What kind of disorder do I have?

[cannibal]

Hi ladies and gentlemen,

I don't know if this would be the right place for this kind of question, but I felt a nice ambience in this forum.

I'm a guy and I feel masculine. I was always sexually attracted to girls, big time. Even before I knew sex existed, like at age of 4, I was sexually attracted to girls. To be more specific, I am attracted to vulnerability and fragility. All the girls I had a crush on, since early childood, had an extremely fragile (sometimes almost ill) look.

The problem is I always understood the penis as symbol of fragility and vulnerability and therefore I was always uncomfortable with having one. Naturally, with time, it became a symbol of femininity, instead of masculinity. The bigger it is, the more exposed, the more vulnerable it seems to me. It doesn't represent strength at all. I don't know if it sounds like absurd, but I always had this mindset and I find very odd that I never met or even heard of someone who had this type of understanding too. I might be wrong, but I have the impression that girls secretly desire to have a penis instead of a vagina, as it would actually enhance their femininity, but they are afraid to admit it, as society "brainwashes" them into thinking that penis is symbol of strength and manliness. But probably that's just an illusion of a twisted mind.

I then discovered transsexuals and that there were men who are attracted to them. Not only that, they search for the most feminine and passable ones, with the longest penis possible. I briefly thought that I have found people with similar interests. But, to my perplexity, both transsexuals and admirers see the penis as a symbol of strength and dominance, and the men who likes it act submissive in front of it. And these men are also proud of having one and using it, althought they are attracted to it.

So the curse is I'm different, I don't accept having a penis, as I am attracted to it. That seems like a transsexual problem but I am not feminine. So, as a result, I am unable to have sex, because I can't pick up women and I can't pick up men.

I guess what I really want to know here is if there are other cases similar to mine, and what are your thoughts on this. Even if it's just to call me weird, to tell me to search for help, I don't mind, I just need to hear.

Sorry to bother you if this seems like a rant, but I just needed to get that off.

Regards