funny joke!

At Indiana University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to drive to Indianapolis and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Bloomington until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Indianapolis to do some research at the library over the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?

[Jenae LaTorque]

My uncle used to go to a deer hunting camp every fall over in East Texas. The guys would usually pair up and go out for the day. One evening Uncle Emory came in alone with a nice buck across his shoulders. While admiring the buck, one of the other hunters asked "Where's Cletus?" which was the fella who had went out with Emory.

"Oh, Cletus done had a heart attack and is laying up there dead as a doornail along the trail about 3 miles back" replied my Uncle.

"What!! You mean you left him there?" asked the man all excited.

"Well, it was kinda of a close call,"" replied Uncle Emory, "but I figured nobody would bother to steal his carcass."

[Jenae LaTorque]

Legal terminology

A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove This to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"

[randolph]

When a man marries, he gets sixteen wives-four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

Alert! Microsoft computer program continues its reign of error.

[johndowe]

Hi there.

Two hydrogen atoms were talking, one sais to the other:

I lost my electron.

Alarmed, the other asks:

Are you sure?

The first atom ansewers:

I'm positive.


JohnDowe.

[johndowe]

Originally Posted by randolph

When a man marries, he gets sixteen wives-four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

Alert! Microsoft computer program continues its reign of error.

That's 17 by my count...


JohnDowe.

[randolph]

A customer visiting a house of ill repute in Bangkok referred to the girl who trussed him up as "the Thai that binds"

"Two young women were strolling along Stuart street late one evening. They noticed two young men following them. One said, 'aren't you afraid those men are out after hours?' The other replied, 'I certainly hope so'"

[Jenae LaTorque]

Originally Posted by johndowe

That's 17 by my count...


JohnDowe.

OMG You know what 17 wives means dontcha?














Seventeen Mother - In - Laws

[ila]

Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque

OMG You know what 17 wives means dontcha?
Seventeen Mother - In - Laws

No, that would mean seventeen mothers-in-law.

[randolph]

Posted: 28-JAN-09
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL?

A: Sir, we were able to save her!

Posted: 7-NOV-08
Q: What is the ideal weight for a MIL?

A: About 2.3lbs, including the urn.

Posted: 14-MAY-08
The clock fell off the wall. If it was a minute sooner, it would have hit my MIL. That clock was always slow!

Posted: 22-JUL-06
My MIL is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder!

Posted: 13-JUL-06
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my MIL." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Posted: 27-JAN-06
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".

Posted: 19-JUL-05
Q: What do you do if you miss your MIL??

A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: 24-MAR-05
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Posted: 11-FEB-05
Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered in concrete up to her shoulders?

A: Too little concrete!

Posted: 21-OCT-04
My FIL was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to my FIL's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back." My FIL replied, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Posted: 12-OCT-04
I wouldn't say that my MIL was ugly, but every time she puts on lipstick, it tries to crawl back into the tube.

Posted: 7-MAR-04
Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?

A: Take your foot off her head.

Posted: 1-NOV-03
Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?

A: Shoot her again.

[Jenae LaTorque]

Yah, okie dokie, but one place I checked said the correct plural was DRAGONS !!

[ila]

Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque

Yah, okie dokie, but one place I checked said the correct plural was DRAGONS !!

In that you would be correct.

[randolph]

Barnes & Noble debuts Nook e-reader device.
Humm, I wonder what it looks like and how it works.

[suebone]

A Brunette,A Redhead and A Dumb Blonde.

An evil genie captured a brunette,a redhead and a dumb blonde and banished them all to the desert for a week. The genie allowed them each to bring one thing.
The brunette brought a canteen so she wouldn't die of thirst.
The redhead brought an umbrella so she could keep the sun off.
The dumb blonde brought a car door, so if it got too hot out, she could just roll down the window.
sue b
(short&sweet)

[simmo]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.


'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time
we started swearing.'


The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then
you swear after me, ok?'


'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.


'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.


She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'


'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'

[johndowe]

Hi there.

Ever forgot a good joke and it kills you that you can't remember, well that's what has been gnawing at me for the last few weeks and...











JohnDowe.

[johndowe]

Hi there.





This one is:



What Seanchai wishes for.


JohnDowe.

[suebone]

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster ?
A rooster says in the morning-cockll-doodlle-doooooo , while a blonde shouts,any-cock'll-dooooooo
sue b
(short&sweet

[suebone]

HI
my new joke;;;
Why was the blonde upset when she got her drivers license ?
Because she got a F in sex.
O by the way I have the F on my license and I'm not upset.
sue b
(short&sweet)

[randolph]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

[simmo]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle. I'm still a virgin'..

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ... God! I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed.'

[Jenae LaTorque]

IRS agent, no doubt!

[johndowe]

Originally Posted by suebone

HI
my new joke;;;
Why was the blonde upset when she got her drivers license ?
Because she got a F in sex.
O by the way I have the F on my license and I'm not upset.
sue b
(short&sweet)

Hi there.

Good for you!


JohnDowe.

[randolph]

Subject: Halloween Costume Party.
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."

[DSL]

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you find out your pregnant, and your mom is too.

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you go into the post office, come back out, get into your convertible and realize, hey I’ve never had a convertible.

You know you’ve had a bad when the cops pull you over for looking like a suspect on America’s most wanted.

You know you’ve had a bad day when you go to pick up your pay check from work and they hand you a bill.

You know you’ve had a bad when you go to church and the priest hands you a list of ins that God will forgive you for and ones he won’t.


You know you’ve had a bad day when you come home to a burning bag of shit on your front porch.

You know you've had a bad day when you find yourself standing
more then 10 minutes in an express checkout line.

You know you've had a bad day when you think your bra is on backwards
and come to find out its not.

[simmo]

The Duck Hunter



A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your
groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to
remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Chicago Symphony.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
piss in your eye."

[dauls]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

[johndowe]

Hi there.

A young man was looking for an appartemrnt in NY, and had limited funds to allocate to the rental of the said appartement, so he looked and looked and when he found one that was good and not too pricey, to get an even lower price he told the landlord that there were mice in the area.

The landlord ansewered; there are no mice in the area the rats ate them all, with a knowing smile.


JohnDowe.

[dauls]

After Guy Fawkes Night

A teacher in class on Nov 6th asks "I hope you all enjoyed the fireworks last night, what part of the evening did you like best Jane?" Jane replied "The Catherine Wheels and the sprinklers were my favourites." Susan butted in and said, "I liked the big bonfire and when the Guy Fawkes doll was thrown onto it." "Great" the teacher replied, "who else had fun last night?" Little Johnny put up his hand and the teacher pointed to Johnny. "Well Miss I liked it best when we stuck fireworks up a dog's arse and lit them." "Rectum, Johnny, rectum." "Rectum Miss? Fuckin' blew him to pieces!"

[dauls]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

In attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

To which Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

[simmo]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[randolph]

Originally Posted by simmo

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Very funny!

[The Conquistador]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
bear hunting.

He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and
shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned
around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was
my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul
you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered
and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the
black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another
tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was
my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to
death or we have "rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the
grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had
his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a
tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar
bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you
don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[DSL]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTits will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

[DSL]

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

[simmo]

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The married man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The married man left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The married man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[suebone]

New joke for you all;

Q. What is the best thing about a blow job ?

A. The five minutes of silence.

sue b
(short&sweet)

[Tbone]

There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 20km a day. One morning, he looked in the mirror to admire his body. He noticed that his body was sun-tanned all over, with the exception of his penis, which he decided to do something about.

That afternoon, he went to the beach, got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand - except for his old chap. Two old ladies came striding along the beach. Upon seeing the man's old fella sticking out of the sand, one of them began to move it around with her cane.

She remarked to the other "There really is no justice in the world".

The other lady said "What do you mean?"

The first old lady said "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I pleaded for it. When I was 50, I even paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was70, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild and my knees hurt too much to squat."

[randolph]

After the Honeymoon...

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''

[DSL]

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN


6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass!! blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I couldn't cook.

[Jenae LaTorque]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty

[The Conquistador]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

[dauls]

A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"OK," the 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year old what cereal he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' ass it won't be Coco Pops."

[suebone]

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours ?
SCROLL DOWN,----->












<----- SCROLL UP.







sue b

(short&sweet)

[randolph]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than a buffalo . It means someone stole the tent.'

[transjen]

A 17 yr old boy walks up to his dad who happens to be a minaster and says,
Dad u just got my drivers lic and i'd like to borrow the family car.
His dad replies
Well son i think you should improve on a few things like your grades and you haven't been reading the bible and your hair is to long
So his son walks away and comes back a few months later and says
I've been studing real hard and have brought up my grades and i've been reading my bible everynight so can i borrow the car?
His dad looks at him and says
Yes your grades have improved and i see you everynight reading the bible but your hair is still too long.
The son just smiles and says
Well dad in the bible Mosses had long hair as did King David and so did Jesus
The dad just looks at him and says
True but you are forgotting one thing, They all walked
Jerseygirl Jen

[randolph]

Subject: 4 marriages



An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go"

[suebone]

Q. How do you make holy water ?
A.Boil the hell out of it .

sue b
(short$sweet)

[randolph]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the cat and farted."

[DSL]

just hangin around