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  #151  
Old 09-16-2009
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Default snow plows!

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Massachusetts is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Massachusetts!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??

Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 38" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Massachusetts!!!!
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  #152  
Old 09-16-2009
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Two vampires are in a bar when the waiter asks them what they'd like to drink. The first vampire says, "I'll have some blood mixed with vodka." The second vampire says, "I'll just have some hot water please." Puzzled, his friend says, "Dude, we're vampires. We don't drink water." The second vampire pulls out a bloody tampon, dabs it in the water and replies with a grin, "I know. I'm making tea."
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  #153  
Old 09-16-2009
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Oh gross! Reminds me of biker "red wings"

Got a laugh out of DSL's "snow story". It could of been set in Wyoming except that here the wind blows, and fills your driveway in with a snowdrift 12 feet high.
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  #154  
Old 09-16-2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque View Post
Oh gross! Reminds me of biker "red wings"
What is that? I take it that it is not some kind of spicy chicken recipie...
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  #155  
Old 09-16-2009
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Default The Irish have the best jokes!

Walking into the pub, Mike O'Malley said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"
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  #156  
Old 09-16-2009
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Default Kellogg's "Plain Facts"

While not a "joke" per se, I thought many here would get a laugh or two out of this text entitled "Plain Facts for Old and Young" by John Harvey Kellogg, MD. Yes, that is the "Kellogg" of "Kellogg's Cereal." It was written in 1881 and while we may find it amusing today--people back then, sadly, took its advice quite seriously.

I was browsing through it and found sections on "Electricity" and "Sounding." So Kellogg was into "electrical play"! Who knew! I'll bet you won't think about "Corn Flakes" the same way ever again!

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/19924...-h/19924-h.htm
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  #157  
Old 09-17-2009
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Hi there.

What are the 3 most popular GAY ISLAMIC organisations?


Alkeida, Hesbola & the Talliban. (Not sure about the spelling)


I wrote it as a JOKE, but i have never seen any of the leaders with a woman, they are alone in the desert for months and months without women, the ISLAMIC RELIGION says that anything not hetero sexual is evil and sick, so they hate themselves, and transpose that hate to all others and voila terrorists that want to save the world from sence, intelligence and tolerance, also when suicide bombers attack they usually kill a few of the ones they want to kill, but they also kill a lot of their own people, and i noticed that there are almost always a few women, but never children, so i believe that they also hate women, and do their best to also kill women, but no kids when they blow themselves up.

I cannot say for sure that they are gay, but it does explain pretty much everything, additionally, since the begining of terrorism, it (terrorism) has never accomplish any of their goals ever, the only thing that it does is kill people, a few of their enemies and a lot of their own people, NOTHING ELSE.

REMEMBER 9/11?


JohnDowe.

Last edited by johndowe; 09-17-2009 at 06:19 PM.
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  #158  
Old 09-17-2009
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I remember reading a study somewhere that said that men who masturbate more often have healthier sperm because the sperm spends alot less time in the body and doesn't degrade as much compared to people who store up their loads.
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  #159  
Old 09-17-2009
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Default New Stud Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . . look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"
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  #160  
Old 09-18-2009
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Hi there.

Why did the banker always brought his dates into the vault?


He wanted to practice safe sex.

JohnDowe.
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  #161  
Old 09-18-2009
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My old Uncle Emory, who lives down in East Texas, has a nice little grapefruit farm near a collage. One day he heard a lot of giggling coming from the pond he has over by one of his orchards. He grabbed a bucket and headed over there. When he got over near there, he discovered a group of young ladies skinny-dipping in his pond. Upon seeing him, they all swam to the far end and remained mostly submerged. My uncle moseyed over to the pond and sat his bucket down and just stood there with a look of surprise.

One called out to him, "We are not coming out till you leave!"

He replied, "Oh. I am just an old fart, and not interested in that sort of thing!"

He continued, "........I am just here to feed the alligators."

That's my Uncle Em for ya.
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Last edited by Jenae LaTorque; 09-18-2009 at 01:37 PM. Reason: punctuation
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  #162  
Old 09-18-2009
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Default Purdue Jokes

If you are not a "Boilermaker," simply change the name to your "favorite" alma mater! Enjoy!

Q: Do you know why the Purdue University football team should change its name to the "Possums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do you call a Purdue player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: How many Purdue students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Two Purdue University fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking his penis like dogs do.
The first Purdue fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The second Purdue fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."
The first Purdue fan asks, "Why not?"
The second Purdue fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Purdue Boilermakers?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Purdue joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Purdue grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Purdue grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Purdue grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Purdue University library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q. What did the Purdue graduate say his first day on the job?
A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Last edited by aw9725; 09-18-2009 at 06:54 PM.
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  #163  
Old 09-18-2009
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Hi there.

Click image to open a larger version of DressUp01.jpeg. Views: 10.

A little something from Bill Ward.

JohnDowe.
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  #164  
Old 09-18-2009
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Default Uncle Emory again

Uncle Emory had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

When Uncle Emory got there he went up to the Sign in desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. Mr Emory Katz. And it says you want to want to see the doctor about impotence, right?" The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the my very embarrassed uncle.

Uncle Emory recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... But... I don't want the same doctor that botched yours!"
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Last edited by Jenae LaTorque; 09-18-2009 at 10:30 PM.
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  #165  
Old 09-19-2009
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Default Uncle Emory in the Army

Years ago my Uncle Emory was in the Army. The squad was on their first training exercises and were all sleeping out in pup tents with two men in each tent.
After the first night out, the squad was called into formation for muster the next morning. One soldier looked like hell; his eyes were bloodshot and he could hardly keep them open. It turned out that his tent mate snored so loudly that the man couldn't get any sleep.

After several remedies had been tried and all failed, the sergant decided that all the members of the squad would take turns sharing a tent with Bob, the awful snorer. And every day Bob's tent mate would look like hell from not getting any sleep.

The day after Uncle Emory's turn, he appeared at the morning muster looking bright eyed and rarin' to go, while it was Bob who looked like hell.

The segent asked him how this came to be. Uncle Emory explained that when they hit the sack the night before, he tucked Bob into his bedroll, patted his butt, and kissed him goodnight. Bob never closed his eyes for a second the whole night.

And of course Uncle Emory was promoted to corporal and squad leader right away.
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  #166  
Old 09-19-2009
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Default Uncle Emory and the lawyer

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by my Uncle Emory. Uncle Emory's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. Uncle Emory claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the Uncle Emory showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and although Uncle Emory was hesitant the whole way, finally Uncle Emory agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After Uncle Emory had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling Uncle Emory, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

Uncle Emory replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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Last edited by Jenae LaTorque; 09-19-2009 at 12:53 AM.
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  #167  
Old 09-20-2009
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Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
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  #168  
Old 09-21-2009
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Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie says:
'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'
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  #169  
Old 09-21-2009
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Well, heard a version of the newfie joke before but had never heard the term "newfie." So off to Google I goes and now I knows what de newfie iz. And who sez jokes izn't eddycational.
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  #170  
Old 09-22-2009
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Hi there.

A Newfie, is a Newfoundleander, and some of them speak with a thick accent which is sometimes hard to understand, and people started to make fun of their accents, and then they went to say they were "less evolved" and hence the Newfie jokes, it is similar to blonde jokes.

JohnDowe.
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  #171  
Old 09-22-2009
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Default Uncle Emory goes golfing

My Uncle Emory went golfing one day with his regular foursome except Dr. Mufflemire didn't show up. So it was just Uncle Em, Rabbi Hinkleman, and Bubba Brown, a local oilman. Just before the rabbi is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game".
The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.
She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget."
The guys think, "what a deal!'
The rabbi walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
Bubba walks up and says, "Don't listen to the rabbi: aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
Uncle Emory looks at both of them in disgust, walks over and picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."
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  #172  
Old 09-22-2009
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Default Uncle Emory goes fishing

Now you remember my Uncle Emory Katz who has the grapefruit farm with the alligator pond on it? Well, every once in a while Emory gets an urge to go catfishing down in the Delta Country of Lousianna.
One Friday he loaded up his jon boat and hitched the trailer to his 1963 Studebaker truck and off he went to spend the weekend fishing.
After a successful week, he headed back only to be pulled over by a small town cop at the end of the bridge by Waterston. Now this big old boy informed my Uncle that he had clocked him doing 63 in a 55 mph zone. When Uncle Em asked him if he could pay the fine by check, the cop looked over the beat up old truck and boat and asked Emory if he had a job and if his check was any good.

Uncle Emory answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Uncle Em's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied my uncle.
"What did you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!", repeated Uncle Em.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Uncle Emory explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
My Uncle Emory Katz nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
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  #173  
Old 09-22-2009
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Default When Uncle Em was a young man.......

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago as a young man, my Uncle Emory was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise Uncle Emory got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could Emory leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried.
'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for Uncle Emory, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
My Uncle Emory looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!'
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  #174  
Old 09-22-2009
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Hi there.

Very good one.


Your uncle Em is quite the character, isn't he.


JohnDowe.
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  #175  
Old 09-23-2009
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Default Horny old dawg

Quote:
Originally Posted by johndowe View Post
Hi there.

Very good one.
Your uncle Em is quite the character, isn't he.
JohnDowe.
Yup! He sure is!

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Galveston, Texas. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried.

"No, I live on my Grapefruit Farm up in East Texas. I am down here visiting my daughter," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, Uncle Em dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life. After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

Uncle Emory replied...... "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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  #176  
Old 09-23-2009
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A Jewish kid goes up to his dad and asks him,"Dad! Can I have 20 bucks?" The dad exclaims "20 bucks! I don't have 15 bucks! Where am I gonna 10 bucks??"
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  #177  
Old 09-23-2009
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A polar bear walks into a bar and sits down. He says to the bartender "I'll have a scotch and..........soda."

The bartender says, "Why the long pause?"

The polar bear answers, "I don't know. I was born with them."
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  #178  
Old 09-24-2009
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Coyote Population

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the
tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.


What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta
Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta
Government and the Alberta Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you
understand our problem.

Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep.....they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!
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  #179  
Old 09-25-2009
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Hi there.

About the castration of the wolfs, in the wolf pack only the alpha male mates, not the others, nature's way of enduring that only the strongest survive, so if they castrated all the wolves in the pack exept the alpha male, the problem would NOT be solved, great idea, don't you think?

JohnDowe.
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  #180  
Old 09-25-2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johndowe View Post
Hi there.

About the castration of the wolfs, in the wolf pack only the alpha male mates, not the others, nature's way of enduring that only the strongest survive, so if they castrated all the wolves in the pack exept the alpha male, the problem would NOT be solved, great idea, don't you think?

JohnDowe.
Interesting point, your probably right. If the alpha male was castrated then a weaker male would take over. If this was done over time the pack may become extinct.
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  #181  
Old 09-25-2009
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Subject: apple



> Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
> store and play music.
>
>
>
> The iTiT will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker
> size. This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because
> women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and
> not listening to them.

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  #182  
Old 09-25-2009
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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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  #183  
Old 09-26-2009
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Default Well hung

There was a young man in the Army who was so well- endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Army doctors and one Armey nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it."
They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems. The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
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  #184  
Old 09-26-2009
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Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
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  #185  
Old 09-27-2009
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Default Uncle Emory as a boy

Many years ago when my Uncle Emory was a boy, he worked on a timber crew. After work, they often took a skinny dip in the lake to cool off. One day after their swim, while they were standing around waiting to dry off before putting on their clothes, they were surprised. A group of ladies from the Baptist Church Ladies Auxiliary had come upon them and all the guys quickly covered their privates as they run into the trees for cover. All...... except Emory who covered his face. Once they were in the woods, they all thought it was funny that he did so, and asked him why.

"Well," he said, "If I was to encounter one of these ladies in town, she wouldn't recognize me with my pants on while she is sure to recognize any of you."

But then as it turned out, one of the more adventurous ladies did recognize him later. But that is another story.....
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  #186  
Old 09-27-2009
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Default Little Maggie Revisited

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when little Maggie stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
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  #187  
Old 10-01-2009
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Hi there.

Not too long ago i was walkng on a commercial street nearby to where i live and saw all those cop cars and vans in front of this restaurant, there had to be at least 20, i was sure there was a massacre and maby even some dead cops, but when i got there i saw why the cops were there; free donuts.

Based on true events.


JohnDowe.
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  #188  
Old 10-05-2009
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Hi there.

Click image to open a larger version of fsc21_darth_vader.jpg. Views: 8.

Click image to open a larger version of Darth-vader1.jpg. Views: 8.

Click image to open a larger version of celebrity-pictures-stewie-griffin-cruise-vader.jpg. Views: 6.

Click image to open a larger version of darth-vader-annie.jpg. Views: 3.


Yes i know, the third one is Stewie from family guy.

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  #189  
Old 10-06-2009
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Default old lady and the dildo

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The sales clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou t twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'

She then asks: ' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ssunoooffabbitch offffff??
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  #190  
Old 10-17-2009
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Default

Itchy bits


A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the Groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.

A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

'How's that?'

'Well, it's a lot better actually, but... it's still there.'

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

'How's that?' he asks again more confident.

'That's wonderful! What did you do?'

'I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.'
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  #191  
Old 10-17-2009
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You need to show where your affections lie and go dressed as a streetwalker. Dare ya!
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  #192  
Old 10-17-2009
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Default Here's Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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  #193  
Old 10-17-2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenae LaTorque View Post
You need to show where your affections lie and go dressed as a streetwalker. Dare ya!
How about this one?
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  #194  
Old 10-18-2009
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Wink Blonde joke

The Blonde on the shore

One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake she spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.
She cupped her hands together and shouted "how do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "You are on the other side!"
sue b
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  #195  
Old 10-18-2009
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Default

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to getmarried".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
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  #196  
Old 10-18-2009
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Q: Why couldn't the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl?
A: There was a restraining order.
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  #197  
Old 10-18-2009
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Wink Blonde Hurts

A brunette goes to the doctor,and says,"doctor I'm hurting all over my body."
"That's odd ",replied the doctor, " show me what you mean."
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain.
She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says "you're not a natural brunette are you?
"no I'm ablonde" she replies.
I thought so ...your finger is broken,replies the doctor.
sue b
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  #198  
Old 10-18-2009
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Default Oops

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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  #199  
Old 10-18-2009
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Funny joke there, Randolph! Been a few real situations around here like that, and you know how the story gets around in small towns. lol
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  #200  
Old 10-19-2009
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Default Lawyers

A successful litigation lawyer parked his brand-new Llamborghini in front of his office to show his colleagues. As he was getting out, a passing truck tore off the door! He grabbed his cellphone, dialed 911, and a cop was there in 3 minutes. When the cop arrived to ask questions, he couldn't get a word in as the lawyer was yelling wildly.

"I just picked up this Llamborghini an hour ago! No matter how good a repair job, the car will never be the same!"

When the legal beagle finally ran out of steam, the cop shook his head. "Man, you lawyers are materialistic bozos!", he said, "you're so focused on your car you didn't notice anything else?"

The lawyer jumped all around the car, frantically checking it."What?! There's even more damage to the car?! Where?! Where?!", he yelled.

The officer replied, "Notice anything missing?"

"What?! What?! Robbery too?!"

'Your left arm!"

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex?!"
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