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  #351  
Old 01-22-2011
franalexes franalexes is offline
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What's more unlucky than dating a girl with paper tits?
Finding she also has a cardboard box.
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  #352  
Old 01-22-2011
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Originally Posted by franalexes View Post
What's more unlucky than dating a girl with paper tits?
Finding she also has a cardboard box.
Have you seen "Lars and the real girl", very funny.
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  #353  
Old 01-22-2011
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Have you seen "Lars and the real girl", very funny.
Don't you think "tragi-comic" is a more apt descriptor? It seems to call for some empathy.
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  #354  
Old 01-22-2011
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Don't you think "tragi-comic" is a more apt descriptor? It seems to call for some empathy.
True enough, the communities support for him was indeed heartwarming and having her elected to the school board was very funny. Also, it turned out not to be a tragedy after all. The love of the community brought him back to reality. A surprisingly good film.
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  #355  
Old 01-22-2011
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Default The virgins

Surprise surprise!
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  #356  
Old 01-23-2011
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Once upon a time, a guy struggling to decide what to wear to a costume party. Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
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  #357  
Old 01-23-2011
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Default On demand, shit happens

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, ?I?m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.?

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

?I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It?s a very special watch.

It?s been in my family for six generations.? He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ?Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...?


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist?s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

? SHIT!? said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ..

Claude was never invited back to entertain.
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  #358  
Old 01-23-2011
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Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
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  #359  
Old 01-23-2011
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My grandmother, who was probably not like the grandmothers of 99 percent of Forum members, told me this joke when I was 13 or 14 years old:

Working late one night, a mortician whose job it was to examine the dead bodies before they are sent off to be buried or cremated was examining Morty Adelman's body. Morty was scheduled to be cremated the next day. To his amazement, the mortician discovered that Morty had the biggest cock he'd ever seen. (My grandmother said pupik, the Yiddish word.)

The mortician thought to himself, "I can't send a specimen like this to be cremated. A cock like that must be saved for posterity." And so he used his tools to remove it carefully, stuffed it into his bag, and brought it home.

Later that night, he said to his wife, "Sweetheart, I have something to show you that you just won't believe." And he opened the bag.

"Oh my god!" screamed his wife. "Morty Adelman is dead!"
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  #360  
Old 01-23-2011
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This one's for Fran:

One day, President Obama, bored with Michelle, was looking for a call girl. Disguising himself, he headed to a local lounge, where he found three: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, "$200."

He asked the brunette the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead. She replied, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way the public is being screwed, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."
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  #361  
Old 01-23-2011
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An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences.
I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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  #362  
Old 01-25-2011
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Default re feline jury

[QUOTE=dauls;172443]Daily Telegraph 17th Jan 2011:

It?s always very comforting to hear that all the ?civilised? and developed nations have their loonies in suchlike institutions.

A few years ago the BBC attempted to take the dwellers of the artificial ?Royston Cave,? Hertfordshire, England to court for not possessing a radio/television licence. The last inhabitants, according to local folklore, were in fact a group of 14th century Knight Templars, who were a religious and military group, often described as warrior monks, originally formed in around 1118 to to protect pilgrims to Jerusalem and the Holy Land.

Lots of red faces at the Beeb no doubt. Amen!
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  #363  
Old 02-02-2011
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RETIRE WHERE? Here are some of your choices:

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park,
but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to
know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida ( The Best ) where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
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  #364  
Old 02-10-2011
ladyboyadmirer ladyboyadmirer is offline
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Default The infamous 'Little Tommy'

Little Tommy


Tommy got kicked out of class today. His teacher asked him,

"Tommy, if I gave you ?20.00 and you gave ?5.00 to Amy,
?5.00 to Katie and ?5.00 to Mary, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left over for a burger and coke,"
was the wrong answer.
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  #365  
Old 02-16-2011
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A man calls his wife from the office and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada for a fishing trip with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a long weekend and this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I?ll swing by the house to pick my things up."

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..?

Being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks. Following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him and asks if he caught many fish.

?Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. ...By the way, you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.?

The wife replies, "No I didn?t, they're in your tackle box".




Never, never, NEVER try to outsmart a woman!!!
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  #366  
Old 02-16-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randolph View Post
A man calls his wife from the office and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada for a fishing trip with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a long weekend and this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I’ll swing by the house to pick my things up."

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..”

Being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks. Following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him and asks if he caught many fish.

“Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. ...By the way, you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

The wife replies, "No I didn’t, they're in your tackle box".




Never, never, NEVER try to outsmart a woman!!!
It's funny because he's queer.
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  #367  
Old 02-16-2011
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It's funny because he's queer.
Either you don't get the joke, or your comment is the most inexplicable -- and thus intriguing -- thing I've read this evening.
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  #368  
Old 02-16-2011
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Default The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50? Fahrenheit (10? C)
? Californians shiver uncontrollably.
? Canadians plant gardens.

35? Fahrenheit (1.6? C)
? Italian Cars won't start
? Canadians drive with the windows down

32? Fahrenheit (0? C)
? American water freezes
? Canadian water gets thicker.

0? Fahrenheit (-17.9? C)
? New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
? Canadians have the last barbecue of the season.

-60? Fahrenheit (-51? C)
? Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
? Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9? Fahrenheit (-78.5? C)
? Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
? Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173? Fahrenheit (-114? C)
? Ethyl alcohol freezes.
? Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67? Fahrenheit (-273.15? C)
? Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
? Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

(And this last one is for shadows)
-500? Fahrenheit (-295? C)
? Hell freezes over.
? The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
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  #369  
Old 02-16-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ila View Post
...
(And this last one is for shadows)
-500? Fahrenheit (-295? C)
? Hell freezes over.
? The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
I scrolled down slowly, thinking that I would find exactly that!

I wonder, if one is a Leafs fan but also Jewish, does the fact that Jews don't believe in hell help or hurt the cause?
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  #370  
Old 02-16-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smc View Post
I scrolled down slowly, thinking that I would find exactly that!

I wonder, if one is a Leafs fan but also Jewish, does the fact that Jews don't believe in hell help or hurt the cause?
Would this be a religious or philosophical question? I've never been good at answering either topic.
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  #371  
Old 02-16-2011
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32? Fahrenheit (0? C)
? American water freezes
? Canadian water gets thicker.

Californians stop moving.
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  #372  
Old 02-16-2011
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Would this be a religious or philosophical question? I've never been good at answering either topic.
Damned if I know.

But get a load of this, viz. your joke. It's the opening line of hockey column by Kevin Paul Dupont in today's Boston Globe:

"On a night cold enough for hell to freeze over, Phil Kessel scored twice."

That's Phil Kessel, ex-Bruin and member of the Toronto Maple Leafs, for those other than ila who don't know.
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  #373  
Old 02-16-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smc View Post
Damned if I know.

But get a load of this, viz. your joke. It's the opening line of hockey column by Kevin Paul Dupont in today's Boston Globe:

"On a night cold enough for hell to freeze over, Phil Kessel scored twice."

That's Phil Kessel, ex-Bruin and member of the Toronto Maple Leafs, for those other than ila who don't know.
There's got to be some kind of joke in there using Phil Kessel's last name, hell, and fire.
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  #374  
Old 02-16-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smc View Post
I scrolled down slowly, thinking that I would find exactly that!

I wonder, if one is a Leafs fan but also Jewish, does the fact that Jews don't believe in hell help or hurt the cause?
I guess the Jewish fan could say (win a few/lose a few).
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  #375  
Old 02-16-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ila View Post
There's got to be some kind of joke in there using Phil Kessel's last name, hell, and fire.
Kessel's last name in its German meaning, my fellow deutschsprechend friend?
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  #376  
Old 02-17-2011
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Kessel's last name in its German meaning, my fellow deutschsprechend friend?
Yes, most definitely.
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  #377  
Old 02-17-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ila View Post
Yes, most definitely.
I'm guessing you don't mean "sinkhole," since that would only describe the way Bruins fans see what our team has been put in by trading him and his 51 points (without the kind of front line you'd expect for someone that productive) away.

Shouldn't this now move to the hockey thread?
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  #378  
Old 02-17-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smc View Post
I'm guessing you don't mean "sinkhole," since that would only describe the way Bruins fans see what our team has been put in by trading him and his 51 points (without the kind of front line you'd expect for someone that productive) away.

Shouldn't this now move to the hockey thread?
Actually sinkhole works better than any joke that I can think of.
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  #379  
Old 02-19-2011
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car andwas pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through herpurse and was getting progressively more agitated.'What does it look like?' she finally asked.The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...
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  #380  
Old 02-27-2011
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Default futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan

Japanese Hotel Service . . .

A oversea's salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan . . .

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.


'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled
out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best
haircut of his life.


Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.


'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a
Service for Men, When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'


The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into
the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it
shut off.


With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender manhood........
which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

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  #381  
Old 02-28-2011
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A professor at The University of Maine was giving a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions.

His students weren?t paying attention and so to make his lecture more memorable he decided to get the students to think a bit.

Looking at an especially attractive young woman he said to her ?Mary, do you know what your asshole is doing when you?re having an orgasm??

Without missing a beat Mary replied ?yes, he?s usually out moose hunting with his buddies.?

It took the remainder of the day for the laughter to subside.
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Old 03-10-2011
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Default Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to
Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend
remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200
mph when it hit me square in the nuts."

"What does that have to do with your teeth?" asked the first.

"Well" he explained, "That was the first time in two years my
teeth didn't hurt."
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  #383  
Old 06-20-2011
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Default Japanese comedians

This had me in stitches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ4zT...eature=related

Best wishes to all
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  #384  
Old 08-13-2011
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Default

A man dies and ascends to heaven where's he met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter says "you've lived your life as an example for all Christians. You shared the gospel at every opportunity, you never cheated on your wife, you never drank one drop of alcohol, and you only had sex for the purpose of procreation."

The man beamed.

"However," St. Peter continued, "there's one little problem."

"Oh?" the man replied.

"You were non-denominational," St. Peter said. The man looked confused. "We try to keep the denominations separated. Keeps the fights and name calling to to a minimum," the saint added with a sly wink. "The problem is, we don't know where to put you."

The man paused for a moment. Then he asked "can I choose?"

St. Peter wrinkled his brow in thought. Finally he said, "sure. No harm in that, I suppose."

St. Peter opened the gates and in they walked. They stood in a long hallway, with rows of doors as far as the eye could see.

"This is heaven?" the man thought.

St. Peter opened the first door. Inside, people were rolling on the floor, making guttural sounds and thrashing about.

"Evangelicals" St. Peter said.

The man shook his head. "Thanks, but not my style."

They moved to the next door. When St. Peter opened it, every person in the room was crowded together under the door frame.

The man looked to St. Peter. "Jehovah's Witnesses?" he asked.

"Let's move on" St. Peter said with a smirk.

St. Peter reached for the next door knob, then suddenly jerked his hand back. He shot a quick glance to the man, then placed his finger over his lips.

"Shhh," he said, motioning the man to follow.

The man grabbed the sleeve of St. Peter's robes. "Wait a minute," he said with a head nod back towards the door.

St. Peter leaned in close and whispered.

"Southern Baptists. They think they're the only ones here."

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  #385  
Old 08-21-2011
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Anyone read xkcd?
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  #386  
Old 11-28-2011
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The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection, you should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some slimming pills
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  #387  
Old 12-02-2011
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Default Politically correct

Here is a corny joke to upset either everyone or nobody.
Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so I thought I would try this very old, but definitely Po.Co. one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a German, a North American, a South American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, an Ethiopian , a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Frenchman, a Dutchman, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Jew, a white man, a black man and an Asian went to a night club.....
When the bouncer said...
V
v

"Sorry, I can?t let you in without a Thai."
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  #388  
Old 11-13-2012
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Default Another bad one

A tracker salesman is having a beer with a farmer on the porch when a three legged pig cuddels up next to the farmer.

"What's up with that pig?" The salesman asked. "And the missing leg?"

"This pig is a hero." The farmer says proudly. "Just last month a beam fell on me in the barn and he pulled me out."

"Did he losse his leg doing that?"

"Oh no." The farmer replied. "Last week while plowing a field I passed out from the heat and the pig brought me some water."

"But what about the missing leg?" The salesman demanded.

"Hey Mister you don't eat a hero all at once!" The farmer said.
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  #389  
Old 11-14-2012
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Default

The doctor told the patient that he had a very bad dose of clap.

"But", said the man "I only masturbate."

"Yes", said the doctor "It is hand clap!"
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