOR until now, but I have just bookmarked the website about it so that I can keep track of when events will be happening in 2009.

www.transgenderdor.org

I pledge that I will be as public about observing this as I am when I attend the National Day of Mourning in Plymouth, Massachusetts each Thanksgiving morning with my friends and comrades from the local Native American community.

I pledge to march in a vigil with my head high, if such a vigil happens, and I don't care who sees me.

I pledge to support the TDOR in any way I can.

[javabox]

Originally Posted by Bionca

This thought has been rumbling around in my mind since November. The observation of the TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance) was covered, obviously, by the online Trans* communities. The Feminist and Gay/Lesbian bloggers were also very active, and also with reporting the stories memorialized on that day. Namely the Trans* women last year who were killed by anti-trans violence.

Where were the "Admirers"? Where were the guys who oggle bodies like mine? Where were the guys who make money off of bodies like mine? Where were the guys who love/date/fuck/lust after gals like me? To the best of my knowledge, they were silent - quiet while they "hunted" or cashed their checks.

These are really good points. Maybe a turn this thread could take would be toward the topic of what people - admirers, profiteers, whoever - could have done. I mean, concrete, specific, things - for the sake of the next TDOR, and every day until then. Because I will wager that many of us have no idea - zero, zilch. And I'll wager further that many, if they had some idea, would still do nothing .... but that some would ...

[randolph]

Number of Deaths per State (38 states - 138 cities)
State Deaths Total Cities
*California 55 27
New York 36 9
Florida 20 12
Texas 19 6
Georgia 15 5
Pennsylvania 15 5
Tennessee 13 3
*District of Columbia 11 1
Ohio 9 5
Illinois 8 2
Massachusetts 8 4
*New Jersey 7 6
Alabama 7 5
Michigan 6 5
*Maryland 5 2
*Hawaii 4 3
Arizona 4 2
*Colorado 4 4
*Connecticut 3 3
Iowa 3 3

[lebguy]

I knew about TDOR back in november when you mentioned it and I read (and still reading) those stories about the girls being killed. For those who don't know, the girl in my avatar is Angie Zapata, a girl killed by a guy who said he didn't know she was a transexual and what's worse is that this guy was found guilty on a second degree murder.

For me in my country there is no TDOR, it's still somehow taboo talking about Tgirls although we didn't have any murder case where a Tgirl was the victime. I think I will participate in the TDOR by writing about it in my blog.

Bionca, selfish people will always turn their back to you when you need them and when they should be supporting you. These few months back made me realize who are my real friends and who aren't and believe from all my friends I could pick just 4 who real deserve to be called friends and who are there whenever I needed them, so I am not shocked for guys not to show up on the TDOR. For some people, if there is no return for them from something they wouldn't be concerned.

[randolph]

Transgender Beating Victim Found Dead in North Memphis

By BIANCA PHILLIPS
Memphis police identified the body of transgender woman Duanna Johnson lying in the street near Hollywood and Staten Avenue early this morning.

Police believe Johnson was shot some time before midnight on Sunday. No suspects are in custody at this time.

Johnson was the victim of a Memphis police brutality case this summer when a video of former officer Bridges McRae beating her in a jail holding area was released to the media.

The video led to the eventual firing of McRae and Officer James Swain. It also led to the formation of a Stop Police Brutality Memphis, a coalition of human rights activists who lobbied the city council for more sensitivity training for Memphis Police officers.

A statement from the Mid-South Peace and Justice Center: "Duanna bravely confronted the Memphis Police Department officers who brutalized her while she was in police custody. At great personal cost, Duanna was the public face of our community's campaign against racism, homophobia, and transphobia. There was no justice for Duanna Johnson in life. The Mid-South Peace & Justice Center calls for justice in the investigation and prosecution of Duanna's murder."

For more on Johnson's beating, read the Flyer story. --Bianca Phillips
Date created: 11/10/2008
URL for this story: http://www.memphisflyer.com/memphis/Content?oid=51706

I will post these as I find them.

[CreativeMind]

Originally Posted by Bionca

Once again a friend of mine was sexually assulted by a man she thought was "swell". Once again someone I know is afraid of how the authorities will react, so she is silent and ashamed. Once again, the first reaction from people who know is to ask if the guy knew her status (because we all know that Trans*women love to pull that surprise *rolleyes*). Maybe men have too much invested in keeping us a dirty secret.

Wait, I'm confused. When you say "once again" are you referring to an all-new incident that literally just happened or are you referring to your friend (and incident) that you shared with us a while back -- the one where your friend was assaulted, but her boyfriend was out of town at the time and couldn't be found, but then he raced to be back at her side, etc. I'm just trying to get what happened here clear in my head as a starting point.

And sadly, if you are referring to yet another all-new assault, then I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that all of our prayers go out to your friend right now as she tries to recover.

[fatbloke]

I don't really believe what i am reading here,a transexual day of rememberance,ok,what about all the true female or for that matter male prostitutes who get fucked then brutalised,a day of rememberance for them?Kids at school who get beaten and bullied then take their own lives,a day of rememberance for them,regular girls who go out on dates with guys who they thought were swell,who get beaten and raped,a special day for them.What makes you so special...

[Creedence]

Society has come a long way in terms of acceptance and tolerance but sadly it still has a sizable bridge to cross before the trans community along with the gay and lesbian community is fully accepted.

People will always be skeptical, ignorant and worst of all, hateful towards people who's lifestyles differ from what they see as normal.

I can understand you're anger and frustration, the way trans women have been exploited and treated is sickening. The lack of care by the callous media is wrong.

I'm optimistic though that someday women like you Bionca will be fully accepted in this world. It may or may not happen in my lifetime but it will happen and its because of the strength of the women who lived and died just to be themselves.

[SweetCharmer]

right. to some of what bloke says i agree in the sense that in the whole picture transgender people being raped and killed is no different from any other woman or man being killed. no one is of higher importance here we're all the same we're human and that's what matters. not that a transgender, woman or man has been killed the fact that a human life was taken BY another human is bad enough. and also look at it this way: rememberence day for the world wars happens one day of the year and you only give 1 minute of silence..one minute for millions of peoples lives that were taken seems bad but nevertheless we have that one minute of silence and after it we go back to our normal lives and mostly forget about the day until it comes back.
its the same about TDOR you give your silence of rememberence and then go back to their lives. from what i gathered it seems like you want us to make a shrine to it all year round now i'm not looking for a fight o anything its just my take on this whole thread

[Amy]

This is a VERY good point - we SHOULD get more places OUTSIDE our own communities to recognise TDOR. Ideally, yes, some of the high profile TG porn sites, but that's unlikely. They're just in it for the money. That'd only happen if we took control of a larger chunk of the industry.
I *DO* however think that sites like THIS ONE ought to make a bigger deal of it. Possibly reskinning for a day, and posting news of some of the worst things to happen in the previous year. To get the message across of just what is suffered by those whom subscribers here so "admire".

[smc]

Originally Posted by fatbloke

ok,what about all the true female or for that matter male prostitutes who get fucked then brutalised

What the fuck makes you so special,how dare you think the whole world revolves around you.

It sure is difficult to pretend that words like those fatbloke uses haven't been screamed by some hateful, self-righteous asshole as he works over his victim and creates a new person to remember on TDOR.

[fatbloke]

Originally Posted by smc

It sure is difficult to pretend that words like those fatbloke uses haven't been screamed by some hateful, self-righteous asshole as he works over his victim and creates a new person to remember on TDOR.

Did you actually read what i said?

[smc]

Originally Posted by fatbloke

Did you actually read what i said?

I read every word of what you wrote, more than once. Call me all the names you want. It will not change the fact that you, in essence, state that one victimized group cannot or should not have its own "holy quest" (your arrogant words) because there are other victims in the world.

You claim to have the "biggest respect for" the TS girls on the site who have written stories about their "relationships" with guys who have said the very same sorts of things as you -- just before treating them with the very antithesis of that respect.

I stand by every word I wrote in response to your earlier post.

[fatbloke]

Originally Posted by smc

I read every word of what you wrote, more than once. Call me all the names you want. It will not change the fact that you, in essence, state that one victimized group cannot or should not have its own "holy quest" (your arrogant words) because there are other victims in the world.

You claim to have the "biggest respect for" the TS girls on the site who have written stories about their "relationships" with guys who have said the very same sorts of things as you -- just before treating them with the very antithesis of that respect.

I stand by every word I wrote in response to your earlier post.

No,i think the only problem is that i have a different opinion.Saying that what i have said automaticly makes me the sort of person that would beat and abuse a transexual person seems to me that you are attacking me for the very reason that my opinion is different.Seems to me that, did the same thing happened to people in nazi germany,stalinist russia,china,cambodia,these are very extreme examples i admit,but i am just trying to make a point.
I must apologise for the name calling,but i am a passionate man,sometimes my feelings run away with me

[smc]

Originally Posted by fatbloke

No,i think the only problem is that i have a different opinion.

You should go back and read my original response to your post. I was very careful not to accuse you directly of being "the sort of person that would beat and abuse a transexual person." Rather, I pointed out that in making your point you used some of the very same words that might be used by such a person. And I titled my post "words as weapons."

Get the point? It's not just a "different opinion." It is the fundamental starting point. What you called "sucking up" is me getting out from under the very shit you claim I'm shoveling.

[Amy]

Ironically - THIS THREAD sums up my experience of TDOR.


Have a look at Livejournal sometime. It inevitably becomes a massive wankfest of everyone bitching about everyone else and conveniently forgetting the point of it all.

[smc]

Originally Posted by Amy

Ironically - THIS THREAD sums up my experience of TDOR.

Have a look at Livejournal sometime. It inevitably becomes a massive wankfest of everyone bitching about everyone else and conveniently forgetting the point of it all.

I am sure you are right about the irony. Part of me wants to apologize for taking the bait; perhaps what fatbloke wrote should have just been ignored.

But the point of TDOR could not be more clear!

[McLuvinladyboys]

Originally Posted by TheAngryPostman

A certain amount of ignorance on some peoples part; Until now, I didn't know there was a TDOR. Just my 2 cents.

to further that i am reasonably certain that a large amount of the men on this site(myself included) dont actually know any transexuals on a personal level. sad but hear me out

"regular" or mainstream culture doesnt really talk about this. i have never heard of TDOR. to be honest however, i wouldnt worry myself about it. but i wouldnt worry myself if it was waspy guy rememberence day where we think about all the white men(like me just looking for some kind of parrallel that effects me directly i am not a racist or sexist) who were killed by people that didnt like them(there are a lot of them you know, last night i was called the devil by a drunken black man who was ready to start a fight with me for the colour of my skin)
i just dont get into that memorial stuff, i have better things to do than feel bad because people i dont know died or got hurt. i have enough people that i DO know dying, getting raped, getting hurt, sick or whatever other calamaties they are facing.
if i knew transexxual, or was dating one or making money on them, yes i would maybe have done something.
does this answer your question. the reality is most people donthave time for other people problems when they have thier own to worry about.

maybe there is something wrong with me, i mean when the trade centers went down, i ddint cry. i didnt cry when that korean kid shot all those students, i didnt cry for columbine. my stepmom, my sisters and a lot of my family cried a lot for people they never knew. i,and i think a lot of s here, are not like that.
besides i dont want to think what a downer life is, i can live that everyday

[Mel Asher]

Every person, male or female, confused or not, young or old deserves a fair deal when they are abused. Sadly in an imperfect world this is often not the case. Bigotry and hatred are constant bed-fellows, and only the inadequate and cowards see people who are ' different ' as freaks and worthy only of ridicule and contempt. By the same token, not all of us feel the need to evangelise or bear witness to show our support for fellow human beings who are ' different ', and we should not fall into the trap of assuming that if another person is unwilling to adopt the same posture as oneself on an important-to-them issue that they are necessarily against them.

Where is the dignity in spewing verbal abuse at another forum member ? In recent months it seems that all too often individuals with a short fuse indulge themselves far too much in this respect. Dialogue by all means, differences of opinions by all means, but enquire further on another's precise meaning before flying off the handle, please.

Look to the sharing.

We all seek love, try some.

Mel

[Bionca]

TDOR was simply an example of an observation I have. Read Jen's post above to get the point I was making. Guys love the fantasy of gals like us, and love the money they make from bodies like ours, but can't be bothered to speak up when the shit hits the fan. How many Trans*women blog about their lives? How many men are so honest even on the Internet? Why is it that Feminists and gays are our biggest allies when they are usually not the ones dating/loving/fucking us?

[ocinteeni]

I have never heard of the Trans Day of Remembrance. But Bionca, I say that the guys here on the forum are on your side with this, I definitely can't speak for all the users here, but for the many who have meaningful dialogue about real trans issues, this is definitely important to us. I guess what I'm asking is to encourage us instead of lecturing us (I always finish reading your posts feeling like I have a hand in the all the bad things that are directed towards trans people). Because for many users on this forum we truly are trying to improve the world for trans people by speaking and acting tolerance.

And I also would like to ask you for you opinion, if I never had attended any sort of day of remembrance or some sort of peaceful protest about human injustice would you say I am the active cause of the the hate or injustice directed towards some specific group of people? For example if an organized protest took place to bring awareness for spousal abuse and I didn't attend but I also do not abuse my spouse, would you consider me to be a part of why spousal abuse still occurs?

And Bionca I truly am sorry for the terrible situation your friend is in, if the authority won't help her at least she has you as a really strong friend to count on.

[TheSkronkDonkey]

I don't think Bionca is accusing anyone personally. It's more a "thinking outloud" with great honesty and directness about an issue that deeply affects her, which Bionca has consistently done since I began reading her posts. Chill, guys.

On the other hand, I don't want to be "sucking up" to Bionca. We should all feel indicted here. I do. It is very true, as has been said, that many, many causes go unheard and unchampioned in the world -- and we're ALL guilty of that.

I definitely pledge to educate myself in matters of transsexualism and transgenderism this year. It is time to become more intellectually invested in the subject. Y'know, it's fine to download t-porn, jerk off, draw pictures, write silky prose and whatever else, but I haven't made a concerted effort to understand this complex subject or the millions of people cojoined by it, one way or another.

I am notoriously shiftless when it comes to matters like this. It is time to change.

Bionca, I sense this forum will probably lose you before the year is out. I hope that doesn't come to pass. However, if I were you, and felt as passionately as you, I don't know how much longer I could bear to be here. Sometimes the most frustrated members of a community don't realise how important their presence can be -- and I think yours is very important, indeed.

Again, I think we could all effect a change in ourselves this year. But I don't want to present a whiter than white image of myself. I *am* very timid in most things. I do try to be as honest as possible over the Internet, which is a small start, I suppose. In real life, it is more difficult. I stumble. I fall. Repeatedly.

Y'know, I can't begin to imagine even a scintilla of the pain and agony in the "non-straight" world. Let me tell you, just wearing something as innocuous as a T-shirt with Elvis Presley on the front has copped me my fair of shit, with plenty of negative comments (and leering and jeering), too. I'm not saying I haven't had positive comments, but they have been fewer and farther between. And that's just a friggin' T-shirt. But I find it difficult to cope with that kind of "attention", even though I sometimes push against myself and wear it. I guess I am weak. I lack confidence in my own thoughts and feelings, at least "out there". On the net, it's different -- and I'll say what the hell I want when I want. I need to find a way to carry that mentality over into real life.

[Talvenada]

Originally Posted by Bionca

TDOR was simply an example of an observation I have. Read Jen's post above to get the point I was making. Guys love the fantasy of gals like us, and love the money they make from bodies like ours, but can't be bothered to speak up when the shit hits the fan. How many Trans*women blog about their lives? How many men are so honest even on the Internet? Why is it that Feminists and gays are our biggest allies when they are usually not the ones dating/loving/fucking us?

BIONCA,

Why limit the issues that concern you, Jen, Fran among the many girls on this forum to ONE day? Knowing you, violence--an issue you have in common w/ gays and feminists--is not the only issue.

There seems to be a need for someone passionate about those issues, no?


Piece,


TAL

[Bionca]

Originally Posted by ocinteeni

I have never heard of the Trans Day of Remembrance. But Bionca, I say that the guys here on the forum are on your side with this, I definitely can't speak for all the users here, but for the many who have meaningful dialogue about real trans issues, this is definitely important to us. I guess what I'm asking is to encourage us instead of lecturing us (I always finish reading your posts feeling like I have a hand in the all the bad things that are directed towards trans people). Because for many users on this forum we truly are trying to improve the world for trans people by speaking and acting tolerance.

And I also would like to ask you for you opinion, if I never had attended any sort of day of remembrance or some sort of peaceful protest about human injustice would you say I am the active cause of the the hate or injustice directed towards some specific group of people? For example if an organized protest took place to bring awareness for spousal abuse and I didn't attend but I also do not abuse my spouse, would you consider me to be a part of why spousal abuse still occurs?

And Bionca I truly am sorry for the terrible situation your friend is in, if the authority won't help her at least she has you as a really strong friend to count on.

Good points. First, I surely don't intend to imply that any single person here has a direct hand in any bad (or good) thing that has happened. Those events belong to the people who participated in them.

As to your example, given the information provided, no I wouldn't say you would be a part to why spousal abuse happens. But, what if your friend was talking about how they abused their spouce the other night? Or you saw someone abusing their spouce? Doing nothing in that situation is (probably for you) the safe thing to do, and many people would feel odd confronting a friend or stepping into a situation. But, it wouldn't be a helpful thing to do.

It is clear that there is a stigma attached to being with Trans*women - like there is a stigma to being a trans*woman. I know of plenty of t-gals who are active in various ways to change society's perceptions of us. The interesting thing is off the top of my head I can't think of one of them who is dating anyone. I can't think of one "admirer" who runs anything other than an erotic website (if their sites have anything at all to do with Trans* stuff). I know plenty of gals who won't "come out" simply to protect their fellas. Fellas who have no problem "ewwwing" at the big reveal in the Crying Game or making jokes about trannys with their buddies.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of decent guys. Guys who are happy to be with their t-girlfriends. But I run into way more guys who want a "dirty little secret". Nothing will change for you or us unless we make it one side of this equation isn't going to get much good done.

[Bionca]

Monica Roberts (who I think rocks) on her blog (transgriot) addresses this issue for Valentine's Day. One thing that she mentions that has me thinking is how Trans*women contribute to the generally crap dating environment. Lots of us (myself included) have taken some serious blows to our self-esteem, lost friends and family in the process of transition that we are willing to accept as partners guys who are pretty pathetic.

I dated a guy for 6-7 years. He saw me through my transition and was all I could have dreamed of. We had an open relationship with a couple rules because he traveled for work and he figured I should experiment sexually. Anyway, when he got his coworker pregnant and decided he wanted to be a dad we ended it. For the past 6 months I have gotten emails from him wanting me back to be essentially his mistress. His last email bluntly stated "Well you know this what you girls dream about. You get to pretend to have a man and don't need to fool anyone into thinking you are a GG." He followed up with essentially a statement that not only should I want this, I should be grateful since it's the best offer I'll have.

Why bring this up? Well I showed this to some friends I know online and they agreed with him. They would jump at the chance. They know him and think he's a catch and I'm being too demanding and unrealistic. So, in no small part we gals set this up for ourselves.

[TheSkronkDonkey]

That guy is a complete TOOL.

Lots of people set themselves up to be abused, one way or another. Don't think you're alone there -- though everything you've said still applies. The uniqueness of your situation merely adds a billion and one EXTRA ways people like you can be screwed over.

Sad. Very sad.

[smc]

Originally Posted by Bionca

He followed up with essentially a statement that not only should I want this, I should be grateful since it's the best offer I'll have.

For what it's worth, it is difficult to imagine that anyone who would suggest such a thing to someone about whom they purport to care is worth caring about back. This is a man who is counting on diminishing your self-esteem.

[franalexes]

Originally Posted by Bionca

. Well I showed this to some friends I know online and they agreed with him. They would jump at the chance. They know him and think he's a catch and I'm being too demanding and unrealistic. So, in no small part we gals set this up for ourselves.

"These people" aren't your friends.

Even I know of people that think more of you than this.
You know it too. And you know that I know.
You've got the world by the ass and you want to settle for an asshole?
Good luck with that plan.

[CreativeMind]

Well, for what it's worth, here's my two cents -- and, Bionca, I'm sorry if I overstep any lines since we are discussing your ex (so you obviously must have your own emotions regarding him). But sad to say, this guy really IS a Tool, as SkronkDonkey dubbed him above. In fact, I can think of a lot of worse names I'd like to call him right now. If he really cared for you there's just no way that he should be throwing such a proposition in your face -- in fact, I hate to sound like the old-fashioned guy here, but it speaks volumes to me that he's a married man looking to secure a mistress on the side. And frankly this is all the more lame since he's trying to nudge you along by tugging on certain emotional strings that he's privy to (being your ex).

But what really pisses me off is what he wrote. You said: His last email bluntly stated "Well you know this what you girls dream about. You get to pretend to have a man and don't need to fool anyone into thinking you are a GG."

Where do I start? How about his choice of words and using "You girls" which right off the bat pegs you as an oddity and less than a thinking, feeling woman which you are? Or the arrogance of his sentence "This is what you girls dream about." Gee, maybe I'm wrong, but I thought you dreamed the same thing everyone else dreams -- namely meeting someone who will love you for who you are, who will want to be in a warm and caring relationship. You know, where you can go out and BE a couple...as opposed to being a hidden mistress on the side, all so HE can live the double life HE wants to have, so that HE can have all the sexual freedom and exploration that HE is itching for.

And in the most jaw-dropping moment of all, this guy then has the balls to tell you this is the best offer you'll ever get. It's literally him or nothing, so you should be thankful he's even extending the offer to be a side mistress. On top of which, how exactly is being his side mistress the "best offer you'll ever get" considering you've mentioned to us in other posts that you are already dating another guy right now? Or that at your office, you've had other guys checking you out or showing interest in you? Seems to me you're out and about...you have a job you like...you have your own life now...you're dating someone who is into you...and yet your Ex feels that being his hidden side mistress is an offer you couldn't possibly turn down.

Well, the next time you hear from him, please tell the King from all of your friends here that we're so grateful he's willing to step down from this mighty throne to grant you some of his attention, when he gets an itch in his pants. Seriously, what a douche bag!

Then again, I guess what shocks me as much is that some of your friends would not only accept this... they somehow refuse to see how badly your Ex is actually treating you, in such a debasing way... but that they'd actually consider him a "catch" and YOU are the one being too demanding! Seriously, WTF? So I'm sorry to rag on your friends as well, but based on what you wrote it seems they need to seriously work on their own self-esteem issues too.

In short, you're too good to be treated this way, Bionca.
So I hope you told your Ex to go play in traffic.

[franalexes]

Originally Posted by CreativeMind

, I hate to sound like the old-fashioned guy

Oh really? You ever get back into my neighborhood, look me up.:D

[randolph]

Dear Bionca,
There seems to be a long line of guys that would like to love you. You are intelligent and beautiful yet there is this continuing line of sad events in your life. What gives?

[smc]

Bionca, no one ever achieves happiness by putting their dreams on hold or settling for what someone else tells them is the best they can achieve. You come across as a thoughtful, caring, and strong woman who is facing adversity. Please don't let yourself down by settling for anything less than you deserve.

[new believer]

First and foremost Ms. B, glad your feeling better than your bout a few weeks ago in the hospitol. As for TDOR, I only became aware through your blog (and after it passed)and I'm sure many people have no clue to it's existing. Sometimes memorials just have a hard time spreading about. My point is ,I'm not making excuses for those who chose to ignore the plights of TG's but just don't give up on everyone or in the message. Write to a local/national TV news program 2/3 months before the next TDOR event. Explain to them the concept and also offer your assistance to help them cover the story. Then grab a few friends TG's or 'straight' supporters who are not the 'wild' and 'in your face' type, to present a viewpoint to the general public. People respond to other people being hurt but only if they are asked to help,not demanded. I know it sounds tough to swallow by some who believe(and rightly so) that everyone has a right to be treated with respect and not to be robbed raped and beaten,but face it,everyone is tired of being pushed around and everyone is in some form or other. Good luck. One more thing, contact others in other cities to do the same. Perhaps a string of coverage might just be the concept that is needed. Respectfully yours, NB

[Bionca]

Well, yes the ex is a jerk - and for the record I didn't even consider this latest attempt to "woo" me. I brought it up to show how my trans* friends were so resigned to a life of part-time secret relationships that this one was actually a "good catch". Some of my friends were obviously in the "you can do better girl" camp, some were kinda so/so, but there was a real majority who were telling me this really was about as good as it realistically gets.

I think it's this attitude that feeds the idea that guys are doing us a favor by paying us any attention at all. Seriously, why put up with someone who expects a diamond (figuratively) when there is someone just as cute willing to settle for a couple rocks.

[Bionca]

Originally Posted by randolph

Dear Bionca,
There seems to be a long line of guys that would like to love you. You are intelligent and beautiful yet there is this continuing line of sad events in your life. What gives?

Well... there is a line of guys who THINK they MIGHT want to love a gal like me. Once the novelty wears off and the idea that dating a Trans*woman is a little complicated and tends to mess with one's sexual identity, not to mention the social issues with family and friends when/if they find out.

Then there are guys who aren't exactly honest and make promises they don't intend to keep, or are married or in a relationship and forget to mention that. While not exclusive to Trans*gals, it appears to happen more often to my Trans friends than my bio-girl friends.

[randolph]

Originally Posted by Bionca

Well... there is a line of guys who THINK they MIGHT want to love a gal like me. Once the novelty wears off and the idea that dating a Trans*woman is a little complicated and tends to mess with one's sexual identity, not to mention the social issues with family and friends when/if they find out.

Then there are guys who aren't exactly honest and make promises they don't intend to keep, or are married or in a relationship and forget to mention that. While not exclusive to Trans*gals, it appears to happen more often to my Trans friends than my bio-girl friends.

Dear girl, you seem to be caught between a rock and a hard place, I guess that's the fate of transsexuals. Jen took the extreme way out and I sincerely hope it works for her. Otherwise is there some solution to being trapped in the wrong body? Biology has dwelt a cruel blow to you and society makes it worse. Gays and lesbians seem to have a better chance of having a life. We all support and love you on this forum but I know you need more than that. Please love yourself, eat lots of blueberries and wear sexy clothes.